issue154(教育类)我的第二篇，望批改

fakeluUID: 181688

Issue154
“Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators.”
1观点：同意
2父母的责任
3社会的责任
4学校的责任
5需要联合(总结)
With the development of the science and technologies, the demand in both attaining mass knowledge and having well-rounded personality to the persons live in contemporary society become more and more high. So we need to place more emphasize on education that can help us. Some feel that it is the duty of schools to offer round education and parents and our society can do little. I do not agree with that opinion. Conversely, I assert that the schools, the parents and the whole society should all involve in the education.

Parents are the first teachers of the children and the home is their first school that can affect them seriously. When they come to the new world, the babies learn from their parents to speak and to act. It is reported that the period when the child is 3 to 5 years old is the most important time to form his/her own personality and values towards the world under the infect of their parents. It is clear that how important the parents are! Besides, we all have the common sense that the children from a unharmonious home often have distorted personalities and have more potential to break the law which can be justified by a lot of reports about “the youth problem” on newspapers and TV.

In the other hand, the society should also offer a harmonious environment for our children. First, the society is a “big school” in which every one can absorb not only the treasure of the nation but also be infected by the bad or passive thoughts. It is impossible for a student not to touch with the society. Only the society offer more good things, can the children grow healthily. Second, the society can benefit from its contributions. The society is the final place everyone must to go to. The graduates with good abilities and good personalities can do more contributions to the society that make the society more and more prosperous and stable. That is a good circle.

After all, a school is the specialized institute to teach students. It offers round curriculum to give the students necessary and basic knowledge, the ability to research and good personality. We should not only believe schools but also involve in the educational process. If the education is left solely to schools, the results of the education will be bitter fruits from which the society has to suffer.

In a sum, the purpose of the education is to prepare children to attain the ability to compete in society and to help them form good personality and values for a better life. To this goal, the parents, schools and the society must combine together.  （446）

鬼谷子UID: 159645

https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=251538
你们两个写的都是教育类，互相帮助一下吧

medwinUID: 189909

With the development of the science and technologies（这个是抽象的技术，应用technology）, the demand in both attaining mass knowledge and having well-rounded personality to the persons live（我觉得用for the people's live为好） in contemporary society become（becomes，主语是demand） more and more high. So we need to place more emphasize on education that can help us. Some feel that it is the duty of schools to offer round education and（不妨用while，后面还有一个and） parents and our society can do little. I do not agree with that opinion. Conversely, I assert that the schools, the parents and the whole society should all involve（be involved，involve是及物动词） in the education.

Parents are the first teachers of the children and the home is their first school that can affect them seriously. When they come to the new world, the babies learn from their parents to speak and to act. It is reported that the period when the child is 3 to 5 years old is the most important time to form his/her own personality and values towards the world under the infect（effect，infect是传染） of their parents. It is clear that how important the parents are! Besides, we all have the common sense that the children from a unharmonious home often have distorted personalities and have more potential to break the law which can be justified by a lot of reports about “the youth problem” on newspapers and TV.

In（On） the other hand, the society should also offer a harmonious environment for our children. First, the society is a “big school” in which every one can absorb not only the treasure of the nation but also be infected by the bad or passive thoughts. It is impossible for a student not to touch with the society. Only （when）the society offer more good things, can the children grow healthily. Second, the society can benefit from its contributions. The society is the final place everyone must to go to. The graduates with good abilities and good personalities can do more contributions to the society that（and，这里用that引导什么重句） make the society more and more prosperous and stable. That is a good circle.

After all, a school is the specialized institute to teach students. It offers round curriculum to give the students necessary and basic knowledge, the ability to research and good personality. We should not only believe schools but also involve in the educational process. If the education is left solely to schools, the results of the education will be bitter fruits from which the society has to suffer. （后面这两句放在这一段似乎不太好，因为这一段应该主要论述学校也承担很重要的教学责任，这两句话可以插到前面的论述）

In a（不要a） sum, the purpose of the education is to prepare children to attain the ability to compete in society and to help them form good personality and values for a better life. To this goal, the parents, schools and the society must combine together.

总评：
文章第一段观点提出很清楚直接，接下来按三个分论点进行论述，结构清晰。
其中第一个body的例子很不错，并且从两个方面分析，十分有力。
第二个body说理也不错。不过第三个body略显单薄。
因为论点是教育需要家庭，社会，学校三方面的努力，所以这三个方面应该以同样的深度进行论证，篇幅也应该相当。抛开第四段后两句的问题不说，第四段关于学校的论述十分简单。
此外，如果还能写一段，论点是家庭，社会，学校三方面相结合，使教育成果达到最佳，则可以更全面的支撑论点，例子可以举高校组织社会活动提高学生能力，等等。
最后结尾段还算达到了总结的目的，可是表述上有重复感，好像句子前面已经出现过，可以多参考范文。

希望你能帮我改改https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=251538