issue79 我的第一篇（附提纲，一些想法￥％3￥）

G猫UID: 192988

（糟糕，竟然忘了题目，补上，谢谢pooh提醒）
issue79 "Major policy decisions should always be left to politicians and other government experts, who are more informed and thus have better judgment and perspective than do members of the general public."

昨天受到鼓励，今天终于造出了我的第一篇issue，虽然中途吃火锅，逛街，看同一首歌，总算是在今天把它给写出来了，那个难呀，前两段还算完成的顺利，溜着出来的，后面就像挤牙膏一样，死活想不出例子支持，知识实在贫乏，到最后还是没想出来，就这样吧，反正是诊断，希望大家能多拍点砖。

先说说怎么想的吧，看到题目有个always，这样绝对的字眼铁定挨批的，题目的结论是基于这样的假设：“well－informed”thus“better judgment and perspective”，想到可以批驳的有论据和论证过程，既然它都给了靶子了，就不客气了，想想为什么是well－informed，是不是真的well－informed，于是就有了段落2。同样对于“better judgment and perspective”，就有了段落3。这种东西，从反面说很好说吧（其实也没想像的那么容易，死活写不出来），于是段落4，这就是构思的过程，欢迎大家朝这也扔砖头。

提纲：
（开头结尾就免了吧）
2．P虽然well－informed，但是他们所获得的信息对于做重大决策来说不一定足够且可靠。
（1）要制定有利于人民的政策，人民的意见和建议是必须的
（2）P获得的信息并非完全可靠的
3．不怀疑P的能力，但是毕竟人多力量大嘛
4．反面论证，忽视公众作用最终会导致社会危害


Well-educated, keen perspective, reasonable judgment …all of these may point to our political elites, which made us believe in confidence that major policy decisions can always be left to those politicians and government experts and they will surely lead us to the kingdom of ideal. Is that true? Based on my observation, such conclusion was drawn too hastily.

No one would deny that government officials can get access to various information which do not open doors to ordinary people, thus to some extent better-informed, but are these information sufficient or effective or reliable for policy-making? Not necessarily. A politician once said “the end of the government is the happiness of the people.” How could the government leaders achieve this goal without consulting their citizens? For the well-being of the society and their people, besides news from the media, survey data from certain organizations, and technological information from research institutions, public opinions and suggestions are crucial for the political leaders to make decisions. To be more specifically, the popular response to certain laws and measures can reflect how well they are functioning, making the politicians aware of if there is something to do to make an improvement; their suggestions may contribute to innovative reform. Almost every textbook of management will emphasize the part of employees’ engagement in the management of a well-organized company; the same principle can be applied to a nation, a magnified “company”. Besides, the information presented to government leaders are not always as the way they really are. This can be illustrated in many cases in the economic field. Based on some ulterior objective, a handful of companies may falsify their economic status quo report to fool the government and shareholders, in order to gain more investment and policy inclination. If the government officials making decisions based on such report, mistakes are inevitable.

Furthermore, an effective political, economical and legal system should not be only based on the intelligence of government officials, but the supplement from the pool of populace. Admittedly, politicians and government experts have good judgment and perspective, but they are constrained to a limited intelligence resource. The populaces are consisted of individuals from divergent fields. Professors from universities, managers from corporations, doctors from hospitals, any of them, even an ordinary citizen, may add brick to the building of societal superstructure. There is no doubt that when making major policies, these people’s advice and ideas are worthy to take into account for the sake of a better-off society.

Being blind to the public role on the development of a nation would eventually do harm to the society and the country. Major policy decisions always left to politicians will lead to lacking of communication between populace and government, which may raise unreliability and suspicion among people. Sometimes, the government’s behavior may undermine the public interest; the rock on the way to people blocked the opportunity in which the government can be perceptive to such discontent. As the discontent accumulated, the societal rioting seems to be the only way to go.

A nation is the most complex organization, with the aim of the well-being of their people. Political elites are of great power and ability to handle a serious of intricate issues, but this doesn’t mean that merely depending on them, an effective government and a promising country can be achieved. Public is a storehouse of valuable information and intelligence, their engagement in policy making is necessary for a better social system. It is advisable for the government officials to make policies that would give populace opportunities to speak in the issue of policy making. By doing so, the ideal kingdom of all people’s well-being will never be a dream.

因为是诊断的文章，所以写完也没改，这样才反应自己现在的真实水平嘛，
自己诊断一下先：
1，        隐隐约约觉得对题目的理解有点偏差，都怪对“major policy making”没有好好分析下。（神啊，告诉我这不是真的，不然全都玩完）。所以最重要的是，以后先要把题目理解透彻了。
2，        中文作文都不会写，所以最大的肯定是思想问题，感到展开非常难，一个是考虑问题不能想得很全面，再就是脑袋空空根本想不出论据支持，恶补呀。
3，        至于逻辑嘛，一直都不觉得自己有逻辑，所以还请大家提意见
4，        语言方面，唉，用词太土了，用来用去都那几个，还毫无把握地乱用搭配。句式也及其幼稚，只会用从句，没一点变化。
5，        还有写的时候的臭毛病，总是回视，写一句要把前面翻来覆去地看好几遍，导致速度奇慢。（其实我可以很流利地写出毫无逻辑的很土的句子的，真的）。

非常期待大家能够给我多提意见，为我接下来复习方向的确定提供一些帮助，感激不尽。

顺便说一下这两天对issue有一定了解以后的一点想法。有前辈说，写提纲没用，他支持这个结论的论据是题目太多了，就算写了也记不住。这个逻辑应该是合理的，但是我觉得没有抓住最本质的东西。我觉得写提纲的目的不应该是为了考试的时候能够记起来而省去构思的工作，而是通过之前提纲的准备形成思考问题的一种模式，也就是构思的“模板”。只要形成一种思维模式，就算提纲忘记了，或者遇到陌生的题，我们也能够惯性地迅速地构思。比如说，找出题目中的关键词是我们思路的出发点，分析它们之间的关系将点练成线，之后对每个关键词发散性地多问几个what，how，why，从中选择与论证关系最密切或者最容易展开地组织材料。我大概浏览了一些作文教程，觉得很大程度上存在着误导，什么第二段写什么，第三段写什么，接下来让步，这样地文章就算是有逻辑，也是局部地逻辑，尽管也可以让你保险地拿到一个鸡肋的分数，但却没有真实地反应出你的逻辑实力，也就是说，你本来可以拿5分甚至更高，却只能得4分左右得成绩。我觉得我们每个人都具备分析问题，解决问题的能力，只是需要通过训练来加强思维的速度、深度和广度，所以我觉得应该对自己有信心，抛弃那些所谓的模板，找到自己思考的模板，毕竟，这种能力是终身受用的。
PS：我今天才开始写第一篇作文，官方范文也才看了两篇，所以所说的这些并没有实证，完全主观臆断，大家可以完全不必理会，我只是想分享一下自己的心得，大家批判地来看吧。

poohUID: 146994

先把题目贴出来吧，我才好给你看啊

naiba369UID: 131655

pooh姐姐的香吻呢

嘿嘿

:D

so猫UID: 148633

好久没改了
也就练练手
反正本来该查文献得没好好查
在别人得机子上
所以没办法用那个变色工具
尽量都用中文了
凑合看吧~~~~

也好久没摸作文了
有错得提吧


Well-educated, keen perspective, reasonable judgment …all of these may point to (point out才是你想表达得意思吧~) our political elites, which made (为什么用过去式) us believe in confidence that major policy decisions can always be left to those politicians and government experts and they will surely lead us to the kingdom of ideal.(这个句子太杂了,为什么不分两句说呢? 也没觉得那个and后面得于前面得有多大联系~) Is that true? Based on my observation (是想说经我观察发现 这个意思吧 不觉得直接翻译得很奇怪嘛?), such conclusion was drawn too hastily.(哈,如果我是你,这里我就用倒装~)

No one would deny that government officials can get access to various information which do (do???) not open doors to ordinary people, thus to some extent better-informed (to some extent放这里比较舒服吧~), but are these information sufficient or effective or reliable for policy-making? (我的天 你这是多少句弄在一块啊? 建议这样的句子就分开写算了 要不哪是主语我都看不明白~)Not necessarily. A politician once said (跟中文一样,这里要冒号的)“the(The) end of the government is the happiness of the people.”(啥? 一个政府的完蛋是人民的幸福? 这哪来的理论? 怪了吧~) How could the government leaders achieve this goal without consulting their citizens? For the well-being of the society and their(哪来的they?) people, besides news from the media, survey data from certain organizations, and technological information from research institutions, public opinions and suggestions are crucial for the political leaders to make decisions. (前面一大串把我彻底弄昏~)To be more specifically(副词?), the popular response to certain laws and measures can reflect how well they(谁?) are functioning, making the politicians aware of if there is something to do to make an improvement; their suggestions may contribute to innovative reform. Almost every textbook of management will emphasize the part of employees’ engagement in the management of a well-organized company; the same principle can be applied to a nation, a magnified “company”. Besides, the information presented to government leaders are not always as the way they really are. (这句不错 我喜欢~)This can be illustrated in many cases in the economic field. Based on some ulterior objective, a handful of companies may falsify their economic status quo report to fool the government and shareholders, in order to gain more investment and policy inclination. If the government officials making decisions based on such report, mistakes are inevitable.
最大的缺点 罗嗦~也没看出跟题目有多大的联系 反倒感觉是是不是单凭政府数据就能让政治家作出正确决定才是本段的重点~
不管 看下面~

Furthermore, an effective political, economical and legal system (说的真麻烦~ 怪怪的~) should not be only based on the intelligence of government officials, but the supplement from the pool of populace. Admittedly, politicians and government experts have good judgment and perspective, but they are constrained to a limited intelligence resource. The populaces are consisted of individuals from divergent fields. Professors from universities, managers from corporations, doctors from hospitals, any of them, even (哪里来的even的意思啊?) an ordinary citizen, may add brick to the building of societal superstructure.(说了半天 就自己一人在说 有值得信服的东西拿出来没 要我是小米我就说 什么加砖瓦 我不信 那你怎么办? 举例子不在多少 而在信服度) There is no doubt that when making major policies, these people’s advice and ideas are worthy to take into account for the sake of a better-off society.
看吧 绕了吧 因为普通人的意见重要 他们能为社会作贡献 所以他们的意见重要 政府要听他们的
说了半天 自己给自己绕死了~~~
还是没有从根本上解决问题~

Being blind to the public role on the development of a nation would eventually do harm to the society and the country. Major policy decisions always left to politicians will (怎看怎么奇怪的句子顺序 left to politicians will always 这样才对吧~) lead to(谁lead to? 如果是说decision left to politician这个事情的话 主语就错了 应该用主语从句 加that的那种~) lacking of communication between populace and government, which may raise unreliability and suspicion among people. Sometimes, the government’s behavior may undermine the public interest; the rock on the way to people (这个比喻的主体在哪 看不出~) blocked the opportunity in which the government can be perceptive to such discontent. As the discontent accumulated, the societal rioting seems to be the only way to go.
典型虎头蛇尾 东西还没交代清楚呢 别着急啊~

A nation is the most complex organization,(这句 冷不丁冒出来 怪吓人的 我还以为到了china daily) with the aim of the well-being of their people. Political elites are of great power and ability to handle a serious of intricate issues, but this doesn’t(does not) mean that merely depending on them, an effective government and a promising country can be achieved. Public is a storehouse of valuable information and intelligence, their engagement in policy making is necessary for a better social system. It is advisable for the government officials to make policies that would give populace opportunities to speak in the issue of policy making. By doing so, the ideal kingdom of all people’s well-being will never be a dream.
说实在的 结尾是我自己也最常写出的那种"展望"式结尾
自己不喜欢这种
一看就高大远 没什么内容
但也没什么好的建议提
看大家怎么看了~~~~~~~


我讲话比较直 打击了信心表怪我
其实第一次写成这样不错了
加油啊~

——so猫

poohUID: 146994

Well-educated, keen perspective, reasonable judgment …all of these may point to our political elites, which made us believe in confidence that major policy decisions can always be left to those politicians and government experts and they will surely lead us to the kingdom of ideal. Is that true? Based on my observation, such conclusion was drawn too hastily.

开头比较有新意。

No one would deny that government officials can get access to various information which do not open doors 去掉doors to ordinary people, thus to some extent they are better-informed, but are these information sufficient or effective or reliable for policy-making? Not necessarily. A politician once said “the end of the government is the happiness of the people.” How could the government leaders achieve this goal without consulting their citizens? For the well-being of the society and their people, besides news from the media, survey data from certain organizations, and technological information from research institutions, public opinions and suggestions are crucial for the political leaders to make decisions. To be more specifically, the popular response to certain laws and measures can reflect how well they are functioning, making the politicians aware of if there is something to do to make an improvement; their suggestions may contribute to innovative reform. Almost every textbook of management will emphasize the part of employees’ engagement in the management of a well-organized company; the same principle can be applied to a nation, a magnified “company”.企业跟国家从本质上还是不一样的吧，并不是把企业扩大就变成了国家啊 Besides, the information presented to government leaders are not always as the way they really are. This can be illustrated in many cases in the economic field. Based on some ulterior objective, a handful of companies may falsify their economic status quo report to fool the government and shareholders, in order to gain more investment and policy inclination. If the government officials making decisions based on such report, mistakes are inevitable.

Furthermore, an effective political, economical and legal system should not be only based on the intelligence of government officials, but the supplement from the pool of populace. the public比较好 Admittedly, politicians and government experts have good judgment and perspective, but they are constrained to a limited intelligence resource. The populaces are consisted of individuals from divergent fields. Professors from universities, managers from corporations, doctors from hospitals, any of them, even an ordinary citizen, may add brick to the building of societal superstructure. There is no doubt that when making major policies, these people’s advice and ideas are worthy to take into account for the sake of a better-off society.

Being blind to the public role 你的表达不准确，容易被误解，改成the role of public on the development of a nation would eventually do harm to the society and the country. Major policy decisions always left to politicians will lead to lacking of communication between populace and government, which may raise unreliability and suspicion among people. Sometimes, the government’s behavior may undermine the public interest; the rock on the way to people blocked the opportunity in which the government can be perceptive to such discontent. As the discontent accumulated, the societal rioting seems to be the only way to go.

A nation is the most complex organization, with the aim of the well-being of their people. Political elites are of great power and ability to handle a serious of intricate issues, but this doesn’t mean that merely depending on them, an effective government and a promising country can be achieved. Public is a storehouse of valuable information and intelligence, their engagement in policy making is necessary for a better social system. It is advisable for the government officials to make policies that would give populace opportunities to speak in the issue of policy making. By doing so, the ideal kingdom of all people’s well-being will never be a dream.
大体看了一下，你对题目理解得还不错，这几个分论点都可以，但是body2.3都缺少例子，分析也都是停留在表面了，语言表达能力可以，还是比较流畅的。

同意你对issue的认识，你怎么老说自己脑袋空空啊，没逻辑阿，我看你分析问题能力挺强的，呵呵，相信aw一定难不倒你的，加油！

G猫UID: 192988

最初由 so猫 发布
[B]好久没改了
也就练练手
反正本来该查文献得没好好查
在别人得机子上
所以没办法用那个变色工具
尽量都用中文了
凑合看吧~~~~

也好久没摸作文了
?.

以下省略...... [/B]

真的不是故意成为你的马甲的 :D
非常感谢给我拍了这么多砖,幸苦了:)


Well-educated, keen perspective, reasonable judgment …all of these may point to (point out才是你想表达得意思吧~)
我的意思是这些优点都指向政治精英,感觉point out和我想的不太符合,不过我也不知道怎么说更好
our political elites, which made (为什么用过去式)嗯,是没道理 us believe in confidence that major policy decisions can always be left to those politicians and government experts and they will surely lead us to the kingdom of ideal.(这个句子太杂了,为什么不分两句说呢? 也没觉得那个and后面得于前面得有多大联系~)
我是说把重大决策都交给他们,他们就会带领人民到理想之国,应该也有点联系吧
Is that true? Based on my observation (是想说经我观察发现 这个意思吧 不觉得直接翻译得很奇怪嘛?)嘻嘻,这个不是翻译的,不知道该怎么写了,想到模板里的套话,就用上了, such conclusion was drawn too hastily.(哈,如果我是你,这里我就用倒装~)偶还不会,好多要学呀

No one would deny that government officials can get access to various information which do (do???) doesnot open doors to ordinary people, thus to some extent better-informed (to some extent放这里比较舒服吧~) 学到了,下次注意, but are these information sufficient or effective or reliable for policy-making? (我的天 你这是多少句弄在一块啊? 建议这样的句子就分开写算了 要不哪是主语我都看不明白~) 又是难句惹的祸,不过这句应该没错误吧,我其实没故意这样写的, 可能难句读多了,潜移默化吧Not necessarily. A politician once said (跟中文一样,这里要冒号的)“the(The) end of the government is the happiness of the people.”(啥? 一个政府的完蛋是人民的幸福? 这哪来的理论? 怪了吧~)这是一篇名演讲里的原句,说政府的最终目的是人民的幸福 How could the government leaders achieve this goal without consulting their citizens? For the well-being of the society and their(哪来的they?) 哦,后面确实没有主语,删掉可以吗 people, besides news from the media, survey data from certain organizations, and technological information from research institutions, public opinions and suggestions are crucial for the political leaders to make decisions. (前面一大串把我彻底弄昏~)To be more specifically(副词?), 应该是形容词 the popular response to certain laws and measures can reflect how well they(谁?) are functioning, making the politicians aware of if there is something to do to make an improvement; their suggestions may contribute to innovative reform. Almost every textbook of management will emphasize the part of employees’ engagement in the management of a well-organized company; the same principle can be applied to a nation, a magnified “company”. Besides, the information presented to government leaders are not always as the way they really are. (这句不错 我喜欢~)This can be illustrated in many cases in the economic field. Based on some ulterior objective, a handful of companies may falsify their economic status quo report to fool the government and shareholders, in order to gain more investment and policy inclination. If the government officials making decisions based on such report, mistakes are inevitable.
最大的缺点 罗嗦~也没看出跟题目有多大的联系 反倒感觉是是不是单凭政府数据就能让政治家作出正确决定才是本段的重点~
不管 看下面~
这一段要说明政府得到的information不一定足够可靠, 前一个分论点说不够, 因为人民的意见和建议是要参考的,第二个说不可靠.还是有点联系的吧

Furthermore, an effective political, economical and legal system (说的真麻烦~ 怪怪的~) 凑字数,感觉多点should not be only based on the intelligence of government officials, but the supplement from the pool of populace. Admittedly, politicians and government experts have good judgment and perspective, but they are constrained to a limited intelligence resource. The populaces are consisted of individuals from divergent fields. Professors from universities, managers from corporations, doctors from hospitals, any of them, even (哪里来的even的意思啊?) even没有甚至的意思吗?这个是chiglish,我也不知道对不对 an ordinary citizen, may add brick to the building of societal superstructure.(说了半天 就自己一人在说 有值得信服的东西拿出来没 要我是小米我就说 什么加砖瓦 我不信 那你怎么办? 举例子不在多少 而在信服度) 我知道要例子呀,现在脑子实在没啥东西,什么也想不出来There is no doubt that when making major policies, these people’s advice and ideas are worthy to take into account for the sake of a better-off society.
看吧 绕了吧 因为普通人的意见重要 他们能为社会作贡献 所以他们的意见重要 政府要听他们的
说了半天 自己给自己绕死了~~~
还是没有从根本上解决问题~
我这段的逻辑不是这样的呀,没说普通人的意见重要呀,政府要听他们的. 我是说政府官员毕竟力量有限, 可以用人民的智慧来做补充,不过没说清楚就是我的不对了

Being blind to the public role on the development of a nation would eventually do harm to the society and the country. Major policy decisions always left to politicians will (怎看怎么奇怪的句子顺序 left to politicians will always 这样才对吧~) lead to(谁lead to? 如果是说decision left to politician这个事情的话 主语就错了 应该用主语从句 加that的那种~)哦,对哦,我自己也觉得怪呢,学到了,谢谢 lacking of communication between populace and government, which may raise unreliability and suspicion among people. Sometimes, the government’s behavior may undermine the public interest; the rock on the way to people (这个比喻的主体在哪 看不出~) 嗯,不知道怎么写好,就是前面说的缺乏沟通, 所以说有块石头在中间, 不过觉得写的确实有点问题 blocked the opportunity in which the government can be perceptive to such discontent. As the discontent accumulated, the societal rioting seems to be the only way to go.
典型虎头蛇尾 东西还没交代清楚呢 别着急啊~
嘻嘻,确实着急了,真厉害,想写个动乱的例子来着,想不出来

A nation is the most complex organization,(这句 冷不丁冒出来 怪吓人的 我还以为到了china daily) 为什么呀with the aim of the well-being of their people. Political elites are of great power and ability to handle a serious of intricate issues, but this doesn’t(does not) mean that merely depending on them, an effective government and a promising country can be achieved. Public is a storehouse of valuable information and intelligence, their engagement in policy making is necessary for a better social system. It is advisable for the government officials to make policies that would give populace opportunities to speak in the issue of policy making. By doing so, the ideal kingdom of all people’s well-being will never be a dream.
说实在的 结尾是我自己也最常写出的那种"展望"式结尾
自己不喜欢这种
一看就高大远 没什么内容
但也没什么好的建议提
看大家怎么看了~~~~~~~
确实是,我中文作文都老写成这样的,因为实在没什么创见

G猫UID: 192988

最初由 pooh 发布
[B]Well-educated, keen perspective, reasonable judgment …all of these may point to our political elites, which made us believe in confidence that major policy dec..

以下省略...... [/B]

谢谢pooh JJ,一定加油 :)