cchen-5月作文练习

cchen2014UID: 3590105

cchen的习作帖

授权声明：本人为寄托ID cchen 的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。

考试日期：6.28

考试纪录：托福27  GRE 3.5


＃2   Issue 3
＃6   Issue 12
＃12 Issue13
＃4   Issue108

＃3   Argument 14(118)
＃9   Argument 32
#14 Argument 71

cchen2014UID: 3590105

Issue 3 Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

TS
Life achievements are what most people are longing and striving for. Therefore, to choose wisely the field one wants to devote to so as to be successful is crucial. This field of endeavor is usually determined by the major and field of study one chose in school. （这里用it is 句型多好啊 -看看我的博客278楼）Consequently, I agree that educational institutions should take the duty to discourage those students who are wasting time on unpromising fields of study. It is not only helpful for those students in the field of sports or arts, which aim at a short-term fame in terms of success, but also beneficial to those students in universities who want be more competitiveness among colleagues in future vocation. Some might cast doubt on the viability of this practice, however with the collaboration of different methods, we do  have a way to identify whether a student is suitable for his major or not.

which aim？
be more competitiveness ?
, however标点


嗯 不错 主旨句有清晰的层次 在主题句里找到了对应的点  
你的第一个点以体育、艺术为例
艺术我觉得还可以 因为确实有艺术学院 体育嘛 就不太确定了 虽然大学里也有NCAA什么的 但是那不算field of study吧  
或许可以改为 艺术与音乐  这样的话short-term fame就未必是目标了 你可以强调这些领域对天赋的要求  




ts1
School intervene benefits a lot to those young men in field of endeavor where gift and talent is indispensable to success.
很多人有热情但却不知道自己没有天赋，然而在体育和艺术等领域，没有天赋，即便再努力，运动员或艺术家也不一定能收获名声、获得成功。学校如果能尽早劝阻，学生就可以及时改变努力方向，比如，主攻短跑的学生，有耐力却没有爆发力，会再教练的引导下选择长跑；在学习体育，但在身体素质再没有达到优秀运动员的要求，可以转向体育教育，甚至与体育无关的专业。




ts2
In addition, school interference also help to maximize students’ potential in future job market and forestall the imbalanced competition in future job market.
每个人性格和特长不同，适合的领域不同。学生即使知道自己的弱项和强项，也容易被当下的热门职业吸引而选择相关专业，学校的干预此刻是有预见性的，可以防止未来职场的不平衡也能让学生明确自己最适合的工作。比如，CS和金融是热门专业，因为能有一份较高收入的工作，但某数理基数很弱的学生，则不适合这一专业。如果不在行，学习的困难度会导致失去学习兴趣，即使到了职场，也没同事有竞争力，成为恶性循环。如果该生的创新思维以及沟通交流能力很强，学校可以引导他可以去市场营销相关专业。


interference--> intervention

上段讲 talents 这段可以讲 Prior background 比如数学不好的 SAT数学分数低的 肯定不适合学计算机


ts3
Some may concern how could educational institutions decide wether a student is apt for his major. With the help of experts, students academic behaviors and some other scientific methods, schools are able to make a pretty accurate identification. 在艺术和体育领域，专家、教练、艺术家和专业运动员就能很好的鉴别。他们都是经验丰富的人，能做出较准确的判断，知道哪些人有天赋哪些没有，日后辅以系统的训练，可以帮助他们更成功。对于一般大学生来说，学生几年来的成绩报告以及入学考试都是很好的判断标准，量化考试虽然不绝对但科学性也不容置疑，学校再辅以相关性格测试等，便可以知晓。

嗯 不错
思路和例子都挺好




没写前就知道自己弱了，写完更不明觉弱。。。但还是得坚持写～～

cchen2014UID: 3590105

Argument 14 The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted


TS
Given the result of a study about advertising firms indicating the relationship between the less amount of sleep an executive needs and the better performance the company have,  the magazine suggests that if a company wants to grow prosperous, it should only recruit employees who need six-hour-sleep or less.  However, there lies a number of assumptions about the reliability of the study, the cause of success in advertising companies, and the comparability between advertising companies and other companies. We need to examine the assumptions in order to have a better assessment of the suggestion.

TS1
To begin with, it is assumed that the duration of sleep executives reported was（这里有个疑问，用was还是is？） the real case.
高管可能不知道自己睡多久，而随便report睡眠时长。
知道自己睡眠时间的高管，也可能谎报，说自己只睡6小时，让别人觉得自己很努力。
如果数据不真实，那report的可靠性就存疑，建议的有效性也受影响。

TS2
Even if those executives in advertising firms do need shorter sleep, assumption is made that it is a major standard to measure the performance of the employee and also one and the only cause to lead a company to success.
有些公司本来就很成功，所以高管很忙，不得不睡得少，那成功的公司反而是睡眠少的结果。
如果员工睡得少是因为自己效率低，那睡得少的人不一定比睡的多但效率高的人更有助于公司。
即使有效率高的高管睡眠少，他们的确让公司更成功，是否还有其他原因导致公司成功？比如高管有更多的社会资源；能成为高管的人说明其本身很优秀，有能力带领公司发展。

TS3
Even if the executives’ shorter period of sleep is the crucial reason for a company to thrive, there has been assumptions of the comparability between executives and other employees, and advertising firms and other firms.
不同公司领域不同，招聘员工的要求不同。广告公司需要创意和善于做决策的员工，睡得少，花时间在brainstorm上可能有助于公司繁荣，但外科医生如果没有充分睡眠，就会影响第二天的手术，不但影响了本人和医院的声誉，更是人命关天。
甚至同一家公司里，每个人的岗位不同，对员工的要求也不同。比如在学校，老师如果睡得少可以花更多的时间备课，让自己的教学水平提高，有助于学校口碑的提升；但学校后勤人员（比如保安）只需完成在学校上班时间的任务，即使睡的再少，也无关工作水平的提高以及学校（公司）的发展。

cchen2014UID: 3590105

Issue 108 Critical judgment of work in any given field has little value unless it comes from someone who is an expert in that field.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


No matter what field of major or what kind of job one is involved in, he may encounter difficulties while a decision needs to be made. When in this plot, consulting an expert for critical judgment might sound a decent and only valuable way, however, 断句  is it always the case? According to my point of view, in some fields like medicine, only those critical judgments from experts in this certain field is of great worth, while in some other cases like Second Language Teaching, where the filed of knowledge is not mutually exclusive with other fields, critical judgment from experts in other field would also play an important role. Taking the critical judgment from non-experts could even work out effectively in the rest cases like a chef running a restaurant.

When in this plot 什么意思
in the rest cases什么意思

开头第一、二句写得不太好
后面的主旨句还不错 思路应该有参考我的文章？


In the field of medicine, expert’s critical judgement is of the most important value, while others’ worth little. Take Radiology Department in a hospital as an example. Most of the patients need to take CT or MRI to get an accurate diagnose of the disease one got. Patients, or other laypersons, would have no idea what an X-Ray film is about and incapable of interpreting it, not to mention giving critical judgment of the diagnose. Even for doctors, they might also made misdiagnose. One would occasionally mistook benign tumor as cancer. That’s why in hospitals, there always have some sort of doctor consultation held by experts. In those field, adequate knowledge together with sufficient experience made experts, and their critical judgement is so valuable that would save life.

diagnose- 词性
楼主这个例子举得有点风险 将diagnosis作为work 不是不可以 但是有风险  一般work理解为作品比较合适
你需要更明确的强调 the diagnosis as the work  


In Second Language Teaching, however, experts’ critical judgment from other filed of study will also have great value. Second Language Acquisition (SLA) is not an independent discipline, 断句 it was  established and developed on the basis on multiple disciplines. Psychology, as one of those studies, has great influence on SLA. Thus, experts’ critical judgement of Psychology may work out well. For instance, if a teacher, frustrated at his attempts to correct his Japanese students adding negation “not” at the end of an English sentence, would consult an experts in cognitive psychology, he might get to know that it is a phenomenon called negative transfer of native language. As a Japanese, who always add “not” at the end of the sentence, that student is unconscious while making he mistake. Psychologist’s Critical judgment is thus helping for both the teacher and students. A slightly change in teaching method, which aims at making the student “conscious” while making negation ( methods varies a lot, i.e., let the student accentuate the word of negation while speaking or underscore while writing, etc.) will bring huge improvement. In the cases above, though the critical judgment came from experts in other field, it is useful in the target field.

楼主是学英语的么 同行？  

问题同上 work的概念 应该是指作品
或许改成一篇类似的论文就好了  


Not only experts’ critical judgment is of great value, 断句 sometimes one might also benefit from those judgment from non-experts. When you were attracted by a newly open fancy restaurant, walked in, made your order and started enjoying your food, a chef might gently come to you and ask, “How’s your food?” By asking so, he, the “expert” in kitchen, was asking you, the “amateur”, of your critical judgment of his “work” to help him improve. Non-experts’s critical judgment is valued. This might also hold true in some other cases like a subscriber crediting a you-tuber’s vlog, or a book reader reviewing on amazon.com. Their judgment could influence other viewers or readers’ choices.  

这个例子反而挺好
不过你没有解释为什么non-experts的判断在这种情况下是有价值的  


That whether or not a critical judgment is valuable is not always only depend on the person who made it. We need to treat it case by case. Sometimes a critical judgement of an expert from a seemingly irrelevant major might of huge significance,断句  at times non-experts critical judgement is also worth being taken into consideration.


楼主整体语言表达还不错 要注意某些长句子要分成两句或者用分号
另外你的例子选得有点悬




第一次限时。。失败了， 50多分钟。下次开始构思想清楚例子找好再严格限时！

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

cchen2014 发表于 2015-5-18 22:31
Issue108 Critical judgment of work in any given field has little value unless it comes from someone  ...

尽快开始限时写全文是王道

cchen2014UID: 3590105

Issue 12. Governments should offer a free university education to any student who has been admitted to a university but who cannot afford the tuition.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.


Issue 25. Governments should offer college and university education free of charge to all students.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

可否介绍下花了多长时间 写之前的思路 写的过程有何困难等等


（写的是12 ）

The spiraling college tuition is making the public panic. People are worried that those students who counld not afford the tuition fee would be bereft of the chance to go to college, even if they are qualified. Thus, some proposed that any government should proffer those students a chance to go to college free of charge. However, for many underdeveloped countries, who are still struggling to feed their citizens, they are incapable of following the above suggestion. For them, the priority of fundings should go to healthcare and infrastructure , etc.. This is no to deny that developed countries with abundance fundings should implement the advice. From my point it view, the policy would not be beneficial to the students who are granted the free education, to the students who still need to pay tuition by themselves, and to the universities who do need fundings to prosper.

would be bereft of ? deprived of?
This is no to deny that?
如果你在后面不打算讲 underdeveloped countries 那么你在第一段也没必要提这个  
感觉你第一段写得太多了 可以早点提观点 前面的铺垫不要太多  


To start with, let's take an eye on those students who are not able to afford the tuition. They might seem to be the group who benefit the most from this policy. However, if a student is in financial stake, he will be encouraged to work harder. Once a student go to school in loan, he will feel pushed to study hard, because a better performance promises a better job with higher pay, which is finally the source of fund to cover his debt. Vice versa, free tuition releases this group of students from the finical pressure which might cause a slacken in study. The aim of the policy is to help those who are qualified but less wealthy students to get into a fair competition with their wealthier peers. A more effective way might instead be university offering students a chance to win a descent amount of scholarship or the government providing loans free of interest.

题目要求you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.
主题句最好直接说明这个政策对于你所关注的群体有什么后果 不要只是提出要关注这个群体 你只有30分钟 考官可能只有30秒 没有时间游花园   

if a student is in financial stake 不懂你的意思
这个however之前应该有一句话来概括你要讨论的观点
Vice versa, 这个很少用在开头 你可以说Similarly  
cause a slacken?

The aim of the policy is这里对于政策的目的只是你的猜测 或许用if开头会好些
A more effective way might instead be university offering改写



Meanwhile, the policy is not fair for the students whose families feel no burden to cover their tuition. If the government is urging universities to offer free education to some of the students, it would probably subsidize the school with part of the nation’s tax income. Tax is gather from people and it aims at providing a better social welfare to all its citizen. Gratuitous education uses taxes collected from everyone to benefit only a tiny fraction of the society, which obviously breach the norm. This policy indirectly impairs those students who families paid their tuition but receive identical education with students who are granted free education.

你的这一段的推理逻辑没问题 但是基本的前提错了 税收的本质其实是劫富济贫 纳税人未必一定直接受益于税收所资助的项目 但是可以间接受益 比如说税收资助教育 让穷人读了书之后 就不会去拦路抢劫或偷东西 而偷、抢的对象很可能是纳税人   

It is seemingly helpful that the college could matriculate more potential students under the aid of this policy, 断句 however, this might do no good for a college to thrive. College education is elite education, which makes it a relatively scare source compared to obligatory education, like K12. A higher enrollment would cut down the average school resource among each student. An efficient machine would not perform well while overburdened, 断句 it is the same to colleges. A better college-level instruction requires more money in the recruitment of skilled and experienced teachers and professors, in the investment of advanced laboratory, and in funding the scientific research. If the government could offer appropriations to school-development, colleges would have chance to grow better. In this way, colleges could render their students a higher education quality, and could even offer scholarship to stimulate a better performance.

which makes it a relatively scare source (source?)

这段讲了两个不同的问题 一个是政策会导致人数增加 对学校资源有压力 这可以写一段 资源可以细分为人力资源和基础设施资源

另一个问题是政府的经费本来可以用作大学的发展 包括科研经费等等  而这个政策将会分薄这部分资源 这是机会成本的视角  


你的中间三段每段都有不同的问题 需要在以后的写作中注意
首先是主题句要概括观点
第二是立论的基础要符合常识  
第三是不要在一段里写两个独立的点  




To sum up, in spite of the good intention of the policy, once implemented, it would bring more negative effects then expected positives ones. However, students, society, and colleges could indeed benefit from the government funding, but in a wiser and more appropriate way.

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝

按老师要求先介绍一下：
时间：55分钟TT
写之前的思路：受老师的3＋1和issue理论必杀技的影响，想将any student分个类，但自身思路太局限，脑洞不够大。。只能分成被免费的学费和没免费的学生，于是最后凑了一段对学校的影响。
写的过程有何困难：三个角度觉得不够连贯，写起来有点东瓶西凑感

The spiraling college tuition is making the public panic. People are worried that those students who counld not afford the tuition fee would be deprived of the chance to go to college, even if they are qualified. Thus, some proposed that any government should proffer those students a chance to go to college free of charge.  From my point it view, the policy would not be beneficial to the students who are granted the free education, to the students who still need to pay tuition by themselves, and to the universities who do need fundings to prosper.

按照老师要求，将开头做了精简。  


To start with, to offer free education to students who cannot afford it might impair their motivation in learning. Once student is in education debt, he will feel pushed to study hard, because a better performance promises a better job with higher pay, which is finally the source of fund to cover his debt. Similarly, since free tuition releases this group of students from the finical pressure, a student will feel less motivated to pay effort into his field of study.  If the aim of the policy is to help those who are qualified but less wealthy students to get into a fair competition with their wealthier peers，a more effective way might instead be university offering students a chance to win a descent amount of scholarship or the government providing loans free of interest.

主题句增加了后果，改了一些不规范的语句，就是不知道表达到位了没。。。


Meanwhile, the policy is not fair for the students whose families feel no burden to cover their tuition. If the government is urging universities to offer free education to some of the students, it would probably subsidize the school with part of the nation’s tax income. Tax is gather from people and it aims at providing a better social welfare to all its citizen. Gratuitous education uses taxes collected from everyone to benefit only a tiny fraction of the society, which obviously breach the norm. This policy indirectly impairs those students who families paid their tuition but receive identical education with students who are granted free education.

你的这一段的推理逻辑没问题 但是基本的前提错了 税收的本质其实是劫富济贫 纳税人未必一定直接受益于税收所资助的项目 但是可以间接受益 比如说税收资助教育 让穷人读了书之后 就不会去拦路抢劫或偷东西 而偷、抢的对象很可能是纳税人   

It is seemingly helpful that the college could matriculate more potential students under the aid of this policy, 断句 however, this might do no good for a college to thrive. College education is elite education, which makes it a relatively scare source compared to obligatory education, like K12. A higher enrollment would cut down the average school resource among each student. An efficient machine would not perform well while overburdened, 断句 it is the same to colleges. A better college-level instruction requires more money in the recruitment of skilled and experienced teachers and professors, in the investment of advanced laboratory, and in funding the scientific research. If the government could offer appropriations to school-development, colleges would have chance to grow better. In this way, colleges could render their students a higher education quality, and could even offer scholarship to stimulate a better performance.

which makes it a relatively scare source (source?)

这段讲了两个不同的问题 一个是政策会导致人数增加 对学校资源有压力 这可以写一段 资源可以细分为人力资源和基础设施资源

另一个问题是政府的经费本来可以用作大学的发展 包括科研经费等等  而这个政策将会分薄这部分资源 这是机会成本的视角  


你的中间三段每段都有不同的问题 需要在以后的写作中注意
首先是主题句要概括观点
第二是立论的基础要符合常识  
第三是不要在一段里写两个独立的点  


To sum up, in spite of the good intention of the policy, once implemented, it would bring more negative effects then expected positives ones. However, students, society, and colleges could indeed benefit from the government funding, but in a wiser and more appropriate way.







tesolchinaUID: 2191404

12已改 请更新一楼的状态 及注明考试时间

cchen2014UID: 3590105

Issue 15 Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

这篇严格限了30分钟，明显字数就上不去了。

The spiraling tuition, the shrinkage of courses in humanities disciplines and the overwhelming images of successful businessman on public media, 这里要用破折号吧  these all seem to suggest a trend, that educational institutions should prod students to choose fields of study that promise them lucrative careers in the future. From my point of view, however, the uncertainty of the future job market and the importance of student’s interest in learning all cast doubt on this saying.

saying选词
第三段的内容也可以在前面preview一下



Firstly, it is impossible to foresee which major will be more remunerative based on the uncertainty of the future job market.
Once there is a demand in market, the job will be more profitable. In the early twentieth century, English course was first widely introduced into China. Although there was a huge demand in English teachers and tutors, the shortage was obvious. One graduated from English major could easily find a job in school and made handsome income. However, when the job market’s supply and demand is in a balance, the once popular job might seem less attractive in terms of income.


remunerative？
based on -- due to
One graduated from English major 语法
the job market’s supply and demand is in a balance不懂你的意思


Even if there is a way to predict the job market, students are less likely to do well in certain major if there is a lack of interest. One student feeling compelled to learn the course gets bored easily and will probably show less motivation in his study. This might finally lead to a terrible academic performance. In the worst case, this student might be kicked out of school before he is qualified for the society. The school interference in students’ major is of no help.

这段讨论Educational institutions should actively encourage的篇幅太少  
不光是辍学这么极端的情况 GPA低找工作也难啊


Some might argue that even though we could not tell which specific major will be more rewarding, there does lie a discrepancy of job income between Liberal Arts majors and those of Science and Engineering. School could encourage students to choose major in Science and Engineering. However, choosing majors in Liberal Arts based on students own will is not equal to a lower income career in the coming years. We should also note the discrepancy among different people in the same job. What matters most is the students performance, which is deiced by a mixture of various factors.

我觉得这里非要说文理科的区别不太好
可以借鉴 issue 74 指出有人认为可以根据过往记录来判断哪些专业可以准备lucrative career 进而指出 其实职业发展不仅受专业领域影响 还有很多不可控的因素
因此过往记录不可靠



To sum up, I don’t agree with the claim not only because it is infeasible to discern a field of study which will be more lucrative, but also not beneficial.

cchen2014UID: 3590105

Argument 32: During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

证据1：During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours.

证据2:Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers.

结论：Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

思路：1. 作者认为 30% more的事故率准确反映了安全状况。
         2. 即便安全隐患真的存在，作者认为较长的work shift是事故的唯一原因
         3. 即便长work shift导致了事故，作者认为缩短work shift员工就会有更好的睡眠
         4. 即使员工得到了睡眠，减少了accident，作者认为将低事故率能提高效率。


To start with, it is assumed that the only cause of the 30% more on-the-job accident rate is the longer work shift.

In this argument, the vice president of Quiot Manufacturing suggests that in order to cut down the accident rate and improve the productivity, Quiot Manufacturing should shorten employee's work shift to provide employees with more sleep time. However, a number of assumptions have been made about the real safty condition of Quiot, the cause of accidemt, the effectiveness of solution, and the link between lower accident rate and the higer productivity. We need to take theses into consideration while evaluating the suggestion.

To star with, the president assumed that a 30% more accident rate in Quiot than Panoply is an accurtate indicator of a worse safety condition in Quiot. 有可能Quiot公司的事故都是小事故，但Panoply的事故都是关乎人命的严重事故，那Quiot的安全状况比Panoply好。30%并不能真实反映事故数量，Quiot公司如果员工非常少，那每多一起事故，对percentage的影响就会很大，反之亦然。


a 30% more accident rate这个和题目的说法有些不同
不过你的point还是很好的 不能光看次数 要看严重程度



Even if, it is exigent that the safety condition needs to be improved in Quiot, it is assumed that the longer work shift is the only cause of the accident. However, there could be other reason for on-the-job accident. 比如：Quiot的设备陈旧，容易出事故。招聘的工人不够专业，操作机器不当。

Even if, 标点不对
整句的断句有问题
other reason for - that explain ...


Given that the major reason of the accident is the longer work shift which cause fatigue, the vice president made an assumption that shorten the work shift would be the effectvie solution.
工人有了更多的时间，但他们不一定会用来睡觉，fatigue但问题就无法解决。如果工人有更多时间娱乐（打游戏聚会。。。），甚至会影响第二天的工作，比之前更累。

shorten the work shift 语法


Even if employee’s will get enough sleep and lower the accident rate, an causal relationship is assumed between the lower accident and higher productivity.
事故率下降，但工人效率底下，productivity也无法上升。生产率提高应该综合考虑工厂设备很新旧、工人的技术水平等。

这个point不错


To sum up。。。

fishgoUID: 3607599

cchen2014 发表于 2015-5-26 21:19
Issue 32: During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at ...

cchen2014，你好！我来点评一下你的作文哈~很抱歉拖到现在才来。。
以下内容都出自我的个人看法，仅供参考，如果有疑问，欢迎一起来讨论~

首先，说一点我认为比较突出的问题，就是在每段论述里面，好像没有很明确的回应题目的要求“ what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.”在四段论述里面，每段都列举了可能的其他原因，来说明assumption不一定正确，但没有说明，如果assumption不成立，那么对原文的论证产生什么影响，我感觉其实只要在每段后面加上一两句，假如assu不成立，那么什么什么的推理就不成立了，所以原文也不成立，不知道这样够不够，具体还得问问王老师。

其次，我觉得第一点“作者认为 30% more的事故率准确反映了安全状况”，有一点牵强，原文里面没有明显的涉及安全状况的感觉，文中就number做了比较，结尾说为了减少这个number要怎样怎样，所以我感觉这里有一点过了。

然后，2、3、4点都提的比较好，还有一个优点就是，我感觉里面有一种让步逻辑，有点韦新亮老师的作文书里面argument的意思，我感觉写让步的话顺序很重要，这篇argument里面顺序我感觉很合理，最后看起来论证还是很严密的很有条理的~

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

cchen2014 发表于 2015-5-26 21:19
Issue 32: During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at ...

已点评

cchen2014UID: 3590105

Issue 13  Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

There is no doubt that students will benefit from universities’ requirements to learn a diverse discipline outside their domain of study. It is not only conductive to a student in terms of academic performance, but also helpful to their future career. While some people may emphasis the heavy economic burden for students to take extra courses, there are alternative ways for students to acquire knowledge free of charge in colleges.

earn a diverse discipline表达
emphasis词性
acquire knowledge free of charge - 那不就不是course requirement了？  


To begin with, an inter-discipline study could help students establish more integrated knowledge to use problem solving method from different course into their major.
eg. 一语言学学生，需要通过语料库的筛选和整合完成中英两种语言中的高频词表，如果该生不会使用相关统计软件，那他专业课的task就无法完成。

啊 楼主的例子直击我的领域啊 难道是同行？
感觉主题句还可以写得更准确一些  use methodological approaches from other disciplines
an inter-discipline study -而且休其他课程本身并不是跨学科研究 只是可以make it possible to take a multidisciplinary approach  



Secondly, have a variety of knowledge prepares a student to be more competitive in future career.
同样专业和成绩的学生竞争同一个岗位，有更多其他学科知识的学生获得此岗位的概率更高。
eg. 教育专业的学生，如果申请同样教师岗位，该校推广数字化教学，教师需要讲课件等电子化，那么其中有计算机相关专业背景知识和技能的学生更容易录取。
eg 同样这两个学生，如果教师市场已饱和，那学过计算机课程的学生还能转向有其他技术岗位求职。


have a variety of knowledge prepares语法

虽然是列提纲 主题句的语法还是要注意  
例子都ok


Some may argue that if students have to learn different courses in university, they will be faced with a heavy load of tuition. However, this concern could be appeased by the fact that students can find various alternatives to achieve knowledge in universities instead of pay for a formal course.
eg. 学校有各种学生组织的acadamic club，学生可以去参加并学习。
      学生可以去图书馆搜索相关文献进行学习。
      参加学校举办的各种讲座等。

这个就不靠谱了 讲的内容脱离了题目说的course requirement  

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

cchen2014 发表于 2015-5-27 20:58
Issue 13  Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student ...

已点评

cchen2014UID: 3590105

71. The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

"Traffic here in Waymarsh is becoming a problem. Although just three years ago a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey just completed. Members of the town council already have suggested more road building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods. It would be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville. Last year Garville implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have fallen considerably. There is no reason why a policy like Garville's shouldn't work equally well in Waymarsh."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

According to the letter, Waymarsh should introduce a policy similar to that of Garville to encourage more drivers to share rides with others to solve a perceived traffic problem.  This policy will be better than the road building project proposed by the city council.  To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the surveys indicating the traffic problem, the policy implemented in Garville that is now proposed for Waymarsh, as well as its strengths and weaknesses relative to the road construction plan.  

To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh.
Although there shows an increase in the commuting time in the later survey, it does not necessarily substantiate a worse traffic in Waymarsh. Maybe the commuters in the first survey lives closer to their working place while those in the second one a lot further. The discrepancy in commutating time is then merely a result of longer distance. Also, it is important to look at the reliability of the time reported by the drivers. More information is needed to show whether the drivers reported their consumption of time accurately. Before enough information about the reliability of the surveys is presented, we could not assert that there is a traffic problem in Waymarsh.

there shows表达 substantiate a worse traffic 表达
整体写的不错  
比其他同学的几篇靠谱


In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has changed the traffic in Garville and how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh.  
Firstly, The decrease in Garville’s pollution level is not necessarily a result of the reduce in traffic. Along with the policy, the government might simultaneously implement a strict rule to control pollution. In order to prove that car-sharing lessen the pollution, we need more information to rule out other possibilities. Secondly, it is important to collect more data to prove the shortened time according to the casual talk. Thirdly, even if the policy indeed significantly ameliorate the pollution and lower the commuting time in Garville, we do not know whether the policy will have the same efficacy in Waymarsh. Maybe drivers and commuters in Waymarsh are reluctant to share rides to work. Meanwhile, residents in Waymarsh maybe much wealthier so coupons would not be of much attraction to them. Lacking enough information, whether or not the policy will be effective in Waymarsh is under uncertainty.


the reduce in traffic词性
control pollution -in what
other possibilities 这里没展开





Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road construction project.
Although it is said to be costly to construct more roads, the government does not need pay more in the coming years aside from the one-off investment. However, the seemingly small amount money on coupons is sure to gradually accumulate year after year, which could finally outstrip the cost of building new roads. Meanwhile, the cost of free-gas-coupon plan varies a lot according to the population of commuters and drivers. In order to compare which plan is more economical, a more precise cost of two plans is needed. In order to make a rational comparison between two plans, more quantitative data is necessary.

does not need pay more 这个说法不太准确 你开车不用交养路费么
这段建议你参考下我的范文


In conclusion, while the proposed policy seems useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues discussed above to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

cchen2014UID: 3590105

fishgo 发表于 2015-5-27 20:40
cchen2014，你好！我来点评一下你的作文哈~很抱歉拖到现在才来。。
以下内容都出自我的个人看法，仅供参 ...

谢谢建议！你提到的第一条，在写作过程中的确应该要说清楚，不然没法清楚回应instruction的要求。不过你说的第二点我还是持有保留意见，别介意啊，我的想法是，作者之所以提出下面一系列的措施，都是因为他觉得有个根本问题需要解决，那就是Q不安全，表面上看来是事故数字多，但暗含的意思的“安全是主要问题“，我写第一点就是为了回应根本问题到底存不存在，如果不存在，那之后作者的讨论都是无意义的了。 不知道我的想法对不对，还是太过脑补了？ ：D