issue 98(教育类) 新手，希望能够得到详细的修改。狂谢！

chenxgUID: 183868

我第一次用了1个小时写出的第一篇文章，然后第二天用了半个小时的时间进行修改。写成这个样子，希望能够得到指点，谢谢！
Issue 98: College and universities should offer courses on popular music, film, advertising, and television because contemporary culture has much greater relevance for students than do arts and literature of the past.
提纲：
不同意。
（1）首先，学生的精力对流行音乐、电影、广告和电视课程而言是有限的。这些东西太泛滥了。
（2）古典文学更能够开拓大学生的思维深度。能够流传下来的古典文学和艺术自然有其存在的道理，而目前的流行音乐、电影很多都是很庸俗、无聊的题材。
（3）没有必要去学习此类课程。因为在课堂之外每天都大量充斥在电视、广播、生活的各个方面


In this era of rapid development leading to society generating so much popular music, film, advertising, and television etc, the speaker claims that college and universities should offer more courses on contemporary culture. At first glance it seems reasonable, but further reflect tells me that it is worthy of debating, although they have many impacts on students’ lives. To support my view, I will expound it as follows.
Students live in the society full of popular music, film, advertising and television and so on, perhaps everyday they spend more time on watching TV, listening to popular music than on their majors. According to newspaper reported, average time spending on watching TV for American students is near four hours one day. Further, adding the time spending on Internet, which maybe is a main source to receive information for modern people and take most time of pastime, it is a very considerable figure. Does anyone think it is necessary to spend additional time to offer courses to learn contemporary culture?
Energy of students is too limited. As everyone knows, now society has an unbelievable change speed, and requires more generalists than before, so generates cruel job competitions, students have to study many subjects such as computer skills, language skills and so on, which will help them seek better job after graduation. Consequently, they are left less time to learn others and contemporary culture.
Classic culture inspires us dimensions of thinking contrast to contemporary culture. After thousand of years proved, classis culture is left, so it must have reasons of existing. Many people are favor of classic music, which could make people feel quiet. As many nurses say that most of doctors like listening to classic music during operation. Up to now, such as Beethoven Chopin's music are popular. But comparing to classic culture, nowadays less so-called  "popular music" can achieve above effects. Worse, most articles of popular music are related to love, trivial relationships between lovers or boring things etc; film and television are full of horror, violence, eroticism, which increase criminal rates among youngster; as to advertising I think maybe most people hate them because of high frequency and taking us lots of time. As above, it isn’t necessary to offer courses on them for better acquiring of knowledge, although we couldn’t deny all of contemporary culture.
To sum up, we can easily conclude that it is not necessary to offer more courses on popular, film, advertising and so on contemporary culture for common students, although indeed they have close relation us and affect our lives everyday.

HelennaLongUID: 188358

In this era of rapid development leading to society generating so much popular music, film, advertising, and television etc（此处可不用etc）, the speaker claims that college and universities should offer more courses on contemporary culture. At first glance it seems reasonable, but further reflect （此处是否用名词reflection，否则是两个谓语了）tells me that it is worthy of debating, although they（可否把they指代的东西明确说出来） have many impacts on students’ lives. （在此处如果可以说出debating的原因，似乎要完整些）To support my view, I will expound it as follows.
Students live in the society full of popular music, film, advertising and television and so on（就像etc一样，似乎有些多余）, perhaps everyday they spend more time on watching TV, listening to popular music than on their majors. According to newspaper reported, average time spending on watching TV for American students is near four hours one day. Further（是不是用furthermore更好）, adding the time spending on （the）Internet, which maybe is a main source to receive information for modern people（你此段主要说的是坏处，这一点好像是好处） and take most time of pastime, it is a very （considerable已经有相当多的意思，是不是可以省去very）considerable figure. Does anyone think it is necessary to spend additional time to offer courses to learn contemporary culture? （这一段给人的感觉比较单薄，如果可以就这两个问题在扩展一下论述，是不是要好些呢）
Energy of students is too limited. As everyone knows, now society has an unbelievable change speed, and requires more generalists than before, so generates cruel job competitions, students have to study many subjects such as computer skills, language skills and so on, which will help them seek better job after graduation. Consequently, they are left less time to learn others and contemporary culture. （这一段是不是有点偏了，如果不把学习的目的放在找工作上，可能写的内容还会多一些）
Classic culture inspires us dimensions of thinking contrast to contemporary culture. After thousand of years proved（这句好像有点不对也）, classis culture is left, so it must have reasons of existing. Many people are favor of classic music, which could make people feel quiet. As many nurses say that most of doctors like listening to classic music during operation. Up to now, such as Beethoven Chopin's music are popular. But comparing to （with. compare to意思是把。。比作。。）classic culture, nowadays less so-called "popular music" can achieve above effects. Worse（what's worse）, most articles of popular music are related to love, trivial relationships between lovers or boring things etc; film and television are full of horror, violence, eroticism, which increase criminal rates among youngster; as to advertising I think maybe most people hate them because of high frequency and taking us lots of time. As above, it isn’t necessary to offer courses on them for better acquiring of knowledge, although we couldn’t deny all of contemporary culture.
To sum up, we can easily conclude that it is not necessary to offer more courses on popular, film, advertising and so on contemporary culture for common students, although indeed they have close relation us and affect our lives everyday.

  不好意思，我也不是什么大牛，不知道这样的改动你会不会接受。总的来说，我觉得你的提纲还是不错，可是在写的过程中，你应该多强调古典文学和艺术对学生在学业、生活等方面的影响，而不是泛泛而谈，还提到了什么音乐对医生等的影响。既然是教育方面的文章，就要围绕教育来写。还有，在文章的用词和句式方面，得注意准确性，尽量少用口语中常用的词如maybe. etc.等。
以上就是我的一点建议了，见笑了哈 :)  :)
大家共同探讨，共同进步了。 :)

chenxgUID: 183868

谢谢你对我第一篇作文的修改，这对我来说真的很重要。
你的意见很重要，第二部分确实有点偏离主题，
我觉得应该从教育的主要目的以及当代文学对学生生活的影响来
展开比较好。
今天晚上我会重新修改一下，然后再发上来。
无论如何，谢谢你。