cchen-5月作文练习

cchen2014UID: 3590105

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-27 20:42
已点评

谢谢王老师的点评！暴露了很多写作中的问题，周末开始集中火力改文章。我研究生学过一点二语习得，不过比较皮毛，语料库的例子其实是我自己写论文过程中遇到的困难。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

cchen2014 发表于 2015-5-28 22:54
71. The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

"Traffic here in Waymarsh is b ...

已点评

fishgoUID: 3607599

cchen2014 发表于 2015-5-28 22:58
谢谢建议！你提到的第一条，在写作过程中的确应该要说清楚，不然没法清楚回应instruction的要求。不过你说 ...

想起昨天写的那篇argument，里面也有一个数字的问题，20min到40min的变化是不是一定表示交通存在问题，跟这篇你的那点很像啊，30%more是不是真的能反映存在安全问题，我觉得还是你分析的到位，比较跟王老师思路接近一些，哈哈！

cchen2014UID: 3590105

Issue 62: Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
        
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

How is a leader generated? Some address that leaders are created by the demands lay on them. While it is true in civil rights movements, one also need to look at the individual capability and experience in cases like presidential election. Furthermore, I will also address a case in which leader is created by his/her own social obligation before any demands exits.

It is especially true to the some civil rights movements that the demand creates the leader. Usually, if a society or a group is urging for someone to stand out and claim for their rights and interests, the strong impetus would push someone to speak for the group. That is how demand creates a leader. For example, while African-Americans were screaming for the end of racial segregation in United States, Martin Luther King took the responsibility. His leadership was fundamentally created under the social request. Without such demands, there would be no such leaders.

However, it terms of presidential election or the selection of CEO in business corporation, demand itself could not create a leader without taking his capability and experience into consideration. Although there is a need for a leader in a nation, a corporation, a team, or even a smaller unit, and people will stand out and volunteer to take the responsibility,  a judgement of his/her ability and experience is also essential for members of any associations to decide who to be the leader. President was elected because his/her showed extraordinary abilities of dealing with domestic and foreign affairs. Experienced businessman was selected for a more promising and prosperous future for the company. Thus, instead of demand, internal qualities also help to shape someone to be a leader.

Nevertheless, leaders can also be created by their own social obligation before any demand exist. One who cares about the society would want to devote himself into a a career which helps human to live a better life, even though no one ever pushed him. Rachel Carson, for instance, the writer of Silent Spring, observed the egregious potential threats of DDT to human and our environment. She devoted herself to warn the world of the damage of DDT and advanced the global environmental movement. Before Carson, people were rarely conscious about the need for environmental protection. In this case, it is Carson’s social obligation that created the leader of environmental movement.

To sum up, whether or not a  leader is created by the demands needs to be discussed case by case. In different circumstances, social demands, individual ability and personal obligation will play different roles in shaping a leader.

不知道跑偏了没～一开始没什么思路，看了王老师的文章，打算先结合自己的想法写写看，如果偏了再根据老师的提纲重写。

sokillerUID: 3446082

cchen2014 发表于 2015-6-3 23:19
Issue 62: Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
        
Write a response in ...

－我觉得你的第二分论点并不是完全否定 demand itself could not create 似乎预示着必须要有其他因素的配合才行 而不是说 不需要demand 光靠其他因素是可以create

－第三分论点是没有建立在任何情况的基础上 单纯的说明了社会责任所起的作用

cchen2014UID: 3590105

Argument 14 The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted


TS
Given the result of a study about advertising firms indicating the relationship between the less amount of sleep an executive needs and the better performance the company have,  the magazine suggests that if a company wants to grow prosperous, it should only recruit employees who need six-hour-sleep or less.  However, there lies a number of assumptions about the reliability of the study, the cause of success in advertising companies, and the comparability between advertising companies and other companies. We need to examine the assumptions in order to have a better assessment of the suggestion.

TS1
To begin with, it is assumed that the duration of sleep executives reported was the real case.
高管可能不知道自己睡多久，而随便report睡眠时长。
知道自己睡眠时间的高管，也可能谎报，说自己只睡6小时，让别人觉得自己很努力。
如果数据不真实，那report的可靠性就存疑，建议的有效性也受影响。

TS2
Even if those executives in advertising firms do need shorter sleep, assumption is made that it is a major standard to measure the performance of the employee and also one and the only cause to lead a company to success.
有些公司本来就很成功，所以高管很忙，不得不睡得少，那成功的公司反而是睡眠少的结果。
如果员工睡得少是因为自己效率低，那睡得少的人不一定比睡的多但效率高的人更有助于公司。
即使有效率高的高管睡眠少，他们的确让公司更成功，是否还有其他原因导致公司成功？比如高管有更多的社会资源；能成为高管的人说明其本身很优秀，有能力带领公司发展。

TS3
Even if the executives’ shorter period of sleep is the crucial reason for a company to thrive, there has been assumptions of the comparability between executives and other employees, and advertising firms and other firms.
不同公司领域不同，招聘员工的要求不同。广告公司需要创意和善于做决策的员工，睡得少，花时间在brainstorm上可能有助于公司繁荣，但外科医生如果没有充分睡眠，就会影响第二天的手术，不但影响了本人和医院的声誉，更是人命关天。
甚至同一家公司里，每个人的岗位不同，对员工的要求也不同。比如在学校，老师如果睡得少可以花更多的时间备课，让自己的教学水平提高，有助于学校口碑的提升；但学校后勤人员（比如保安）只需完成在学校上班时间的任务，即使睡的再少，也无关工作水平的提高以及学校（公司）的发展。

fishgoUID: 3607599

cchen2014 发表于 2015-6-4 19:05
Argument 14 The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

A recent st ...

来点评了~
1、ts1点我感觉还行，就是后面的高管的例子我感觉有点不太妥，有点以偏概全的意思
2、ts2为什么又是高管。。。前面的说理讲的有点绕了，不如直接说公司的成功可能是其他的因素，比如高管的能力，或者其他，总之就不是因为员工睡得少
3、ts3，我不知道在argument里面一段举多个例子合不合适啊，但感觉提纲写的好复杂。。。可以试试指出在其他公司，要想成功，主要的因素有哪些

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

cchen2014 发表于 2015-5-10 14:27
Issue 3 Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of  ...

楼主你好。我看你的观点是同意题目中的观点的。我在想，我们写作的时候，是可以正负都写还是可以只写正面或只写负面的呢？我不明白应该如何表明自己的立场：是赞同或不赞同还是中庸呢？谢谢！

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

cchen2014 发表于 2015-5-28 22:54
71. The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

"Traffic here in Waymarsh is b ...

尽管王老师已经点评过你的Argument-71了，我还是来点评一下。因为我是最晚加入这个备考小组的，所以我完成了Argument-71的任务后，你在我的楼上，我还是按照规矩来点评你的。

你的主题段第一段论述的逻辑非常完美。在具体举例说明两次调查的人群可能不一样时，你引用了距离远近来说明问题。感觉很靠谱啊。我引用的是人群出行的时间（一拨人清晨5点出发去上班，另一波是7点半。那7点半那波人肯定花时间多，因为车多路堵。所以两次调查结果不具有可比性）。相比你的，我的举例就牵强很多。从你这里学到了。

主题段第二段，我的思路跟你的一样。也是说可能有并行的措施。不过你写的更具体更切题在于，你指出了并行的措施是 control pollution。我写的是beneficial to local ecosystem。跟你相比，我的信息就显得很间接，而且切题不紧密的感觉。

主题段第三段，你写的高度概括。我写的是很low。

总之，就是从你这篇范文里学到了很多东西。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

你下次考试日期定了没？

cchen2014UID: 3590105

tesolchina 发表于 2015-7-6 22:59
你下次考试日期定了没？

定了11月初，如果还能临时刷出早一点的，可能会再报一场

cchen2014UID: 3590105

Argument 34
The vice president of human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.
"In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits. "

"Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted."

---

In order to boost employees’ productivity and enhance company’s profit, the vice president of human resources at Climpson Industries suggets to implement electronic monitoring of the employee’s use of Internet. Before the implementation, however, we need to look at the underlying assumptions. The following passages will scrutinize several assumptions, which are about the causal relationship between the decrease in time on personal activities and the increase in productivity, about the real intention of employee’s to get online, and about the effectivity of monitoring system in spying on people’s behavior and increasing the overall profits.
employee’s to get online句子结构
about the effectivity- effectiveness


It is assumed that there is a causal relationship between the time spent on recreation and the productivity. A curtailment in time spent on relaxation during working hour, however, is not necessarily promising an increase in the latter. We couldn’t rule out other possible outcomes. For instance, if there is a fixed quota of the job load everyday, and the majority of workers can finish it in much shorter time than daily working hours, the productivity everyday will not change even after they have to spend more time on work during the day.  Another possible scenario, which is in stark contrast to the president’s expectation, goes that the installation of monitors brings an deteriorating effect on productivity. Once deprived of relaxation and recreational time during daily drudgery, employee’s would feel overburdened and unsatisfied with the rigid working regulation. Demoralized staff are usually less likely to work as hard. Therefore, the causal relationship is so tenuous that once the suggestion is executed recklessly, it might give rise to an unexpected and negative influence on productivity.

其实原文并没有提到 productivity  而是说的work ethic  
curtailment- promise - increase 搭配
我觉得你写的第二点比较靠谱 就是一定时间的放松是有利于工作的  第一个点感觉不是很靠谱  

Granted that the best solution to boost productivity is the reduction in recreational time, it is further assumed that using Internet engages the major chunk of  pastime and employees only use Internet for recreational purpose. This is not always the case. Firstly, employees might spend more time on other things like chatting with colleagues or reading magazines than on Internet. In order to cut down the idling time，it would be better to first figure out on which way of relaxation do people waste more time. The effect of stopping people from using Internet might be too nomial compared to that of stopping workers from bring in magazines into their offices.  Secondly, it is equally possible that employees use Internet other than recreational purpose. Checking e-mails from bosses or searching information needed for assigned tasks also involve Internet. These online activities,however, are highly work-related and do not serve for personal or recreational end. If Internet is indispensable to employees in Climpson Industries for their daily work, the suggestion to forestall workers from Internet seems to be a counterproductive solution.

Granted that the best solution to boost productivity is the reduction in recreational time, 这一部分可以删掉   感觉在打上一段的脸啊  
这个假设是不对的  这里关注的问题是上网做私事浪费了时间 而不是说上网只是娱乐啊 感觉你没有抓住原题的重点啊  



Additionally, the vice president assumed that the monitoring system will work effectively in surveilling people’s behaviors and in driving up the profits. Yet it is an undue inference. In accordance with the  installation of monitors, employees might grow increasingly vigilant not to be caught while surfing the internet. They could use smart phones or iPads to get online surreptitiously, which it less easy to be noticed by monitors than on PCs or laptops. In a way, employees simply switch to other appliances without any reduction in the on-line hours. Be it that monitoring system does it job on spotting the violators, whether it brings profit rise is uncertain without enough data. It’s never free to install monitors. The company might have to worry about hiring experts or training several staff to operate the system. These all cost money. If above expenses outweigh the increase in revenue brought by a more efficient productivity, the suggestion will thus bring a decrease in profit instead of give it a rise.  

which it less easy- is (typo)
Be it that句子结构
more efficient productivity搭配
这一段的内容感觉可以写成两段  


A vigorous and productive working condition is valuable for companies to survive and thrive in the severe business competition.Whereas with several assumptions underlying the suggestion, the vice president’s well-intentioned proposal might indeed need to be scrutinized and thought twice.

cchen2014UID: 3590105

Issue 15
Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

---

I strongly disagree with the statement for two reasons. Firstly, it is impossible to define some majors as lucrative for future career, while others are not as lucrative. Secondly,  students who are advised to choose such majors might not as well enjoy studying or their future jobs. Although it is understandable that educational institutions are interested in cultivating successful students, such suggestion might indeed end up with a lower satisfaction among students.
define some majors as lucrative 选词  - select any majors that could guarantee a lucrative career


To begin with, it is hard to predict which career would sure to provide students with a more lucrative future. The demand and need in job market is changing constantly and quickly. Thus, any suggestion bears risks. Along with the rapid growth in dot-coms, computer science was a promising major in the early 1990s. Nevertheless, this field experienced the dot-com crash around 2000. If a student was persuaded to choose CS as a major out of career concern, he or she might end up with disappointment in finding a job when graduated. In other words, because of the unpredictability of job market, it is unwise and impossible for universities to persuade students to pursue their study in majors of so-called lucrative future career.

which career- which major
would sure to这个错误你没看出来么 还是不小心 汗  



Another reason for my disagreement is that, once a students are suggested to take career into consideration, they might choose majors which they have no interests in and instead start jobs they have no passion on.  Without interests but solely driven on external motivation, students would feel struggled and painful when they are learning materials they do not like. Their academic performance might not meet the expectation for their future employers, and thus, their would not get a desirable job or position in the fields. Even if they are lucky enough to get a decent job, a lack of internal driving force would not promise a long-term success.

你的主题句需要编辑一下
would not promise- would less likely lead to



Some may argue that this suggestion could help universities to have more successful alumni and thus receive more donations from alumni in the future. With the affluent donation and resources received, universities could attract more professors and students with more potential. It is seemingly plausible that educational institutions would benefit from doing so, 断句 however, if those successful alumni were once suggested to majors and jobs they do not like, they would be less willing to donate because of the dissatisfaction toward schools. Making such suggestion thus seems to be counterproductive.




To sum up,…


后面是不够时间写么