argument6 第一篇 希望帮我改改

shangyan84UID: 193229

Argument6 额外题库 第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！

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The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
'A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money.'
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Merely based on unfounded assumption and dubious evidence, the statement draws a conclusion that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. To substantiate the conclusion, the arguer points out evidence that there is only jazz club at there, jazz is so popular to the people of Monroe and the jazz fans will spend a lot of money every year. However, a careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is. The arguer ignores certain important concerns, which must be addressed to prove .In my point of view ,this argument suffers from three flaws.
   
First of all, the arguer think that there is no jazz club nearby would be a big advantage, but whether their club is suitable to the habitants, do they like their style? the arguer do not make a good survey. Although there is no jazz club , can other clubs have jazz music? If the native persons are interested in the specific jazz music. That is the first reason that i disagree with the arguer.
     
In addition ,the arguer think that in Monroe there must be so many jazz fans and they would like to consume in their club. The facts that "over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe" can not prove that there must be so many jazz fans, the popular of the jazz festival may be a travel project of Monroe, which abstracts so many people .Maybe there is a good place which is suitable to live of the popular stars. Furthermore, even if the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly support the view that there are so many jazz fans, and it is very possible that they do not like to go to jazz club ,they maybe enjoy music lonely  at home or go to the live shows. So, the consumers of the jazz club are uncertain . That is another reason that   the club is a" tremendously "profitable enterprise is a uncertain thing.
      
Finally the arguer provide a "valid" fact that a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fans spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. But the arguer do not have a study that whether the jazz fans of Monroe reach the level of the nation, if Monroe has  the lowest  living level, the club will not have the profit. Granted that they reach the national level, It is not certain that the jazz fans consume at jazz club, they could spend money at buying CD or the tickets of the jazz show.
      
To sum up ,the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis dose not lend strong support to arguer's claim. To make the argument more convincing ,the arguer should have a specific survey to native person to have specific evidence.

shangyan84UID: 193229

大家帮我改改吧， 我第一次写，用了模板的东西。
有那位大侠指点一下啊
非常感谢了。

shangyan84UID: 193229

给点意见吧