Issue10 第3篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！

eustaciaUID：175283

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作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：42分17秒     465 words
从2004年11月10日14时41分到2004年11月10日15时42分
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Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive, because it is primarily in cities that a nation's cultural traditions are preserved and generated.
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    I concede it a wise choice for a government to give its major cities necessary financial support, however, this dose not because that a nation's cultural traditions are preserved and generated primarily in cities. In fact, I hold it otherwise.
    To begin with, why governments should ensure their major cities' financial support， if is dose not because of the nation's cultural traditions' preservation? Because only by investing in the nation's major cities can the government receive both immediate and long-lasting rewards. Take my own country--China as an illustration. Most prominent enterprise inside or outside of the country are located in China's major cities such as Shang Hai, Shen Zhen, Hong Kong, and so forth, accordingly, in order to securing lucrative jobs, a great number of suburb population injects into these cities every year, thus, a sufficient financial support means fundamental insurance for those enterprises’ survival and thrive--as well as those newly settled citizen's well being, all of which, in return, not just contribute to the nation's overall economical environment but also lifted the life standard of a great portion of the country's population.
    Secondly, almost all universities and research agencies are settled in major cities, too. These administrations are vital for the whole country's progress in science and technology--both are all crucial for the country's economy. No one would cast any doubt on the fact that the survival and thrive of a country's science and technology depend to economy, thus, to invest in those major cities of the country will certainly do good to its research work, which is significant for the country's long-lasting benefit.
    On the other hand, why major cities contribute little for a nation's cultural traditions' protection? Firstly, citizens who lives in the major cities of a country are always being described as busy, therefore there is no sufficient time for them to carry on the nation's cultural traditions. In China, for example, it is a long-lasting tradition to spend a relatively long time with the whole family to have meal together. However, in major cities, wives and husbands both have jobs, and children always started their education in an early age. Therefore, most families do not have enough time for meal preparing and enjoying, as traditionally did, instead, they prefer a more effective way as eating out.
    Moreover, it is in major cities that outside culture most likely to overwhelm and take place of the traditional one, for major cities are the most opening and out coming places of a nation. Take China again as an example, nowadays, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas are as popular as traditional festival such as Mid-autumn Day and Spring Festival.
  In sum, governments should invest in their major cities because of the overall development of the nation's economic rather than its cultural traditions' preservation.

poohUID：146994

下次记得每段之间要空行

Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive, because it is primarily in cities that a nation's cultural traditions are preserved and generated.
------正文------
I concede it a wise choice for a government to give its major cities necessary financial support, however, this dose not because that a nation's cultural traditions are preserved and generated primarily in cities. In fact, I hold it otherwise. 开头简洁，但是末句表达的不是很清楚，虽然我明白你的意思，因为你这一otherwise别人会理解成因为city 没有preserve and generate cultural traditions所以政府要资助city


To begin with, why governments should ensure their major cities' financial support， if is dose not because of the nation's cultural traditions' preservation? Because only by investing in the nation's major cities can the government receive both immediate and long-lasting rewards. Take my own country--China as an illustration. Most prominent enterprise inside or outside of the country are located in China's major cities such as Shang Hai, Shen Zhen, Hong Kong, and so forth, accordingly, in order to securing lucrative jobs, a great number of suburb population injects into these cities every year, thus, a sufficient financial support means fundamental insurance for those enterprises’ survival and thrive--as well as those newly settled citizen's well being, all of which, in return, not just contribute to the nation's overall economical environment but also lifted the life standard of a great portion of the country's population.

Secondly, almost all universities and research agencies are settled in major cities, too. These administrations are vital for the whole country's progress in science and technology--both are all crucial for the country's economy. No one would cast any doubt on the fact that the survival and thrive of a country's science and technology depend to economy, the survival and thrive of a country's science and technology dpend to economy 有语法错误 thus, to invest in those major cities of the country will certainly do good to its research work, which is significant for the country's long-lasting benefit.

On the other hand, why major cities contribute little for a nation's cultural traditions' protection? 这里用问句不好 Firstly, citizens who lives in the major cities of a country are always being described as busy, therefore there is no sufficient time for them to carry on the nation's cultural traditions. In China, for example, it is a long-lasting tradition to spend a relatively long time with the whole family to have meal together. However, in major cities, wives and husbands both have jobs, and children always started their education in an early age. Therefore, most families do not have enough time for meal preparing and enjoying, as traditionally did, instead, they prefer a more effective way as eating out.只见firstly,不见后面的...

Moreover, it is in major cities that outside culture most likely to overwhelm and take place of the traditional one, for major cities are the most opening and out coming places of a nation. Take China again as an example, nowadays, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas are as popular as traditional festival such as Mid-autumn Day and Spring Festival. 太简单了这段，不如多花点笔墨把前三段丰富起来

In sum, governments should invest in their major cities because of the overall development of the nation's economic rather than its cultural traditions' preservation. 结尾要总结body段每段论点的，你的结尾太简单了

eustaciaUID：175283

谢谢pooh帮我看得那么仔细，我会好好分析你帮我改过的地方的。