jason-mraz习作练习

jason-mrazUID: 3177106

Issue 39：College students should be encouraged to pursue subjects that interest them rather than the courses that seem most likely to lead to jobs.


Which course will you choose if you were still in the university for the 4-year study, the one that ensures you to get a good job or the one that really attracts you though it may seems to be useless when you are hunting(hunting) a job.

We have to admit that for many students the primary aims  to enter the university is to find a job. It is the trueure story since one of the responsibility responsibilities for university is to provide enough students who are competentthat capable to of doing the thing that just what the society needs, and thea number of  students also don't holds a very specific aim of what he they really like to do but just has have the desire to get a good job when graduatinge. Thus, in thise sense of that it is reasonable for the universities to encourage their students to have the major in the field like Civil civil engineer and mechanical engineer or some other relavant relevant application subjects, since lots of the job position is relevant to the areas mentioned above.

However, if all the students goes to the engineering department what will happen? The answer is denifite and displeasing. Iit will lead to the fundamental subject, such as the Pphysicals, mathematicals be disregareded or even to be ignored. Indeed, this these fundamental science subjects may help no more than the application technology for you to get a job in the society, but it plays an important role in the development of society. The Physicals and mathematical like the cornerstone and also the tools of the comtemporary contemporary science, many great breakthroughs are startedstart with these fundamental ones, varying forrom the conversion of energy and mass to the gravity theory, which bring us the advancement in the areas like the electricity generated by the nuclear power and so on. If no people study the these subjects, there will be no more stunning achievements and improvements in the future.

On the contrary, the approach to of enrouge encouraging the students to choose the major by depending on their own interests may have lead to a different situation. First, the interest endangers the perseverant effort and whole-hearted dedication, which is the requirement for a success in the scientific areas. For a small fraction of students who may have a talent and also the interests in certain subjects, the school should definitely encourages he or she to choose the major from the heart. It is because not only the he or she may have a large possibility to obtain success in the very subject, but also it will undoubtedly (undoubtedly) earn him or her a position in the university if he or she really achieves something in the future, which is not the confrontation but the unificaton conformation to the aims of helping students to get a job.

Thus, In my view, i i think argue all the choices should be made by the students themselves. Since it is themselves who know what they really wants and it is themselves who should be responsible for the future life.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

谢谢参加5月批改活动
楼主请看一下我的1+3模型再写吧 感觉都找不到你的观点
还有你抄题不抄写作指引 估计忽略了吧？

jason-mrazUID: 3177106

谢谢老师。 确实写得很糙。 发上去的时候就后悔了~~

iwishicanUID: 3155544

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-7 18:41
谢不过谢参加5月批改活动
楼主请看一下我的1+3模型再写吧 感觉都找不到你的观点
还有你抄题不抄写作指引 ...

哈哈哈，感觉那个1+3太好用了，哪里都可以用，万能模板，就是我词汇量还的加强。这个题我只可以分出两个类型呀，就是专业型人才，喜欢搞学术的，这种人才可以按自己的喜好来学专业；而谋生类的人才，则可以按工作的需求来学专业。不知道还怎么弄第三类人。我的结构估计就是第一段，2,3，然后就是结尾了。

jason-mrazUID: 3177106

iwishican 发表于 2015-5-8 17:32
哈哈哈，感觉那个1+3太好用了，哪里都可以用，万能模板，就是我词汇量还的加强。这个题我只可以分出两个类 ...

谢谢!!有道理简单明晰，我就是思路比较混乱，想说这个又想说那个

jason-mrazUID: 3177106

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-7 18:41
谢不过谢参加5月批改活动
楼主请看一下我的1+3模型再写吧 感觉都找不到你的观点
还有你抄题不抄写作指引 ...

老师你好，我拜读了你的1+3模型和分类讨论后感觉很受启发。在此基础上我又进行了一篇写作的练习。如果您有时间的话，斗胆再请你看看，并特别希望得到你的点评。

之前通读了全文觉得语言表达的挺不错，感觉你的基础挺好，可否介绍下自己的背景。

73：Colleges and universities should require all faculty to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach.  

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy above and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

The policy to encourage the faculty step out of the office and spend more time in contacting with the professions world has different effects on different kinds of faculty, which can be separately expanded on  young faculty and experienced professors.

can be separately expanded on  young faculty and experienced professors. 不太明白这半句的意思  
感觉你需要尝试扩展一下开头段 就是要把主旨句写得更清晰 而且中间段的主题句在主旨句中要找到对应的点  


It is suitable for the young faculty who just graduate from the university to do so.  First, many of them  don't have enough experience in the application of the knowledge and thus the communication with the people from the industry deepen their understanding of the knowledge that learned from the book. We have to admit that, there is the gap between the theoretical knowledge and practical application. Just obtaining the PHD degree, the young faculty usually don't have the experience in practically utilizing of this theory and hence the policy actually provides the opportunity for them to inquire how the theory are utilized in industry. In addition, the contact with corporation in the fields can benefit for their funding raising. Nowadays, many of the research are conducted through the cooperation between the university and company. By maintaining a good relationship with industry， the young faculty would have an easy approach for finding the support of their research.

我觉得将faculty分作年轻的和资深的挺赞
感觉这些句子都写得挺好
the contact with corporation - contact 这个词可能不太合适  
提到理论与实务的结合 提到筹款 这些都是不错的干货  
have an easy approach-表达有问题  



However, if this policy is also a compulsory requirement for the senior professors, it may pose more negative rather than positive influence. For the experienced faculty, they usually have complete enough experiments and projects by cooperating with the company, which ensures them both the enough understanding of theoretical and practical knowledge and also the easiness in finding research supports. Thus, they can gain no large, if any, benefits from the policy,


Instead, as a senior professor, the most important job for them is to cultivate graduates and instill their understanding of the knowledge in his field to students by giving the lecture. Only in that way could their value be maximized for the university and students. Thus, if universities require these senior professors to spend time outside the university, it may curtail their time in most valuable things and no benefits can be obtained from it.

感觉这两段可以合并  
pose- influence 这个搭配有问题  
have complete enough experiments- 表达  
graduates -毕业生  




Therefore, I argue, the policy should be improved by giving the requirements only to the fresh young faculty. If you just graduated no more than, say,5 years, maybe you should spend time in contacting with the industry and the outside company. It not only can help you have a more practical comprehension of this field and also benefits you in the  in gaining funding. On the other hand， for the tenured professor, the universities should encourage them to stay in campus rather than go out, since all their merits can only be presented by foresting the next generation.

用you好像不太好

their merits can only be presented表达

----------------------------------------------------------修改------------------------------------------
The policy to encourage the faculty step out of the office and spend more time in contacting with the professions world has different effects on different kinds of faculty：While young faculty can benefit from it, it may adversely effect the senior professors' work.

can be separately expanded on  young faculty and experienced professors. 不太明白这半句的意思  
感觉你需要尝试扩展一下开头段 就是要把主旨句写得更清晰 而且中间段的主题句在主旨句中要找到对应的点[进行了相应修改]


It is suitable for the young faculty who just graduate from the university to do so.  First, many of them don't have enough experience in the application of the knowledge and thus the communication with the people from the industry deepen their understanding of the knowledge learned from the book. We have to admit that, there is the gap between the theoretical knowledge and practical application. Just obtaining the PHD degree, the young faculty usually don't have the experience in practically utilizing of this theory and hence the policy actually provides the opportunity for them to inquire how the theory are utilized in industry. In addition, communicating with these corporation can benefit for their funding raising. Nowadays, many of the research are conducted through the cooperation between the university and company. By maintaining a good relationship with industry，the young faculty would have an easy way to find the support for their future research.

我觉得将faculty分作年轻的和资深的挺赞
感觉这些句子都写得挺好 [谢谢老师的夸奖]
the contact with corporation - contact 这个词可能不太合适  [换了表达]
提到理论与实务的结合 提到筹款 这些都是不错的干货  
have an easy approach-表达有问题  [换成了最简单way]


However, if this policy is also a compulsory requirement for the senior professors, it may generate more negative rather than positive influence. For the experienced faculty, they usually have completed enough projects by cooperating with the company, which ensures them both the enough understanding of theoretical and practical knowledge and also the easiness in finding research supports. Thus, they can gain no large, if any, benefits from the policy.Instead, as a senior professor, the most important job for them is to cultivate postgraduates and instill their understanding of the knowledge in his field to students by giving the lecture. Only in that way could their value be maximized for the university and students. Thus, if universities require these senior professors to spend time outside the university, it may curtail their time in most valuable things and no benefits can be obtained from it.

感觉这两段可以合并  
pose- influence 这个搭配有问题  [换成 generate]
have complete enough experiments- 表达  [删掉了]
graduates -毕业生  [换成postgraduates 研究生]

Therefore, I argue, the policy should be improved by giving the requirements only to the fresh young faculty. If you just graduated no more than, say,5 years, maybe you should spend time in contacting with the industry and the outside company. It not only can help them grasp a more practical comprehension of the fields and also bring benefit in gaining funding. On the other hand， for the tenured professors, the universities should encourage them to stay in campus rather than go out, which may spare them more time in foresting the next generation.

用you好像不太好 [对句子进行了修改]
their merits can only be presented表达 [对句子进行了修改]

jason-mrazUID: 3177106

Issue 12: Governments should offer a free university education to any student who has been admitted to a university but who cannot afford the tuition.

Introduction: Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy above and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

In my view, the government should always support the students who otherwise can't afford the tuition of the university. Although it may add some burden on the government, in long term the economic development will benefit from it and moreover it also serves as a cornerstone in maintaining the mobility of the society.

你在主旨句里提到两个理由都是很好的 尤其是social mobility 是很不错的点 经济发展的点有点不够具体  
但是主旨句里没有看到你中间第一段的点
因此主旨句还是没有和中间三段完全的呼应

It is true that the expense on the tuition is sometimes a huge financial burden for some country. Although certain developed countries have provided the tuition waiver for all of students who are enrolled by the university, such as Germany and some North European countries. However, for the developing country, especially the countries in Africa, the expense counts a lot. Since a lot of basic living problems are left to be addressed, such as the poverty, the health care, the economic development, it seems unreasonable for these countries to spend a lot money in paying the tuition for the students.


另外 你的中间第一段和后面的however 直接导致了观点的自相矛盾 你还是没有走出正反论证的阴影  
你的一个however就将前面一段的内容完全废掉了
关于这一点请往我的博客292楼

还有Although certain developed countries have provided the tuition waiver for all of students who are enrolled by the university, such as Germany and some North European countries. 你这句话竟然只有从句没有主句
请往不明觉弱思过崖反省 https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1826774-1-1.html  


However, in long run, I argue, the expense it is necessary and can bring more benefits rather than the adverse effect, even if it may impede the short term development.

I argue, 这后面必须跟从句 而且不会有逗号


First, the education can forest the high quality human source which is essential for a country's advancement. Education is an important approach for the government to cultivate their citizens and the quality of their citizens is the hope of a nation nature. Nowadays, some developing countries still focus on the low level industry, which need only the number rather than the quality of the people. However, when it comes to the next level of development, the country must need the up-level the industrial system, which requires the human resource with higher education and quality. At that time, if there is a lack of the enough high quality citizens, the economic growth will consequently be impeded.

forest？
low level industry？
need the up-level the industrial system？

More importantly, the policy it is a guarantee for the stability of a sociey. We have to admit that in some country, the stratification is severe. The poor families don't have enough money to cultivate their children for a higher education. However, for this ill-bred youngster, the education is the best, if not only, way for them to strive for a better life and change the present situation. If the access to higher education has been prevented by the very family condition, we can easily conclude the classification of society will definitely be enhanced, which will arouse the discontent or even the resentments of the poor people and hence lead to the riots or even the revolution.

你开头段讲的是mobility 怎么到了中间变成了stability
classification of society will definitely be enhanced 这个搭配有问题

你写的很多英语句子都是自己瞎编的  
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1813787-1-2.html


Thus, I argue, though there are many other affairs for the government to tackle, it is always necessary to support the students by paying the tuition for them. It not only can bring the benefits for the future economic development, but also can the stability of a society, which is the basic issue a government should consider.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

还没有做链接 你还继续练不？

jason-mrazUID: 3177106

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-16 00:11
还没有做链接 你还继续练不？

老师，您好！ 最近老板找得比较勤，所以没有继续更新，请个小假。 今天会更新一次..

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

jason-mraz 发表于 2015-5-16 10:10
老师，您好！ 最近老板找得比较勤，所以没有继续更新，请个小假。 今天会更新一次..

好的 你有空可以先去句子加油站 修改病句

jason-mrazUID: 3177106

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-16 10:14
好的 你有空可以先去句子加油站 修改病句

去啦去啦~~~昨天改啦~~~

jason-mrazUID: 3177106

jason-mraz 发表于 2015-5-13 15:40
Issue 12: Governments should offer a free university education to any student who has been admitted  ...

王老师您好，看了您的博客之后，觉得您说的很有道理，不是不可以分正反，而是要加条件，加限定。 按照这个思路我对文章进行了修改，您看看这样改是否有所改善

In my view, the government should always support the students who otherwise can't afford the tuition of the university. Although it may add some burden on the government, in long term the economic development will benefit from it and it also serves as a cornerstone in maintaining the mobility of the society.

你的主旨句先让步 再提出两个理由支持 这样挺好 让步写一段 两个理由各写一段  


It is true that the tuition expense is a huge burden for some governments, which may hinder them from addressing the urgent problems. Indeed, some certain developed countries do provide the tuition waiver for all students who are enrolled by the university, such as Germany and some North European countries. Though, it is hard for the developing countries to appropriate such a huge expense on education, since a lot of basic living problems are left to be addressed, such as the poverty, the health care, the economic development. Thus, it seems unreasonable for a developing country to burden the huge expense on paying the tuition for the students.

hinder them from 表达
some certain 表达
though,表达
basic living problems -> problems of basic livelihood ?  
burden the huge expense 搭配



Though, a sustainable development requires this support on education, whose benefits will demonstrate in the long run.

though,? 这样用不对   
this support? such support?  college education  
whose- the benefits of which
demonstrate 后面要有宾语



First, the education is essential elements for furthering a country’s economic advancement. Nowadays, some developing countries still focus on the low-end industry, which needs the number rather than the quality of the people. This development pattern may work at the beginning of their development, yet when it comes to next level, the shortness of human resource with higher education may prevent them from further development. It is because the advanced development entails the prospect of upgraded industries such as the IT, the finance, which require people with professional knowledge rather than labors who are only competent in repeating and laborious work. Since the education is the best approach to elevating its citizens, a provident government should definitely spend some money in supporting education.

这有个问题 题目讲的是大学学费 你却说的是education  
而且整段没有讲学费  你的起点是政府付学费 要从这里开始推导 得出这个政策会带来经济发展的结论 但是你没有以付学费作为起点展开 这段就基本废掉了  


More importantly, the policy it is a guarantee for the mobility of a society. We have to admit that in some country, the stratification is severe. While the youngster that born with silver spoons receives the best education resource, many ill-bred students could not enroll in an admitting university just because of the poverty. Since the education is the best, if not the only, way for the poor youth to strive for a better life and change the present situation, we can easily image the stratification would deteriorate as whether a student can go to the university is decided by his or her family condition. Consequently, the discontent and resentment among the lower class will be aroused as the most important rung of social ladder has been removed by the government, which may pose the threat to the stability of a society.


the policy it is 严重句子结构问题
an admitting university 表达
change the present situation 有点笼统
image the stratification would deteriorate 表达
family condition - socioeconomic background  

Consequently, the discontent and resentment among the lower class will be aroused as the most important rung of social ladder has been removed by the government, which may pose the threat to the stability of a society.  这句话和前面没有衔接起来  你要说清楚这里的rung of social ladder和付学费之间的关系  

你的中间段的论述逻辑和层次还有待改进

句子方面的问题请往句子加油站




Thus, though there are many other affairs for the government to tackle in a short time, from a more provident view, it is necessary to pay the tuition for students admitted by universities.