sunshineatnoon的六月作文练习帖

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

issue或argument题号：issue62
练习日期：6月3日
相关习作句子或段落：
“The times produce their heroes.” As an old saying remarked. Granted, lots of leaders were produced to fulfill the demands of their times. Feminist movements, civil rights movements or even wars have created numerous great leaders. However, the qualities inside these leaders are of equal importance. Wisdom, efforts and creativity are all indispensable characteristics of successful leaders.
老师点评
从主旨句来看 你的思路基本还是先肯定 然后再否定 这种套路会导致自相矛盾的观点
如果你说A很重要 B也很重要 那么对于原命题你的立场到底是什么呢  
因此我建议这类题要分情况讨论 可以防止自相矛盾的情况
自己的思考和总结：（这里主要讨论为什么会出现这个问题）
这是我第一次写issue，还没有掌握“分类讨论”的精髓。如果遇到不好分类的情况，应该采取“一边倒”的策略，即同意或者不同意。重写后采取“不同意”的观点：Throughout history, although demands provide a stage to exhibit their talents, it is the similar inner qualities such as wisdom, courage and firm determination to fulfill specific demands that make them leaders.

issue或argument题号：argument14
练习日期:6月4日
相关习作句子或段落：
First and foremost, the generalizability of this survey assumed这个后置用得有些风险 may not be valid 搭配 . The survey was conducted among 300 advertising executives. However, executives may have to sacrifice their sleep hours to deal with more complicated tasks. Thus the argument may be weaken if it assumes that the situation of executives is similar to other staff even in the same firm. Furthermore, even if it is practical to take equal consideration among people at different positions, there is no proof showing that the 6-hour measurement also applies to other industries such as IT or finance.
老师点评：
it is not reasonable to assume 这个说法大错  题目不是要你判断assumption对不对而是要你指出有哪些assumption 以及如果不对会对argument造成什么影响
自己的思考和总结：（这里主要讨论为什么会出现这个问题）
题目的要求是“examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument”，而我却变成了评价argument对错。所以在这样的题目要求下，主要是要写明白题目潜在的假设，然后分析这个假设如果不成立对题目的结论所造成的影响。那么就不能出现“unreasonable”这种评判argument的词，因为题目并没有提及要求评判argument。
我所犯的类似的错误还在arugument78中出现：
Secondly, it is inaccurate to decide that return to Buzzoff will cost less since there is no detailed information about the price charged by these two companies.
这里有出现了“inaccurate”这种负面的评判词。

issue或argument题号issue33
练习日期6月11日
相关习作句子或段落
Furthermore, more knowledge helps human beings have more comprehensible understandings towards ourselves.
老师点评
主题题目是things
我们人自己不是things

很遗憾这个点不切题

或许可以改成 human behaviours 应该算things？

而且你这里并不是针对ordinary people 没有准确回应主旨句
自己的思考和总结：（这里主要讨论为什么会出现这个问题）
这道题我采用了分普通人和科学家的策略分类讨论，这个主题句主要是讨论知识使得普通人更加了解自己。如老师所指出的，人不是things，所以这里换成human behaviors比较好。另外就是没有回应自己的提出的ordinary people，所以在分类讨论的时候，每一段的主旨句都要回应自己在分类时提取的类别。

issue或argument题号：argument15
练习日期：6月16日
相关习作句子或段落：
According to manager of Happy Pancake House, 98% of their customers
either do not distinguish butter from margarine or use the term ‘butter’
to refer to either butter or margarine because they didn’t complain about
serving them margarine when they actually asked for butter
老师点评：
注意审题  98%并不适用后一个点
自己的思考和总结：（这里主要讨论为什么会出现这个问题）
在重述题目的结论时没有准确的重述，题目只说了98%的are happy，而后面do not complain的顾客数目没有明确说明，我却默认为98%了。这是重述题目结论时候出现的问题。
这个问题我还在argument84中犯过：
According to the editor, the number of amphibians in Xanadu National Park
has declined significantly due to the introduction of trout into the park's waters
老师的评语：
包括species的数量减少
注意忠实于题目的本意

issue或argument题号：issue122
练习日期：6月18日
相关习作句子或段落：
Some people may argue that the character of people who stand out of
their peers and become heroes must be appreciated by most people in that society
老师点评：
这个观点和题目的主题有些脱节 题目关注的社会的特征
你却再说people appreciate
自己的思考和总结：（这里主要讨论为什么会出现这个问题）
没有回应题目的主旨。
改正后为：Some people may argue that the character of people who stand out of
their peers and become heroes must have characters that can represent the society or are appreciated by the society.

issue或argument题号：issue59
练习日期：6月22日
相关习作句子或段落：
I agree that scientists should focus their research on areas that likely to benefit the greatest number of people if they are reaching in new fields. However, when it comes to fields that are already well developed, researches which seem unfruitful need to be encouraged too so that possible progress can be made in the future.
老师点评：
reaching in new fields 意思模糊  我觉得你的主旨句写得很失败  
完全没有清晰的分类  主旨句的意思模糊是非常严重的问题 这就意味着读者没法往下看你的文章了   
自己的思考和总结：（这里主要讨论为什么会出现这个问题）
感觉自己还是没有训练到快速写出思路的程度，这道题就是实在不知道怎么写，所以这两天在把每一个issue的思路都写一遍。
根据老师的范文改正后：
I agree that scientists should focus their research on areas that likely to benefit the greatest number of people if they work in engineering fields such as computer science and medical domains.However, when it comes to natural science, researches that cannot be applied immediately should be encouraged too.

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

6月29日 issue78
78.People's attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by society as a whole.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

Superficially, people’s attitudes are determined by their immediate situation or surroundings, however, in my opinion, the strong effects of society as a whole are more powerful in shaping people’s attitudes. First and foremost, we are born to a society with specific cultures. Secondly, the public education we accepted when we were young also plays an important role in shaping our attitudes. Last but not least,  the ubiquitous media nowadays has significant influence on our attitudes shaping too.
第一句还是有断句的问题 其实换一个分号就好了
注意题目比较的是社会和周围环境  如果你提出其他的影响如culture public education和media 必须强调是社会通过这些mediator来影响人的行为 脱离了社会来讲其他的影响就会有偏题的风险  
后面的主题句也是这样 必须在措辞上强调是社会通过其他的agent来影响人的行为 后两个都可以  
今天刚总结了回应题目的关键词 你竟然有写了一个经典的反面教材出来 真应该好好反省一下  
不过只要你解决这个问题 这篇应该还不错

另外我不太看好你讲culture  因为社会本来就是一个很抽象的概念 我们引入其他概念的目的就是为了更具体的讨论 你却挖另一个大坑给自己跳


In the first place, culture is an important social factor in shaping a person’s attitudes.
-文化决定人们对特定事情的观点。比如中国的文化提倡piety, children are supposed to support their parents both emotionally and financially when their parents are old so people’s attitudes towards children who send their parents to old people’s house are negative, even despicable.

What’s more, our attitudes are also determined by society through the public education we accept when we are young.
-Education plays an important role in shaping one’s attitudes.人们接受的教育教导小盆友要遵守moral rules，比如在给需要帮助的人伸出援手。那么当一个人需要帮助，而有人冷漠的拒绝的时候，他／她虽然没有触犯法律，也完全有权利走开，但是人们会对他产生鄙夷的态度。相反，当一个人无私的贡献自己的力量帮助了其他人，人们则会产生adoration and appreciation，这就是heroism的基础。

At last, society also shapes our attitudes through ubiquitous mass media.
-如今，随处可见的媒体用它强大的力量影响着人们的思想。
-比如，the overspreading advertisements make people judge their own value as well as others materially rather than spiritually. Whether a person is successful in mordern society is determined largely on how much money he/she makes or how powerful he/she is.
-广告还使得人们相信他们还没有得到的东西可以给他们带来更美好的生活。因此，很多人对待luxuries的态度是irrational的，他们错误的认为这些东西会给他们的生活带来翻天覆地的变化，从而忽略了对自己内心的重视。

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

issue题号：
i33
时间：
6月11日
原句：
For instance, the development of astronomy has brought us a brand new world of outer space, however, instead of answering our questions about the universe, it actually brings more questions.
老师点评：
however前后断句
这里的知识是什么？
修改：
For instance, the development of astronomy has brought us knowledge about outer space. However, instead of answering our questions about the universe, it actually brings more questions.
总结：
感觉自己经常有however前后断句的问题，以后要在转折的地方断开。

issue题号：
65
时间：
6月15日
原句：
Laws are important to a society's stability, the prerequisite of implementing laws are the obedience of people those laws enforced on
老师点评：
断句
修改：
Laws are important to a society's stability. The precondition of implementing laws is the obedience of people on whom those laws are enforced.
总结：
谢谢老师帮我修改这个句子！这里是两个独立的句子，但是被我写到一起去了。自己没有理解逗号的含义，逗号两端的句子在逻辑上应该是有联系的。所以逻辑上独立的两个句子应该断开。自己在写的时候没有特别注意标点符号。

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

ARGUMENT 78
6月9日
原文：
According to the memo of the vice president, the food company’s warehouse in Palm City, which contracted with Fly-Away has over $20000 worth of food damaged due to pest last month.Meanwhile, their warehouse in Wintervale which used Buzzoff for pest control service has only $10000 worth of food damaged by pest. So, the food distribution company should return to Buzzoff for their pest control services.
老师点评：
我觉得你开头三句话太啰嗦了 考场上把时间花在写这些上面是很不划算的  要尝试一句话将结论和论据概括出来  
修改：
According to the memo, food distribution company should return to Buzzoff for their pest control services since their warehouse in Palm City which contracted with Fly-Away has less worth of food damaged than their warehouse in Wintervale which used Buzzoff.
总结：概括argument的观点应该简洁明了。

ARGUMENT 15
6月16日
原文：
However, alternative reasons may account for why they didn’t complain. It is possible that these customers are not used to complaining or the period of time during which these complaints are collected is not long enough.
老师点评：
我怎么只看到两个
修改：
It is possible that these customers are not used to complaining or the period of time during which these complaints are collected is not long enough. What's more, the the data of customers' complains about margarine may be unreliable.
总结：
1+3不是1+2

老师的1+3模型很好用呀，如果严格可以按照开头+3段+结尾的模式，字数绝对是够得。主要难点就是怎么展开这三段，还是要多写提纲才能有开阔的思路。

HonigUID: 3837722

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