Issue185 第2篇 同主题作文，迟到了，请求批改

thinking in GTUID: 195028

Issue185  第2篇 同主题作文，请求批改
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：42分19秒     531words
从2005年2月3日22时18分到2005年2月3日22时37分
本来想用david介绍的方方面面法展开，晚上实验烧掉几个管子，心有余悸中，竟然忘了原来的思路，来个不伦不类的限时作文吧。我的第二篇上传：引例的运用。
哪位大虾能指点一下句式的连贯性，看起来缺少逻辑，句子比较散，可能是练习的不够的原因。不胜感激！！
------题目------
Scandals—whether in politics, academia, or other areas—can be useful. They focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.
------正文------
"Family scandals should not be raised outside." This saying is going to point out that the scandal which is spread to public is useless but even harmful. Undoubtedly, scandals is what we human beings naturally abominate but hardly in history can it be eradicated or eliminated. Actually, scandal always appeals to an offense that outrages the public conscience or damages the integrity of an organization or group, but I still consider that it can be useful which not only in negative aspect but also in positive aspect.

In the first place, how can scandals be useful. Although at the first glance it seems to be sheer nonsense, the assertion really concentrates people's attention on problem in unique ways. The effecting and power of this way is even stronger than speakers or reformers ever could. Take the famous singer "Jackson" as an example. Maybe scandals are not beneficial to him, but some mass media company can earn much from the audience rating and live broadcasting rights of the trial. Without the malicious gossip, he maybe is still a common singer and dancer now. In financial area, some scandals may affect the stock which blows up and down. Some venture capital investor, such as George Soros, can take a lot of benefit from it.

Furthermore, generally speaking everything is useful. Under this circumstance, it is obvious that the scandals are useful which is determined what kind of stand point be taken to look at this scandal. Common sense tells us that the value of scandal is subjected to moral, therefore scandals are pernicious. Their detrimental impacts on the health of human politics, academia, or other areas are sometimes alarming. The notorious Watergate Affair is a case in point. But clearly, viewed from another perspective, the scandal was useful to some politicians. Financial scandals may also shed light on the argument. For example, 1804-73, American manufacturer, railroad promoter, and politician, B. Easton, Mass, managed the family’s well-known shovel factory at Easton. The business grew under demands from the expanding Midwest frontier and the Western gold diggings. Active in founding the Republican Party in Massachusetts, Ames served in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1863 to 1873. Interested in the construction of the Union Pacific RR, Ames secured control of the Credit Mobilier of America after ousting T.C. Durant, its founder. The financial scandals of that company brought upon Ames in 1872 public disgrace and the censure of Congress.(原来的例子不好，这个是引例是后加的)

Admittedly, overemphasizing the importance and value of the scandal may prevent people from optimize thinking and struggling hard for reputation. Some people will take illegal methods to be focused by public to obtain their fame. But this is ridiculous that we hope to live in a scandal-free society that everyone is active, kind and honest. "God will award those who struggle hard. "

To sum up, scandal in our contemporary society can be useful not only in negative aspect but also in positive aspect. It do attract the public that even more effective than speaker or reformer, which be used by different kind of persons for different kind of purposes. However, I fundamentally and firmly advocate we human beings survive and thrive in a scandal-free society.

鬼谷子UID: 159645

我来了
昨天还欠你一篇
今天一起帮你改了

alinazhUID: 187151

占下了，改完发上来！！

我的新文章，谢谢！！帮忙看看！！
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=252390 issue207

zhangqiang928UID: 188538

占个座，回头贴上

will_foreverUID: 193568

"Family scandals should not be raised outside." This saying is going to point out that the scandal which is spreadspreads to public is useless but even harmful. 家丑不可外扬这样理解是不是有点偏颇了，它应该指的是人的心理作用不想让这样的“丑事”让外人知道，而不在于它对社会是否有害吧。个人认为这样开头不好！Undoubtedly, scandals isare what we human beings naturally abominate but hardly in history can it不要 be eradicated or eliminated. Actually, scandal always appeals to an offense that outrages the public conscience or damages the integrity of an organization or group, but I still consider that it can be useful which not only in negative aspect but also in positive aspect??.

In the first place, how can scandals be useful. Although at the first glance it seems to be sheer nonsense, the assertion really concentrates people's attention on problem in unique ways. The effecting and power of this way is even stronger than speakers or reformers ever could. Take the famous singer "Jackson" as an example. Maybe scandals are not beneficial to him, but some mass media company can earn much from the audience rating and live broadcasting rights of the trial. Without the malicious gossip, he maybe is still a common singer and dancer now. In financial area, some scandals may affect the stock which blows up and down. Some venture capital investor, such as George Soros, can take a lot of benefit from it.

Furthermore, generally speaking everything is useful. Under this circumstance, it is obvious that the scandals are useful which is determined what kind of stand point be taken to look at this scandal. Common sense tells us that the value of scandal is subjected to moral, therefore scandals are pernicious. Their detrimental impacts on the health of human politics, academia, or other areas are sometimes alarming. The notorious Watergate Affair is a case in point. But clearly, viewed from another perspective, the scandal was useful to some politicians. Financial scandals may also shed light on the argument. For example, 1804-73, American manufacturer, railroad promoter, and politician, B. Easton, Mass, managed the family’s well-known shovel factory at Easton. The business grew under demands from the expanding Midwest frontier and the Western gold diggings. Active in founding the Republican Party in Massachusetts, Ames served in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1863 to 1873. Interested in the construction of the Union Pacific RR, Ames secured control of the Credit Mobilier of America after ousting T.C. Durant, its founder. The financial scandals of that company brought upon Ames in 1872 public disgrace and the censure of Congress.(原来的例子不好，这个是引例是后加的)
别的先不说，先说你这两段的ts吧，中心句的作用根本就没发挥出来，而且这两句应该也不是什么中心句吧
Admittedly, overemphasizing the importance and value of the scandal may prevent people from optimize thinking and struggling hard for reputation. Some people will take illegal methods to be focused by public to obtain their fame. But this is ridiculous that we hope to live in a scandal-free society that everyone is active, kind and honest. "God will award those who struggle hard. "
这里你提到的是过度强调的危害，但你的首段中提到的是说scandal的有用性，这一段是不是有点唐突？
To sum up, scandal in our contemporary society can be useful not only in negative aspect but also in positive aspect. It do attract the public that even more effective than speaker or reformer, which be used by different kind of persons for different kind of purposes. However, I fundamentally and firmly advocate we human beings survive and thrive in a scandal-free society.
你的结尾段中也只是提到scandal can be useful，这样来看你的倒数第二段根本就没什么作用嘛
另外，存在不少语法问题
加油！

will_foreverUID: 193568

hehe,不好意思，先大致给你看一下！

thinking in GTUID: 195028

To will_forever:
谢过先，低级错误我会注意的，结构上的问题不少啊，
开头我只是想表示common sense，上课时可要仔细想想了
下午回来修改。学姐多帮忙啊

yogurt4UID: 198389

Scandals—whether in politics, academia, or other areas—can be useful. They focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.
------正文------
"Family scandals should not be raised outside." This saying is going to point out that the scandal which is spread to public is useless 家丑不可外扬好象不是这个意思,欠妥butand吧 even harmful. Undoubtedly, scandals isare what we human beings naturally abominate but hardly in history can itthey be eradicated or eliminated. Actually, scandal always appeals tobe an offense that outrages the public conscience or damages the integrity of an organization or group, but I still consider that it can be useful which not only in negative aspect but also in positive aspect.这个句子形式堆砌,还缺乏具体的内容

In the first place, how can scandals be useful.scandals can be useful Although at the first glance it seems 注意单复数to be sheer nonsense, the assertion really concentrates people's attention on problem problemsin unique ways. The effecting and power of this way is even stronger than speakers or reformers ever could.有点问题 Take the famous singer "Jackson" Michael Jacksonas an example. Maybe Altoughscandals are not beneficial to him, but some mass media company can earn much from the audience rating and live broadcasting rights of the trial. Without the malicious gossip, he maybe is still a common singer and dancer now. In financial area, some scandals may affect the stock which blows up and down. Some venture capital investor, such as George Soros, can take a lot of benefit from it.TS应该再具体一点.而且既然提到了和演说家和改革家不同的方式,怎么论据都是经济方面的内容?

Furthermore, generally speaking everything is useful. Under this circumstance, it is obvious that the scandals are useful which is determined what kind of stand point be taken to look at this scandal.the scandals may be useful when scrutinized from certain angles Common sense tells us that the value of scandal is subjected to moralmorality or morals, therefore scandals are pernicious.看不懂 Their detrimental impacts on the health of human politics, academia, or other areas are sometimes alarming. The notorious Watergate Affair is a case in point. But clearly, viewed from another perspective, the scandal was useful to some politicians.太狭窄了,可以搞同类词的并列么 Financial scandals may also shed light on the argument. For example, 1804-73, American manufacturer, railroad promoter, and politician, B. Easton, Mass,身份作为插入语放在名字的背后 managed the family’s well-known shovel factory at Easton. The business grew under demands from the expanding Midwest frontier and the Western gold diggings. Active in founding the Republican Party in Massachusetts, Ames 谁啊served in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1863 to 1873. Interested in the construction of the Union Pacific RR, Ames secured control of the Credit Mobilier of America after ousting T.C. Durant, its founder. The financial scandals of that company brought upon Ames in 1872 public disgrace and the censure of Congress.(原来的例子不好，这个是引例是后加的)

Admittedly, overemphasizing the importance and value of the scandal may prevent people from optimize optimisticalthinking and struggling hard for reputation. Some people will take illegal methods to be focused by public to obtain their fame. But this is ridiculous we...,which is against our hope to live in a scandal-free society that everyone is active, kind and honest. "God will award those who struggle hard. "

To sum up, scandal in our contemporary society can be useful 是褒义词not only in negative aspect but also in positive aspect. It do attract the public that even more effective than speaker or reformer句子有毛病, which be used by different kind of persons for different kind of purposes. However, I fundamentally and firmly advocate we human beings survive and thrive in a scandal-free society.
我完全可以想象你是在怎样有限的时间内把文章写全的,能够做到这一点我就很佩服你了.加油!

鬼谷子UID: 159645

Issue185 第2篇 同主题作文，请求批改
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：42分19秒 531words
从2005年2月3日22时18分到2005年2月3日22时37分
本来想用david介绍的方方面面法展开，晚上实验烧掉几个管子，心有余悸中，竟然忘了原来的思路，来个不伦不类的限时作文吧。我的第二篇上传：引例的运用。
哪位大虾能指点一下句式的连贯性，看起来缺少逻辑，句子比较散，可能是练习的不够的原因。不胜感激！！
------题目------
Scandals—whether in politics, academia, or other areas—can be useful. They focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.
------正文------
"Family scandals should not be raised outside." 【家丑不可外扬，呵呵】This saying is going to point out that the scandal which is spread to public is useless but even harmful. 【这个有点以偏概全的嫌疑】 Undoubtedly, scandals is【are，要检查】what we human beings naturally abominate but hardly in history can it be eradicated or eliminated. Actually, scandal always appeals to 【这个是吸引的意思】an offense that outrages the public conscience or damages the integrity of an organization or group, but I still consider that it can be useful which not only in negative aspect but also in positive aspect. 【层层的让步让你的观点无力，看你后面的论述还是支持useful比较多的】

In the first place, how can scandals be useful. Although at the first glance it seems to be sheer nonsense, the assertion【？这里你要说的是丑闻吧】 really concentrates people's attention on problem in unique ways. 【这个才应该是TS，而且，跟你的第一句关系不大，觉得第一句应该删掉】 The effecting and power of this way is even stronger than speakers or reformers ever could. 【感觉这里提出speakers or reformers 有点突兀和不自然，因为你整段都没有说过speakers or reformers 的方法手段是什么，也就无从比较】Take the famous singer "Jackson" as an example. Maybe scandals are not beneficial to him, but some mass media company can earn much from the audience rating and live broadcasting rights of the trial. 【感觉这个就是你开头说的not only in negative aspect吧，我觉得既然已经说是useful了，那么说在消极的方面useful似乎不容易让人认同，如果你非要这样论证的话最好限定一下你的useful标准】 Without the malicious gossip, he maybe is still a common singer and dancer now. In financial area, some scandals may affect the stock which blows up and down. Some venture capital investor, such as George Soros, can take a lot of benefit from it. 【首先觉得你两个领域之间过度的不好，因为前面的还没有陈述的很清楚，另外，没有说明Soros的scandal是什么】
【这段的两个例子都是个人或者小群体通过丑闻受益（不义之财），也就是你开头说的 in negative aspect，首先是我说的useful的问题。再一个就是这个跟speakers or reformers的手段不构成相对，我觉得应该注意题目的后一句，其实已经限定了丑闻的范围了，而你的例子不属于这个范围】

Furthermore, generally speaking everything is useful. Under this circumstance, it is obvious that the scandals are useful which is determined what kind of stand point be taken to look at this scandal. 【感觉同上段的问题，这个才是TS，而且，与第一句关系不大】 Common sense tells us that the value of scandal is subjected to moral, 【这个也是需要你在前面定义一下的】therefore scandals are pernicious. Their detrimental impacts on the health of human politics, academia, or other areas are sometimes alarming. 【你是说负面作用会带来警示的作用吗？最好这里用成让步的形式，否则显得突兀的】 The notorious Watergate Affair is a case in point. But clearly, viewed from another perspective, the scandal was useful to some politicians. Financial scandals may also shed light on the argument. For example, 1804-73, American manufacturer, railroad promoter, and politician, B. Easton, Mass, managed the family’s well-known shovel factory at Easton. The business grew under demands from the expanding Midwest frontier and the Western gold diggings. Active in founding the Republican Party in Massachusetts, Ames served in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1863 to 1873. Interested in the construction of the Union Pacific RR, Ames secured control of the Credit Mobilier of America after ousting T.C. Durant, its founder. 【呵呵，是我上传的资料里面的哦】 The financial scandals of that company brought upon Ames in 1872 public disgrace and the censure of Congress. 【例子还算是合适的，但是，只有论述不做解释和总结的话还是不能有效的支持你的论点的】

Admittedly, overemphasizing the importance and value of the scandal may prevent people from optimize thinking and struggling hard for reputation. 【表达不清】Some people will take illegal methods to be focused by public to obtain their fame. But this is ridiculous that we hope to live in a scandal-free society that everyone is active, kind and honest. "God will award those who struggle hard. "【太泛泛了】

To sum up, scandal in our contemporary society can be useful not only in negative aspect but also in positive aspect. It do attract the public that even more effective than speaker or reformer, which be used by different kind of persons for different kind of purposes. However, I fundamentally and firmly advocate we human beings survive and thrive in a scandal-free society.

【总体来说，思路还是问题不大，但是论证的过程确实需要加强，要记得时刻扣住你的论点，支持你的论点。加油！】

chenh1207UID: 182826

Issue185 第2篇 同主题作文，请求批改
------题目------
Scandals—whether in politics, academia, or other areas—can be useful. They focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.
------正文------
"Family scandals should not be raised outside." This saying is going to point out that the scandal which is spread to public is useless but even harmful.这句指出的是family scandals,下文应该引审到社会的层面就好了 Undoubtedly, scandals is what we human beings naturally abominate but hardly in history can it be eradicated or eliminated.but后面的的转折应该是说but的方面,且这点未展开 Actuallymoreover, scandal always appealsgives rise to an offense that outragesirritate the public conscience or damagesimpairs the integrity of an organization or group,. but I stillI still, however, consider that it can be useful which not only in negative aspect but also in positive aspect.but的用法好像有问题，且useful太模糊没有力量来概括主题句

In the first place, how can scandals be useful.又是useful?在什么方面useful？ Although at the first glance it seems to be sheertotally nonsense, the assertion really concentrates people's attention on problems in unique ways.这句没看懂 The effecting and power of this way is even stronger than speakers or reformers ever could. Take the famous singer "Jackson" as an example. Maybe scandals are not beneficial to him, but some mass media company can earn much from the audience rating and live broadcasting rights of the trial. Without the malicious gossip, he maybe is still a common singer and dancer now.maybe scandals not only help the mass media company earn a lot form…,but also give Jackson a chance to…. Inaddition,the sane thing also happensIn financial area, some scandals may affect the stock which blows up and down. Some venture capital investor, such as George Soros, can take a lot of benefit from itit需要具体展开呀，利润，名声等等.

Furthermore, generally speaking everything is useful.唉！Under this circumstance, it is obvious that the scandals are useful which is determined what kind of stand point be taken to look at this scandal. 第一句话与第二句矛盾，一个是支持，一个折中，让人糊涂了Common sense tells us that the value of scandal is subjected to moral, therefore scandals are pernicious. Their detrimental impacts on the health of human politics, academia, or other areas are sometimes alarming. The notorious Watergate Affair is a case in point. But clearly, viewed from another perspective, the scandal was useful to some politicians. Financial scandals may also shed light on the argument. For example, 1804-73, American manufacturer, railroad promoter, and politician, B. Easton, Mass, managed the family’s well-known shovel factory at Easton. The business grew under demands from the expanding Midwest frontier and the Western gold diggings. Active in founding the Republican Party in Massachusetts, Ames served in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1863 to 1873. Interested in the construction of the Union Pacific RR, Ames secured control of the Credit Mobilier of America after ousting T.C. Durant, its founder. The financial scandals of that company brought upon Ames in 1872 public disgrace and the censure of Congress.(原来的例子不好，这个是引例是后加的)
这个例子我实在没看懂，主要是没有分析useful或unuseful所在。而且结尾应该或从速ts的重要性，或表明ts的一些重要的后果

Admittedly, overemphasizing the importance and value of the scandal may prevent people from optimize thinking and struggling hard for reputation. Some people will take illegal methods to be focused by public to obtain their fame. But this is ridiculous that we hope to live in a scandal-free society that everyone is active, kind and honest. "God will award those who struggle hard. "

To sum up, scandal in our contemporary society can be useful not only in negative aspect but also in positive aspect. It do attract the public that even more effective than speaker or reformer, which be used by different kind of persons for different kind of purposes. However, I fundamentally and firmly advocate we human beings survive and thrive in a scandal-free society.
文章结构清晰，但段落内的逻辑层次不够，我认为是例子举的太多了不如就用一个，但说清楚为好，关于具体建议我给你推荐一篇文章，挺好的，来自TOMM
呵呵，终于写完俺的第一篇Issue了，请大家看见了，提点建议，多少都行，让俺完善完善。在这里先多谢了！

Issue70
------题目------
In any profession—business, politics, education, government—those in power should step down after five years. The surest path to success for any enterprise is revitalization through new leadership.

------提纲------
1.总论不一定当权者五年后就应该下台，并且通往成功的道路不一定是更换新的领导人
2.论长期的当权者也仍然能够胜任他的领导职位
3.论新的领导人不一定能够带来成功
4.总结全文


------正文------
It is true that when we look back on the history of human society, we can easily conclude the fact that among all the people pursuing any vocation that has ever existed in all times, very few of them could for always keep staying on the top of his career which means stable progress of the organization under his leadership or continual creation and inspiration. But this fact does not mean that we have to revitalize the enterprise through new leadership for a secured success and also does not mean that we have to make it a rule that one who is in power of his enterprise should step down after five years in his position.

The standard we judge whether a man in power is qualified and appropriate for his post should not be based on how long he has been in his position, but on the base of whether or how much he could benefit the enterprise under his leadership. Like Mr. Franklin Roosevelt who has been the President of the United States for a span of time from 1933 to 1945 totally summing up to 13 years which even we today still consider it to be too long for the tenure of a nation's president. But during his time he and his consultants successfully led the people of America went through the great depression and World War 2 and finally led the United States to the super powerful country in the world of postwar. Also like Plato of Athens, he had been the head of his Academy for more than 40 years and his Academy was always the center of learning in Greek world in his time attracting students from all places around Greek. The above two facts definitely tell us that one who has been in power of their enterprise for a long time can still be competent.

Meanwhile, the new leadership of an enterprise does not necessarily result in success. When we look back through years when reforms were carried on in Russia at the end of 20th century and Yeltsin was the new leader of this old great country, he did not bring much happiness to his people and on the contrary the economy of the country fell plumb down and the national revenue shrank to about 40% of it was in the year of 1990. It is also a fact that the president election held every four years in the United States, in which a new president can be generated, but not every new president was able to bring enough satisfaction to the people of the States, like the one president of Mr. Herbert Hoover in his power from 1929 to 1932. However, we do need and only then we do need a new leadership when the old one does not work out, although it does not promise a bright future.

What we need for an enterprise is success but not a new leadership. If the old leadership could bring continuous success then it is reasonable for us to just let it stay on its way, and if the old leadership once stops working things out then it is now the proper time to revitalize the enterprise with a new leadership. But this new leadership is not a guarantee for a secured success although it might be.