argument53 路过的砸啊，一定回改。你的意见对我来说很重要！

carrie_zhaoliUID: 159219

Argument53  第5篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：28分11秒     417 words 改后513
从2004年7月30日9时41分到2004年7月30日10时28分
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Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin—a hormone known to affect some brain functions—would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.
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in this argument, the author claims that increased levels of melatonin cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. The assumption is based on the research of 25 infants, besides, a phenomenon of infant born in autumn is given to lend more support to the statement, again a additional follow-up study server as a good reason. At first glance the proposal seems quite reasonable, however, further reflection reveal that it is based on some dubious assumption and overlooks other factors that might account for such phenomenon.

Firstly, the statement unfairly assumes that the tested infant are really shy. for one thing, the number of infants to do research is far from enough, 25 is so small and could not be used as a persuasive research, Compared to millions of infants in the world, the percent of infant showing shy is really limited. Unless given the number of research large enough we cannot believe those infant show shy. For another, Even the number of infant have no problems and do give persuasive information. The statement unfairly equal the result distress to shyness. Actually , mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli is different from real shy. Thus we would eager to know what shy is. When exposed to some stimuli lots of people will feel uncomfortable not only infant. Further more author do not exclude other phenomenon such as cry , cough, smile and so on. Maybe those phenomena are more obvious than distress.

Secondly, granted that the infants are real show shyness, the statement provide no scientific research evidence to demonstrate the relationship between the melatonin and shyness. The fact that born in autumn and more melatonin provided dose not automatically lead to the conclusion that melotonin is the one and only one reason lead to shyness. There, very likely, are other reasons causing shyness, and when to born is only accident. Are there any other possibility like atmosphere different, distict method of bearing. Even shyness have the relationship with autumn, there may be some other chemistry affect shyness. Dose it has something with infants’ father, thus do nothing with melatonin. Or melatonin is not the only chemistry affect the infant. Without sufficient scientific research we cannot safely come to conclusion.

Last but not the least, even granted that the melatonin dose cause the shyness of infants, again it is unfair to conclude from identifying by oneself to real shy in teenager. Although this is entirely possible, Those who described themselves is not real shyness, maybe because of modest. they do not want told others they are dare enough. Thus the description cannot be equal to real situation. Unless other people or some reasonable evidence show that these people is really shy, the conclusion is unfounded.

To sum up, the statement is poorly supported. To strengthen it the author must convince me—perhaps by way of a more reliable survey—that the tested infant show shyness. The authour must also provide better scientific evidence that it is melatonin cause shyness. Finally, to better assess the argument, I would need to know those teenagers are really shy not because modest.

poohUID: 146994

大体看了一下，几个关键的点都把握的不错，body段还可以。不足的是开头最后一句作为thesis，你写得不太明确，你只是作者建立在dubious assumption and overlooks other factors 却没有给出明确的结论，应该指出作者的结论是有问题。

pippo1983UID: 172110

抱歉，是在跳不出什么毛病
第二段可能的原因我认为可以加上13年时间对性格形成的作用

carrie_zhaoliUID: 159219

“dubious assumption and overlooks other factors 却没有给出明确的结论，应该指出作者的结论是有问题。”
恩。。都是被摸板害的。。。因为摸板里没有结论的错误，，，谢谢pooh
“第二段可能的原因我认为可以加上13年时间对性格形成的作用”
有道理！ 让个步然后再给出这个理由，，，好！ 谢谢pippo1983

pippo1983UID: 172110

拜托高人帮我改改吧，心里一点底都没有
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=218554

zwjackkyUID: 174621

Firstly, the statement unfairly assumes that the tested infant are really shy. for one thing, the number of infants to do research is far from enough, 25 is so small and could not be used as a persuasive research, Compared to millions of infants in the world, the percent of infant showing shy is really limited. (这句前面要么把SO改成TO,要么AND改成THAT IT，后半句感觉好像说这世上只有25个INFANT SHOW SHY)Unless given (不要 given 吧）the number of research large enough ，we cannot believe those infant （who exposed to unfamiliar stimuli)show shy. For another, [??]Even the number of infant have no problems and do give persuasive information. The statement unfairly equal the result (of) distress to shyness. Actually , mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli is different from real shy. Thus we would eager to know what shy is. When exposed to some stimuli lots of people will feel uncomfortable not only infant. Further more author do not exclude other phenomenon such as cry , cough, smile and so on. Maybe those phenomena are more obvious than distress.

Secondly, granted that the infants are real show shyness, the statement provide(s) no scientific research evidence to demonstrate the relationship between the melatonin and shyness. The fact that born in autumn and more melatonin provided dose not automatically lead to the conclusion that melotonin is the one and only one reason lead(s) to shyness. There, very likely, are other reasons causing shyness, and when to born is only accident. Are there any other possibility like atmosphere different, distict method of bearing. Even shyness have the relationship with autumn, there may be some other chemistry affect shyness. Dose it has something with infants’ father,(这个什么意思？） thus do nothing with melatonin. Or melatonin is not the only chemistry affect the infant. Without sufficient scientific research we cannot safely(confidently) come to conclusion.



To sum up, the statement is poorly supported. To strengthen it the author must convince me—perhaps by way of a more reliable survey—that the tested infant show shyness. The authour must also provide better scientific evidence that it is melatonin cause shyness. Finally, to better assess the argument, I would need to know those teenagers are really shy not because （不要BECAUSE)modest.

carrie_zhaoliUID: 159219

“Compared to millions of infants in the world, the percent of infant showing shy is really limited. (这句前面要么把SO改成TO,要么AND改成THAT IT，后半句感觉好像说这世上只有25个INFANT SHOW SHY”
不好意思，没看懂怎么改。。。。。。我的意思就想表达如果这世界上只有这25个婴儿shy ，结论就不足信了。。。。不可以哦？
“a time when their mothers' production of melatonin—a hormone known to affect some brain functions—would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. ”
Even shyness have the relationship with autumn, there may be some other chemistry affect shyness. Dose it has something with infants’ father,(这个什么意思？） thus do nothing with melatonin.  
对哦！这句跳了一个假设。。。改正：
even shyness have the relationship with autumn when their mother produce melatonin, melatonin may not the only chemisty affact infnants. there may be some other chemistry produced by their mother not only melatonin , or dose it has something with infants' father? thus do nothing, if little, with melatonin, for father may do not produce metalonin but other effact on infants.