issue55 我的第一篇，大家看看

shuixiuUID: 168142

Issue 55 “Competition for high grades seriously limits the quality of learning at all leaves of education.”

In our educational system, most of the schools, from primary schools, middle schools, high schools, to college and universities, adopt the standard of different grades-As, Bs, Cs and Ds- to judge whether the student is excellent, good, normal or failed. Correspondingly, students have come to be used to the competition for high grades. They know it in early ages that there are only a small number of As in the class, and since the teachers or professors who give all As will be thought soft so they won’t give many As, students, know clearly they need competition for the limited As. No one doesn’t want As, to become an excellent; and no one wants Ds, to be a failed. The only way to win the competition with classmates is to get a high grade. We can understand the reason from another aspect: when you look for a job, the companies often pay much attention to your grades and select those “excellent” students with high grades.

Not only the grades should we need in education, but also we need a happy, healthy, strong, honest and warm-hearted man or woman as a member of our society in education. But unfortunately,
in order to win the competitions in the most effective way, students used to pay more attention on studying and go after the “right”, standard answers and accept them mechanically without thinking why not the opposite, making some what-if assumptions . As a result, students may not understand the knowledge well and miss the spark of creative thought; they spend too much time on studying and lose the chances to form the spirit of teamwork and cooperation.  What a pity! We can imagine when the drawing apple from the tree spotted Newton, will there be the great theory if he only leave the apple tree without thinking why it draws downward? Sometimes we adults, being restricted by our knowledge obtained from the education-the “right” knowledge-are lost in the riddle given by the children because of the loss of creative thought.  And more often, we pay our attention more on how to improve our grades, spending less time on sports, teamwork activities, and personal interests, such as collections. In this process we lose our real goal of education, limiting seriously the quality of learning.

Certainly we should not omit another aspect of this phenomenon that going after high grades does drive the students to study hard and absorb effectively what was taught. We need a fair and objective standard to judge how well the students study. Those students with As usually master what they learned better and have a spirit of working hard and carefully, and they may afford the pressure of competition in their future work in society. In the fields that don’t need creative thoughts, this is very useful. We need a good driver to guaranteeing the train’s safety, we need an excellent accountant without any mistakes in his or her work, and we need a doctor with carefulness to operate for patients.

There are some reasons for the grade system. But we should not being limited by it; if so, it will limit seriously the quality of learning. Our children, after education, should become a healthy, decent, and warmhearted men or women and find their happiness both materially and mentally.

shuixiuUID: 168142

7月28上海作文，麻烦大家多多指教，好紧张啊

acropolisUID: 159777

Issue 55 “Competition for high grades seriously limits the quality of learning at all leaves of education.”

In our educational system, most of the schools, from primary schools, middle schools, high schools, to college and universities, adopt the standard of different grades-As, Bs, Cs and Ds- to judge whether the student is excellent, good, normal or failed. Correspondingly, students have come to be used to the competition for high grades. They know it in early ages that there are only a small number of As in the class, and since the teachers or professors who give all As will be thought soft so they won’t give many As, students, know clearly they need competition for the limited As. No one doesn’t want As, to become an excellent; and no one wants Ds, to be a failed. The only way to win the competition with classmates is to get a high grade. We can understand the reason from another aspect: when you look for a job, the companies often pay much attention to your grades and select those “excellent” students with high grades.[color= #FF00FF] (这第一段你说明了你的观点么？题目是问分数是否limits the quality of learning at all leaves of education，而你却没明确说明你对这个问题是怎么认识的，而是用大量篇幅解释分数的含义和作用，不妥。Issue写作最好在开头阐明观点。）

Not only the grades should we need in education, but also we need a happy, healthy, strong, honest and warm-hearted man or woman as a member of our society in education.(这个not only…but also 用得太vague了，作为开头句意思不明朗) But unfortunately,
in order to win the competitions in the most effective way, students used to pay more attention on studying and go after the “right”, standard answers and accept them mechanically without thinking why not the opposite, making some what-if assumptions . As a result, students may not understand the knowledge well and miss the spark of creative thought; they spend too much time on studying and lose the chances to form the spirit of teamwork and cooperation. [color= #FF00FF]What a pity!太口语了，忌讳！ We can imagine when the drawing apple from the tree spotted Newton, will there be the great theory if he only leave the apple tree without thinking why it draws downward? Sometimes we adults, being restricted by our knowledge obtained from the education-the “right” knowledge-are lost in the riddle given by the children because of the loss of creative thought. And more often, we pay our attention more on how to improve our grades, spending less time on sports, teamwork activities, and personal interests, such as collections. In this process we lose our real goal of education, limiting seriously the quality of learning. [color= #FF00FF]用牛顿的例子，对“分数”的说服力比较弱，而且这一段跟上一段之间的关联不甚紧密。

Certainly we should not omit another aspect of this phenomenon that going after high grades does drive the students to study hard and absorb effectively what was taught. We need a fair and objective standard to judge how well the students study. Those students with As usually master what they learned better and have a spirit of working hard and carefully, and they may afford the pressure of competition in their future work in society. In the fields that don’t need creative thoughts, this is very useful. We need a good driver to guaranteeing the train’s safety, we need an excellent accountant without any mistakes in his or her work, and we need a doctor with carefulness to operate for patients.

There are some reasons for the grade system. But we should not being limited by it; if so, it will limit seriously the quality of learning. Our children, after education, should become a[color= #FF00FF] healthy, decent, and warmhearted men or women 用词重复and find their happiness both materially and mentally.

总体上提几个不成熟的意见，请楼主参考：
1．Issue写作方法，文章的大致结构，您应该关注一下，开头段应该说什么，应该采取怎样的策略进行分析，等等。
2．您文章里出现了大量 “but”,作为书面英语，表示转折的连接词有许多，您可以自己总结一下，或者在精华区里找找，通篇用but, too simple, too naïve.
3．表达方面，您的第三段最后几个句子太口语化了（当然还有其他一些地方的表达）。AW应该尽量避免这样口语化的表达。
4．正文段落方面，一篇好的AW ESSAY，正文每一段应该集中把观点的一个方面说透彻，且段落之间要有明晰的关联和逻辑，楼主可以多研究研究范文的段落结构和分析角度。

个人水平，时间有限，楼主多包涵。

acropolisUID: 159777

忘了跟楼主说了，偶第一篇好象也是写的这个topic~~~~~~缘分啊！

shuixiuUID: 168142

非常感谢acropolis的指点

真生UID: 161074

In our educational system, most of the schools, from primary schools, middle schools, high schools, to college and universities用from….to的句型，讲一头一尾就可以了, adopt the standard of different grades-As, Bs, Cs and Ds- to judge whether the student is excellent, good, normal or failed. Correspondingly, students have come to be used to the competition for high grades. They know it in early ages that there are only a small number of As in the class, and since the teachers or professors who always give all As will be thought soft so they won’t give many As, students thus know clearly they need competition去  have to  compete  for the limited As. No one doesn’t want As, to become an excellent; and no one wants Ds, to be a failed. The only way to win the competition with classmates is to get a high grade有问题，win 的结果是get a high grade, win 的方式是努力学习等等. We can understand the reason from another aspect: when you look for a job, the companies often pay much attention to your grades and select those “excellent” students with high grades.

Not only the grades should 慎用should，主观性太强，改do we need in education, but also we need a happy, healthy, strong, honest and warm-hearted man or woman as a member of our society in education. But unfortunately, in order to win the competitions in the most effective way, students used to pay more attention on studying and go after the “right”, standard answers and accept them mechanically without thinking why not the opposite, making some what-if assumptions. As a result, students may not understand the knowledge well and miss the spark我不知道可不可以用spark,但通常都用point，参考 of creative thought; they spend too much time on studying and lose the chances to form the spirit of teamwork and cooperation. What a pity! We can imagine when the drawing ？apple from the tree spotted Newton, will there be the great theory if he only leave the apple tree without thinking why it draws downward?时态用虚拟 Sometimes we adults, being restricted by our knowledge obtained from the education-the “right” knowledge-are lost in the riddle given by the children because of the loss of creative thought. And more often, we pay our attention more on how to improve our grades, spending less time on sports, teamwork activities, and personal interests, such as collections. In this process we lose our real goal of education, limiting seriously the quality of learning. 分析的不够深入，既然说到了lose real goal of education, 就应该明确指出教育的真正目标是什么，实际上我认为在这段开头就点出更好

Certainly we should not omit another aspect of this phenomenon that going after high grades does drive the students to study hard and absorb effectively what was taught. We need a fair and objective standard to judge how well the students study. Those students with As usually master what they learned better and have a spirit of working hard and carefully, and they may afford the pressure of competition in their future work in society. In the fields that don’t need creative thoughts, this is very useful. We need a good driver to guaranteeing the train’s safety, we need an excellent accountant without any mistakes in his or her work, and we need a doctor with carefulness to operate for patients. 这段让步的过了点，下面应再来两句，指出分数并非唯一，重新绕回主题，否则你的立场就不很明确

There are some reasons for the grade system. But we should not being limited by it; if so, it will limit seriously the quality of learning. Our children, after education, should become a healthy, decent, and warmhearted men or women 改citizen  and find their happiness both materially and mentally。

shuixiuUID: 168142

谢谢
教育的真正目标其实我是在第二段第一句就点出了，可能还是不够明显