issue20 lqqm第二篇请多指教

lqqmUID: 180532

Issue20
限时写了一篇，感觉挺滥的，第三段想不出例子了，就自己编了一个。第四段写的有点像argument 了
不知道跑题没有，请大家帮我看看论点论据的结构有什么问题，还可以从其他哪些方面来论证？
非常感谢！

------摘要------
作者：lqqm     共用时间：44分33秒     435 words

------题目------
National governments should devote more of their social programs and services to children than to adults.
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Children are the future of a society. When news is related with children it will become the focus of people’s attention. Somebody asserts that national governments should devote more of their social programs and services to children than adults. I do not agree with the opinion however. In my opinion, social programs and services devoted to adults should never be less than those for children.

Admittedly, immature both physically and mentally, children need more attention than adults because they are vulnerable to dangers and detrimental effects. Therefore, a society should set up a series of programs and services to guarantee a good environment for children’s growth. For example, it is the duty of national government to fund primary education in poor areas, offering more opportunities for children to receive fundamental education. However, it does not suggest that adults could be put into a less important place.

First of all, adults are the pillars of a society. They have to bear the pressure from both the job and the family. A worldwide psychological survey suggests that the increasing rate of unemployment and divorce results in the rise in number of suicide of adults. Furthermore, health problems of adults should never be ignored, especially in undeveloped country. Take China for example; experts from National Heath Center point out that the majority of Chinese adults above 40 years old have health problems to some extent. In addition, most parents can do their best to ensure a sound development of their children; however, when it comes to adults, social programs and services might be the only choice adults can appeal for.

Secondly, the well-being of adults is the prerequisite of the stabilization of a society because adults compose of most of the population. Even if one adult needs less service and attention than a child, it is not followed that the government could devote less social programs and services to adults. Considered in the whole society, obviously, what adults need are far more than those of children. Moreover, the investments on social programs and services for adults are also beneficial to children. Without the well-being of the adults in a family, it is impossible for the children to be well-educated, because social programs and services still cannot replace the function of parents to the children.

To sum up, although the well-being of children is crucial to the future of any society, adults are still the pillars of any family and the whole society. Furthermore, adults are under more pressure both physically and mentally. Therefore, national government should devote their social programs and service equally, if not more, to adults.

乒乓球爱上九月UID: 162925

First of all, adults are the pillars of a society. They have to bear the pressure from both the job and the family

这一段可以再多写一点啊。
这一段如果是要讲pressure，那么关于成年人是社会的pillars这个观点可以展开，至于关于社会稳定的论点到可以再往后面放，我是这样想的。

lqqmUID: 180532

非常感谢！

poohUID: 146994

Children are the future of a society. When news is related with children it will become the focus of people’s attention. Somebody asserts that national governments should devote more of their social programs and services to children than adults. I do not agree with the opinion however. In my opinion, social programs and services devoted to adults should never be less than those for children.

Admittedly, immature both physically and mentally, children need more attention than adults because they are vulnerable to dangers and detrimental effects. Therefore, a society should set up a series of programs and services to guarantee a good environment for children’s growth. For example, it is the duty of national government to fund primary education in poor areas, offering more opportunities for children to receive fundamental education. However, it does not suggest that adults could be put into a less important place.

下面两段的界定不是很清晰，内容上有交叉，
First of all, adults are the pillars of a society.这一句不适合作topic sentense，下一句才比较恰当的概括了本段意思。 They have to bear the pressure from both the job and the family.如果把这句当topic sentense又不完整，你只是说成人有很大的压力，那么这句跟thesis是什么关系呢？你应该说没有组成社会的主要群体身心不健康怎么会有一个健康的社会呢？这才是说到了点子上，当然你本段第一句似乎也有点这个意思，你所要做的就是把这两句合并到一起并且说的更明确些。 A worldwide psychological survey suggests that the increasing rate of unemployment and divorce results in the rise in number of suicide of adults. Furthermore, health problems of adults should never be ignored, especially in undeveloped country. Take China for example; experts from National Heath Center point out that the majority of Chinese adults above 40 years old have health problems to some extent. In addition, most parents can do their best to ensure a sound development of their children; however, when it comes to adults, social programs and services might be the only choice adults can appeal for.这个in addition后面的内容还可以展开，你可以说现在我们的社会对于成人的帮助和关注是不足的，有人流浪街头，有人看不起病，残疾人和很多少数群体的权利也得不到保障...

Secondly, the well-being of adults is the prerequisite of the stabilization of a society because adults compose of most of the population.topic sentense跟下面的内容似乎关系不密切，如果你以这句作topic sentense,那你下面就要讨论adult是怎样影响社会稳定的，如果成人的welfare得不到保障，将会出现什么样的恶果 Even if one adult needs less service and attention than a child, it is not followed that the government could devote less social programs and services to adults. Considered in the whole society, obviously, what adults need are far more than those of children. Moreover, the investments on social programs and services for adults are also beneficial to children. Without the well-being of the adults in a family, it is impossible for the children to be well-educated, because social programs and services still cannot replace the function of parents to the children. 这段思路混乱，只有最后一句扣紧了topic sentense,考虑修改一下

To sum up, although the well-being of children is crucial to the future of any society, adults are still the pillars of any family and the whole society. Furthermore, adults are under more pressure both physically and mentally. Therefore, national government should devote their social programs and service equally, if not more, to adults.

结尾和开头还不错，语言基础很好，就是body2,3在逻辑上还欠火候