Argument1 第一篇,花了很多时间修改过,希望大家给点意见!

rsrsUID: 146479

前些天发了,没人理偶:(
找了个考过G的朋友让他提了点意见,然后重新组织了一下发上来...
目前刚入门,网吧里环境也太差.等上完新东方回学校以后一定回报大家!
=题目=
1.The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.

"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."

=正文=

The president intends to present a cogent demonstration of a conclusion that the company should build its next new store in Plainsville. To bolster the conclusion, the president provides previous experience, which has shown the stores of the company are more profitable in districts where people pay much attention to healthy lifestyles. Later, in order to prove Plainsville is just such a kind of place, some facts of present conditions and an analysis of a possible customer increase are given. However, the memorandum is full of critical problems.

Firstly, the so-called "previous experience" is too misty. Is the regularity concluded from accurate statistics? Maybe it is just an intuition according to the president's own experience, which does not reflect the truth. Without evidence, the claim of "previous experience" is doubtable, therefore fails to support the author's conclusion.

Secondly, even though the regularity truly exists, the following demonstration does not well aid the argument. The author mentions a report from local merchants, showing that an acme of sports shoes and clothing sales appears. Such evidence makes no sense because a good sale does not always lead to maximal profits. The author also describes a bright situation of a local club, which used to face crisis five years ago. Obviously, he or she assumes that local people's enthusiasm is the only or main reason to bring good business to the club, and this enthusiasm means a great demand of health-related products. The author's conclusion also relies on another assumption that the residents are willing to buy the products of the company to satisfy themselves. However, solid evidences are still missing. There can be other reasons for the club's prosperity, such as a better management, a better service, or more responsible prices. And the residents may not like the company's products or may not afford to buy them, either of which makes the author's second assumption improper.

Thirdly, the author analyzes the possibility of future customers--schoolchildren incompletely. Even if most schoolchildren accept the idea of "regular exercise at an early age", which is not always the case, they are not going to be called "a new generation of customers" unless their proportion of the clientele will certainly grow. Absent related statistics or surveys, the author's optimism seems inconvincible. It is entirely possible that, the schoolchildren there already play an important role in buying of health-related products, or in the opposite, the population of all schoolchildren is too small to be called "a generation", let alone the buyers.  

In sum, the argument is in lack of key evidences and considerations of all possibilities.  As a result, the conclusion is unreliable. To be more persuasive, the author should at least provide credible information to substantiate that people in Plainsville show great interests in purchasing the company's products. To make the conclusion more acceptable, the author must compare building a new store in Plainsville with other schemes the company can choose from, and this comparison must include the budget and anticipated proceeds.(497 words)

RMgXUID: 171911

第一段展开一点好些把？

PsychocandyUID: 171159

The president intends to present a cogent demonstration of a conclusion that the company should build its next new store in Plainsville. To bolster the conclusion, the president provides previous experience, which has shown the stores of the company are more profitable in districts where people pay much attention to healthy lifestyles. Later, in order to prove Plainsville is just such a kind of place, some facts of present conditions and an analysis of a possible customer increase are given. However, the memorandum is full of critical problems.

Firstly, the so-called "previous experience" is too misty. Is the regularity concluded from accurate statistics? Maybe it is just an intuition according to the president's own experience, which does not reflect the truth. Without evidence, the claim of "previous experience" is doubtable, therefore fails to support the author's conclusion.

Secondly, even though the regularity truly exists, the following demonstration does not well aid the argument. The author mentions a report from local merchants, showing that an acme of sports shoes and clothing sales appears. Such evidence makes no sense because a good sale does not always lead to maximal profits. The author also describes a bright situation of a local club, which used to face crisis five years ago. Obviously, he or she assumes that local people's enthusiasm is the only or main reason to bring good business to the club, and this enthusiasm means a great demand of health-related products. The author's conclusion also relies on another assumption that the residents are willing to buy the products of the company to satisfy themselves. However, solid evidences are still missing. There can be other reasons for the club's prosperity, such as a better management, a better service, or more responsible prices. And the residents may not like the company's products or may not afford to buy them, either of which makes the author's second assumption improper.

Thirdly, the author analyzes the possibility of future customers--schoolchildren incompletely. Even if most schoolchildren accept the idea of "regular exercise at an early age", which is not always the case, they are not going to be called "a new generation of customers" unless their proportion of the clientele will certainly grow. Absent related statistics or surveys, the author's optimism seems inconvincible. It is entirely possible that, the schoolchildren there already play an important role in buying of health-related products, or in the opposite, the population of all schoolchildren is too small to be called "a generation", let alone the buyers.

In sum, the argument is in lack of key evidences and considerations of all possibilities. As a result, the conclusion is unreliable. To be more persuasive, the author should at least provide credible information to substantiate that people in Plainsville show great interests in purchasing the company's products. To make the conclusion more acceptable, the author must compare building a new store in Plainsville with other schemes the company can choose from, and this comparison must include the budget and anticipated proceeds.(497 words)



很多生词，词汇挺高级的。

我是感觉楼主的用词太狠了，不够TACTFUL。
比如第一段 full of critical problems；第三段Such evidence makes no sense 。

还有我感觉组织的比较生硬，FIRST，SECOND，THIRD太僵了，可以换换别的过度。比如IN ADDITION 什么的。

还有，好象是DOUBTFUL比DOUBTABLE更常见。

个人意见，也请楼下的大侠一起讨论，多提意见。

楼主浙大的吧？
我比你整整早一个月考，快来不及了，
你时间还充足的很呢！

rsrsUID: 146479

我看到精华区一些文章说开头不要太长，尽量简洁，表明观点就可以
ETS说的是不用过多restate原题，评卷人知道你写的是哪个题目
所以我第一段就尽量缩减了
对于内容有什么意见吗？

MichaelOwenUID: 126513

应该是说BODY的第一段有些单薄

Yan JinhuaUID: 142182

我3月份考，我是采用restate的开头方法 至少我觉得不会跑题 而且写简洁的 精彩的自己目前的水平还创造不了 或者有很多别人的影子 所以这样比较保险

呵呵 纯属保守派不思进取呵呵