issue130 (prepare for 207—16)

LSDUID: 157855

Issue130  到时间了还没有写结尾，后来补上的，共用时55分钟（不包括修改）
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
I agree with the speaker's assertion that we have not prepared children with a sense of socialization which may determine our society’s future. Meanwhile, I must point out that the speaker overlooks other factors that can also help children make a better society.

Human beings by nature are social animals, and children stand for the future of our society, so if we want to see a bright destiny of our society, we must make children well socialized. Socialization is very important to a person since it teaches a person how to get along with others and make sure of one's success. For example, the ability of cooperation, which is an indispensable part of socialization, can play a vital role in people's careers and daily lives. A person who has built up well sense of cooperation when he/she was still a child may lead to his/her outstanding behaviours on profession. As a political leader, the sense of cooperation can help one make the society more prosperity by cooperating with other countries in the realms of political, economic, education and so forth. As a scientist, the sense of cooperation can help one get along well with other scientists in the research group and attain the final goal. As a work in a company, the sense of cooperation can help one collaborate with other workers and make their work more efficiency. In fact, Cooperation is only one composition of socialization, others such as the sense of competition, the ability of adapting to new environment and so on are equally as important as cooperation.  From what I have stated above, we have learned its important significance, so we can see the essentiality of children's socialization.

Have we already learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society? In my observation, we have not. Many undesired phenomenon have informed us we have not learned how to socialized children. Now, more and more employer complain that the younger employees who graduate from colleges soon cannot make them satisfactory, since they seem haven't learned how to take a full responsibility of their social status even though they can acquire high scores when they are at school. New employees always have little collectivity sense and they are so individual and don’t know how to cooperate with others. Moreover, compare with older employees, new employees have lower ability to endure pressures from their work and themselves and which cause them change work frequently. Hence, Unfortunately, I should say that our society has not fulfilled their responsibility to raise children who can construct a better society. The reason is that teachers and parents are always emphasize the importance of school work and pursuing high mark while ignoring the real abilities discussed in the second paragraph.  

However, the speaker failed to recognize that other important factors which can also do good to children's nurture and being positive impetus for our society’s progress. For instance, Martin Luther King, whose strong faiths of freedom and equality of human beings were not attribute to his socialization but due to his family's education. Similarly, Helen Keller's struggle for her individual value was also not for her socialization but result from her parents and teacher's encouragement. All of the foregoing figures have made great contribution to our society owing to their efforts, so we cannot omit other crucial factors beside children's socialization.

In sum, we should pay great attention to children's socialization since it is core factor to insure children will build up a better society in the future. What's more, people should be cognizant of other factors' role in influencing children's growth beside socialization.

莫名NUID: 146481

开头第一句最好能加一个partly agree,因为作者的观点是不完善的，你又有补充的

第二段的三个AS之前的论证感觉有点松散，一直在绕圈子说一句话，举的例子还可以；语法还有一些小问题，语言的表达有点绕；最后一段感觉是第一段的重复，修改一下会比较好

感觉倒数第二段是写的不错的

论证的思路：1。社会化很重要  2。我们现在对孩子的社会化做的不够
感觉接下来是要说怎么把孩子社会化好，但是楼主写的是有其他的方式帮助培养孩子，感觉有些脱节，如果这里的过度能修改一下就好了

个人意见，
欢迎讨论

ally00lingUID: 178366

How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
I agree with the speaker's assertion that we have not prepared children with a sense of socialization which may determine our society’s future. Meanwhile, I must point out that the speaker overlooks other factors that can also help children make a better society.

Human beings by nature are social animals, and children stand for the future of our society, so if we want to see a bright destiny [future 好点吧]of our society, we must make children well socialized. Socialization is very important to a person since it teaches a person how to get along with others and make sure of one's success.[Socialization plays an important role in developing one’s capacity of getting along with others, which contributes significantly to one’s success.] For example, the ability of cooperation, which is an indispensable part of socialization, can play [palys]a vital[crucial] role in people's careers and daily lives. A person who has[had] built up well sense of cooperation when he/she was still a child may lead to his/her outstanding behaviours on[in?] profession.[句子主干为person…may lead to…应该是他的sense of cooperation作主语吧] As[For] a political leader, the sense of cooperation can help one make the society more prosperity[prosperous] by cooperating with other countries[the sense of cooperation will bring more social prosperity by… 好点吧 其实还是不对 还是the sense of cooperation…by cooperating…] in the realms of political[politics] economic[economy], education and so forth. As a scientist, the sense of cooperation can help one get along well with other scientists in the research group and attain the final goal. As a work[an employee] in a company, the sense of cooperation can help one collaborate with other workers[others] and make their work more efficiency. In fact, Cooperation is only one composition of socialization, others such as the sense of competition, the ability of adapting to new environment and so on are equally as important as cooperation. From what I have stated above, we have learned its important significance, so we can see the essentiality of children's socialization. [搂主定义socialization为与人共处的能力(get along with)，现在又说socialization包含的诸多方面，显然定义不能将其一一包含，有误了吧；表述合作对于不同人的意义有点浅，应该注意句式的变换和语法；make用了太多次，这词听生硬的，建议换掉]

Have we already learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society? In my observation, we have not. Many undesired phenomenon have informed us we have not learned how to socialized children. [前两局合并一下吧]Now, more and more employer complain that the younger employees who graduate from colleges soon[soon?指什么] cannot make them satisfactory[satisfy them], since they[the younger generation] seem haven't learned how to take a full responsibility of their social status even though they can acquire high scores when they are at school. New employees always have little collectivity sense[想说整体观念还是集体主义呢？好像不是这么说，再查查看哦] and they are so individual and don’t know how to cooperate with others. Moreover, compare[d] with older employees, new employees[old 和new在这不代表年龄，是工龄] have lower ability to endure pressures from their work and themselves and which[, which results in their frequent quiting of jobs] cause them change work frequently. Hence, Unfortunately, I should say that our society has not fulfilled their responsibility to raise children who can construct a better society[hasty conclusion]. The reason is that teachers and parents are always emphasize the importance of school work and pursuing[the pursuit of] high mark[grades] while ignoring the real abilities discussed in the second paragraph.[例子不太能服人哦！]

However, the speaker failed to recognize that other important factors which can also do good to children's nurture and being positive impetus for our society’s progress. For instance, Martin Luther King, whose strong faiths of freedom and equality of human beings were[did] not attribute to his socialization but due to his family's education. Similarly, Helen Keller's struggle for her individual value was also not for her socialization but result[ed] from her parents and teacher's encouragement. All of the foregoing figures have made great contribution to our society owing to their efforts, so we cannot omit other crucial factors beside children's socialization.[个人感觉MartinLutherKing 很socialized啊，至少没有证据说他的成功全靠education而与socialization无关，而且我们不正在讨论怎么通过教育使孩子socialized，二者不是平行的两方面呀]

In sum, we should pay great attention to children's socialization since it is core factor to insure children will build up a better society in the future. What's more, people should be cognizant of other factors' role in influencing children's growth beside socialization.
结构是清晰的，但是俄文章不太有说服力，可能是例子的力度问题吧。
还有一个感觉，不知道自己的理解对不对，第一段观点陈述时，给我的感觉重点在后半句, 当然楼注本意不应如此，因为文章的重点不在这里，结尾也只是一句带过，所以对position的表述应该十分警惕。

能力有限，写得也不多，希望和大家交流！
笨死了 不会变色 请原谅 :D ！

haiyaUID: 187989

to ally00ling,当一个gter上的变色工具，一个小网页。
然后你只要copy再paste一下就可以了。

恩，我来看看：）

haiyaUID: 187989

How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
I agree with the speaker's assertion that we have not prepared children with a sense of socialization which may determine our society’s future. Meanwhile, I must point out that the speaker overlooks other factors that cancan去掉 also help children make a better society.

Human beings by nature are social animals, and children stand for the future of our society, so if we want to see a bright destiny这个词感觉不是很合适 of our society, we must make children well socialized. Socialization is very important to a person since it teaches a person how to get along with others and make sure of one's success. For example, the ability of cooperation, which is an indispensable part of socialization, can play a vital role in people's careers and daily lives. A person who has built up well sense of cooperation when he/she was still a child may lead to his/her outstanding behaviours on profession. As a political leader, the sense of cooperation can help one make the society more prosperity by cooperating with other countries in the realms of political, economic, education and so forth. As a scientist, the sense of cooperation can help one get along well with other scientists in the research group and attain the final goal. As a worker in a company, the sense of cooperation can help one collaborate with other workers and make their work more efficiency词性错误. In fact, Cooperation is only one composition这个可数吗？ of socialization, others such as the sense of competition, the ability of adapting to new environment and so on are equally as important as cooperation. From what I have stated above, we have learned its important significance, so we can see the essentiality of children's socialization.我觉得这段讲着讲着就偏了，楼主应该把重点落在how to determine, why determine it上，而不是一直论述the importance.虽然二这者是有关的。Ts里指是提了一下，后面就开始importance了

Have we already learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society? 这段是在针对第二句话In my observation, we have not. Many undesired phenomenon have informed us we have not learned how to socialized children. Now, more and more employer complain that the younger employees who graduate from colleges soon cannot make them satisfactory, since they seem haven't learned how to take a full responsibility of their social status even though they can acquire high scores when they are at school. New employees always have little collectivity sense and they are so individual and don’t know how to cooperate with others. Moreover, compare with older employees, new employees have lower ability to endure pressures from their work and themselves and which cause them change work frequently. Hence, Unfortunately, I should say that our society has not fulfilled their responsibility to raise children who can construct a better society. The reason is that teachers and parents are always emphasize the importance of school work and pursuing high mark while ignoring the real abilities discussed in the second paragraph. 这段可以，分析了为什么还不知道怎么raise的原因

However, the speaker failed to recognize that other important factors which can also do good to children's nurture and being positive impetus for our society’s progress. For instance, Martin Luther King, whose strong faiths of freedom and equality of human beings were not attribute to his socialization but due to his family's education. Similarly, Helen Keller's struggle for her individual value was also not for her socialization but result from her parents and teacher's encouragement. All of the foregoing figures have made great contribution to our society owing to their efforts, so we cannot omit other crucial factors beside children's socialization.觉得这两个例子都不合适，因为前者后来是个leader,后者后来是个演说家，他们的成功都和social skill直接有关

In sum, we should pay great attention to children's socialization since it is core factor to insure children will build up a better society in the future. What's more, people should be cognizant of other factors' role in influencing children's growth beside socialization. 感觉LSDmm的结尾和开头基本是重复复述，我不知道这样好不好。但我觉得应该结尾应该再升华一下比较好

imongUID: 140258

b1 socialize的重要性
第一句话写的是车轱辘话说完了等于什么都没说，觉得可以去掉

b2 和 b1里面 其实表达的层次和顺序都可以再考究
比如b1 怎么表达Socialize的重要性（实际上是socialization determine）
可以说Socialize的对立面是individualize（:rolleyes: if so） 那么如果此消彼长 那么必然的缺陷是什么 导致的结果是什么 而未必是先就把cooperation提出来 再说cooperation重要性。
b2的话 in my observation， it is not 没必要写。直接Have we之后把现象一列 话里带话的夹叙夹议再来点儿小修辞小讽刺 话不出口人家就知道结果和态度是什么了

b3似乎有点跑。没写到点子上去。b3回应的是determine 还是we have not yet learned？如果是后者 那么个体的例子能拿来证明群体吗？如果是前者 那么是不是和b1矛盾了？怎么看 怎么觉得别扭。

这道题目还是比较绕的 呵呵

LSDUID: 157855

To 莫名：

[开头第一句最好能加一个partly agree,因为作者的观点是不完善的，你又有补充的]
nod,呵呵，以前怎么没注意呢


[第二段的三个AS之前的论证感觉有点松散，一直在绕圈子说一句话，举的例子还可以；]
这个我是想强调cooperation的重要性，从而衬托出socialization的重要性


[论证的思路：1。社会化很重要 2。我们现在对孩子的社会化做的不够
感觉接下来是要说怎么把孩子社会化好，但是楼主写的是有其他的方式帮助培养孩子，感觉有些脱节，如果这里的过度能修改一下就好了]
这个在最近的作文中有了些体会，我想应该在b3之前加一段解决的方式可能要好些。


To ally00ling:
[搂主定义socialization为与人共处的能力(get along with)，现在又说socialization包含的诸多方面，显然定义不能将其一一包含，有误了吧]
nod 前面的.[Socialization plays an important role in developing one’s capacity of getting along with others, which contributes significantly to one’s success.]的确定以有点窄了，去掉。


[collectivity sense[想说整体观念还是集体主义呢？好像不是这么说，再查查看哦]
集体主义：collectivism


[个人感觉MartinLutherKing 很socialized啊，至少没有证据说他的成功全靠education而与socialization无关，而且我们不正在讨论怎么通过教育使孩子socialized，二者不是平行的两方面呀]
这个例子我想说的是Martin Luther King的强烈的政治理念不是靠社会化得来的，而是和他从小受到的家庭教育有关。


To haiya:
[我觉得这段讲着讲着就偏了，楼主应该把重点落在how to determine, why determine it上，而不是一直论述the importance.虽然二这者是有关的。Ts里指是提了一下，后面就开始importance了]
我觉得why determine it 就是在说socialization 的重要性阿，我把它具体到了cooperation上，因为觉得说一个比一起都说要简单点,后面又总结了一下，cooperation不是socialization 的全部仅是其中的一个部分，所以更突出了socialization的重要性啊。对于这一点想再请教一下:p


[觉得这两个例子都不合适，因为前者后来是个leader,后者后来是个演说家，他们的成功都和social skill直接有关]
这点你和 ally00ling提得一样，其实这两个人物的成绩有很大程度上不是靠社会化得来的，而是靠着特殊的家庭教育和自身的内部动力达到的。


再次感谢楼上几位，欢迎讨论！
:p

LSDUID: 157855

刚才发的时候还没有看到imong呢，这么快就贴上来了！
谢谢斑竹，好好看看:p

LSDUID: 157855

[b2 和 b1里面 其实表达的层次和顺序都可以再考究
比如b1 怎么表达Socialize的重要性（实际上是socialization determine）
可以说Socialize的对立面是individualize（  if so） 那么如果此消彼长 那么必然的缺陷是什么 导致的结果是什么 而未必是先就把cooperation提出来 再说cooperation重要性。]
关于b1我又想了一下，我觉得还是从正面说比较好，考虑到我的b2揭露现在社会现象是基本上是从反面入手，所以b1从正面说的话可能给人的感觉不是和b2那么重复。不过，对于b1我想还是不应该仅仅重点写cooperation那样就像莫名说的来回来去绕着一件事情说了半天，感觉没什么说服力。还是要把后面列的几个能力在社会中的作用都提一下。


[b2的话 in my observation， it is not 没必要写。直接Have we之后把现象一列 话里带话的夹叙夹议再来点儿小修辞小讽刺 话不出口人家就知道结果和态度是什么了]
关于b2同意imong的建议，我讲的有点罗嗦了。


[b3似乎有点跑。没写到点子上去。b3回应的是determine 还是we have not yet learned？如果是后者 那么个体的例子能拿来证明群体吗？如果是前者 那么是不是和b1矛盾了？怎么看 怎么觉得别扭。]
b3的为题其实关系到这几天我对让步段或者说转折段的思考，这种段落的意义是什么？有没有必要写？写了会不会削弱了自己前面的论述呢？以前我觉得这种段落很重要，因为是思维全面的表现，可是最近的几篇文章，根据网友的意见都觉得这种段落是个失败，在此想请问下各位的意见。到底这种段落和主体部分应该是怎么样的安排，谢谢！
:p

imongUID: 140258

不客气 呵呵
也可能是连词上出的问题。

socialization很重要 例如cooperation很重要
还是说 socialization很重要 in thatcooperation很重要
还是什么别的
连词要是没用准 整个逻辑关系一下子变扭的

明确提出的文章看的是准确回应有效论证  思维全面 什么时候另加上去的？ 呵呵。当然 这么说 有点极端了。跑题的部分 直接砍掉就是。

阿莱UID: 190806

我觉得搞清写作最重要的一点也是往往忽略的一点就是题目本身 好多问题 只需要仔细研究题目 就可以解决
再看题目
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
1。孩子的社会化决定了社会的命运
2。我们还没学会如何云云。

所以 写这篇文章我们要抓的点就是：1。是否孩子的社会化决定着社会的命运 2。我们究竟学会了没有

这样看来 思路马上就应该清晰多了吧？
b1 我可以理解为：承认了孩子的社会化决定了社会的命运 没错吧？
b2  我们的确没有学会……
b3  矛盾之处出现了。思路开始混乱了。这一段究竟写的是：并非孩子的社会化决定了社会的命运？还是别的意思？的确感觉不着边际了。

在我看来 b3大可以写为什么我们没有学会 或者 我们应该怎么做来解决这个问题

你大概在“让步”这个概念上存在着一定误区 呵呵
不过 如果把题目研究透彻了 也就不会犯这个错误了

LSDUID: 157855

谢谢阿莱!

everystepUID: 168194

I agree with the speaker's assertion that we have not prepared children with a sense of socialization which may determine our society’s future. Meanwhile, I must point out that the speaker overlooks other factors that can also help children make a better society.

Human beings by nature are social animals, and children stand for the future of our society, so if we want to see a bright destiny of our society, we must make children well socialized. Socialization is very important to a person since it teaches a person how to get along with others and make sure of one's success. For example, the ability of cooperation, which is an indispensable part of socialization, can play a vital role in people's careers and daily lives. A person who has built up well sense of cooperation when he/she was still a child may lead to his/her outstanding behaviours on profession. As a political leader, the sense of cooperation can help one make the society more prosperity by cooperating with other countries in the realms of political, economic, education and so forth. As a scientist, the sense of cooperation can help one get along well with other scientists in the research group and attain the final goal. As a work in a company, the sense of cooperation can help one collaborate with other workers and make their work more efficiency. In fact, Cooperation is only one composition of socialization, others such as the sense of competition, the ability of adapting to new environment and so on are equally as important as cooperation. From what I have stated above, we have learned its important significance, so we can see the essentiality of children's socialization.(color=blue这里与其翻来覆去论证合作重要，不如分开论证适应和竞争的重要性，这样有话可说，也不会太重复，你说呢/color)

Have we already learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society? In my observation, we have not. Many undesired phenomenon have informed us （that）we have not learned how to socialized children. Now, more and more employer（s） complain that the younger employees who graduate from colleges soon cannot make them satisfactory（satisfied） , since they seem haven't learned how to take a full responsibility of their social status even though they can acquire high scores when they are at school. New employees always have little collectivity sense and they are so individual and don’t know how to cooperate with others. Moreover, compare(compraed) with older employees, new employees have lower ability to endure pressures from their work and themselves and which cause them change work frequently. Hence, Unfortunately, I should say that our society has not fulfilled their responsibility to raise children who can construct a better society. The reason is that teachers and parents are (去掉 are)always emphasize the importance of school work and pursuing high mark while ignoring the real abilities discussed in the second paragraph.
However, the speaker failed to recognize that other important factors which can also do good to children's nurture and being positive impetus for our society’s progress. For instance, Martin Luther King, whose strong faiths of freedom and equality of human beings were not attribute to his socialization but due to his family's education. Similarly, Helen Keller's struggle for her individual value was also not for her socialization but result from her parents and teacher's encouragement. All of the foregoing figures have made great contribution to our society owing to their efforts, so we cannot omit other crucial factors beside children's socialization.这一段写得不错，语法再注意一点，不过是限时写的，很不错了

However, the speaker failed to recognize that other important factors which can also do good to children's nurture and being positive impetus for our society’s progress. For instance, Martin Luther King, whose strong faiths of freedom and equality of human beings were not attribute to his socialization but due to his family's education. （这里你可以用马丁同志的口吻，他认为---更有说服力，你觉得呢，纯属个人观点）Similarly, Helen Keller's struggle for her individual value was also not for her socialization but result from her parents and teacher's encouragement. All of the foregoing figures have made great contribution to our society owing to their efforts, so we cannot omit other crucial factors beside children's socialization.

In sum, we should pay great attention to children's socialization since it is core factor to insure children will（will改to） build up a better society in the future. What's more, people should be cognizant of other factors' role in influencing children's growth beside socialization.
不太会用变色，见谅阿，我尽快学
限时能写这么多，我真赶不上阿，
我也写了这一篇，有空看看，探讨探讨，这一篇比较绕，而且又是高频题，有必要好好准备，加油，加油

everystepUID: 168194

不好意思,帖子发晚了,上午改的晚上才发,我的意见楼上牛人都说过,太没创意了, :( 自责自责,为了补偿,下一篇发出来就帮忙改, :p

LSDUID: 157855

谢谢楼上，你的文章我会尽快看得:p