sunshineatnoon的六月作文练习帖

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

argument 15

15) The following memorandum is from the business manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants.
Recently, butter has been replaced by margarine in Happy Pancake House restaurants throughout the southwestern United States. This change, however, has had little impact on our customers. In fact, only about 2 percent of customers have complained, indicating that an average of 98 people out of 100 are happy with the change. Furthermore, many servers have reported that a number of customers who ask for butter do not complain when they are given margarine instead. Clearly, either these customers do not distinguish butter from margarine or they use the term 'butter' to refer to either butter or margarine.
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.
用时：30min
思路：其他三个原因可以解释题设的现象：
（1）顾客可能不习惯公开抱怨；
（2）店员可能隐瞒顾客的抱怨；
（3）调查时间太短，没有收集足够的投诉数据。

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
According to manager of Happy Pancake House, 98% of their customers either do not distinguish butter from margarine or use the term ‘butter’ to refer to either butter or margarine because they didn’t complain about serving them margarine when they actually asked for butter	总结argument	注意审题  98%并不适用后一个点
However, alternative reasons may account for why they didn’t complain
It is possible that these customers are not used to complaining or the period of time during which these complaints are collected is not long enough	其他的三个原因	我怎么只看到两个
First and foremost, the fact that 98% of Happy Pancake House's customers didn't complain about changing butter to margarine doesn't necessarily mean that they are satisfied with this change
It is possible that they are not accustomed to complaining about restaurants publicly when they actually suffered from unsatisfactory services	原因一：顾客不习惯公开投诉
However, they might complain about these dissatisfactions in private with their families or friends, or alternatively, on their social network	可能私下抱怨
What's more, they may simply choose not to return to the same store next time	或者不再光顾
So no complaining doesn't imply that they accept margarine as an alternative of butter		写得不错 衔接词挺好
Secondly, the data of customers' complains about margarine may be unreliable	原因二		complaints
On one hand, servers in these pancake stores may ignore some complaints from customers due to a busy business	可能性一		a busy business表达
One the other hand, replacing butter with margarine may bring more profits to a store or too many complaints may cause deduction on wages so that servers in Happy Pancake House deliberately hided customers' complaints	可能性二		On... so that是表目的而不是结果
Under either circumstance, the facts presented by the manager above could be explained			整句表达需调整
Last but not least, the argument doesn't provide the period during which these complains are collected	原因三
It is possible that customers who prefers butter to margarine have not yet bought food from these stores or not yet made complains about this change	收集的投诉不全面	这个点不是很靠谱 请参考范文比对切入点
In conclusion, three other explanations can account for the facts presented in the argument	总结
It is possible that customers don't get used to making complaints publicly or their complaints have been hidden from servers or not enough period of time has been taken into consideration when studying impacts of changing butter to margarine	总结	中间第一段写的比较好  语言表达问题需要注意 请往句子加油站

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月18日 issue 122
122) The best way to understand the character of a society is to examine the character of the men and women that the society chooses as its heroes or its role models.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
本来想写提纲，写着写着就变成全文了，所以没有计时。
思路：不同意claim
（1）heroes有可能受权威的影响大，而不是由普通人选择的
（2）heroes之所以成为heroes是因为他们具有普通人不具有的characters，因此不能用来代表一个社会的character
（3）不同国家的heroes都有一些相同的charaters，因此并不能uniquely代表他们自己的社会。

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
Can heroes or heroines of a society represent the character of that society as the claim indicates? I disagree with this opinion	提出自己不同意claim		opinion- statement
The selecting procedure of heroes and heroines is often heavily influenced by authorities in a society in order to promote their own values	原因一		selection 强调procedure范围太窄
Some people may argue that the character of people who stand out of their peers and become heroes must be appreciated by most people in that society	其它观点	这个观点和题目的主题有些脱节 题目关注的社会的特征 你却再说people appreciate
However, I would argue that the reason why these people become heroes is that they have some characters that most people in the society don’t have	反驳观点原因一	这个点可以放到反驳之前
Also, heroes and heroines throughout the world share same characters so their characters can’t be a unique indicating of the character of the society the live in	反驳观点原因二	你打算用两段来反驳么 这个似乎不合理
First and foremost, authorities in a society have a significant impact on the selection of heroes or heroines	原因一
They tend to choose people whose values coincide with theirs and people who can help to propagate these values			people who can help to propagate these values和前面的coincide 搭配不对
Also, authorities might even hide some dark sides of these heroes and only show the public an unreal figure
As a result, these people can’t be expected to represent the character of the society
For instance, Feng Lei was hand-picked by Chinese leaders as a model who selflessly helped others and the government encouraged everyone to learn from him		你举例太晚了
However, Feng Lei was not chosen by ordinary people in China and although he might be selfless, we can’t come to the conclusion that all Chinese back then were selfless	举例	而且这个例子和前面的说理结合不紧
Some people may argue that the reason why people can become heroes is that they have characters that most people appreciate so they can represent the character of a society	其他人的观点	反驳通常放在中间第三段的位置  你这样处理 大概也可以
However, I don’t agree with this opinion based on two reasons
On one hand, the fact that people appreciate these characters doesn’t imply that they actually have these characters	不赞同这个观点原因一
On the contrary, the reason why some people become heroes is that they have characters that others don’t
Taking Martin Luther King as an example, it is his passion and persistence that separated him from ordinary people of United States and made him a hero in the Civil Rights Movement	举例
But these characters can’t represent most people in United States back then
Imagine that if most people at his time were as passionate and persistent as him, then nobody would idolize him and no movements against discriminations would even exist		我觉得这个例子把MLK写得太简单了  美国考官对MLK的了解比你我多得多 感觉没必要跳这种坑
On the other hand, heroes or heroines throughout the whole world share some common characters so they can’t uniquely represent their own societies	不赞同some people观点的原因二
For instance, sports stars such as Michel Jordan and David Backham are adored by people in American and England			Michael
It is their common characters such as excellent skills or persistence or hard-working that made them heroes
However, there is no information about the characters of ordinary people in these two countries that we can get from Jordan and Backham	举例
So it is inaccurate to take these heroes as representations when studying about the character of a society			representatives studying the character
In conclusion, taking the characters of heroes or heroines of a society as representations of the character of a society is inaccurate because the heroes might be chosen by authorities instead of people and they actually share characters that is not unique to a society or that the society lacks	总结

其实你的三个point都挺好 但是写反驳的编排还需要再斟酌

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

sunshineatnoon 发表于 2015-6-18 15:26
6月18日 issue 122
122) The best way to understand the character of a society is to examine the char ...

我看你写的思路我以为你会写三个原因呢，但是看你的正文好像你分了两个原因来论述。

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-6-19 15:17
我看你写的思路我以为你会写三个原因呢，但是看你的正文好像你分了两个原因来论述。

是三个原因
第一个是为什么不认同claim
第二个和第三个都是用来反驳some people的reasons的。

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

sunshineatnoon 发表于 2015-6-19 15:19
是三个原因
第一个是为什么不认同claim
第二个和第三个都是用来反驳some people的reasons的。

我看到了，刚才不太仔细。
感觉逻辑有点混乱。
这样，拿出两个理由来支持为什么不认同claim。
另外一个反驳其他观点。
这样是不是好点。
你用两个理由来反对其他人的观点，感觉看起来在说一件事。
（我说的不一定对啊。我的ISSUE写得很烂。。。）

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月19日 argument84
用时：30min
写得有点短了，越写越有种词穷的感觉=。=

84) The following is a letter to the editor of an environmental magazine.
Two studies of amphibians in Xanadu National Park confirm a significant decline in the numbers of amphibians. In 1975 there were seven species of amphibians in the park, and there were abundant numbers of each species. However, in 2002 only four species of amphibians were observed in the park, and the numbers of each species were drastically reduced. One proposed explanation is that the decline was caused by the introduction of trout into the park's waters, which began in 1975. (Trout are known to eat amphibian eggs.)

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

思路：
（1）        调查的时间不合理
（2）        种群自然死亡
（3）        环境的恶化

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
According to the editor, the number of amphibians in Xanadu National Park has declined significantly due to the introduction of trout into the park's waters	总结argument	包括species的数量减少 注意忠实于题目的本意
However, I argue that three other reasons such as the difference of time when the two studies were conducted, the pollution of environment and the natural death of amphibians may also account for the decline of the number of amphibians	提出其他三个解释	写得不错
First and foremost, it is possible that the study in 1975 and the study in 2002 were conducted in different seasons so they revealed different result	第一个解释
For instance, the study in 1975 might be taken during spring when amphibians are relatively more active and easy to be found than in other seasons
While the study in 2002 may be conducted during winter when most amphibians were hibernating and difficult to be spotted
Thus, the number of amphibians may actually not decline, but due to the different behavior of these amphibians in different seasons, it seems that the number of them declined	总结第一个解释		may not actually their numbers
Secondly, even if the number of amphibians indeed declined, factors other than the introduction of trout can account for this decline
For instance, the deterioration of environment in the park might be another possible reason for the reduction of amphibians	第二个解释
Amphibians spend a lot of time in water during their lives		注意过渡 As we all know,
If the waters in Xanadu National Park were polluted during the past few decades, then the habit of these amphibians are ruined, thus their number would significantly decreased too	水污染		water habit -ruined 搭配 不懂你的意思 decrease(d)
Also, global environment change which is significantly concerned by people can be another possible reason for the decrease of amphibians	全球环境变化		which is significantly concerned by people不懂
Last but not least, the two studies only show the number of species of amphibians, but they didn't show the exact number and age of amphibians of each specie	第三个解释
It is possible that when the study in 1975 was conducted, amphibians of some species were rare and too old to reproduce more amphibian babies		这个不是很靠谱	babies 选词
So with the death of these old amphibians, the species disappeared too
In conclusion, three explanations described above can also be used to explain the decrease of amphibians in Xanadu National Park	总结		explanations used to explain表达

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月22日 快速写作联系 issue59

计时：主旨句15分钟（超时了T T）
         补充提纲：10分钟，一共25分钟。
难点：看到题目就懵了，不知道怎么分类讨论，自己想了半天才想到分领域的发展情况，看了老师的范文，才发现可以分engineer和research讨论，感觉是不是自己还是有必要把所有提纲看一遍。

理想的情况是所有题目都准备一遍，大概issue argument各80多题

I agree that scientists should focus their research on areas that likely to benefit the greatest number of people if they are reaching in new fields. However, when it comes to fields that are already well developed, researches which seem unfruitful need to be encouraged too so that possible progress can be made in the future.


reaching in new fields 意思模糊  我觉得你的主旨句写得很失败  
完全没有清晰的分类  主旨句的意思模糊是非常严重的问题 这就意味着读者没法往下看你的文章了   


The goal of science is to make human lives better, so the welfare of most people is the first considerations of scientists when they are researching in a new field. 生物学最初的发展是为了治疗人们的疾病，延长寿命。即使现在，在一些突发疾病蔓延的情况下，科学家还是专注于研究这些疾病的治疗方法，例如sars。



The development of science is always driven by the need of mankind so at the beginning of a filed, the primer concern of scientists is the benefit of their researches. 互联网的诞生源于人们对远距离交流的渴望，在它开始发展的前几十年里，首先是对人们的生活进行方方面面的改变。比如使人们可以远程视频，网上购物，电子银行等。方便了人们的生活。

the need of mankind一个过于宽泛的概念  




However, when it comes to fields that are already mature, innovations are the first concern to scientist.物理学起初是为了解释人们日常生活中的物理现象，而在经典物理学成熟之后，开始进行相对论。虽然大多数人并不理解相对论，他们的生活也没有因为相对论而产生巨大的变革，然而为了继续人们对自然界的探索，相对论的研究也是必要的。



In conclusion, scientists working in a new field should take the greatest number of people’s benefit into considerations while scientists researching in mature fields should focus more on innovations in order to keep these fields developing.

根据老师的范文，重写了全文：

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
I agree that scientists should focus their research on areas that likely to benefit the greatest number of people if they work in engineering fields such as computer science and medical domains
However, when it comes to natural science, researches that cannot be applied immediately should be encouraged too
The goal of engineering is to make human lives better, so the welfare of most people is the first considerations of scientists who work in engineering areas
For instance, in the domain of medicine, the first and foremost concern of scientists is to save as many people’s lives as possible so they tend to conquer diseases that may affect a large number of people rather than few people
Especially when epidemics break out
What’s more, in engineering areas such as computer science, researchers should also focus on projects that can benefit as many people as possible because the generations of these areas are driven by the demands of people
Taking computer science as an example, it is initially created to fulfill the demand of people to communicate remotely
Although during the last decades, this area has achieved many groundbreaking accomplishments, all these accomplishments are focused on benefit as many people as possible
For instance, we can now buy nearly everything through Internet and communicating with friends all over the world without leaving our homes
The cutting-edge researches such as understanding images and languages in computer science still focuses on its original goal to make most human lives better
However, when it comes to fields concerning natural sciences such as physics, the primary driven is curiosities rather than benefitting as many people as possible
On one hand, the outcomes of researches in these areas are usually unpredictable and applications in reality may be not be possible until decades’ experiments are conducted
On the other hand, the initial driven of these subjects is to satisfy our curiosities about nature
For instance, most people don’t understand the Relativity Theory and their lives are not affected much by this theory too
However, the research of Relativity Theory is important to human history for that it offers us more profound understandings about the world we live in
In conclusion, whether researchers should focus on areas that likely to benefit the greatest number of people depends on the areas they work
In engineering areas, the primary goal is to benefit as many people as possible while in natural science curiosities are the first and foremost factors to be taken into considerations

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月23日  快速issue练习 34
34) In any situation, progress requires discussion among people who have contrasting points of view.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

计时：15分钟
补充例子：10分钟
总共25分钟

I agree that progress requires discussion among people who hold different points of view in areas such as academic. However, when it comes to areas such as politics and business, discussion among people with different opinions may give rise to harm rather than progress.
In areas such as academics, the ultimate goal of discussion between people holding different view of points is to exchange their thoughts and make their theories more robust.
-在学术界，不同的思想交流可以使人们keep open mind
-通过与他人的碰撞，自己的思路也更加清晰
-交流甚至可能带来新理论的产生

这一段的分论点挺好 但是为什么和别人讨论就能使自己思路清晰呢  我觉得这段还没有必要的干货 也没有例子 我担心你写的时候会有困难  



However, when it comes to areas such as politics and business, different opinions from the two sides may actually bring harm for that the ultimate goal of this discussion to reach agreements.
-在政治领域，各方的领域更为重要，双方会为了各自的利益不退让
-这种交流可能伤害双方的友谊，引起undesirable的后果，比如战争。
-举例海湾战争(Gulf War), although the secretary of the United State James Baker had a meeting with Iraq’s minister to settle their bifurcation, no agreement has been achieved because neither side was willing to compromise, thus the Gulf War broke out and cause millions of deaths.

这段的逻辑有问题 这个例子并不能说明讨论是战争的原因
其实外交谈判解决争端的确比战争要进步啊

What’s more, in business area, discussions between people who have different points of view may take a long time so they may end up hindering the cooperation from capturing the market.
-商业的重要特点是要把握时机，尽早的占领市场。然而讨论却可能使公司措施良机，所以更需要leader尽快做出决策。


这段也没有例子 没有干货  如果不同观点的人能求同存异合作不是更好么  




我觉得你从这几个角度来讨论挺好 建议你改为完全同意  指出在外交和商界都需要这种讨论 需要想新的例子  



根据老师的建议写了全文，最后还是选择的分领域讨论，因为感觉business领域还是说不讨论的好，显得考虑比较全面。

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
I agree that progress requires discussion among people who hold different points of view in areas such as academic and politics.
However, when it comes to areas such as business, discussion among people with different opinions may give rise to harm rather than progress.
In areas such as academics, the ultimate goal of discussion between people holding different view of points is to exchange their thoughts and make their theories more robust.
On one hand, the process of explaining our theories to others is also a process of self-checking.
For instance, programers often find their programs don’t output the expected result, it may take hours for him or her to find the wrong code alone.
However, one effective way is to discuss the code with another programmer.
By explaining the code line by line, bugs are much more easy and possible to be found.
On the other hand, the thought of one person can be partial or incomplete.
When we create something, we may be too proud of ourselves to see the drawbacks of our theories.
But others can be disinterested so drawbacks are much more easy to be found by them.
What’s more, in areas such as politics, discussion is a prerequisite to make progress in resolving disputations and avoiding chaos both internationally and domestically.
Nations have numerous disputations such as territory sovereignties, nuclear weapons and state security.
Discussion is a much more efficient and safe way to settle all these disputations.
For instance, the return of Hong Kong was achieved through peaceful discussions between China and England, not only did this discussion avoid armed conflicts but also promoted the development of bilateral relations between China and England.
Furthermore, discussion plays an import role in modern democratic systems too.
Parties holding different opinions can exchange their thoughts through discussion and make appropriate concessions to reach a final agreement.
In this way, both dictates and chaos can be avoided can progress can be made.
However, in business area, discussions between people who have different points of view may take a long time so they may end up hindering the cooperation from capturing the market.
It is important for corporations to capture the market as soon as possible.
Nevertheless, discussions between managers holding different point of views can last for a long time so these discussions may give rise to failure rather than success to the company.
Thus, in areas such as business, it is important for the leader to make quick decisions alone.
In conclusion, whether progress requires discussion among people who hold different points of view depends on the areas to be considered.
In areas such as politics and academics, discussions can give rise to progress by exchanging thoughts with people who have different views.
However, in areas such as business, discussions may do more harm than good.

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月24日 argument快速写作

35) The following appeared in a letter from the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex to its manager.
One month ago, all the showerheads in the first three buildings of the Sunnyside Towers complex were modified to restrict maximum water flow to one-third of what it used to be. Although actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not yet available, the change will obviously result in a considerable savings for Sunnyside Corporation, since the corporation must pay for water each month. Except for a few complaints about low water pressure, no problems with showers have been reported since the adjustment. I predict that modifying showerheads to restrict water flow throughout all twelve buildings in the Sunnyside Towers complex will increase our profits even more dramatically.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.

请介绍一下花了多少时间以及写作过程中遇到的困难或体会


According to the manager, Sunnyside Corporation should modify all shower heads of their building in Sunnyside Towers complex to increase their profits. In order to evaluate the prediction, we need to answer questions about how much water was used before and after the adjustment, how the residents react to this adjustment and how many it will cost to modify all the showerheads.

First and foremost, we need to know exactly how much water was used before and after the adjustment.
-水量虽然变小了，但是有可能租户洗澡的时间延长了，最终消耗的水量是一样的。  
除了时间延长 也可以说转为盆浴了  


Secondly, attitudes of the tenants have be to checked in order to examine the prediction.
-水量减少后，有可能引起租户的不满，使得他们搬走或者不再续约。


Last but not least, we don’t know how much it cost to modify all the showerheads in all twelve buildings.
-有可能改装的费用超过了节省的水费
-有可能改装后花洒质量不好，在开始盈利前，花洒就坏了，需要维修的费用。



几个切入点都不错 尤其是回应了profit的概念 你写之前或之后有看我的范文么
可以抽时间计时写全文



计时写了全文：25min

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
According to the manager, Sunnyside Corporation should modify all showerheads of their building in Sunnyside Towers complex to increase their profits.
In order to evaluate the prediction, we need to answer questions about how much water was used before and after the adjustment, how the residents react to this adjustment and how many it will cost to modify all the showerheads.
First and foremost, we need to know exactly how much water was used before and after the adjustment.
It is possible that people take longer time to shower or even change shower into bath because the water flow has been restricted to one-third of what it used to be.
In this case, the total amount of water a tenant uses to shower may be equal to what he or she needed before the modification.
So exact number of the readings of water usage will be needed to decide whether these modifications can reduce the amount of water used.
Secondly, attitudes of the tenants have be to checked in order to examine the prediction.
We already know from the letter that people indeed have a few complaints about low water pressure.
They might feel annoyed by the low water pressure and long time it takes to shower so they will choose to move to other apartments rather than Sunnyside Towers to get more comfortable services.
If the modifications indeed dissatisfies a large number of tenants, it is unlikely that the corporation will increase their profits.
Last but not least, we don't know how much it costs to modify all the showerheads in the twelve buildings.
It is obvious that skilled workers are to be hired to get the showerheads modified.
It is possible that the cost of modifications are higher than the money saved from restricting water flow.
One may argue that modifications are needed only once so that it will eventually bring profits.
However, the showerheads may break down and cost money to be fixed before actual profits can be made from them.
In conclusion, questions about how much water was used before and after the adjustment, how the residents' attitudes towards this adjustment and how much it will cost to modify all the showerheads need to be answered before we can decide whether the corporation should modify all the showerheads in its twelve buildings.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sunshineatnoon 发表于 2015-6-22 20:19
6月22日 快速写作联系 issue59

计时：主旨句15分钟（超时了T T）

可否编辑一下 将正文每格变为多行

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-25 08:44
可否编辑一下 将正文每格变为多行

是做成表格吗？

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月25日 issue快速练习
57) The main benefit of the study of history is to dispel the illusion that people living now are significantly different from people who lived in earlier times.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
计时：主旨句10min
        例子5min
        共15min
难点：这道题好像一个claim＋reason，我不知道是不是要两个都反驳才行，总觉如果反驳后面说人们的生活和古代的生活差别很大就和benefit没有关系了。

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
The statement above claims that the main benefit of studying history is to prove that we have no significant difference from our ancestors.	简述statement		have no significant difference from our ancestors表达
However, I don’t agree with the this statement.	不同意
From both material and spiritual point of view, our lives have changed significantly from people in earlier times.			compared to people ...
What’s more, the main benefit of studying history is to learn from history stories so we can avoid making same mistakes from our ancestors.			history stories 选词搭配
First and foremost, from material view of point, we have made huge progress in making our lives easier and more convenient.	物质层面，技术进步
-交通的进步 -信息技术的进步 -现代人的生活更加安全和舒适		你如何从外部的物质条件的进步演绎出人本身的差异呢  我觉得仅仅强调科技、生活是不足以否定原命题的
What’s more, from cultural and spiritual view, our lives have been significantly different from lives of people who lived in earlier times.	文化层面
-人们废除了很多迷信：日食 -女性得到更大的自由和权利		问题同上 我们需要讨论人的内在的东西 要强调的不是生活而是身份
Last but not least, the main benefit of studying history is to learn from history rather than dispel the illusion of people.	否定history的main benefit是dispel	这里learn from history略嫌抽象 以一段的篇幅 最好具体一些才好展开讨论
-历史具有借鉴意义，而不是dispel的作用 -我们可以从过去的典籍中学习古人的思想精华：《孙子兵法》

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

sunshineatnoon 发表于 2015-6-25 14:36
6月25日 issue快速练习
57) The main benefit of the study of history is to dispel the illusion that p ...

你好~我来谈谈我对你issue57提纲的看法哈

你的第一段中的观点是不同意题目中的陈述，那么你的观点就是：你认为现在的人和过去的人是不同的。
你的第一个论点是：因为现在人们精神生活和物质生活有很大提升，因此现在的人和过去的人是不同的。这个论点挺好的。
你的第二个论点是：历史具有借鉴意义。那么我有问题了：既然现在的人和过去的人不同，那如何借鉴呢？因为现在的人和过去的人不同，那么一个政策应用在过去的人们身上有效，但应用在现在人的身上不一定有效。我觉得你的第二个论点跟你的立论是相悖的。

有点评不当的地方，多多包涵哈，新手上路……


谢谢~

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

dingchenchen 发表于 2015-6-25 18:41
你好~我来谈谈我对你issue57提纲的看法哈

你的第一段中的观点是不同意题目中的陈述，那么你的观点就是 ...

谢谢，第二点确实很中肯呀，我稍后会根据老师和你的建议重写全文的

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

30分钟

30) Teachers' salaries should be based on their students' academic performance.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

Education plays an important role in students' lives. In order to improve performance of teachers, the statement above claims that teachers' salaries should be based on their students' academic performance. However, I strongly disagree with this claim for that this claim may force teachers focus only on examinations and ignore other important aspects of education. What's more, it is also unfair to teachers since students' academic performance are affected by many factors are out of teachers' control.

First and foremost, the initial goal of education is to teach students practical skills to deal with problems in real world rather than exams. Nevertheless, if teachers' salaries are based on their students' academic performance, it is likely that teachers will only pay attention to teach students skills to take exams and ignore the initial goal of education. For instance, students in China learn English to prepare for the college entrance examinations. However, because this examinations don't require students to take oral tests. Most English teachers in China don't train their students' to speak English, instead, they only train them to read and write in English. As a result, it is not uncommon to see a student who has been learning English for ten years even can't communicate fluently with native English speakers.

Secondly, measuring teachers' work only base on their students' academic performance may make teachers ignore other important aspects of education. An important goal of education is to train students to be responsible and helpful citizens. To achieve this goal, students are supposed to spend part of their time to carry out social practice. Taking volunteers for example, being volunteers can help students realize their responsibilities to society and teach them to offer their help to those in need. However, if teachers only pay attentions to students' academic performance because their work are measured by this performance, it is likely that students will lose their opportunities to take social practice. As a result, they may become highly educated but selfish individuals who would do more harm than good to our societies.

Last but not least, students' academic performance is determined by many factors that are out of teachers' control. For instance, two important factors that can affect a student's academic performance is the education level of his/her parents and his/her own hard works. So it is unfair to measure teachers' work only base on the academic performance of their students. It is possible that although a teacher makes great effort but still can't improve his/her students' performance due to reasons out of his/her control.

In conclusion, we should not measure teachers' work base only on the academic performance of their students because it may harm both students and teachers rather than benefit them.(452 words)