ISSUE185 同主题写作

sblbaslerUID: 175229

In the era of high democracy leading to the promotion of people’s attention on affairs in every corner of the society, scandals raised as the bamboo shoot after the rain. There exists a pop belief that scandal-----whether in politics, arts, or other areas------ could be useful and plays an essential role in focusing people’s attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could. Opponents, however, are not rare. On balancing the two points of view, I maintain that scandal, to some extent, can be useful, we hope, however, we ourselves----- whether speakers or reformers---- rather than the possible usefulness of scandal can drive us attention on the problems, more crucially, resolve them.

First, scandals, as most cases in the history presented, have their merits, we cannot, however, equate scandals with its usefulness. One should enhance the belief that scandals, no matter what effects it can bring to us, are unfavorable. Under the scandals belie a great number of tragedies even disasters: WorldCom Scandal, inducing its stock price plummeted from 64.50 dollars to 9 cents, made countless stockholders lose all what he or she ever owned just in a night; The widespread of SARS due to the Chinese government’s unfolding to the public caused thousands of citizens’ innocent death; Corruption, in the high place in the government among many countries, contributes to the backslide of a society by abusing the financial investment greatly. On the other hand, as I have mentioned, scandals have their merits. Even one cannot see through what belied under a scandal, he or she, however, can be aware of what has happened above the scandal: warned by corruption, central government begins to punish the fault severely than ever; startled by SARS, the government commence to take actions to prevent it from suffering the other citizens. Therefore, what one should do is not only expect the scandals to expose the shadow of the society but preclude the scandals to enlighten the shadow of the society.

Second, it is not our hope that scandals deserve as such a useful way in focusing people’s attention on the problems that no speaker or reformer ever could, but expose the problems by ourselves and resolve them. Sometimes, scandals does not resolve as many problems as they expose them, few indeed-----even indirectly: During the history of America, especially in the area of politics, President changed, House speakers changed, minister changed, it is similar that scandals, which were exposed countless times, remained no matter who was in charge; American Army, which is protecting the peace of Iraq, involve in a series of sexual scandals by abusing the prisoner as ten years ago they did to their own comrades in arms. The scandals exposed the problems indeed, no effects emerged besides the practitioners’ changing from officer A to officer B or from their compatriots to their alleged enemies. By contrast, what we need to do is to avoid the mistakes, find them when failure to avoid it, correct them after successfully found it. That is the most effective way in focusing people’s attention on the problems and resolve them.

To sum up, Scandals, to some extent, equate corruptions, failures, disgrace, or offending incidents, at the same time, however, scandals show the degree of democracy as well (in here, I do not advocate that more scandals raised in a government more democratic it is. But we can conclude that a government without any scandals is not a Utopia but an autarchy ). We hope that scandal can be avoided, even appeared----in a positive way. This will not be finished in the recent years. Nor will be finished in some president’s administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on the planet. But what’s essential is that we have begun.

kkytUID: 188814

好 偶来学习

apolloxpUID: 156355

写标题的时候把issue185几个字放在前面
这回替你改了，下回注意
另，题目最好还是贴出来，举手之劳嘛

rsrsUID: 146479

In the era of high democracy leading to the promotion of people’s attention on affairs in every corner of the society, scandals raised as the bamboo shoot after the rain. There exists a pop belief that scandal-----whether in politics, arts, or other areas------ could be useful and plays an essential role in focusing people’s attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could. Opponents, however, are not rare. On balancing the two points of view, I maintain that scandal, to some extent, can be useful, we hope, however, we ourselves----- whether speakers or reformers---- rather than the possible usefulness of scandal can drive us attention on the problems, more crucially, resolve them.这个句子写得……怎么说，不利索。而且你的意思好像是把we当作speakers/reformers, 这种处理我不大同意.

First, scandals, as most cases in the history presented, have their merits, we cannot, however, equate scandals with its usefulness. One should enhance the belief that scandals, no matter what effects it can bring to us, are unfavorable. Under the scandals belie a great number of tragedies even disasters: WorldCom Scandal, inducing its stock price plummeted from 64.50 dollars to 9 cents, made countless stockholders lose all what he or she ever owned just in a night; The widespread of SARS due to the Chinese government’s unfolding to the public caused thousands of citizens’ innocent death; Corruption, in the high place in the government among many countries, contributes to the backslide of a society by abusing the financial investment greatly. On the other hand, as I have mentioned, scandals have their merits. Even one cannot see through what belied under a scandal, he or she, however, can be aware of what has happened above the scandal: warned by corruption, central government begins to punish the fault severely than ever; startled by SARS, the government commence to take actions to prevent it from suffering the other citizens. Therefore, what one should do is not only expect the scandals to expose the shadow of the society but preclude the scandals to enlighten the shadow of the society.

Second, it is not our hope that scandals deserve as such a useful way in focusing people’s attention on the problems that no speaker or reformer ever could, but expose the problems by ourselves and resolve them. Sometimes, scandals does not resolve as many problems as they expose them, few indeed-----even indirectly: During the history of America, especially in the area of politics, President changed, House speakers changed, minister changed, it is similar that scandals, which were exposed countless times, remained no matter who was in charge; American Army, which is protecting the peace of Iraq, involve in a series of sexual scandals by abusing the prisoner as ten years ago they did to their own comrades in arms. The scandals exposed the problems indeed, no effects emerged besides the practitioners’ changing from officer A to officer B or from their compatriots to their alleged enemies. By contrast, what we need to do is to avoid the mistakes, find them when failure to avoid it, correct them after successfully found it. That is the most effective way in focusing people’s attention on the problems and resolve them.

To sum up, Scandals, to some extent, equate corruptions, failures, disgrace, or offending incidents, at the same time, however, scandals show the degree of democracy as well (in here, I do not advocate that more scandals raised in a government more democratic it is. But we can conclude that a government without any scandals is not a Utopia but an autarchy ). We hope that scandal can be avoided, even appeared----in a positive way. This will not be finished in the recent years. Nor will be finished in some president’s administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on the planet. But what’s essential is that we have begun.

文章中用了多处插入语和排比，可能是你的风格吧:) 不过我看起来就觉得一顿一顿的，有时不是很流畅了。不知是不是自己水平问题……另外，你在结论段中关于democracy 的论述虽然是基本合理的，但是由于前面差不多全都在说scandals作用有限－其本身导致的后果是让人不愉快的－还需要后续工作且不能依赖于丑闻来发现问题，现在却又不惜笔墨肯定scandals的意义，似乎不是很合适

粗评，欢迎讨论呵

sblbaslerUID: 175229

首先接受 apolloxp的批评，我以为既然同主题写就不用写题目呢，呵呵（自以为是了）下回会注意的！
其次，感谢rsrs的修改，我的想法主要是从一个折衷的角度来看待scandal的，就想我结尾括号中写的那样in here, I do not advocate that more scandals raised in a government more democratic it is. But we can conclude that a government without any scandals is not a Utopia but an autarchy。
去帮你改去了！

kkytUID: 188814

变色前的文字。例如：<br>
A good tool.不如改为A useful/helpful tool.In the era of high democracy leading to the promotion of people’s attention on affairs in every corner of the society, scandals raised as the bamboo shoot after the rain比喻好啊. There exists a pop belief that scandal-----whether in politics, arts, or other areas------ could be useful and plays an essential role in focusing people’s attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could. Opponents, however, are not rare. On balancing the two points of view, I maintain that scandal, to some extent, can be useful, we hope, however, we ourselves----- whether speakers or reformers---- rather than the possible usefulness of scandal can drive us attention on the problems, more crucially, resolve them. 不错的开头

First, scandals, as most cases in the history presented, have their merits, we cannot, however, equate scandals with its usefulness.偶请教以下merit 和usefulness 有什么区别而且首段你说the possible usefulness of scandal,又不承认了？ One should enhance the belief that scandals, no matter what effects it can bring to us, are unfavorable. Under the scandals belie a great number of tragedies even disasters: WorldCom Scandal, inducing its stock price plummeted from 64.50 dollars to 9 cents, made countless stockholders lose all what he or she ever owned just in a night; The widespread of SARS due to the Chinese government’s unfolding to the public caused thousands of citizens’ innocent death; Corruption, in the high place in the government among many countries, contributes to the backslide of a society by abusing the financial investment greatly. On the other hand, as I have mentioned, scandals have their merits. Even one cannot see through what belied under a scandal, he or she, however, can be aware of what has happened above the scandal: warned by corruption, central government begins to punish the fault severely than ever; startled by SARS, the government commence to take actions to prevent it from suffering the other citizens. Therefore, what one should do is not only expect the scandals to expose the shadow of the society but preclude the scandals to enlighten the shadow of the society.好多排比感觉不错啊，就是该段的让步太长了，没有突出TS句，建议少写点让步

  Second, it is not our hope that scandals deserve as such a useful way in focusing people’s attention on the problems that no speaker or reformer ever could, but expose the problems by ourselves and resolve them. 这句语法有问题Sometimes, scandals does not resolve as many problems as they expose them, few indeed-----even indirectly: During the history of America, especially in the area of politics, President changed, House speakers changed, minister changed, it is similar that scandals, which were exposed countless times, remained no matter who was in charge; American Army, which is protecting the peace of Iraq, involve in a series of sexual scandals by abusing the prisoner as ten years ago they did to their own comrades in arms. The scandals exposed the problems indeed, no effects emerged besides the practitioners’ changing from officer A to officer B or from their compatriots to their alleged enemies. By contrast, what we need to do is to avoid the mistakes, find them when failure to avoid it, correct them after successfully found it. That is the most effective way in focusing people’s attention on the problems and resolves them. 思路不错，论证也不错

To sum up, Scandals, to some extent, equate corruptions, failures, disgrace, or offending incidents, at the same time, however, scandals show the degree of democracy as well (in here, I do not advocate that more scandals raised in a government more democratic it is. But we can conclude that a government without any scandals is not a Utopia but an autarchy ). We hope that scandal can be avoided, even appeared----in a positive way. This will not be finished in the recent years. Nor will be finished in some president’s administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on the planet. But what’s essential is that we have begun.结尾提出民主不恰当，还不如在来一段呢

sblbaslerUID: 175229

首先感谢kkyt的修改，对与您提的问题我是这样想的，
1。我是说scandal can be useful (但不一定useful) 我的第一个BODY讲的就是这个事儿
2。大家都提到我最后关于democracy的论述，这篇文章总的基调是负〉正，而最后一段也没有变，第一句可以说是正负相等，但最后我还是提出要避免呀！

鬼鬼不是说要看看我这个双否定的么，怎么没有了呢？？期待ing

鬼谷子UID: 159645

不好意思
刚刚翻了无数帖子找以前185的好作文，眼睛花了
晚上给你看吧

sblbaslerUID: 175229

这么快就回了，效率呀！谢谢鬼鬼了！

鬼谷子UID: 159645

In the era of high democracy leading to 【专才通才范文的句式，好是好，不过用的人太多，可以考虑换一下】the promotion of people’s attention 【这个表达我觉得不妥】 on affairs in every corner of the society, scandals raised as the bamboo shoot after the rain. 【中文的成语，不知道是否英文也有同样的意思。而且，前后的联系似乎不是很成立】There exists a pop 【最好用正式的语言，popular】belief that scandal-----whether in politics, arts, or other areas------ could be useful and plays an essential role in focusing people’s attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could. Opponents, however, are not rare. On balancing the two points of view, I maintain that scandal, to some extent, can be useful, we hope, 【为什么要说hope呢？】 however, we ourselves----- whether speakers or reformers---- 【怎么能说我们是speakers or reformers呢？】rather than the possible usefulness of scandal can drive us attention on the problems, more crucially, resolve them. 【似乎分成了1＋1的形式，前面的赞同，后面的反对，且深入提出解决问题是关键。跟我原来以为的全否似乎不同】

First, scandals, as most cases in the history presented, have their merits, we cannot, however, equate scandals with its usefulness. 【不能把丑闻和其用处等同？这两个应该是整体和部分的关系。部分和整体怎么能够比较呢？这个论点提出的存在问题】 One should enhance the belief that scandals, no matter what effects it can bring to us, are unfavorable. 【这里体现出来了对于丑闻的否定】 Under the scandals belie a great number of tragedies even disasters: WorldCom Scandal, inducing its stock price plummeted from 64.50 dollars to 9 cents, made countless stockholders lose all what he or she ever owned just in a night; The widespread of SARS due to the Chinese government’s unfolding to the public caused thousands of citizens’ innocent death; 【innocent应该用来修饰citizen，death of thousands of innocent citizens】Corruption, in the high place in the government among many countries, contributes to the backslide of a society by abusing the financial investment greatly【这里几个方面的列举是不错的】. On the other hand, as I have mentioned, scandals have their merits. Even one cannot see through what belied under a scandal, he or she, however, can be aware of what has happened above【？】 the scandal: warned by corruption, central government begins to punish the fault severely than ever; startled by SARS, the government commence to take actions to prevent it from suffering the other citizens. Therefore, what one should do is not only expect the scandals to expose the shadow of the society but preclude the scandals to enlighten the shadow of the society. 【说了害处，又说了好处，最后归结到我们应该怎么做上面，是否不一致呢？】

Second, it is not our hope that scandals deserve as such a useful way in focusing people’s attention on the problems that no speaker or reformer ever could, but expose the problems by ourselves and resolve them. 【病句，前面用了it is that的强调句式，后面却用了一个动宾的结构，不一致。】Sometimes, scandals does not resolve as many problems as they expose them, few indeed-----even indirectly【丑闻当然不能解决问题，解决问题的主体应该是人，所以，如果你非要用scandal当主语的话也应该是丑闻不能促使我们解决问题】: During the history of America, especially in the area of politics, President changed, House speakers changed, minister changed, it is similar that scandals, which were exposed countless times, remained no matter who was in charge; 【前面说的是change，后面说丑闻不变，怎么能够说是similar呢？】American Army, which is protecting the peace of Iraq, involve in a series of sexual scandals by abusing the prisoner as ten years ago they did to their own comrades in arms. The scandals exposed the problems indeed, no effects emerged besides the practitioners’ 【从业者？】 changing from officer A to officer B or from their compatriots to their alleged enemies. 【从同胞到敌人？是说受害者吗？前面的是犯罪者吧，两个怎么能够并列呢？】 By contrast, what we need to do is to avoid the mistakes, find them when failure to avoid it, correct them after successfully found it. That is the most effective way in focusing people’s attention on the problems and resolve them. 【一个问题，总是把论述归结到我们应该怎么做上面我觉得不妥，我觉得考虑的重点还是应该在于丑闻useful与否上面】

To sum up, Scandals, to some extent, equate corruptions, failures, disgrace, or offending incidents, at the same time, however, scandals show the degree of democracy as well (in here, I do not advocate that more scandals raised in a government more democratic it is. But we can conclude that a government without any scandals is not a Utopia but an autarchy ). We hope that scandal can be avoided, even appeared----in a positive way. This will not be finished in the recent years. Nor will be finished in some president’s administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on the planet. But what’s essential is that we have begun. 【后面说的有点跑了】
【基本上还是反对的观点，所以开头的论点应该稍稍修改一下，merit的地方完全可以不说了，然后再行文中用让步表示就可以了。还有就是我提到的归结到我们应该怎么做的问题，我觉得这个不是题目的重点，不应该在每段的后面都如此总结。如果你要引申出这样的观点的话你可以在B1B2论述清楚你的中心观点之后，用一个B3来引申出来这样的内容。加油！】

sblbaslerUID: 175229

谢谢鬼鬼了

sblbaslerUID: 175229

The scandals exposed the problems indeed, no effects emerged besides the practitioners’ changing from officer A to officer B or from their compatriots to their alleged enemies.
其实我的意思是"S 只是把问题暴露出来, 没有任何实际的效果,除了参与者从官员A变到了官员B,受害者从同胞变成了所谓的敌人(指的是存在在美国军队中的性丑闻,以前有过对自己的战友进行性侵犯,而现在变成了对待伊拉克战俘,这也许是丑闻所引起的一种爱国意义上的进步吧,其实我想来点讽刺的,但由于遣词造句有问题大家都没看出来,郁闷///))