argument127 留下链接必回改

peipei_fayUID: 163182

大家多多指点啊, 使劲拍砖啊

题目
argument127

The vice president for human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.
'In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits.'

------正文------
In this argument the author attempts to convince that with the electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations, the can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic and improve their overall profits. To substantiate the claim, the author provide the evidence that employees who use the company computer will be punished, therefore they can reduce the work hours on personal or recreational activities. As it stands the argument is unpersuasive for several flaws.

In the first place, the author fails to indicate that the electronic monitoring can effectively prevent employees from using company computer for personal activities. The author provides no evidence clearly that what kinds of activities can be identified by the electronic monitoring. Can they only prevent the shopping and playing games on computer? If an employee write the e-mail to his or her friends about personal affairs, which is also a way to wasting work time, can the monitoring identify it? Moreover, the author fails to guarantee that the employees do not have the ability of decoding the soft of the electronic monitoring. It is highly likely that employees download or code some soft to offset the program of the monitoring soft, and use the company computer for their personal activities all the same. Hence, the author did not successfully to prove that the electronic monitoring can prevent employees from using Internet for wasting work time.

Secondly, the author commits an ''either-or thinking", in assuming that employees will use the company computer for their personal or recreational activities, otherwise they will spend the time on their work. The author overlooks other ways employees to waste work time, and makes a gratuitous conclusion that the electronic monitoring will reduce wasting work time. With the electronic monitoring, and under the pressure of punishing, employees may not use the internet for rest and persona activities, but there is no evidence to prove that they will spend the time on their work, and improve the efficiency of their work. It is possible that they will dozes and  are mind-absent when working, or phone to their family members or friends for private activities. Therefore, before ruling out other ways through which employees waste their work time, the author could not make the conclusion that the electronic monitoring can reduce the wasting of work hours.

Last but not least, the author ungroundedly concludes that with the electronic monitoring they can foster a better work ethic and improve their overall profits. The ideal work ethic is not fostered by inhibiting or restrain, they derive from the sparking of the work spirits and responsibility. The author chooses a wrong way, and may lead some counter product by causing the employees' antipathy.  In addition to, there is no evidence to support the claim that their overall profits can be improved. Perhaps the electronic monitoring can not successfully to increase the work efficiency, even if it can do; there are many factors which contribute to the improvement of the overall profits, such as the cost and the sales. Therefore the author should be considers more comprehensively before making conclusion.

To sum up, as it stands the argument is unsound. To bolster the author would add the evidence that the electronic monitoring can effectively prevent the using company computer for personal activities on work time, can reduce the wasting of work hours, and can ensure the better work ethic and improvement of profits.

peipei_fayUID: 163182

顶一下,不要沉,不要沉!

jaojieUID: 195494

In this argument the author attempts to convince that with the electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations, the can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic and improve their overall profits. To substantiate the claim, the author provide the evidence that employees who use the company computer will be punished, therefore they can reduce the work hours on personal or recreational activities. As it stands the argument is unpersuasive for several flaws. （好长阿，是限时的吗）

In the first place, the author fails to indicate that the electronic monitoring can effectively prevent employees from using company computer for personal activities. The author provides no evidence clearly that what kinds of activities can be identified by the electronic monitoring. Can they only prevent the shopping and playing games on computer? If an employee write the e-mail to his or her friends about personal affairs, which is also a way to wasting work time, can the monitoring identify it? Moreover, the author fails to guarantee that the employees do not have the ability of decoding the soft of the electronic monitoring. It is highly likely that employees download or code some soft to offset the program of the monitoring soft, and use the company computer for their personal activities all the same. Hence, the author did not successfully to prove that t太he electronic monitoring can prevent employees from using Internet for wasting work time. （第一段写的很有力，太精彩了！）

Secondly, the author commits an ''either-or thinking", in assuming that employees will use the company computer for their personal or recreational activities, otherwise they will spend the time on their work. The author overlooks other ways employees to waste work time, and makes a gratuitous conclusion that the electronic monitoring will reduce wasting work time. With the electronic monitoring, and under the pressure of punishing,（这两句有点废话） employees may not use the internet for rest and persona activities, but there is no evidence to prove that they will spend the time on their work, and improve the efficiency of their work. It is possible that they will dozes and are mind-absent when working, or phone to their family members or friends for private activities. Therefore, before ruling out other ways through which employees waste their work time, the author could not make the conclusion that the electronic monitoring can reduce the wasting of work hours.（也不错）

Last but not least, the author ungroundedly concludes that with the electronic monitoring they can foster a better work ethic and improve their overall profits. The ideal work ethic is not fostered by inhibiting or restrain, they derive from the sparking of the work spirits and responsibility. （不错！）The author chooses a wrong （绝对了吧）way, and may lead some counter product by causing the employees' antipathy. In addition to, there is no evidence to support the claim that their overall profits can be improved. Perhaps the electronic monitoring can not successfully to increase the work efficiency, even if it can do; （符号错误）there are many factors which contribute to the improvement of the overall profits, such as the cost and the sales. Therefore the author should be considers more comprehensively before making conclusion.

To sum up, as it stands the argument is unsound. To bolster the author would add the evidence that the electronic monitoring can effectively prevent the using company computer for personal activities on work time, can reduce the wasting of work hours, and can ensure the better work ethic and improvement of profit（结尾简洁，不过是不是该说有什么证据证明会更好？）
总的看，很不错的。
  

我的就没这么好了，提点意见吧：）
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=254034 argument 97

yangtreeUID: 197483

In this argument the author attempts to convince that with the electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations, thecompany can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic and improve their overall profits. To substantiate the claim, the author provide the evidence that employees who use the company computer will be punished, therefore they can reduce the work hours on personal or recreational activities.前面太繁了 As it stands the argument is unpersuasive for several flaws.

In the first place, the author fails to indicate that the electronic monitoring can effectively prevent employees from using company computer for personal activities. The author provides no evidence clearly that what kinds of activities can be identified by the electronic monitoring. Can they only prevent the shopping and playing games on computer? If an employee write the e-mail to his or her friends about personal affairs, which is also a way to wasting work time, can the monitoring identify it? Moreover, the author fails to guarantee that the employees do not have the ability of decoding the soft of the electronic monitoring. It is highly likely that employees download or code some soft to offset the program of the monitoring soft, and 加一个consequently好不好？use the company computer for their personal activities all the same. Hence, the author did not successfully to去掉 prove that the electronic monitoring can prevent employees from using Internet for wasting work time.

Secondly干吗不合上段统一, the author commits an ''either-or thinking", in assuming that employees will use the company computer for their personal or recreational activities, otherwise they will spend the time on their work. The author overlooks other ways employees to waste work time, and makes a gratuitous conclusion that the electronic monitoring will reduce wasting work time. With the electronic monitoring, and under the pressure of punishing, employees may not use the internet for rest and persona activities, but there is no evidence to prove that they will spend the time on their work, and improve the efficiency of their work. It is possible that they will dozes and are mind-absent when working, or phone to their family members or friends for private activities. Therefore, before ruling out other ways through which employees waste their work time, the author could not make the conclusion that the electronic monitoring can reduce the wasting of work hours.

Last but not least, the author ungroundedly concludes that with the electronic monitoring they can foster a better work ethic and improve their overall profits. The ideal work ethic is not fostered by inhibiting or restrain, butthey derive from the sparking of the work spirits and responsibility. The author chooses a wrong way, and may lead some counter product by causing the employees' antipathy. In addition to, there is no evidence to support the claim that their overall profits can be improved. Perhaps the electronic monitoring can not successfully to去掉 increase the work efficiency, even if it can do; there are many factors which contribute to the improvement of the overall profits, such as the cost and the sales. Therefore the author should be去掉 considers more comprehensively before making conclusion.

To sum up, as it stands the argument is unsound. To bolster the claimthe author would add the evidence that the electronic monitoring can effectively prevent the using company computer for personal activities on work time, can reduce the wasting of work hours, and can ensure the better work ethic and improvement of profits.
整体感觉句子连接有些问题，不过思路很棒的

yangtreeUID: 197483

帮我也看看吧，正在愁模版~~
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=253963

peipei_fayUID: 163182

谢谢二位帮我看,多多切磋啊
但是jaojie你给我的连接,我怎么打也打不开啊?

不死鸟UID: 181168

题目
argument127

The vice president for human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.
'In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits.'

------正文------
In this argument the author attempts to convince that with the electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations, the [they]can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic and improve their overall profits. To substantiate the claim, the author provide the evidence that employees who use the company computer will be punished, therefore they can reduce the work hours on personal or recreational activities[这句的逻辑关系好像不太对吧]. As it stands the argument is unpersuasive for several flaws. [总觉得这样的agrument开头有点罗嗦，不过纯属个人意见，因为在开头是否需要重复说明题目的原因和结论，已经有很多争论了。]

In the first place, the author fails to indicate that the electronic monitoring can effectively prevent employees from using company computer for personal activities. The author provides no evidence clearly that what kinds of activities can be identified by the electronic monitoring.[这句很厉害，一下就点中要害] Can they only prevent the shopping and playing games on computer? If an employee write the e-mail to his or her friends about personal affairs, which is also a way to wasting work time, can the monitoring identify it? Moreover, the author fails to guarantee [太绝对了吧，加个may可能会好些]that the employees do not have the ability of decoding the soft of the electronic monitoring.[太复杂，改成这样可否：the author fails to guarantee the possibility of decoding the monitoring by employees ]It is highly likely that employees download or code some soft to offset the program of the monitoring soft, and use the company computer for their personal activities all the same. Hence, the author did not successfully to prove that the electronic monitoring can prevent employees from using Internet for wasting work time.

Secondly, the author commits an ''either-or thinking", in assuming that employees will use the company computer for their personal or recreational activities, otherwise they will spend the time on their work. The author overlooks other ways employees to waste work time, and makes a gratuitous conclusion that the electronic monitoring will reduce wasting work time. With the electronic monitoring, and under the pressure of punishing, employees may not use the internet for rest and persona activities, but there is no evidence to prove that they will spend the time on their work, and improve the efficiency of their work. It is possible that they will dozes[doze] and are[,be] mind-absent when working, or phone to their family members or friends for private activities. Therefore, before ruling out other ways through which employees waste their work time, the author could not make the conclusion that the electronic monitoring can reduce the wasting of work hours.

Last but not least, the author ungroundedly concludes that with the electronic monitoring they can foster a better work ethic and improve their overall profits. The ideal work ethic is not fostered[与上重复，可否换为encouraged or inspired] by inhibiting or restrain, they derive from the sparking of the work spirits and responsibility. The author chooses a wrong way, and may lead some counter product by causing the employees' antipathy. In addition to, there is no evidence to support the claim that their overall profits can be improved. Perhaps the electronic monitoring can not successfully to increase the work efficiency, even if it can do; there are many factors which contribute to the improvement of the overall profits, such as the cost and the sales[多列几个可能更好]. Therefore the author should be considers[considered] more comprehensively before making conclusion.

To sum up, as it stands the argument is unsound. To bolster the author would add the evidence that the electronic monitoring can effectively prevent the using company computer for personal activities on work time, can reduce the wasting of work hours, and can ensure the better work ethic and improvement of profits.[句子太长了，要是该得简单些可能会更好]

[总体感觉不错，尤其是纠错方面一针见血，反例也很好；语言上，句式变化的理论知识有，只是变起来好像不太灵活（我也是这个毛病）：）加油，句子写长了难，写短还不容易（我是这样鼓励自己的）一起努力！]

不死鸟UID: 181168

不好意思，变色工具又出毛病了，你将就看吧：）