Sherry的GRE写作练习贴（寄托ID：ytfteggw）

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

7月5日开始参加2015年AW暑期同主题练习

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授权声明

本人为寄托ID：ytfteggw的持有人，现通过寄托论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本帖中本人的习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。


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英语学习背景

2015.5.23 GRE写作3

下次GRE考试时间：9.06

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ytfteggwUID: 3599229

目录
3楼     7.13  issue 15     已点评 已修改
5楼     7.14  argument 32     已点评 已修改
9楼     7.15  issue  13  未点评
10楼   7.16  argumetn 85 未点评
11楼   总结   语言表达问题——断句
12楼   总结   语言表达问题——句子结构和语法
13楼   总结   内容问题——主旨句和主题句不合适
14楼   总结   内容问题——中间段的展开与例子的解释
15楼   7.20  issue 91    已点评 修改中
16楼   7.23  argument 62  已点评 已修改
17楼   7.27  issue100   已点评 修改中
19楼   7.28  argument 100 已点评 修改中   
20楼   7.30  argument 34   未点评

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

Issue 15 Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

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感受：
1.should 类可以从可行性（隐含的假设）和有利性（产生的后果）来想
2.观点可以开门见山不要铺垫，我每次自己开头铺垫会纠结很久。
3.限时写作，超时了，大概37分钟写完，加上修改typo再读一遍文章估计就40分钟了。。。（老师，我感觉自己每次都写不完，我觉得结尾我一般都来不及写，如果缺少结尾会不会有影响？）
4.发现有比较多的typo（10个左右）
5.感觉英文写作写不好很多时候是中文写作也不行，感觉用中文论证都有点困难。

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I strongly disagree that educational institutions are supposed to encourage students to major in those fields that seem to be more likely to lead them to lucrative jobs, because there is no such a  field that will guarantee a promising future and those students who choose majors that they are not interested in might find themselves unhappy even with a lot of money. While schools may have more successful alumni, in terms of money they made, it doesn't mean that they would donate more to the schools.

你的主旨句好长 虽然语法没问题但是我不鼓励写这么长的句子 读得很累  所以还是断句的问题

It is ridiculous to say that if one chooses a specific major, a lucrative careers will ensue. There are many factors that contribute to one's success, for example, a booming economy that generates great employment opportunities, a network of useful friends that could help people to get  important job interviews,  a resourceful mind that impresses others, even a little luck. Although the average salary of students graduating from Finance department is higher than students studying for History or Statistics, it doesn't mean that every finance student would be a success. They need to work hard and equip themselves with abilities that employers value a lot. And students with potentials will shine eventually no matter what major they are in.

同样的 第二句偏长  包含的信息太多  尤其是到最后讲luck的时候
最后两句 They need to work hard and equip themselves with abilities that employers value a lot. And students with potentials will shine eventually no matter what major they are in. 和前面的观点结合不够紧密  
尤其是最后一句基本离题了  


Another reason why the suggestion is not going to work is that students who are not interested in their seemingly promising field would have no incentive to learn.  They would not study hard and their academic performance suffer accordingly. Then, without good GPA, they may not live up to what the job market expected. Even if they do a good job in their field, they would be unhappy about their careers since it is not what they want to do. This would definitely compromises their job satisfaction.

主题句有点问题 你得先说这个建议会导致学生对专业没有兴趣 不要跳到没有兴趣的后果上去了  
后面的论述还不错


Some people might argue that by encouraging students to study for majors such as Finance or Computer Science , which are believed to be more lucrative field these days, schools could expected to have more affluent alumni. And with the increasing donation these alumni give, schools can buy more cutting-edge equipment and upgrade the facilities on campus to attract more excellent students. However, there is a gap in the argument that there is no guarantee those alumni would donate more. Chances are high that those who end up with careers they do not enjoy might not give a penny to the school who encourage them to choose the field at the beginning.

could expect
however这句里出现两个there is 这样写不太好


In conclusion, while school might see more wealthy alumni if they encourage students to choose fields with promising jobs, but there is no guarantee that students would definitely end up with a fortune as many other factors are also important to lead to their success and those who study for what they interest in would be more likely to have  satisfying careers.

while从句里套if 从句不太好

感觉总的来说你的语言表达还不错 也能按照范文思路来写
但是句子太长是个大问题 虽然你的语法并不错 但是句子写得太长始终不好

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修改后：
I strongly disagree that educational institutions are supposed to encourage students to major in those fields that seem to be more likely to lead them to lucrative jobs. First, there is no such a  field that will guarantee a promising future; moreover, those students who choose majors that they are not interested in might find themselves unhappy even with a lot of money. While schools may have more successful alumni, in terms of money they made, it doesn't mean that they would donate more to the schools.


It is ridiculous to say that if one chooses a specific major, a lucrative career will ensue. There are many factors that contribute to one's success, for example, a booming economy that generates great employment opportunities, a network of useful friends ,  a resourceful mind and a little luck. Although the average salary of students graduating from Finance department is higher than students studying  History or Statistics, it doesn't mean that every finance student would be a success. To get a well-paid job every graduate needs to work hard and equip themselves with abilities that employers value a lot. In other words, the notion that just by getting a degree in some specific field one would have a lucrative careers in the future is nothing but illusion.

Another reason why the suggestion is not going to work is that some students may end up learning something that they don't like. Without  interests and passion in their seemingly promising field, students may have no incentive to learn.  They would not study hard and their academic performance suffer accordingly. Then, without good GPA, they may not live up to what the job market expected. Even if they do a good job in their field, they would be unhappy about their careers since it is not what they want to do. This would definitely compromise their job satisfaction and obstructs their long-term success .

Some people might argue that by encouraging students to choose majors such as Finance or Computer Science , which are believed to be more lucrative field these days, schools could expect to have more affluent alumni. And with the increasing donation these alumni give, schools can buy more cutting-edge equipment and upgrade the facilities on campus to attract more excellent students. However, the gap in the argument is that there is no guarantee those alumni would donate more. Chances are high that those who end up with careers they do not enjoy might not give a penny to the school which encourage them to choose the field in the beginning.


In conclusion, while schools might see more wealthy alumni with this policy,  there is no guarantee that students would definitely end up with a fortune, because many other factors also play a great role to one's success and those studying for what they interest in would be more likely to have satisfying careers.

ILOVECHEMISTRYUID: 2969217

ytfteggw 发表于 2015-7-13 20:53
Issue 15 Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study ...

我给你批改了一下，请见 https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... xtra=#pid1779666206  4楼

(1)        红色标出来的是用词错误，有单复数错误，有搭配错误。
(2)        下划线的部分有问题，需要修改。比如“a lucrative careers (career) will ensue”可以这样说“It is ridiculous to say that if one chooses a specific major, hence ensuing a lucrative career” 或者“thus indicating a lucrative career for sure”; 再比如 “They would not study hard and their academic performance suffer accordingly” suffer一词，我个人感觉好像主语都是人，或者是拟人化的很具象的。“their academic performance suffer accordingly”这句很僵硬，应该改成“and suffer from poor academic performance accordingly”
(3)        跟着王老师的思路，继续加油！多琢磨自己的表达和用词！多看看其他人的习作。

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

7.14 argument 32
32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

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感受：
太久没写argument有点生疏。。。超时了，将近40分钟
今天感觉列提纲的时候思路有些混乱。。待我明天静下心再想想。

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In the memo, the vice president of Quiot Manufacturing recommended that the company should reduce its three work shifts by one hour in order to decrease the on-the-job accidents with the belief that it could help workers to get more sleep. To fully evaluate the argument, we need to examine those assumptions the argument made about the reason why this firm had more accidents, the true reason underlying these accidents and the link between fatigue and shifts.

three-hour work shifts
assumptions the argument made 搭配 - assumptions made in the argument



To begin with, the argument assumes that it is because of the longer shift that Quiot Manufacturing had experienced 30 percent more accidents than Panoply Industries plant. However, there are many other factors that would result in more work injuries. For example, maybe Quiot just have 30 percent more workers, even the two firms have the same rate of accidents per capital. Or, perhaps the two company are producing different kinds of products that their work conditions are not comparable. Unless the argument can show that this two firm are doing the same business and have a similar work size, it would be unwise to say Panoply is the safer one and the shorter shift hour should be toasted.

the argument assumes  - 搭配
experience accidenct 搭配
accident和injury不能等同
per capital- per capita  
maybe Quiot just have 30 percent more workers 这句话没写清楚
that their work conditions are not comparable句子结构
toasted-选词


Another unstated assumption the argument makes is that accidents in Quiot are caused because of tired workers. The mere fact that some experts claimed that fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers are a significant factor in many accidents is insufficient to justify that accident in Quiot also result from this. It is highly possible that the safety precautions are not enough in this firm that when emergency comes, there are no measures to stop those accidents. Or maybe the workers in the company are careless and do not pay attention to safety notices. It is also likely that the equipment in the company are so old that the possibilities of injuries are rising. In these cases, the number of accidents would not decrease with a shorten shifts because the real problem of accidents are not addressed.

justify that accident 选词
likely that只是可能
possibilities of injuries are rising选词
shorten shifts -shortened




Even if the accidents in Quiot are due to the fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers, it doesn't means the length of shifts is the underlying cause. One possibility is that the workers have certain lifestyle that result in sleep deprivation. For instance, they may stay up very late to watch TV or play video games, or they like to hang out with friends and drink a lot during the night.  If this is true, then it is probably that the workers would use the one hour to have fun rather than get some rest, and the recommendation would get the expected results.

it is probably that-probable
would (not) get

语言表达问题很严重
写文章的时候不要自己生造搭配和句子  


Despite of the good intention of the recommendation, we need to learn more about why Quiot has more accidents, the causes of these accidents and the relationship between shift hour and the sleep of workers to decide whether the suggestion would or would not work out.

---

修改后

In the memo, the vice president of Quiot Manufacturing recommended shortening the company's three work shifts in order to decrease the on-the-job accidents with the belief that it could help workers to get more sleep. To fully evaluate the argument, we need to reexamine those assumptions made in the argument about why this firm had more accidents, the true reason underlying these accidents and the link between fatigue and shifts.

To begin with, it is assumed that the longer shift is the main reason why Quiot Manufacturing had  30 percent more accidents than Panoply Industries plant. However, there might be other reasons why more accidents occured in Quiot. For example, there could be much more workers working in Quiot that even when the two firms have the same rate of accidents per capita, Quiot would have more accidents; thus the fact that more accidents happened in Quiot is     insufficient to justify that Panoply is a safer work place compared with Quiot. Or the two company might be producing different kinds of products;thus their work conditions are not comparable. Unless the argument can show that this two firm are doing the same business and have a similar workforce size, it would be unwise to say Panoply is the safer one and the shorter shift hour would be helpful.

Another unstated assumption made in the argument is that  by helping workers get more sleep, the firm could necessarily reduce  the on-the-job accidents. There could be many other factors that caused those accidents. For instance, the safety precautions might be not enough in this firm and when emergency comes, there are no measures to stop those accidents. Or maybe the workers in the company are careless and do not pay attention to safety protocols. It is also possible that the equipment in the company need upgrading to improve the safty of  workplace and reduce accidents. If the accidents are caused by factors other than sleep deprivation and fatigue of workers, then adopting the recommendation would not lead to the desirable objectives.

Even assumed that  the accidents in Quiot are caused by fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers, the proposal might not work because the fatigue may be caused by other factors other than longer shifts.One possibility is that the workers prefer certain kind of  lifestyle that could  results in sleep deprivation. For instance, they may stay up very late to watch TV or play video games.Or they might like to hang out with friends and drink a lot during the mid-night.  If this is true, then it is probable that the workers would use the one hour to have fun rather than get some rest, and the recommendation would not get the expected results.

Despite of the good intention of the recommendation, we need to learn more about why Quiot has more accidents, the causes of these accidents and the relationship between shift hour and the sleep of workers to decide whether the suggestion would or would not work out.

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

ILOVECHEMISTRY 发表于 2015-7-14 20:13
我给你批改了一下，请见 https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1860330&page=1&extra=#pid1 ...

谢谢~~~

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

ILOVECHEMISTRY 发表于 2015-7-14 20:13
我给你批改了一下，请见 https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... e=1&extra=#pid1 ...

同学，非常感谢你帮我指出了好多我怎么检查也老是会忽略的错误，:p前两天有事没有时间改，今天好好地把文章改了一下~
关于suffer 和ensue 两个词的用法，我之前凭感觉写的，看到你的提醒我认真查了下字典，感觉我的用法应该没有错，你可以参考一下。
suffer主语可以是物，ensue一般加ing一般放在名词前面。这个vocabulary.com的网站很好用，旁边有一些最近的著名报刊里的例句~~一起学习:handshake

You can suffer from the pain of a broken leg, but you can also suffer from shyness, regret, poverty, or any number of unpleasant things. You can even describe something that becomes worse using the word suffer, like when someone's grades suffer during soccer season.                              -http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/suffer

A happening that is due to happen will ensue, "Throwing a glass of ice water in his face guaranteed that a chase would ensue." Often what follows is a response to words or actions, so what will ensue is what will happen as a consequence. A struggle might ensue if a thief grabs a purse, and a discussion might ensue if two sides disagree.
                                                                                                                    -http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/ensue

ILOVECHEMISTRYUID: 2969217

ytfteggw 发表于 2015-7-17 15:52
同学，非常感谢你帮我指出了好多我怎么检查也老是会忽略的错误，前两天有事没有时间改，今天好好地把 ...

Got it! Enjoy the meaning of "suffer" all together! Move on!

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

7.15  issue 13

还是超时了。。。40分钟
这次明显感觉到表达的问题，因为感觉一直在说几个词，同义转述有点困难，得多看看别人写的是怎么同义转述的。

I strongly agree that students should be required to take a wide range of courses outside their field, as it would enable students to study more efficiently in their own major and help cultivate well-rounded citizens for society. While some courses seems to be useless for students' careers at the first glance, they actually helps a lot in an invisible way.

To begin with, courses outside their sphere help students to get a better understanding of their own major and think creatively because they afford students perspectives and methods in other disciplines. For example, by taking math courses, finance majors would have a better command of the complex mathematic models in their text books. By using the programming skills they acquire from computer science courses, they could come up with rather accurate models to anticipate the trend of interest rate and exchange rate, which are of significant importance in finance field. With the perspectives and methods in other discipline, students can learn much more efficiently and creatively.

Taking courses outside one's field would equip students with knowledge needed to become well-rounded persons. University is not all about vocational education, but to cultivate well-rounded citizens with the ability to make informed decisions. To obtain this objective, university should require students to take courses in different field to get the necessary knowledge to make wise decision. For example, humanity students need to take courses in science and engineering to better understand how the technology have changed people's lives, On the other hand, students majoring in natural science should learn more about politics and laws to know how the government works and make rational votes. By requiring students to take courses outside their field, it will enlarge their outlook and become well-rounded citizens.

Some people may argue that some courses seems to be useless in helping students in their future careers. For example, a history students may struggle to get an A for a calculus course and find himself never use the knowledge learned in that course, since there is no need for him to do differential or integral in daily life. However, these course do change people in an invisible way. A calculus course could help train students to think logically and solve problems step-by-step; thus make them do better in their future careers. Besides, it is rather short-sighted to believe that students should only take courses that could have instant good effects. One would never know when these seemingly useless courses could make a difference in the future.

In conclusion, by requiring students to take courses outside their field, students can do a better job in their own major and become well-rounded persons. And these seemingly useless courses are actually help them in their future careers in an invisible way.

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

7.16 argument 85

85) In a study of the reading habits of Waymarsh citizens conducted by the University of Waymarsh, most respondents said that they preferred literary classics as reading material. However, a second study conducted by the same researchers found that the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries in Waymarsh was the mystery novel. Therefore, it can be concluded that the respondents in the first study had misrepresented their reading habits.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

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计时写作，35分钟


It's argued that the respondents of the first study conducted by University of Waymarsh must have lied about their reading habits since the second study suggested that the Waymarsh citizens prefer to borrow mystery novels from library rather than literary classics. We need a lot of additional information about the record of the public libraries, the validity of first study and the reading habits of the Waymarsh citizens to fully evaluate the argument.

The first piece of evidence we need to assess the argument is the record of public libraries in Waymarsh. For example, there could be not so many literacy classics books available in those public libraries while they have a plenty stock of mystery novels. If this is the case, it would be no surprise that citizens didn't borrow more literacy but turn to mystery novels instead.  And the time scope of the second study need to be reexamined because either a too long or rather short time scope would make the study results highly suspect. Had the argument provides the evidence that the time scope was properly chosen ,like the recent two years or so, there is still a problem when we only focus on the check-out frequency of books to decide what kind of books people prefer. Perhaps the citizens want to keep literacy books for a long time; thus making those books less frequently checked-out. If it is true, then it would definitely weak the argument.

Another piece of evidence that would help evaluate the argument is the validity of the first study. For example, we need to know where the samples of the first study were randomly chosen and represented a diverse cross section of the population in Waymarsh. If the study was conducted in a universities or a high school where the respondents were mostly young people, then the elderly in Waymarsh would be underrepresented, rendering the study unconvincing. Moreover, we need to learn more about the questionnaire of the study to see if the mystery novels were one of the options provided. If it turn out that the mystery novels option were not in questionnaire at all, it would be unfair to say that those respondents was lying.

In addition, we need to learn more about the reading habits of the Waymarsh citizens. The reason why people didn't borrow literacy books from public libraries could be that they prefer to buy literacy books from bookstores. It is much more convenient when we want to write down something if the books are our own because we are not allowed to take notes on library books. Besides, a large amount of literary classics have become part of public domain that people could just download e-copies of these books freely on line and read them on their kindles or ipads. In these cases, it is imprudent to draw the conclusion that people prefer reading mystery novels.

In conclusion, to decide where the respondent in the first study were not telling the truth about their favorite book genre, more efforts should be made to investigate the record of public libraries, the first study and the reading habits of the Waymarsh citizens.

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

第一周总结—— 语言表达总结
断句

日期	题号	原句	点评	修改	总结
7.1	issue 15	I strongly  disagree that educational institutions are supposed to encourage students to  major in those fields that seem to be more likely to lead them to lucrative  jobs, because there is no such a  field that will guarantee a  promising future and those students who choose majors that they are not  interested in might find themselves unhappy even with a lot of money.	主旨句好长，读的好累	I strongly  disagree that educational institutions are supposed to encourage students to  major in those fields that seem to be more likely to lead them to lucrative  jobs. First, there is no such a  field that will guarantee a  promising future; moreover, those students who choose majors that they are  not interested in might find themselves unhappy even with a lot of money.	利用分号来断句！
		There  are many factors that contribute to one's success, for example, a booming  economy that generates great employment opportunities, a network of useful  friends that could help people to get  important job  interviews,  a resourceful mind that impresses others, even a  little luck.	偏长，包含的信息太多，尤其是到最后讲luck的时候	There are many factors that contribute to  one's success, for example, a booming economy that generates great employment  opportunities, a network of useful friends ,  a resourceful mind  and a little luck.	信息太多了，要删减
		In  conclusion, while school might see more wealthy alumni if they encourage  students to choose fields with promising jobs, but there is no guarantee that  students would definitely end up with a fortune as many other factors are  also important to lead to their success and those who study for what they  interest in would be more likely to have  satisfying careers.	while从句里套if  从句不太好	In conclusion,  while schools might see more wealthy alumni with this  policy,  there is no guarantee that students would definitely end  up with a fortune, because many other factors also play a great role to one's  success and those studying for what they interest in would be more likely to  have satisfying careers.	注意以后不要while套if，复杂的从句套从句

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

第一周总结——语言表达

句子结构和语法

日期	题号	原句	点评	修改	总结
7.13	issue 15	However,  there is a gap in the argument that there is no guarantee those alumni would  donate more.	however这句里出现两个there  is 这样写不太好	However, the gap  in the argument is that there is no guarantee those alumni would donate more.	however这句里出现两个there  is 这样写不太好
7.14	argument 32	Or perhaps the two  company are producing different kinds of products that their work conditions  are not comparable.	结构问题	Or the two company  might be producing different kinds of products;thus their work conditions are  not comparable.	so that 目的；so… that 是结果；that  什么也不是。。。

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

第一周总结-——内容问题
主旨句和主题句不合适

日期	题号	原句	点评	修改	总结
7.13	issue 15	Another reason why the  suggestion is not going to work is that students who are not interested in  their seemingly promising field would have no incentive to learn.	主题句有点问题 你得先说这个建议会导致学生对专业没有兴趣  不要跳到没有兴趣的后果上去了	Another reason why the  suggestion is not going to work is that some students may end up learning  something that they don't like. Without  interests and passion in  their seemingly promising field, students may have no incentive to learn.	一步步推理逻辑要严密

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

第一周总结——内容问题
中间段的展开与例子的解释

日期	题号	原句	点评	修改	总结
7.13	issue 15	Although the average salary of  students graduating from Finance department is higher than students studying  for History or Statistics, it doesn't mean that every finance student would  be a success. They need to work hard and equip themselves with abilities that  employers value a lot. And students with potentials will shine eventually no  matter what major they are in.	最后两句和前面的观点结合不够紧密，尤其最后一句离题了	Although the average  salary of students graduating from Finance department is higher than students  studying  History or Statistics, it doesn't mean that every finance  student would be a success. To get a well-paid job every graduate needs to  work hard and equip themselves with abilities that employers value a lot. In  other words, the notion that just by getting a degree in some specific field  one would have a lucrative careers in the future is nothing but illusion.	要不断回应文章关键字，不要在论述后面加论点

ytfteggwUID: 3599229

7.20 issue 91
91) The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

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感受：句式变化不够多样，不大会使用过去分词，现在分词做状语的句型
时间还是超时，43分钟，感觉有些地方不大会表达会犹豫很久（开头段、主题句、主旨句，还是同义转述能力太差）

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In the last few decades, technological innovations have completely transformed the way we live and significantly increase people's efficiency. I agree that the primary goal of technological development is to augment people's efficiency. However, whether or not people enjoy more leisure time as a result of the technological inventions depends on what kind of role people play in our society.

语言表达挺好
however这句要更紧扣题目中的should


To begin with, for students and professors, although the advent of computer and the Internet have make people easier to learn, they actually not have more leisure time because there is more things they need to learn. With the digitization of literature, students and professors can have access to millions of papers and the google scholar enables them to search literature much more conveniently. And students can take classes in conventional classrooms as well as Internet-based platforms such as Coursera and Edx. There is no denying that these have significantly increase people's efficiency to acquire knowledge. However, it doesn't mean that students have more time to relax. In fact, it is not uncommon that students nowadays are pursuing second degree to make themselves more competitive. Professors have to read a large amount of literacy every day to keep pace with the development of their field. Therefore, they actually have less leisure time than before as they have to learn much more in order to not be left behind the world.

make people easier- make it easier for people to learn
they actually not have语法
literacy选词
这段有点长

As for white-collars and business men, similarly to students and professors, they neither enjoy more leisure time because the telecommunication tools have blurred the boundaries between work and leisure time. The invention of computer and the widespread use of the Internet have made it possible for people to work outside their workplace, and through the teleconference enabled by smartphones, people in different place can work as a team. These have greatly boosting people's efficiency. However, this actually threatens to eat the time people can spend with their family and make people work longer than before.

没有回应should 内容上有问题
similarly 词性
这段回应efficiency这个关键词也不充分 例子和效率并不十分相关


The only kind of people that can end up with more leisure time as a result of the technological advancement is the retired elderly people. Because they have no commitment to work, and the time saved by the technological development can be used to relax. For example, the elderly can easily purchase things through Amazon.com without spending lots of time to go to the market. And with vacuum, it make them easier to clean their house. They even don't have to do the laundry themselves thanks to the invention of washing machine. These labor-saving and labor-replacing machines enable them to have more time to do something else they want.

And with vacuum, it 介宾结构修饰it不合适 it指代不明
them指代不明  



In conclusion, only those who are retired and not tied to work can really enjoy more time to relax as a result of technology advancement while others actually use the time saved to learn more and work longer.