Issue151 开学后写的第一篇，感觉比前面几篇差了好多，科技类，希望各位G友多给意

staralwaysUID: 193479

“High-speed electronic communications media, such as electronic mail and televisions, tend to prevent from meaningful and thoughtful communication.”

When people face the question: How dose high-speed electronic communication media affect our communication? Some protestors of such media would like to say, like the statement above, that meaningful and thoughtful communication are hampered due to such tools. But careful reflection on this matter shows us that those high-speed electronic communication media is much a helper in our interaction with others.

Admittedly, to some extent, high-speed electronic communication media has negative influence on people’s way of communication. Many people are seem to trying to catch up with the processing speed of such media, their communication with each other are much more quicker and shorter, evening creating some abbreviations for words and phrases. Given this situation, we cannot expect that they can have meaningful and thoughtful interactions. But just like the coin, each matter has two aspects, one negative while the other positive. And as the topic we’re concerning, high-speed electronic communication media shows its ability more on the positive side, due to the following analysis.

Firstly, because of high-speed electronic communication media, along with the rapid development of the Internet, people can interact with each other now at will, and thus own a more convenient way to carry out meaningful and thoughtful communication. Admittedly, traditional means, such as writing letters, dose give individuals chance to develop insightful ideas. But they have to wait a long time for the letters because of transportation. Now, with the high-speed electronic tools, they need no longer to wait, at the same time keeping their communication still meaningful. Consider the following situation. The directors of a cross-nation corporation work at different parts of the world. When there’re some emergencies occur, for example, some problems are discovered in their products, they can have visual meeting through the network immediately to discuss the solutions. The result would probably be a request to an investigation to the problems and an adjustment of the market strategy of the current ones. In this case, the visual meeting plays a vital role in the quick response. Due to its quality of high-speed, such communication media dose a lot in developing meaningful and thoughtful communications.

Secondly, high-speed electronic communication media has shortened the distance between separated families, relatives and friends. With the help of such media, family members in different cities can discuss how the tackle with serious problems within the family, such as financial crisis; with the assistance of such tools, relatives living far away can share the happiness of another family member’s success in his career; still, with such media and tools, friend from different parts of a nation can discuss their perspectives on topics like life long objections. In a word, many facts, ideas and thoughts can be developed because of those electronic communication media. They bring us closer in a world that is more and more isolated.

Finally, for some questions, the electronic communication media, together with the Internet, can bring more people to take part in the discussion. We are know that brainstorm can bring us more detailed and deepened comprehension of the matter, thus generate more insightful and constructive way to solve the problems. Therefore, the mead, which gives access to all the participants, contributes a lot to meaningful and thoughtful communication.

To sum up, while there dose exists negative influence on our communication, high-speed electronic communication media in fact is a assistant in the process of interaction for people with others and therefore helps people to develop meaningful and thoughtful communications. We should keep utilizing the positive ability of such tools, while keep an eye on its negative.


好象还是机经的说？这次连提纲都没列上来，主要是因为在写的时候把整个逻辑改了下，加了开头第二段的让步。整篇文章感觉很空，也长，Body居然写了三个部分。真是又臭又长。本来想科技类的东东应该蛮好写，结果却大扫兴。希望各位不要吝啬砖头啊，这几天写得都不敢发上来了。

davidjackyUID: 135962

坦白的说，文章要改的地方很多，找个战友好好互改一下，这个题目比较重要。另外，抱歉，没有时间给你好好看

staralwaysUID: 193479

顶一下。
哪位战友好心帮我细看一下啊？一定回拍的。
我也知道这篇不好，所以发上来请大家给出意见的！

thminUID: 192642

我来帮你顶，给你修改过了。不过我是新手，所以不会用变色工具，凑合看吧。
我有同主题写作，有链接的，麻烦你帮忙看看吧，千万别手下留情。我刚开始练，谢谢了。

When people face the question: How dose(does) high-speed electronic communication media affect our communication?(这一句应该和下一句连成一个句子)Some protestors of such media would like to say, like the statement above, that meaningful and thoughtful communication are hampered due to such tools. But careful reflection on this matter shows us that those high-speed electronic communication media is (are) much a helper in our interaction with others.

Admittedly, to some extent, high-speed electronic communication media has( media的谓语应该是与复数一致，后略) negative influence on people’s way of communication. Many people are(去掉are) seem to trying(try) to catch up with the processing speed of such media, their communication with each other are much more quicker and shorter, evening(even) creating some abbreviations for words and phrases. Given this situation, we cannot expect that they can have meaningful and thoughtful interactions. (好象这个例子不太说明问题)But just like the coin, each matter has two aspects(这个表达好象有点不太地道，具体怎么说的忘了), one negative while the other positive. And as the topic we’re concerning, high-speed electronic communication media shows its ability more on the positive side, due to the following analysis.(这一段有点罗嗦，建议简练一些或干脆合并到首段，因为你说的是和首段的末句相同的东西)

Firstly, because of high-speed electronic communication media, along with the rapid development of the Internet, people can interact with each other now at will, and thus own a more convenient way to carry out meaningful and thoughtful communication. Admittedly, traditional means, such as writing letters, dose(does) give individuals chance to develop insightful ideas. But they have to wait a long time for the letters because of transportation. Now, with the high-speed electronic tools, they need no longer to wait, at the same time keeping their communication still meaningful. (这里应该加一个承上启下的连词)Consider the following situation. The directors of a cross-nation corporation(跨国公司一般说成multinational corporation) work at different parts of the world. When there’re some emergencies occur(去掉occur), for example, some(一句话里又出现some显得有点重复) problems are discovered in their products, they can have visual meeting through the network immediately to discuss the solutions. The result would probably be a request to an investigation to the problems and an adjustment of the market strategy of the current ones.(这句有点绕口) In this case, the visual meeting plays a vital role in the quick response. Due to its quality of high-speed, such communication media dose(does) a lot in developing meaningful and thoughtful communications.(我觉得你这段的重点在于新媒介的快速，而不在于让人们实现有意义和有思想的交流，扣题不太严)

Secondly, high-speed electronic communication media has shortened the distance between separated families, relatives and friends. With the help of such media, family members in different cities can discuss how the(they) tackle with serious problems within the family(这个介词短语显得有点累赘), such as financial crisis; with the assistance of such tools, relatives living far away can share the happiness of another family member’s success in his career; still, with such media and tools, friend from different parts of a nation can discuss their perspectives on topics like life long objections(topics like life long objections?什么意思？). In a word, many facts, ideas and thoughts can be developed because of(看到这里才觉得你的because of用得太多了，其实这里一个简单的by就可以了) those electronic communication media. They bring us closer in a world that is more and more isolated.(此话怎讲？感觉前后矛盾啊)

Finally, for some questions(感觉楼主这里有点受中文思维影响，可以去掉，然后加在句尾，改成…the discussion to some questions), the electronic communication media, together with the Internet, can bring more people to take part in the discussion. We are know(‘are know’?) that brainstorm can bring us more detailed and deepened comprehension of the matter, thus generate more insightful and constructive way to solve the problems.(这个关于头脑风暴的句子很好！) Therefore, the mead(这个词是什么？), which gives access to all the participants, contributes a lot to meaningful and thoughtful communication.(这段分析得不错，但缺少论据)

To sum up, while there dose(does) exists negative influence on our communication, high-speed electronic communication media in fact is a assistant in the process of interaction for people with others and therefore helps people to develop meaningful and thoughtful communications. We should keep utilizing the positive ability of such tools, while keep(keeping) an eye on its negative.

我感觉你的语言有的还不够简练和清晰。但是文章的大致层次还是清楚的。关于说服力，也还有一定欠缺，第一个分论点不十分扣题，如此看来第二和第三个分论点就显得有点单薄了。