Sherry的GRE写作练习贴（寄托ID：ytfteggw）

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

7.23 argument  62 121 122 124

Argument 62

The following appeared in a memo from the director of a large group of hospitals.

"In a laboratory study of liquid antibacterial hand soaps, a concentrated solution of UltraClean produced a 40 percent greater reduction in the bacteria population than did the liquid hand soaps currently used in our hospitals. During a subsequent test of UltraClean at our hospital in Workby, that hospital reported significantly fewer cases of patient infection than did any of the other hospitals in our group. Therefore, to prevent serious patient infections, we should supply UltraClean at all hand-washing stations throughout our hospital system.”

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

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感想：
计时 37分钟，这个速度还是不行，下周可以一两天模仿老师，然后一两篇自己想限时写。看一下连想带写要多少时间。
先自己列提纲，再去看老师的范文，再参考一下其他同学如何探索其他的可能性。
我觉得“探索可能性”也要尽量有递进的感觉。

建议你把计时练习和列提纲打腹稿区分开来  后者可以不限时  

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In the memo, the director recommended supplying UltraClean at all hand-washing stations throughout their hospital system with the belief that it can reduce the number of patient infection cases. To fully evaluate the argument, we need to reexamine the assumption made in the argument about the lab results and why Workby had fewer cases of patient infection and the link between hand-washing and infection.

注意serious infection
about 后面跟why 搭配有问题
hand washing- washing hand  

To begin with, it is assumed that the UltraClean would outperform other hand soaps when used in hospitals. The mere fact that a concentrated solution of UltraClean did a better job in reducing bacteria population in a lab study is insufficient to ensure that UltraClean would do the same trick in hospitals. Maybe the concentrated solution of UltraClean have more active ingredient that would kill bacteria, while when applied to make a hand-washing product, the solution have to be diluted.  Besides, the lab conditions are totally different from hospital environment. For example, hospitals are exposed to bacteria with people going around whearas the lab conditions are strictly controlled. Therefore, it would be hard to reduce bacteria in hospitals compared with labs.  If such is the case, it would be imprudent to claim that UltraClean would be better in bacteria reduction.


第二点有点牵强  或许洗手 和 实验的条件之间的区别 可以讨论一下
段落最后要讨论如果这个假设不成立的话 对于论证本身的影响  Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

Another assumption made in the argument is that it is because of the use of UltraClean that Workby have fewer infection cases. However, there are many other factors that have an influence on the patient infection cases. For instance, there could be fewer people who are susceptive to infection that Workby hospital admitted during the subsequent test. Or the Workby hospital might have more awareness of preventing patient from infection and they required their patient to frequently wash their hands. It is also possible that the sanitary conditions in Workby hospital are much better than any hospital in the group. If it turns out that the Workby hospital had fewer infection cases due to factors other than UltraClean, supplying UltraClean at all hand-washing stations may not lead to the desirable results.

it is because of the use of UltraClean that Workby have fewer infection cases.句子结构 其实可以写简单一点吧  
the Workby hospital might have more awareness 搭配
they required their patient 指代不明


In addition, it is assumed that the patient infection cases are mainly caused by bacteria in hands,断句 therefore by reducing the hand bacteria, the patient infection cases would decrease. However, there is no guarantee that this is the case. Patients could get infection through many different ways, for example, more visitors, careless nurses etc. Even assuming that the bacteria in hands are to blame for patient infection, it doesn't not follow that UltraClean would kill the bacteria that cause infections. One possibility is that there are such a kind of infection-causing bacteria that can't be washed away in our hands even with the help of UltraClean. In this case, the recommendation would not work out.

注意断句
看到最后也没找到serious 这个词  


In conclusion, more efforts should be made to investigate the lab results, the conditions in Workby hospital and the relationship between hand-washing and patient infection before we can decide whether or not the use of UltraClean would reduce the patient infection cases in hospitals.

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修改后：

In the memo, the director recommended supplying UltraClean at all hand-washing stations throughout their hospital system with the belief that it can reduce the number of serious patient infection cases. To fully evaluate the argument, we need to reexamine the assumption made in the argument about the lab results and the reason why Workby had fewer cases of  patient infection and the link between washing hands and infection.

To begin with, it is assumed that the UltraClean would outperform other hand soaps when used in hospitals. The mere fact that a concentrated solution of UltraClean did a better job in reducing bacteria population in a lab study is insufficient to ensure that UltraClean would do the same trick in hospitals. Maybe the concentrated solution of UltraClean have more active ingredient that would kill bacteria, while when applied to make a hand-washing product, the solution have to be diluted. There is no garantee that  the diluted UltraClean solution would be also more effective in reducing bacteria. Then, it would be imprudent to claim that ,by using UltraClean, the number of serious patient infection cases would decrease.

Another assumption made in the argument is that Workby have fewer infection cases due to the use of UltraClean. However, there are many other factors that have an influence on the patient infection cases. For instance, there could be fewer people who are susceptive to infection that Workby hospital admitted during the subsequent test. Or the Workby hospital might be more awareness of preventing patient from infection and nurses in the hospital required their patients to frequently wash their hands. It is also possible that the sanitary conditions in Workby hospital are much better than any hospital in the group. If it turns out that the Workby hospital had fewer infection cases because of  factors other than UltraClean, supplying UltraClean at all hand-washing stations may not lead to the desirable results.

  
In addition, it is assumed that serious patient infection cases are mainly caused by bacteria in hands;therefore by reducing the hand bacteria, serious patient infection cases would decrease. However, there is no guarantee that this is the case. Patients could get infection through many different ways, for example, more visitors, careless nurses etc. Since the argument is foucus on serious patient infection, we need to learn more about the causes of serious infections. Even assuming that the bacteria in hands are to blame for serious patient infection, it doesn't not follow that UltraClean would kill the bacteria that cause serious infection. One possibility is that there are such a kind of serious-infection-causing bacteria that can't be washed away in our hands even with the help of UltraClean. In this case, the recommendation would not work out.


In conclusion, more efforts should be made to investigate the lab results, the conditions in Workby hospital and the relationship between hand-washing and patient infection before we can decide whether or not the use of UltraClean would reduce the patient infection cases in hospitals.

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

7.27 issue 100

100) Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

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写太长了，写了40分钟，我感觉自己不好控制长度和速度。
我一直都有点害怕作文，觉得自己写的时候，脑子里很乱，逻辑没有办法很流畅的表达出来。

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It is not uncommon today that students in higher education study in a foreign country for one semester by attending exchange programs. Some people argue that students should be required to spend at least one semester studying abroad. However, I believe that this policy fails to take into account some issues concerning financing, the students' ability to live abroad and the academic advance in different countries; thus the policy would lead to some undesirable results.
academic advance 不懂你的意思
请看题目要求 In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.
因此你的主题句应该是


The first problems surfacing is financing-that is,who is going to pay for these exchange programs. The tuition-free programs provided by schools are rather limited. Therefore, if the schools require all the students to attend exchange programs, there would be some students who have to pay tuition fee.  In fact, tuition fee are increasing at a staggering rate, especially in America. In addition, the living expense in a foreign countries would also be a huge burden for students who are financially dependent. As a result, those poor student who did not get in tuition-free exchange programs or did not get a scholarship to cover the living expense would be unable to afford the self-financing exchange programs and have to drop out of the school.（老师这句话是否太长要不要改？） It is unfair for these students and the schools may lose a lots of smart but poor students.


The first problems surfacing is financing 不懂你的意思
请看题目要求 In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.
因此你的主题句应该是 Thefirst consequence of this policy is ...

The tuition-free programs provided by schools are rather limited.  这是个什么program  无头无尾从哪里冒出来的  前后连贯问题严重  
there would be some students who have to pay tuition fee. 感觉你的这个结论很奇怪  
the schools may lose a lots of smart but poor students. 为什么？  



Moreover, it would be a hard time for those students who are not able to live abroad independently when they are required to study abroad and they would hardly learn knowledge in the exchange program. To live in a different country requires students to adapt to the environment quickly and do everything by their own. They have to rent a house beforehand, do their laundry, cook for themselves etc. Without a good adaptability, students would be overwhelmed by these chores they have to manage alone. And if they cannot take good care of themselves, they would never have the mood and time to study; thus the exchange programs become meaningless.

Without a good adaptability, 不懂


Some people may claims that students will learn much more studying in a foreign country. They can communicate with foreign students and professors, and then new ideas will come up during the same time. However, the academic advance of different field vary indifferent countries. For example, a Chinese students majoring in Finance would definitely benefit from studying in America for a short time since the capital market in America is much more effective than China. In addition, almost all big-name professors in Finance are also in the US. Therefore, the Chinese students would get deeper understanding of market and learn a lot from famous professors. However, as for Chinese students who study Chinese, it would be a waste of time for them to study in another country  because the most well-known Chinese professors are in China and the Peking University have the best Chinese major all over the world.  In other words, students can learn only when they go to study in countries where the academic advance is better than their own country.

where the academic advance is better than their own country. 表达
这段的重点是讲某些学科的学生不适宜出国 那么前面讲适宜出国的学科就应该一笔带过  
而且你的主题句也应该回应题目
The policy is not reasonable because for some students studying certain majors the best professors can be found in their own country.  


In conclusion, schools should not require their students to study abroad for a few time because some students might be unable to afford the cost associated and some of them could not live independently. Besides, if the students already can get the best education of their field in their schools, it is of little value for them to study abroad.

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

ytfteggw 发表于 2015-7-28 10:40
7.27 issue 100

100) Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least o ...

你好~ issue 100， 浅评如下~

我觉得整体构思还好，学习了哈~不过有些词我觉得有些不妥，可能我的观点也不对，下面我说说我的观点哈，互相学习~

语句：
para 1
However, I believe that this policy fails to take into account some issues concerning financing, the students' ability to live abroad and the academic advance in different countries; thus the policy would lead to some undesirable results.
这里的issues应该换成什么词呢，总觉得不恰当，不知道是不是我的问题。我想可能facts要好一些吧。有待商榷哈

para 2
The first problems surfaces is financing, that is -who is going to pay for these exchange programs.
这里的surfaces我不太懂是什么意思，我觉得去掉这个词也没问题。。。是不是啊

As a result, those poor student who did not get in tuition-free exchange programs or did not get a scholarship to cover the living expense would be unable to afford the self-financing exchange programs and have to drop out of the school.
哈哈，好长的句子啊，不过觉得句子结构还好，没什么问题。看老师怎么评这句。
不过像这种句子我是不敢写，因为怕出错。

It is unfair for these students and the schools may lose a lots of smart but poor students.
我觉得这句要回应本段的主旨句，就是因为经济问题你不赞成学校让所有的学生都出国交换学习。

para 3
And if they cannot take good care of themselves, they would never have the mood and time to study; thus the exchange programs become meaningless.
这里的mood我感觉不太合适，我理解你的意思，但是太中文化了，换成energy可好？

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

7.28 argument 100

100) The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

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计时36分钟完成~~

In the application, it is argued that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a huge success due to the popularity of jazz in Monroe and the jazz fans' willingness to spend a fortune on jazz entertainment. In other to fully evaluate the argument, we need to reexamine the assumptions made in the argument concerning the popularity of jazz in the city , the wealthiness of jazz fans in the city and  the conditions of nearest jazz club.
wealthiness选词  不确定这个point能否成立
整段写的不错  


To begin with, it is assumed that jazz is quite popular in Monroe. By citing the fact that a lot of people attends Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, the author suggests that many people in Monroe love jazz. However, it is possible that he reason why many people attended the jazz festival is simply because they want to meet some famous stars. Besides, the mere fact that 'Jazz Nightly' is the highest-rated radio program is insufficient to ensure that people are crazy about jazz. We don't know about how many programs are rated and how many people rate these programs. If it turns out that only those jazz fan in the city rate these programs, and only few people take part in the rating, it is hard to say that a lot of citizens in Monroe like the jazz program. If it turns out that only a small fraction of people love jazz, then the jazz club in Monroe would have very few market.

the reason拼写
If it turns out that only those jazz fan in the city rate these programs 感觉这个其他可能性不靠谱  

have very few market- a small market 搭配

It is assumed that people would spend a lot on jazz entertainment based on the nationwide study. If Monroe people are much poorer than citizens of other cities in the country, they would be unable to afford the cost to patron the jazz club and would spend much less than 1000 dollar per year. Had the argument proof that the jazz fans are affluent in the city, we also need to know if they are willing to pay such a lot of money on jazz. If it is not such a case, then the jazz club may not be such profitable as the argument indicates.

patron  词性  the jazz club  
Had the argument proof （词性） that





Another assumption made in the argument is that when the jazz club opens in the Monroe, people would not go to the nearest club that already exists. However, there is no guarantee that such is the case. The nearest club may have opened for a long time and the jazz fans in Monroe might have a strong commitment to the club. Therefore, when the new club opens, the fans might go to the old club like before. Besides, the old club might have the ability to invite many big name jazz stars who would not patron the new club. Or perhaps the old club is much bigger and have more high-quality equipment. If the new club do not have a competitive edge over the old one, chances are that people would still go to the old club which are only one hour away.




Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe.
这句话你没有回应


In conclusion, more efforts should be made to investigate the popularity of the jazz in Monroe and the consumption ability of the people in the city. Also we need to know whether or not people would go to the new club rather than stick to the old one.

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

7.30 argument 30

34) The vice president of human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.
In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits.

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30分钟写完，后来花了一些时间再修改了一下。先自己列提纲，再参考老师的思路写的，argument 写的比较顺手了~~

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The president argued that the company can augment employees' productivity, nurture a better work ethic and thus increase profits by monitoring its employees' Internet use. In other to fully evaluate the argument, we need to reexamine a lots of assumptions made in the argument concerning the efficiency of the electronic monitoring, the effects of the monitoring and the profits could be get from the measure.

To begin with, it is assumed that electronic monitoring would be effective to monitor employees' Internet use. However, as we all know, people now can get access to the Internet anonymously with their smartphones or ipads, which could not be monitoring by electronic devices. If employees spend a lot of time playing their cellphones or other wireless devices, the company would never be able to tract the Internet use of their employees. Also, people in the company may spend a lot of time on chatting even without connecting to the Internet. Some technical employees even would come up some hacking software to block the monitoring device. In these cases, the electronic monitoring would not have the desirable results.

Another assumption made in the argument is that the electronic monitoring would necessarily increase employees' productivity. However, there are some bad impact the measure would have on the employees. For example, the monitoring may make the employees rather uncomfortable as their privacy is invaded. Thus, they would stop to trust the company because they feel they are not being trusted. Then the employees would have less commitment to their work and the productivity would suffer accordingly. If the employees are demoralized, the recommendation would do more harm than good to the company.

Finally, it is assumed that the benefits of the measure would outweigh its cost. Here we need to consider the costs, both explicit and hidden. For example, we need to learn about the expense of installing the whole set of electronic monitoring devices. Also, we should never forget that someone are needed to maintain the monitoring policy, which would increase the administrative overheads. In addition, the hidden cost also should be taken into account. For instance, as stated above, some employees' productivity would decrease because they are feeling offended. Perhaps some experienced workers would even leave the company and then the company have to recruit new ones and train them from the beginning, which are rather time-consuming and expensive. If the costs of the measure cannot be covered by the benefits generated, it would be unwise for the company to take the recommendation.

In conclusion, more efforts should be made to investigate whether the measure would be effective and whether it would boost employees’ productivity. Also we need to more about the costs associated with the policy before we can decide whether or not the policy would work out.