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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2015-5-16 01:07:07 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-5-16 06:33 编辑

111) In any profession—business, politics, education, government—those in power should step down after five years.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1830872-1-1.html
第一关基本框架过恭喜楼主  主旨句和主题句呼应得不错  看得出来参考了我的范文捏住“抄”字诀就对了但是要注意不能整句的抄
第二关中间段的组织和结构由于只是写提纲看不出来楼主要开始写全文了吧记得限时
第三关楼主的例子比较合适干货如reputation knowledge等也都有
第四关啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊各种句子层面的表达问题估计需要长时间努力了见后面的点评

My outline:

TS:
Leadership is the most essential part of any enterprises, such as business, science, government and so on. Some people argue that the leadership should step down after five years in order to avoid the abuse of power. However, I hold the view that this proposal works for the politic field, while not benefit the business and science field, because the leadership in science and business always require a relatively long time period to construct reputation or accumulate experience.

politic field ?
however这句话 while not的语法有问题  because后面可以考虑用it ... for ... to的句型  另外leadership不能construct  leader才行
整句话请往句子加油站修改

TS1:
Constructing consumer’s reputation in work is indispensable for people work in business. In other words, long time period is needed for a qualified leadership to construct their own fame. Consequently, it is a big lost for any company to lose a qualified leadership, as the company may have to spend a lot of money to cultivate such a person with good reputation.
例子：在Jobs领导下的苹果公司如日中天，在smart phone市场占有独一无二的地位，但在Jobs去世之后，其继任者在消费者中的reputation显然没有Jobs那么高了，这也让了很多“果粉”的流失，导致了2014年苹果销售额增速的大幅减缓，并被三星和亚洲市场的小米，华为等追上。

Constructing consumer’s reputation  这个表达有问题  动宾搭配然后consumer's reputation 不懂
leadership vs. leader
big lost vs. loss
spent money doing sth

TS2:
The similar logic works in the science field, in which the leadership must have to spend many years to accumulate enough knowledge and work experience. Therefore, requiring the leadership step down after a certain time period in such field may hamper their work and thus thwart the development of the whole industry.

例子：水稻专家袁隆平领导的科学团队用了数十年时间才研发出高产的，生理性能稳定的杂交水稻(hybrid rice)，如果让他早早换届，那么他就不可能将他最初的想法贯彻实施，曾经困扰数亿人口的饥荒问题也不可能这么快解决。

TS3:
However, it is necessary for the leadership in politics to step down after a certain time period. Some people may question that a leadership sometimes also need a lot of time to implement policy, but I would argue that the disadvantages of keeping a leadership for too long time outweigh the advantages. 在政治领域领导地位过久可能带来一系列的问题，比如腐败，以及官员思想的outmoded无法跟上不同时期的发展要求等。例子：Mubarak执政Egypt十余年，由于任人唯亲，腐败等一系列因素导致民间不满和矛盾加剧，最终导致政变。