请求改作文

sherlock_GREUID: 3564519

这里是托福TPO15的独立写作，题目：do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to become financially responsible adults,children should learn to manage their own money at a young age.

正文：
Concentrating on the issue “whether children should learn to manage their own money at a young age”, the famous website “xinlang” have already operated an on-line survey. About 59.6% interviewees believe that is necessary for children to learn how to spend their money efficiently so that they can become more independent, and the rest of the respondent point that is too early for them to learn this ability. Referring to the reason why young children should learn how to manage their own money, I think mainly it’s due to the following motivations.
Firstly, the children will be more independent after they grow up and live outside their parents because they have the ability about how to manage their money so that they will have to plan to decide which things should buy and which ones are not necessary to buy. As I know, Jack, my friend’s son, had been taught to manage when he was 7 years old, during the time he studies in the college which is in another city and far from his home, he always can save a lot of money after buying something he must use in the daily and spend the rest money traveling or do something he is interested in.
Secondly, as the money that the parents give to their children is limited, children will realize that is vital for them to work hard to earn money if they want to obtain something more when they grow up as a finically responsible adult. If the children want a toy or video game which costs him a lot and he has not enough money to buy, he will be taught that he should learn some skills to have a job and earn money so that he can buy the rich thing that he like. In addition, children will start to study as they know that the money they got is limited during they manage, if they want to buy more things to lead a better life, they should learn to study knowledge and find a job and live happily.
In the nutshell, the ability to manage the money for children means a lot, it can not only help the children to live independently, but also encourage them to study and work for their own life. By training them to learn this skill, they will become a finically responsible adult and have successful life in the future.

欢迎随便吐嘈，最重要是能提高，谢谢~~

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https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1699671-1-1.html