issue30 高频科技机井：精彩互评讨论

flyxwUID: 106489

旷日持久的第二篇issue—科技类：科技的目标是让人得闲
又超时了，很无奈啊，大家给提点意见吧：
B1 承认科技提高效率
B2 但是人们越来越忙
B3 因此科技的目标应该是用来满足人们各方面的需要（觉得这个转折很牵强啊，但是也没折了:(）

------题目------
The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.
------正文------
Should the primary goal of technological development be assigned to increasing efficiency in the purpose of prolonging people’s leisure time? While I concede that the technology development increases people's efficiency, people become busier and busier as a result. And it is more like a function but not the primary goal of technology, which has further objective on higher level of human needs.

Commonly speaking, people's efficiency is indeed improved by high advanced technology. Take the evolution in traffic vehicles for example, from the invention of bicycle, to the application of other motor vehicles, including automobiles, planes and boats, and so forth, the rapid development in transport industry makes it possible to travel the world in much a short time. Another proper illustration involves the popularity of computer and internet technology. No people can deny its contribution on improving our work and lives efficiency. With their help, the job of boring literal copy become accurate and fast, communicating with each other becomes convenient and efficient, and the information in any corner of the world can quickly available to people all over the world. Someone would argue that it is the widely distributing internet web which merges us into the mire of overloaded information so that making us confused and low efficiency. However, to resolve this problem, "Web Searchers" is invested to enhance people's efficiency of finding useful information from the ocean of knowledge. In another word, application of technology has largely improved the efficiency of people's life.

However, the improved efficiency seems to fail to render people more leisure time, but make them busier and busier. An recently national statistics indicate that most families today have two breakwinners and the total work hours reach nearly 80 hours a week, contrasting to those of ten year ago which usually have only one breakwinner and about 40 total work hours per week. Why do people lose more leisure time despite of the increasing efficiency? A possible reason involves the popular theory of Maslow, which divides the needs of people into five levels, from the basic levels such as life and safety needs to the highest ones of esteem and self-achievement. According to Maslow's theory, people whoes basic life and safety needs have been satisfied by the developed technology, will continue to seek higher level of needs such as high quality of life, social status, dignity, and respect, and so forth, and thus become busier and busier but not freer and freer as a result.

As I mentioned above, technology is able to improve life efficiency but it does not necessarily lead to relaxing the people. For this reason, I assert that the technological advancement, which has the initiate purpose of well-being of humans, should regard the satisfaction of all levels of people's needs, not only the increase of efficiency as its primary goal. The successful launch of first manned spacecraft of China, for instance, stands for the brilliant landmark of the human spacial exploration, have received widely coverage and attention over the world. Thousands and hundreds top advanced technologies are used in the project, and no one would probably deny their function of satisfy human needs of self-achievement just because they have no contribution to increase the efficiency of human life. Admittedly, most technological development serves to promote people's efficiency, yet this is far away from its primary and finally goal of all of people's needs.
      
To conclude, technological advancement indeed brings us high efficient life, but it cannot render more leisure time to people. Therefore, what is primary goal of technology is, and must be, to satisfy people's all kinds of needs, not only the basic ones of life and safety, but also these on higher level.

CHERRYlbyUID: 170649

觉得B2 ,B3都有问题.尤其是B2的论证,leisure time spending 的问题，人们越来越忙是为了满足更多的需要，可是 leisure time itself 就是improving the quality of life 的表现吧．有点矛盾哦．
我觉得最好重新考虑一下本题的切入点．
加油．
只是很快的看了，先写这么多．也不一定对．
细评．
：）

我要飞UID: 171394

慢慢在来，对了你那篇我发你油箱了拉

lakeqianUID: 157560

参考needle的
http://211.151.90.54/bbs/showthr ... p;highlight=issue30

buggodUID: 164979

组队加我一个,快要考了啊

flyxwUID: 106489

to CHERRYlby
谢谢你的提醒，其实我原本是想用马斯洛的需要层次原理来解释以下B2提出的现象的呢，就是说科技满足了人的基本需要以后，人又会有更高层次的需要，象status等提到的，所以会越来越忙。可是后来在写的时候发觉人们更忙了很可能是由于想要赚更多的money，所以就又加了这个
high quality, 看来是应该重新再考虑一下。
to lakeqian:
needle是牛人啊，一会学习去
to falchion&glaive:
谢谢你的批改，看来大家都提到的文章组织的问题，这一篇存在的问题的确有点严峻，其实写完在检查的时候就觉得对should 和fact的论证有点模糊了，对第一段一直讲的是fact一直耿耿于怀，想进一步问问大家这样一大段用fact去写should题目是否可以？
另外，我的B2的安排主要是想承接B1所提到的问题，然后用B3提出科技的目标到底是什么（这个，居然用假设证明论点，falchion&glaive说的有理。。汗）大家觉得这样安排文章可以吗？还是必须一开始就提出科技的目标应该是什么？

我要飞UID: 171394

我孜孜不卷的改了2个小时哦。。。张柏芝一定要看完哦
B1 承认科技提高效率   B2 但是人们越来越忙
B3 {{因此}}科技的目标应该是用来满足人们各方面的需要（觉得这个转折很牵强啊，但是也没折了）
我觉得不牵强啊，但是要把你提纲里的{{因此}}去掉，应次，本没转折这一说！摆出正确认识
震它吓吓，但是B3没说好，例子更是奇怪，好想和你的提纲关系不大，这个例子不用比用好。其实把这个例子去掉，整个文章也不差啊；
B2的论证也有问题，例子只是说明了一个现象是存在的，那就是人们忙了，但是要说明为社么忙了，不证明的话，你的B1就不成为“让步”了，因为更有说服力的。我门说的例证，是用例子来证明和分析的（抽象体很多都是例证，随说是以偏盖全，但却只有如此，毕竟不是著书的篇幅），应次举了例子后要有分析why工作时间多了，或者直接指出是社么使得时间多了的（直接指出根源）；
至于哪个后来的理论，当然on the one hand想来证明忙的原因，on the other hand给后面隆重推出B3的正确认识来个伏笔。但是要想祈祷证明的作用，必须指出层次关系，就是说科技进步，人们继续忙的原因，和休闲，2个层次。先满足谁！
------题目------
The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.
------正文------
Should the primary goal of technological development be assigned[assigned分配, 指派？被谁？是不是想表达“被认为”？] to increasing efficiency in the purpose of prolonging people’s leisure time? While I concede that the technology development[technological development 或者 the development of technological] increases people's efficiency, people become busier and busier as a result]. And it[it 指代谁？这里真有奇异呢] is more like[likely] a function but not [more than的用法和not but的用法统一起来，只用一个，成对出现！]the primary goal of technology, which has further objective on [a]higher level of human needs.

Commonly speaking, people's efficiency[不知道是不是要加in all fields…不然感觉人们的效率好象：汉语+抽象] is indeed improved by high advanced technology[highly advanced 或者advanced high technology]. Take the evolution in traffic vehicles for example, from the invention of bicycle,[，cut掉] to the application of other motor vehicles, including automobiles, planes and boats, and so forth, the rapid development in transport industry makes it possible to travel the world in much a[a去掉] short time. Another proper illustration involves the popularity of computer and internet technology. No people can deny its[这里用its，下面又用their了] contribution on improving our work and lives efficiency. With their help, the job of boring[the boring job of…boring是adj] literal copy become accurate and fast, communicating with each other becomes convenient and efficient, and the information in any corner of the world can [be]quickly available to[从句子通顺的角度看好象改为from好点] people all over the world. Someone would argue that it is the widely distributing internet web which[强调句用which？that] merges[trap] us into the mire of overloaded information[information overload] so that making[makes] us confused and low efficiency[and前后结构不对，后面要改]. However, to resolve this problem, "Web Searchers"[search engineer] is invested[投资？？你是想说invented吧？] to enhance people's efficiency of finding useful information from the ocean of knowledge. In another word, application of technology has largely improved the efficiency of people's life.

However, the improved efficiency seems to fail to render people more leisure time[render people more leisure time有问题哦，后同], but make them busier and busier. [这个例子很好，但是是哪个national，我们认为是中国，可能改卷子的以为是米国哎~？不要骂我唐僧O~~]An recently national statistics indicate that most families today have two break[k改为d，后同]winners and the total work hours reach nearly 80 hours a week, contrasting to those of ten year ago which usually have only one breakwinner and about 40 total work hours per week. Why do people lose more leisure time despite of the increasing efficiency? A possible reason involves the popular theory of Maslow, which divides the needs of people into five levels, from the basic levels such as life and safety needs to the highest ones of esteem and self-achievement. According to Maslow's theory, people whose basic life and safety needs have been satisfied by the developed technology, will continue to seek higher level of needs such as high quality of life, social status, dignity, and respect, and so forth, and thus become busier and busier but not freer and freer as a result.

As I mentioned[过去？] above, technology is able to improve life efficiency but it does not necessarily lead to relaxing the people. For this reason, I assert that the technological advancement, which has the initiate purpose of well-being of humans, should regard the satisfaction of all levels of people's needs, not only the increase of efficiency as its primary[主要的？都满足了还有啥目标啊，其实可以直接说技术它就是。。。不用I] goal. [下面这段的例子莫名其妙的，不知道在支持那个viewpoint]The successful launch of first manned spacecraft of China, for instance, stands for the brilliant landmark of the human spacial exploration, have received widely coverage and attention over the world. Thousands and hundreds top advanced technologies are used in the project, and no one would probably deny their function of satisfy[ing] human needs of self-achievement just because they have no contribution to increase the efficiency of human life. Admittedly, most technological development serves to promote people's efficiency, yet this[this指代哪个？还真不好说清楚呵呵] is far away from its primary and finally[这里用了final了，看来上面我说不用“主要”说对了，就是final了吗，要不就只用primary，统一起来。坑定的是：逻辑上来看，不可能同时是“主要 的”也是“最后的”] goal of all of people's needs.

To conclude, technological advancement indeed brings us high efficient life, but it cannot render[？也许是可以用render的，讨论下可以这样render不] more leisure time to people. Therefore[这里去掉therefore，没有应为。。所以关系，而是the speaker就是错了，理志气长的说出后面提高ETS认知水平的话，：）], what is primary goal of technology is, and must be, to satisfy people's all kinds of needs, not only the basic ones of life and safety, but also these on higher level.

leechleeUID: 172958

总觉得b2中的Maslow的理论不是很能说明你想说的问题

我要飞UID: 171394

辛苦这么酒，没得到response啊

flyxwUID: 106489

BOWBOWBOW..:)
回成都请你吃饭好了，呵呵

六翼小宇UID: 162533

这道题有两个关键词
1 the primary goal 有什么标准？
2 leisure time.的定义是什么？
你好像没有提及啊

robincoolUID: 155477

Should the primary goal of technological development be assigned to increasing efficiency in the purpose of prolonging people’s leisure time? While I concede that the technology development increases people's efficiency, people become busier and busier as a result[我也觉得这个地方的as a result比较不合适，前面再有点论述，然后再as a result引出这句可能比较好]. And it is more like a function but not[不如用rather than 试试？] the primary goal of technology, which has further objective on higher level of human needs.[感觉不大舒服，可能是自己水平太低了]

Commonly speaking, people's efficiency is indeed improved by high advanced technology[个人比较喜欢将indeed放在后面，我也不知道是否好一些，请有高手的话指教一下]. Take the evolution in traffic vehicles for example, from the invention of bicycle, to the application of other motor vehicles, including automobiles, planes and boats, and so forth, the rapid development in transport industry makes it possible to travel the world in much a short time. Another proper illustration involves the popularity of computer and internet[I要大写的哦,作为专有名词，感觉上后面的tech.可以去掉，不过感觉上这句话前半部分我是没本事写出来的，嘿嘿] technology. No people can deny its contribution on improving our work and lives[又不太明白了,呵呵] efficiency. With their help, the job of boring literal copy become accurate and fast, communicating with each other[others吧？] becomes convenient and efficient, and the information in any corner [感觉上这个corner很棒]of the world can quickly available to people all over the world. Someone would argue that it is the widely distributing internet web which merges us into the mire of overloaded information so that making us confused and low efficiency. However, to resolve this problem, "Web Searchers" is invested to enhance people's efficiency of finding useful information from the ocean of knowledge. In another word, application of technology has largely improved the efficiency of people's life.

However, the improved efficiency seems to fail to render people more leisure time, but make them busier and busier. An recently national statistics indicate that most families today have two breakwinners and the total work hours reach nearly 80 hours a week, contrasting to those of ten year ago which usually have only one breakwinner and about 40 total work hours per week. Why do people lose more leisure time despite of the increasing efficiency? A possible reason involves the popular theory of Maslow, which divides the needs of people into five levels, from the basic levels such as life and safety needs to the highest ones of esteem and self-achievement. According to Maslow's theory, people whose basic life and safety needs have been satisfied by the developed technology, will continue to seek higher level of needs such as high quality of life, social status, dignity, and respect, and so forth[第二次出现so forth了，换换口味吧，我也是老喜欢用 so on，现在在你这儿学了个so forth，我以前一直不敢用，老觉得只能用在第四个上,现在也一直不敢用], and thus become busier and busier but not freer and freer as a result.[有点别扭]

As I mentioned above, technology is able to improve life efficiency but it does not necessarily lead to relaxing the people. For this reason, I assert that the technological advancement, which has the initiate purpose of well-being of humans, should regard the satisfaction of all levels of people's needs,[我能看出来的别人都改了，呵呵，别人改的我不一定能看出来，后面也是] not only the increase of efficiency as its primary goal. The successful launch of first manned spacecraft of China, for instance, stands for the brilliant landmark of the human special exploration, have received widely coverage and attention over the world. Thousands and hundreds top advanced technologies are used in the project, and no one would probably deny their function of satisfy human needs of self-achievement just because they have no contribution to increase the efficiency of human life. Admittedly, most technological development serves to promote people's efficiency, yet this is far away from its primary and finally goal of all of people's needs.

To conclude, technological advancement indeed brings us high efficient life, but it cannot render more leisure time to people. Therefore, what is primary goal of technology is, and must be, to satisfy people's all kinds of needs, not only the basic ones of life and safety, but also these on higher level[加个s怎么样].

大家有空也看看我的吧,相互支持一下啦

imongUID: 140258

开头部分 提出function rather than goal 比较有意思
但是我还是觉得thesis没写太清楚 尤其后面部分那个有关leisure time
increase efficiency是function but not goal
leisure time又是什么？