小女子第一篇处女作希望大家帮忙拍砖！

spriteeUID: 189414

Issue 112
Some educational systems emphasize the development of students’ capacity for reasoning and logical thinking, but students would benefit more from an education that also taught them to explore own emotions.



It was a pop belief that there existed during the past centuries, when educational systems forged that it was necessary for education systems to lay much weight on the development of students’ capacity for reasoning and logical thinking rather than to make themselves benefit more from an education that taught them to explore their own emotions. Opponents, however, are not rare, especially when today, a time that stipulate well-rounded individual. As a matter of fact, I advocate that education system should pay more attention to the process of exploring the emotions by the students themselves.

Today is not the time that intellect can determine everything but that requires the increasing amount of emotion exploring. The past decade witnessed a trend that the growing number of people proclaim that EQ is more essential than IQ. EQ stipulates one to be cognitive of his/her emotion; EQ stipulates one to control his/her emotion; EQ stipulates one to utilize his/her emotion, first of all exploring it. So educational systems as a way of cultivating an individual in a society rather than making a elaborate machine in a factory or in a scientific laboratory, ought to shoulder the responsibility to foster the students’ capacity for emotion exploring, which is also what the society needs.

Assuming any  means is not taken, what left to us will not only be crime in campus, the increasing rate of suicide, murdering, leaving school, among the students, but the ceasing of the development of our education. According to a recent investigation, implemented by institution of psychology of Paderborn UGH, a university in German, approximately 63 percent of students suffered from mental disease, varying from insomnia to hypochondria. It also indicated that the principal reason is that the vast majority of students are not aware of exploring their own emotions, on the other hand, bearing them in mind, which strongly affected their study even their life－most of them are distressed, but cannot solve it. It is our hope that smile would spread on every students’ face; It is our hope that everyone could live happily in campus no matter what scores he/she had got; It is our hope that governor of campus would attach less importance to emotion exploring for what we are doing is ample in the near future, but not now.

On the other hand, it is not to deny the significance of the training of the reasoning and logical thinking but emphasizing an equilibrium, under which students are capable of obtaining the most suitable education that can make them superior to their jobs as well as the society.

In sum, I maintain that education, keeping peace with the progress of the society, ought to be mixed by training of intellect and cultivation of the capacity of exploring emotion. Society is invariably fraught with labor, even intellectual labor, but lack of human, even one can explore his/her own emotion－the most cardinal instinct.
第一次写有些跑题，题目理解错了，希望大家给我修改一下语言吧！小妹在次谢过了

spriteeUID: 189414

怎么没人理我

不怕开水烫的猪UID: 187893

Issue 112
Some educational systems emphasize the development of students’ capacity for reasoning and logical thinking, but students would benefit more from an education that also taught them to explore own emotions.

[U]
It was a pop belief that there existed during the past centuries, when educational systems forged that it was necessary for education systems to lay much weight on the development of students’ capacity for reasoning and logical thinking rather than to make themselves benefit more from an education that taught them to explore their own emotions. [/U]  这句话可够长的了，看完挺费力气的。Opponents, however, are not rare, especially when today, a time that stipulate well-rounded individual. As a matter of fact, I advocate that education system should pay more attention to the process of exploring the emotions by the students themselves.

Today is not the time that intellect can determine everything but that requires the increasing amount of emotion exploring. The past decade witnessed a trend that the growing number of people proclaim that EQ is more essential than IQ. EQ stipulates one to be cognitive of his/her emotion; EQ stipulates one to control his/her emotion; EQ stipulates one to utilize his/her emotion, first of all exploring it. [U]So educational systems as a way of cultivating an individual in a society rather than making a elaborate machine in a factory or in a scientific laboratory, ought to shoulder the responsibility to foster the students’ capacity for emotion exploring, which is also what the society needs.[/U] 这句也不短


Assuming any means is not taken, what left to us will not only be crime in campus, the increasing rate of suicide, murdering, leaving school, among the students, but the ceasing of the development of our education. According to a recent investigation, implemented by institution of psychology of Paderborn UGH, a university in German, approximately 63 percent of students suffered from mental disease, varying from insomnia to hypochondria. It also indicated that the principal reason is that the vast majority of students are not aware of exploring their own emotions, on the other hand, bearing them in mind, which strongly affected their study even their life－most of them are distressed, but cannot solve it. It is our hope that smile would spread on every students’ face; It is our hope that everyone could live happily in campus no matter what scores he/she had got; It is our hope that governor of campus would attach less importance to emotion exploring for what we are doing is ample in the near future, but not now.

[U]On the other hand, it is not to deny the significance of the training of the reasoning and logical thinking but emphasizing an equilibrium, under which students are capable of obtaining the most suitable education that can make them superior to their jobs as well as the society.[/U] 还有这一句。这里it指代的什么啊？

In sum, I maintain that education, keeping peace with the progress of the society, ought to be mixed by training of intellect and cultivation of the capacity of exploring emotion. Society is invariably fraught with labor, even intellectual labor, but lack of human, even one can explore his/her own emotion－the most cardinal instinct.

我觉得一片好的文章应该是能让读者很流畅的读完并理解。如果中间复杂的句子太多，会打断读者的思路。

跳梁小丑UID: 157249

粗略看了看，长句很多，是不是上了新东方的原因啊？但是仔细分析一下，很多句子其实是有问题的，我没时间仔细comment了；句式结构需要多样性，而你更多都是长句的累积，读起来很不通畅
第二, it is out hope那个排比句并没有任何强调的效果，欠缺感情因素

个人理解，多多沟通