第一篇习作，求批改

whereeverUID: 3715572

不知道直接这样发帖合不合适，如果帖子发错了地方，还希望管理员大大引导一下我～这是我的第一篇托福习作，真的很希望能够得到大家的指点。谢谢各位！（如果有写作互改小组，求接受～）
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: The car (automobile) has had greater effect to society than the airplane has to .



Car relatively have greater effect to society due to the following reason.

Contrary to airplanes, car transportation costs less and is more accessible to most people. Thus, car transportation is much more widespread compared with airplane transportation. All walks of people, all kinds of industry in mordern society will have integrated  connection with car transportation, including transportation of industrial materials, food supplies, and disposal of wastes generated from daily life and production. Without cars busy shuttling on the roads, the whole city will be unable to operate. Airplane, though also plays an important role in the development of society, was not that essential as car. Due to its high cost, fixed time and limited routes, airplane is far less widespread than car. Only limited occasions will airplane be used to satisfy special needs. You can not imagine a day without cars but you can still survive for long without airplanes. Thus, the tremendous effect that car have on the society is not comparable by airplane.

Besides, with decades of developments, the car transportation is more extended to satisfy all kinds of needs of the society. It can not only transport passages and goods over long way, but also covers almost every corner of the world. Along with the development of container transportation, car transportation becomes more professional and specialized, which adds to the importance of car. It is much more accessible and can better satisfy the needs of the society. However, airplane transportation is still too expensive to ordinary people and will not be the first choice for them unless they have an emergency. Airplane, however, is still very inconvenient. The airlines are fixed and limited, you still have to book a ticket before long,  and any cancelling will lead to big loss of money. Big bulks are still unable or unefficient to be transported through airplane. The effect of airplane is thus, undoubtedly, limited.

whereeverUID: 3715572

顶一顶～看到寄托上关于互改小组的帖子已经很久了，请问大家知道怎么加入新的互改小组吗？

xmuyiyueyuanUID: 3461178

第一段过于简单了。一般是这样开头的：简单对agree和disagree的两个方面讨论一下，这里的讨论是大众的观点，也就是为什么会出现这样的不同。然后说出自己的观点——agree or disagree！
In modern society, both the automobile and the airplane provide great convenience for global citizens. In consideration of practicability and popularity, I pretend to hold to the view that the car has greater effect than the airplane. 仅供参考

xmuyiyueyuanUID: 3461178

后面挺混乱的，一眼看过去不太知道你要讲什么。而且你完全没有摆事实，举例子。所有的观点都是“论点“，没有论据。你是最近才接触的托福吗？
说得不对的地方你不要介意哦。感觉你还是有一点功底的，好好努力作文25分没太大问题。加油！

whereeverUID: 3715572

xmuyiyueyuan 发表于 2016-6-3 16:07
后面挺混乱的，一眼看过去不太知道你要讲什么。而且你完全没有摆事实，举例子。所有的观点都是“论点“，没 ...

谢谢你！我也觉得我后面的论证特别混乱，这确实是我现在的一个大短板！！