Issue162 同题写作，难写！你改我回，互助互爱！

coweiliangUID: 195905

唉，终于写完了！写了一个半小时，还没算构思的时间！

题目：One often hears about the need for individuals to take responsibility for their own lives. However, the conditions in which people find themselves have been largely established long before people become aware of them. Thus, the concept of personal responsibility is much more complicated and unrealistic than is often assumed

提纲――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――
论点：同意complicated, 但是necessary.(我们的社会像一列疾驰的火车在历史中前进，人们应该对自己的生活负责，以保持列车稳定前进;也要有人去勇敢改革以保持前进的动力)
1．Personal responsibility 是社会稳定的保证。（Basic）
2. 改革者的Personal responsibility，在于对社会带来改善
3.由于某些原因的限制，人们无法对自己的行为负责，例如，战场上身不由己。

正文――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――

Our society is developing like a roaring train running throughout human society. On the individual level, although we are sometimes forced to make some choices under certain circumstance, everyone should still be responsible to his behavior in order to sustain the safety of the train. Meanwhile, there exist some elites to accelerate it and choose the right direction. To them, the notion of personal responsibility is concerned with the improvement of the society and the future of our lives. In other words, the concept of personal responsibility is complicated but necessary.

Although we have not sufficient knowledge about the train we are taking, we should not take this as an excuse for our exemption of taking responsibilities. Admittedly, the protection of the environment and the development of economy is a conflict. We have not found the exact solution to solve environmental problems, while at the same time achieving the most economic profits. Above all, we ought to confine our behavior in view of sustainable development. There are a lot we can do in our daily life, such as resisting products of Freon, careful disposing hazardous waste and sharing public transportation.

At another sense, personal responsibility is crucial to the stability of the society. Laws are carried out to protect others’ physical and economic security. The boss should not abandon his duty to ensure the safety of the working place; the disabled should be protected from discrimination. One cannot do something just because he wants to or because it will make profits for him. In fact, to do it is not so simple as we say it, but if everyone is willing to take these personal responsibilities, our society will become a more favorable place to live in.

While the train is moving, reformers and critics are needed. Usually, people just become used to the current situation, without awareness of a series of problems involved. Or perhaps, when it comes to a crossway, most passengers do not realize. Reformers and critics reveal the inequalities in the society, and release a better mechanism for the future lives. When Nelson Mandela called for a campaign to strive for equal treatment of the blacks, he gave up his superior material life. From South Africa, he told the whole world that the blacks are suffering. Similarly, great writers and reporters, at the risk of their own lives, reveal the corruption and many other serious problems involved. The personal responsibility has a more important meaning to them, that is, fighting against racial discrimination and facilitating reforms for the whole society.

While we emphasize the necessity of taking responsibility, we should not lose sight of the fact that we are sometimes forced to take actions due to certain external factors. For instance, to most people, Nazi destroyed millions of lives and historical relics at that time. However, a soldier in this army might consider what he was ordered to do was inhumane, or he also might miss his wife, his children, and want to do something for his family, but he had to stay in the army. He cannot make a choice, since he was merely a soldier and had to take the order. The same is true in the issue of the protection of endangered animals. Even though we want to protect all of those species, and we are aware that they are our friends in the earth, we cannot sacrifice too much, such as our limited time, money and energy, to save them all. These circumstances bring the complexity of the concept of personal responsibility.

In conclusion, various people are taking dissimilar roles in the society. Acceded that we are sometimes influenced by the environment around us, personal responsibility is still necessary, to sustain the stability of the society and better our lives.
感觉写了两篇都是结尾不大会写，感觉这只是把几句话反复地说.
请大家帮忙给点意见  :)

imjasonUID: 176604

嘿嘿
我来站坐哈

sblbaslerUID: 175229

Our society is developing like a roaring train running throughout human society. On the individual level, although we are sometimes forced to make some choices under certain circumstance, everyone should still be responsible to his behavior in order to sustain the safety of the train. Meanwhile, there exist some elites to accelerate it and choose the right direction. To them, the notion of personal responsibility is concerned with the improvement of the society and the future of our lives. In other words, the concept of personal responsibility is complicated but necessary.
[B]比喻的想法倒是不错，但是有一个问题，为什么每个人负起责任以后火车就会稳定，你这一点没有解释清楚，至少在开头，让人总觉得比喻的有点牵强[/B]
Although we have not sufficient knowledge about the train we are taking, we should not take this as an excuse for our exemption of taking responsibilities. Admittedly, the protection of the environment and the development of economy is a conflict. We have not found the exact solution to solve environmental problems, while at the same time achieving the most economic profits. Above all, we ought to confine our behavior in view of sustainable development. There are a lot we can do in our daily life, such as resisting products of Freon, careful disposing hazardous waste and sharing public transportation.
[B]你这段的TS让人很费解，你用你的比喻试图把问题结实清楚，但对列车（生活）有没有足够的知识与逃避责任有什么关系么，而且你所指的知识又是什么呢？而且你下面的例子只是摆在那里，没有进一步说明这个例子与你要论述的中心有什么关系[/B]
At another sense, personal responsibility is crucial to the stability of the society. Laws are carried out to protect [U]others’[/U]  [B][ones'][/B] physical and economic security. The boss should not abandon his duty to ensure the safety of the working place; the disabled should be protected from discrimination. One cannot do something just because he wants to or because it will make profits for him. In fact, [U]to do it is not so simple as we say it,[/U]  [B][你想说“看起来容易做起来难”么，最好查一下好点的表达，觉得这个太。。。。我也说不出来］[/B] but if everyone is willing to take these personal responsibilities, our society will become a more favorable place to live in.
[B]你这一段要说的是社会的稳定，但下面还是没把如果稳定会怎么样或者如果不稳定又会怎么样给说出来还是那句话你只是简单的罗列例子，而且你的结尾说如果承担责任我们的社会会更好，但我觉得是不是要按照你这段的ＴＳ应该说如果（不）承担责任社会就会（不）稳定[/B]
While the train is moving, reformers and critics are needed. Usually, people just become used to the current situation, without awareness of a series of problems involved. Or perhaps, when it comes to a crossway, most passengers do not realize. Reformers and critics reveal the inequalities in the society, and release a better mechanism for the future lives. When Nelson Mandela called for a campaign to strive for equal treatment of the blacks, he gave up his superior material life. From South Africa, he told the whole world that the blacks are suffering. Similarly, great writers and reporters, at the risk of their own lives, reveal the corruption and many other serious problems involved. The personal responsibility has a more important meaning to them, that is, fighting against racial discrimination and facilitating reforms for the whole society.
[B]你这一段主要的问题就是在举例后没有深入论述（其实我的文章也一样，鬼鬼也这么说过我的）］[/B]
While we emphasize the necessity of taking responsibility, we should not lose sight of the fact that we are sometimes forced to take actions due to certain external factors. For instance, to most people, Nazi destroyed millions of lives and historical relics at that time. However, a soldier in this army might consider what he was ordered to do was inhumane, or he also might miss his wife, his children, and want to do something for his family, but he had to stay in the army. He cannot make a choice, since he was merely a soldier and had to take the order. The same is true in the issue of the protection of endangered animals. Even though we want to protect all of those species, and we are aware that they are our friends in the earth, we cannot sacrifice too much, such as our limited time, money and energy, to save them all. These circumstances bring the complexity of the concept of personal responsibility.
[B]这一段还可以基本回应了你的论点[/B]
In conclusion, various people are taking dissimilar roles in the society. Acceded that we are sometimes influenced by the environment around us, personal responsibility is still necessary, to sustain the stability of the society and better our lives.
[B]结尾有点仓促，而且既然你整篇都用了火车的比喻，为什么结尾不再用最后一次呢，而且你结尾没有提到改革者，这与你的论点没有很好的对应[/B]


[B]总的来说你的文章立意还是不错，但没有写深入，特别是就像我前面每段说的那样不要把例子机械地罗列。你的文章还有一个问题就是用了比喻以后总觉得让人很费解（至少是我），不能说不对，但没达到比喻应该达到的作用。第三，你基本没有回应题目中的第二句话，而是提出改革者这个概念，把过多的笔墨花在谈论社会稳定，觉得与题目不是很“般配”。好了就这些了，水平肤浅，如有理解不当的地方还希望多多交流！[/B]

imjasonUID: 176604

Our society is developing like a roaring train running throughout human society. On the individual level, although we are sometimes forced to make some choices under certain circumstance复数？, everyone should still be responsible to his小心女权主义者哦！ behavior in order to sustain the safety of the train怎么体现，没有具体说明. Meanwhile, there exist some elites to accelerate it and choose the right direction. To them, the notion of personal responsibility is concerned with the improvement of the society and the future of our lives. In other words, the concept of personal responsibility is complicated but necessary.就向楼上说的，比喻很好，但是没有说清楚

Although we have not sufficient knowledge about the train we are taking, we should not take this as an excuse for our exemption of taking responsibilities. 这个转向感觉不是很自然Admittedly, the protection of the environment and the development of economy is a conflict. We have not found the exact solution to solve environmental problems, while at the same time achieving the most economic profits. Above all, we ought to confine our behavior in view of sustainable development. There are a lot we can do in our daily life, such as resisting products of Freon, careful disposing hazardous waste and sharing public transportation.我觉得这个时候应该加点，比如说这些就是我们每个人日常的责任等等

At another sense, personal responsibility is crucial to the stability of the society. Laws are carried out to protect others’ physical and economic security. The boss should not abandon his duty to ensure the safety of the working place; the disabled should be protected from discrimination. One cannot do something just because he wants to or because it will make profits for him. In fact, to do it is not so simple as we say it, but if everyone is willing to take these personal responsibilities, our society will become a more favorable place to live in.好象空洞了点，感觉优点意犹未尽一样

While the train is moving, reformers and critics are needed. Usually, people just become used to the current situation, without awareness of a series of problems involved. Or perhaps, when it comes to a crossway, most passengers do not realize而且意识到了也不知道怎么去做呵呵. Reformers and critics reveal the inequalities in the society, and release a better mechanism for the future lives. When Nelson Mandela called for a campaign to strive for equal treatment of the blacks, he gave up his superior material life. From South Africa, he told the whole world that the blacks are suffering. Similarly, great writers and reporters, at the risk of their own lives, reveal the corruption and many other serious problems involved. The personal responsibility has a more important meaning to them, that is, fighting against racial discrimination and facilitating reforms for the whole society.这段不错，小宇宙爆发了…………………………

While we emphasize the necessity of taking responsibility, we should not lose sight of the fact that we are sometimes forced to take actions due to certain external factors. For instance, to most people, Nazi destroyed millions of lives and historical relics at that time. However, a soldier in this army might consider what he was ordered to do was inhumane, or he also might miss his wife, his children, and want to do something for his family, but he had to stay in the army. He cannot make a choice, since he was merely a soldier and had to take the order. The same is true in the issue of the protection of endangered animals. Even though we want to protect all of those species, and we are aware that they are our friends in the earth, we cannot sacrifice too much, such as our limited time, money and energy, to save them all. These circumstances bring the complexity of the concept of personal responsibility.呵呵，人在江湖，身不由己啊！

In conclusion, various people are taking dissimilar roles in the society. Acceded that we are sometimes influenced by the environment around us, personal responsibility is still necessary, to sustain the stability of the society and better our lives.
嘿嘿，亮MM，语言工夫扎实啊。但是我觉得文章意思明确就是没有很好的说清楚，不过这个题目确实很难说，我自己写感觉也是如此

coweiliangUID: 195905

谢谢楼上两位的评改哦，先说一下本身的构思吧，因为感觉一直在文章里说不清楚。 :o
首先开头的比喻是想按照鬼鬼的指导，先限一个范围:our society.
我觉得personal responsibility这个概念一方面是necessary的，每个人都应该负起所应该负的责任，才能保证整个社会的和谐发展， 保证自己的利益的同时尊重他人的利益（文中的第三段），从这点上来说是necessary。而题目有一句是说因为我们对所处的环境没有完全认清所以导致unrealistic，但是，是我们的责任还是应该负起的，就如最大限度地发展经济的同时又要保护环境，因为保护环境是我们的责任（文中第二段说的意思）第二个方面是complicated,平常的遵纪守法是对自己行为的负责，关键时候的改革者的行动更是对社会前途负责的一种表现；同时因为有很多时候被环境所迫，身不由己地做了另一个选择。感觉是这篇文章的议论部分很难写，所以列的例子就着笔不下去！还望大家一起讨论讨论～～

smartyrUID: 169453

No.1 Issue162 同题写作，难写！你改我回，互助互爱！
唉，终于写完了！写了一个半小时，还没算构思的时间！

题目：One often hears about the need for individuals to take responsibility for their own lives. However, the conditions in which people find themselves have been largely established long before people become aware of them. Thus, the concept of personal responsibility is much more complicated and unrealistic than is often assumed

提纲――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――
论点：同意complicated, 但是necessary.(我们的社会像一列疾驰的火车在历史中前进，人们应该对自己的生活负责，以保持列车稳定前进;也要有人去勇敢改革以保持前进的动力)
1．Personal responsibility 是社会稳定的保证。（Basic）
2. 改革者的Personal responsibility，在于对社会带来改善
3.由于某些原因的限制，人们无法对自己的行为负责，例如，战场上身不由己。

正文――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――――

Our society is developing like a roaring train running throughout human society. On the individual level, although we are sometimes forced to make some choices under certain circumstance, everyone should still be responsible to his behavior in order to sustain the safety of the train. Meanwhile, there exist some elites to accelerate it and choose the right direction. To them, the notion of personal responsibility is concerned with the improvement of the society and the future of our lives. In other words, the concept of personal responsibility is complicated but necessary.

Although we have not sufficient knowledge about the train we are taking, we should not take this as an excuse for our exemption of taking responsibilities. Admittedly, the protection of the environment and the development of economy is a conflict. We have not found the exact solution to solve environmental problems, while at the same time achieving the most economic profits. Above all, we ought to confine our behavior in view of sustainable development. There are a lot we can do in our daily life, such as resisting products of Freon, careful disposing hazardous waste and sharing public transportation.

At another sense,觉得你前后两段衔接的不是太自然 personal responsibility is crucial 这个词用的太多，可以换一个to the stability of the society. Laws are carried out to protect others’ physical and economic security. The boss should not abandon his duty to ensure the safety of the working place; the disabled should be protected from discrimination.与前面的boss形成排比或是对比？你的论证不是很充分 One cannot do something just because he wants to or because it will make profits for him.你想说是被利益驱使？one more,often than not,motivated by the benefits In fact, to do it is not so simple as we say it, As a matter of fact/Actually, it is not easy for individual to do sobut if everyone is willing to take these personal responsibilities, our society will become a more favorable place to live in.As a matter of fact, unless every individual is willing to take personal responsiblity, our the society will become a favorable palce to live in你的ts是社会稳定的保证，本段的开头和结尾说来说去，觉得说得不太清楚

While the train is moving, reformers and critics are needed. Usually, people just become used to are accommodated tothe current situation, without awareness of a series of problems involved. Or perhaps, when it comes to a crossway, most passengers do not realize. Reformers and critics reveal the inequalities in the society, and release a better mechanism for the future lives. When Nelson Mandela called for觉得口语话了吧？换个launch a campaign to strive for equal treatment of the blacks, he gave up his superior material life. From South Africa,什么意思? he told the whole world that the blacks are suffering. Similarly, great writers and reporters, at the risk of their own lives, reveal the corruption and many other serious problems involved. The personal responsibility has a more important meaning to them, that is, fighting against racial discrimination and facilitating reforms for the whole society.Nelson Mandela算reformer？？

While we emphasize the necessity of taking responsibility, we should not lose sight of the fact that we are sometimes forced to take actions due to certain external factors. For instance, to most people, Nazi destroyed millions of lives and historical relics at that time. However, a soldier in this army might consider what he was ordered to do was inhumane, or he also might miss his wife, his children, and want to do something for his family, but he had to stay in the army. He cannot make a choice, since he was merely a soldier and had to take the order. 【when it come to the protection of endanger animals, 】The same is true in the issue of the protection of endangered animals. Even though we want to protect all of those species, and we are aware that they are our friends in the earth, we cannot sacrifice too much, such as our limited time, money and energy, to save them all. These circumstances bring the complexity of the concept of personal responsibility.因为受外界影响，无法为自己的行为负责

In conclusion, various people are taking dissimilarvarious/diverse roles in the society. Acceded that we are sometimes influenced by the environment around us, personal responsibility is still necessary, to sustain the stability of the society and better our lives.
1.觉得你的文章较为口语化，这个要注意：）
2.你定义的生活是物质的还是社会方面的，从你的例子中有自然环境的，也有社会稳定方面的，个人感觉有点，模糊
3.提个建议把你的句子合并一下，可能看起来会舒服点
  这篇文章不太好写，我的也是，主要没把推理深入进去.多交流！

coweiliangUID: 195905

呵呵smartyr果然好人啊！ :D 谢谢
恩 ......Nelson Mandela改变南非的政府成分into a multiracial government and majority rules.不算reformer吗？不过你提醒了我，这
不该用reformers来限定的 :) 象后面提到的揭示社会痼结的reporters严格说也不应算在这一行列。

:( 这几天思路好乱，把自己也绕进去了。得好好整理一下。
先给自己打打气！也给大家打打气哦！