ScoreItNow判定5分的一篇issue与5分的一篇argument 附详细Critique

ligerUID: 146514

一、ISSUE（所有错误均没有修改）
我自己认为这篇不可能拿到这么高分，不过电脑评分，可能有点程式化，大家仅做参考，不要炮轰我才是

我的请求：http://edu.gter.net/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=219608

Score: 5
Explanation of Score:
A 5 paper presents a generally thoughtful, well-developed analysis of the complexities of the issue and conveys meaning clearly.

A typical paper in this category

-- presents a well-considered position on the issue
-- develops the position with logically sound reasons and/or well-chosen examples
-- is focused and generally well organized, connecting ideas appropriately
-- expresses ideas clearly and well, using appropriate vocabulary and sentence variety
-- demonstrates facility with the conventions of standard written English but may have minor errors
Topic:
"It is unfortunate that today's educators place so much emphasis on finding out what students want to include in the curriculum and then giving it to them. It is the educators' duty to determine the curriculum and the students' duty to study what is presented to them."

Present your perspective on the issue below, using relevant reasons and/or examples to support your views.

Your Answer:
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[U] Nowadays, the competitons 【spelling】 between social members are becoming more and more fierce. To be survivors, people always turn back to schools and educators where they could be given resources and skills useful for their lives. Therefore 【Transitional words & phrases，此颜色下同】, it sounds reasonable that what students want is emphasis that educators should teach. Whether it is true or not, let us start the analysis from this point. [/U] Thesis Statement 自己认为不是哦

Main Ideas 下面三段首句
Supporting Ideas 下面三段除了首句外都被标了
"Customers are gods." The saying tells us that in such an【confused word】 profit-oriented society today, in one hand people consider going to school as a "shopping", buying what they want and even compare prices among different "shops"; in the other hand, the school administrators and educators 【possessive error】这个有问题，我后面单词打错了，可能是误判 trat 【spelling】 students as their distinguished customers who can give them money and support schools to exist and develop. 【long sentence】Therefore such relationship lying in the educating systems produces the titled phenomenon that today's educators set the curriculum according to the emphasis that students want. It is reasonable in a business deals and so is it when schools are raising students to be a 【wrong article】 professionals. Because in this situation, students learn pratical【spelling】 knowledge and skills that ensure their survival even success in the society such as skills of management and communication with others. But when concerning about educating person to be a complete man, I think that this teaching method is obviously inadequate.

A school is not only a place where people are educated to be competent for their future jobs, but also one where a wholesome character should be shaped and a completed set of knowledge should be prepared. In this case , only when full and complete knowledge 主谓不一 within a discipline are taught be teachers, a student will get real preparation to start his/her own life. A businessman cannot be a success only when he only learns management and financial theory. Basic art and science theories help him/her to gain sensitive intuition and insightful perspective. Therefore , the task of educators is not only to give what students want but aso【spelling】  delve into what benefits most to their students. Apparently in the field of education, no one can be more competent other than educators to do such a job. The purpose of a student to be educated is motivated in a short term, only educators could realize their responsibilities and think of education in a long run.

Fortunately , we have seen how this job is done well in the school. Normally, today's schools always require their students to both take mandatory courses, which includes basic mathematics and literature, and elective courses, which extends students' sights and develop their interests. It is a good start, and educator should keep working on it.

Conclusion：
To conclude, we should say that both what students want and what they need are essential in today's school system. Any overemphasis on either part of them will surely harm both students individually and the society as a whole.

【erater has not identified an introduction in your essay, Good writers use introduction to tell what the essay is about and to se their essays in motion】

Summary：
Number of words: 479
Number of sentences:22
Average number of words per sentence:21.8

Argument待续……

ligerUID: 146514

Score: 5
Explanation of Score:
A 5 paper presents a generally thoughtful, well-developed critique of the argument and conveys meaning clearly.

A typical paper in this category

-- clearly identifies important features of the argument and analyzes them in a generally perceptive way
-- develops ideas clearly, organizes them logically, and connects them with appropriate transitions
-- sensibly supports the main points of the critique
-- demonstrates control of language, including appropriate word choice and sentence variety
-- demonstrates facility with the conventions of standard written English but may have minor errors
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Topic:
The following is taken from a memo from the advertising director of the Silver Screen Movie Production Company. "According to a recent report from our marketing department, fewer people attended movies produced by Silver Screen during the past year than in any other year. And yet the percentage of generally favorable comments by movie reviewers about specific Silver Screen movies actually increased during this period. Clearly, the contents of these reviews are not reaching enough of our prospective viewers; so the problem lies not with the quality of our movies but with the public's lack of awareness that movies of good quality are available. Silver Screen should therefore spend more of its budget next year on reaching the public through advertising and less on producing new movies."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument.
Your Answer: 换种注解，昨天的issue太花了^_^

下划线Transitional words & phrases【连接词】
红颜色的有错误，加括号注明错误
其他erater识别写与相应位置
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【Introductory Material】：
In this argument, the arguer tries to recommend to launch a public advertising campaign instead of invest more money on producing new movies in order to increase the number of people who is willing to pay to watch Silver Screen movies. [U]However[/U] , as far as I concerned, the recommendation is vulnerable in several asperts 【spelling】 .

【Main Ideas】下面三段首句
【Supporting Ideas】下面三段除首句以外的句子
看来首句概括再展开的模式既安全也不失为一种好的结构

[U]Firstly[/U] , the arguer overestimates comments made by movie reviewers. [U]Although[/U]  there are numbers of favorable comments towards the Silver Screen movies, these comments are doubted to play roles in influencing the promising audiences. In our everyday life, as common audiences, we always suspect comments from public movie reviewers, doubting whether they are just representing the profit of movie producers. [U]Therefore[/U] , it is highly possible that the comments towards Silver Screen movies have negative efforts other than positive ones. Without delving into what the movie funs really think, we should not be persuaded to contend increasing the public advertising budget.

[U]Another logical fallacy [/U]  lying in the argument is that the arguer does not provide us with any detailed analysis why fewer people attended Silver Screen movies. [U]For one thing[/U] , as an 【confused word】   movie producer, the company should first exam the quality of movies they produced last year, which is usually the main reason why a movie was not so welcomed. The company could invite common people and some experts to watch the movie and offer their real and direct comment. Only such endeavor in the proper ways could relieve the real reason. For another, the company could also research the movie market as a whole. [U]If[/U]  the comsuption 【spelling】 in the whole market is comparably lower than the past period or the money that movie funs spend on movies of other company is much lower than the Silver Screen's, then Silver Screen's advertising 【spelling】compaign would forcused【spelling】  on other fields.

[U]Last but not least[/U] , the recommendation made by the arguer that spending less on new movie's production is qustionable 【spelling】 to have an【confused word】 positive effort which he expects. Less money on the production would possibly result on subsequent poor quality of new movies and accordingly stop more people from attending Silver Screen movies. [U]Hence[/U]  cutting new movies' budget is apparently not a wise choice.

【Conclusion】：
[U]To summarize[/U] , the critical flaws as addressed above undermine the concludsion 【spelling】 reached in the argument. To persuade us to follow the arguer's recommendation, the arguer should provide su 【spelling】 with more detailed research on quality of Silver Screen movies, along with more specific survey on the movie market as a whole.

【Repetition of words】：movies   这个都算，我也没办法！？

Summary：
Number of words: 412
Number of sentences:18
Average number of words per sentence:23.20

自评：感觉spelling多了不少，但是仍然可以拿5分，多在于自己的结构比较完整。注意有连接词，但是，erater说：
erater has not identified a thesis可能说明中心句没有写出，影响了分数更高发展。另外用词的重复也要注意，即使是题目中普通的名词

againUID: 175079

我来晚了，居然第一顶啊。liger广州阿，又有一个战友了。你什么时候考阿。我今天都没看书阿，又和同学聊了一晚上阿。我看到你都潜水很久了阿：）

谢谢分享阿。努力中

shuilanUID: 174302

accumulating confidence! :-)

maleUID: 175731

issue 文章写得有深度，值得学习，我对评分的事不是很清楚，不能给什么好意见了．

poohUID: 146994

谢谢分享，先研究一下

paisleyUID: 64183

谢谢分享！：）