issue162 刚才那篇打不开，再发一个吧。第三稿，巨超时，逻辑有些牵强，请哪位帮

Mars3000UID: 198477

[B]"One often hears about the need for individuals to take responsibility for their own lives. However, the conditions in which people find themselves have been largely established long before people become aware of them. Thus, the concept of personal responsibility is much more complicated and unrealistic than is often assumed."[/B]

[B]My position:由于人们无法清醒认识自身所处环境，因此很难对责任的概念做到正确的把握，更不用说履行责任了。
1．定义责任，及责任
2．一方面，对于责任的理解深受自身所处环境的影响
3．另一方面，环境已经形成，并且人们事实上对环境的认识存在问题
4．因此人们并不真正了解自己的责任，也就没有办法真正履行责任[/B]

After their birth to the world, people are required responsible to many things, their own lives, families, or even the society, in which, first of all, they should take responsibility for their own lives as individuals. However, living in a world with conditions set prescribed already ,people whose awareness of these conditions fells behind or completely contrary with the reality, can hardly come out what are their responsibility, even not to say taking that for their own lives.

First, the definition of responsibility based on different comprehension of people must be given, which is something responsible to, such as some burdens in moral, sentiment, or mental, and this comprehension is greatly affected by objective conditions in which people live. In a similar but more specific way, the personal responsibility refers to something related to people's life, in that to earn a better life, to strive for a higher status, to become a kind-hearted person, or alike.

On one hand, people form their concept of personal responsibility according to the surrounding conditions, the influence of which appears in two ways, providing a material support, a factor that decide whether their responsibility possible or not, and infusing values accepted by the majority, on which they  judge between justice and evil and further make sure their responsibility. A good example is that, to individuals of different periods, naturally with various conditions, they give quite different answers to the question what their personal responsibility for lives is. To people in ancient times, when life was hard, to survive definitely was this responsibility; while, few people think they are responsible to their lives today by only ensuring to survive in this world, but ask more, such as to offer families a more convenient circumstance or to ascend the social ladder to a higher classic.

On the other hand, the conditions in which people live usually has been set up before, compared with their delayed awareness of those, in other words, the condition appearing not  the same as assumed. For example, we thought we were in a rather just society, but there still remains something unfair. We believed we lived in a world away from hunger, while every day, lots of people struggle against starving. We insisted we had understood the principle of the universe, yet we find what has been found is only a water of the sea, leaving much more unknown. These imply a possibility that the responsibility drawn according to conditions may be far more complicated and unrealistic in fact.

Yes, in most cases, the possibility does exist, and further more it enable people's fulfillment of their responsibility. To imagine, if one is not sure about what his or her personal responsibility is, or holds one certain but unrealistic, how could it be taken. A typical case is the experience of a friend of mine, who set up a company after the graduate from school, for the allure of many opportunities to make money, at the cost dropping his major chemistry even. Since he chosen another domain, his personal responsibility changed, from doing research to operating a company well. Facing a market changing incredibly fast, however, seldom could avoid making mistakes, and worse was he, a person carrying on a work not in his major. Inevitably, because of wrong estimation of the sales, he got bankrupt at last.  

In sum, from what has been stated above, a fact is illustrated that if one means to take responsibility for one's own life, he or she must know the concept of this responsibility clearly; and in a not similar way, one could be sure about his personal responsibility just after the deep awareness of his or her material and social conditions. From this point of view, although people are told responsible to their lives time and time again, few fulfill this task in a strict sense, because the first step, knowing their living conditions, has not been carried out.

davidjackyUID: 135962

各位，尤其是刚来寄托的朋友们（1贴的），要想取得别人的信任和尊重就要主动一点，作文版是个互动的版面，请大家充分利用这里的条件，互相结队批改作文，从自己作起；并希望加入寄托的同主题写作中来讨论分析GRE写作的问题；如果你对版面和我的批改有什么意见和建议，请及时PM给我，我会给予解释或更正，谢谢。

【以下是近期的链接，请大家主动一点，消灭零回复，对于“尸位者”(经常占位不改的)，请大家予以揭发和举报，寄托将还大家一个公道】

统计截至2005-3-13 18：00

xiongyicn 发帖数: 79 issue61 越学越烂,咋办??还有一周要考了,从未得到版主大人的指点啊
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255027
No.1 issue41 主流科学和超自然.发现写得没轻没重,完全凑字数.拍我一下,考完后一定回拍
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=254977

ivyshoul 发帖数: 111 No.1 issue 183 不怎么好写啊
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255082

Mars3000 发帖数: 20 No.1 issue162 刚才那篇打不开，再发一个吧。第三稿，巨超时，逻辑有些牵强，请哪位帮忙看看有否抢救价值。乐于
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255097

lunatic 发帖数: 74 No.1 Issue 186 感觉后面有点跑题了
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255093

pringle 发帖数: 15 Issue87 看见大家都在讨论 欢迎拍砖! 必回拍
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255017

laofo 发帖数: 23 issue185 昨日高频_写得怎么还是这么烂—留下回拍地址
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=254991

shengzhongbell 发帖数: 14 Issue 7 拍砖请留回拍地址
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255005

situhuizi 发帖数: 9 No.1 Issue 147欢迎砖头！
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=254947

xueer 发帖数: 4 No.1 issue218 please and thank you
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255089

onlyxiaobai 发帖数: 17 No.1 Issue181,题目很长，写得也很慢，还好没有超时！大家帮忙拍！
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255088

fengconglee 发帖数: 8 Issue50 第2篇 你拍我，我必回拍
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=254930

捕梦者 发帖数: 1 issue 87 beginners and experts V2.0 眼高手低,好郁闷!
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255086

willor 发帖数: 4 Issue87感觉很难写，也写得很烂 欢迎排砖，留下地址保证回拍
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255021

wng0 发帖数: 2 No.1 Issue99 心想怎么也算准备了一回作文，不能连一篇也不发吧？于是乎。。
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255073

virathena 发帖数: 5 issue185 高频题啊，大家支点着吧
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255065

llamas 发帖数: 1 No.1 Issue153 第一篇“难产“四小时，大家给看看，谢
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255048

mummybaby 发帖数: 1 issue108,欢迎大家的砖头,多多指教
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255049

Mars3000UID: 198477

楼上批评的对
改！
刚刚在那面报了个到 :)

laofoUID: 165673

你先把你签名党里边的链接修理一下，
那些带有点点的，你让人家怎么去找的文章啊，
也就是我看见个没有点的，过来了
你不是让人家都给你改一个吧。

laofoUID: 165673

"One often hears about the need for individuals to take responsibility for their own lives. However, the conditions in which people find themselves have been largely established long before people become aware of them. Thus, the concept of personal responsibility is much more complicated and unrealistic than is often assumed."

My position:由于人们无法清醒认识自身所处环境，因此很难对责任的概念做到正确的把握，更不用说履行责任了。
1．定义责任，及责任
2．一方面，对于责任的理解深受自身所处环境的影响
3．另一方面，环境已经形成，并且人们事实上对环境的认识存在问题
4．因此人们并不真正了解自己的责任，也就没有办法真正履行责任

After their【上来就pron好么？】 birth to the world, people are required responsible to many things, their own lives, families, or even the society, in which, first of all, they should take responsibility for their own lives as individuals. However, living in a world with conditions set prescribed already ,people whose awareness of these conditions fells behind or completely contrary with the reality, can hardly come out what are their responsibility, even not to say taking that for their own lives.【感觉你第一段，Their用的太多了，那不换个词来指代People那，如Individuals】

First, the definition of responsibility based on different comprehension of people must be given, which is something responsible to, such as some burdens in moral, sentiment, or mental, and this comprehension is greatly affected by objective conditions in which people live. In a similar but more specific way, the personal responsibility refers to something related to people's life, in that to earn a better life, to strive for a higher status, to become a kind-hearted person, or alike.

On one hand, people form their concept【我也不太清楚是不是应该复数】 of personal responsibility according to the surrounding conditions, the influence of which appears in two ways, providing a material support, a factor that decide whether their responsibility possible or not, and infusing values accepted by the majority, on which they judge between justice and evil and further make sure their responsibility. A good example is that, to individuals of different periods, naturally with various conditions, they【和前边那个individuals调个位置吧】 give quite different answers to the question what their personal responsibility for lives is. To people in ancient times, when life was hard, to survive definitely was this【】 responsibility; while, few people think they are responsible to their lives today by only ensuring to survive in this world, but ask more, such as to offer families a more convenient circumstance or to ascend the social ladder to a higher classic.

On the other hand, the conditions in which people live usually has been set up before, compared with their delayed awareness of those【,改成句号，In other words,】 in other words, the condition appearing 【如果按照我改的这里应该是谓语】not the same as assumed. For example, we thought we were in a rather just society, but there still remains something unfair. We believed we lived in a world away from hunger, while every day, lots of people struggle against starving. We insisted we had understood the principle of the universe, yet we find what has been found is only a water of the sea, leaving much more unknown. These imply a possibility that the responsibility drawn according to conditions may be far more complicated and unrealistic in fact.

Yes【？？】, in most cases, the possibility does exist, and further more it enable people's fulfillment of their responsibility. To imagine, if one is not sure about what his or her personal responsibility is, or holds one certain but unrealistic, how could it be taken. A typical case is the experience of a friend of mine, who set up a company after the graduate from school, for the allure of many opportunities to make money, at the cost dropping his major chemistry even. Since he chosen another domain, his personal responsibility changed, from doing research to operating a company well. Facing a market changing incredibly fast, however, seldom could avoid making mistakes, and worse was he, a person carrying on a work not in his major. Inevitably, because of wrong estimation of the sales, he got bankrupt at last.

In sum, from what has been stated above, a fact is illustrated that if one means to take responsibility for one's own life, he or she must know the concept of this responsibility clearly; and in a not similar way, one could be sure about his 【or her】personal responsibility just after the deep awareness of his or her material and social conditions. From this point of view, although people are told responsible to their lives time and time again, few fulfill this task in a strict sense, because the first step, knowing their living conditions, has not been carried out

anthraxUID: 176473

After their birth to the world, people are required responsible to many things, their own lives, families, or even the society,(句子在此断开，否则会很冗长) in which, first of all, they should take responsibility for their own lives as individuals.（中国式思维，要对个人负什么责任？人生态度，职业，还是远离吸毒犯罪的那种责任？要把具体的东西说出来。） However, living in a world with conditions set prescribed already ,people whose awareness of these conditions fells behind or completely contrary with the reality,（落后于？这个表达比较笨拙，fail to compete with） can hardly come out what are their responsibility, even not to say taking that for their own lives.(表达不灵便，开头段要雕琢国才行，把论点说清楚一点)

First, the definition of responsibility based on different comprehension of people must be given, which is something responsible to, such as some burdens in moral, sentiment, or mental, and this comprehension is greatly affected by objective conditions in which people live. In a similar but more specific way, the personal responsibility refers to something related to people's life, in that to earn a better life, to strive for a higher status, to become a kind-hearted person, or alike.（感觉很抽象，据一个个人层面上的小例子会更好。）

On one hand, people form their concept of personal responsibility according to the surrounding conditions, the influence of which appears in two ways, providing a material support, a factor that decide whether their responsibility possible or not, and infusing values accepted by the majority, on which they judge between justice and evil and further make sure their responsibility. A good example is that, to individuals of different periods, naturally with various conditions, they give quite different answers to the question what their personal responsibility for lives is. To people in ancient times, when life was hard, to survive definitely was this responsibility; while, few people think they are responsible to their lives today by only ensuring to survive in this world, but ask more, such as to offer families a more convenient circumstance or to ascend the social ladder to a higher classic. （感觉这和第一段该合在一起，而且字数精简一点，过于冗长了。）

On the other hand, the conditions in which people live usually has been set up before, compared with their delayed awareness of those, in other words, the condition appearing not the same as assumed. For example, we thought we were in a rather just society, but there still remains something unfair. We believed we lived in a world away from hunger, while every day, lots of people struggle against starving. We insisted we had understood the principle of the universe, yet we find what has been found is only a water of the sea, leaving much more unknown. These imply a possibility that the responsibility drawn according to conditions may be far more complicated and unrealistic in fact.（例子都花在了环境如何不如人意上面了，可是这个怎么影响到了责任的问题呢？本末倒置）

Yes, in most cases, the possibility does exist, and further more it enable people's fulfillment of their responsibility. To imagine, （Imagine，就可以了）if one is not sure about what his or her personal responsibility is, or holds one certain but unrealistic, how could it be taken. A typical case is the experience of a friend of mine, who set up a company after the graduate from school, for the allure of many opportunities to make money, at the cost dropping his major chemistry even. Since he chosen another domain, his personal responsibility changed, from doing research to operating a company well. Facing a market changing incredibly fast, however, seldom could avoid making mistakes, and worse was he, a person carrying on a work not in his major. Inevitably, because of wrong estimation of the sales, he got bankrupt at last.（公司倒闭是他的责任吗？为什么和个性又扯在一块去了，句子有chinglish的倾向，注意精读范文以便提高）

In sum, from what has been stated above, a fact is illustrated that if one means to take responsibility for one's own life, he or she must know the concept of this responsibility clearly; and in a not similar way, one could be sure about his personal responsibility just after the deep awareness of his or her material and social conditions. From this point of view, although people are told responsible to their lives time and time again, few fulfill this task in a strict sense, because the first step, knowing their living conditions, has not been carried out.（感觉论证结合不紧密，语言也欠缺，be aware阿。你要多看范文多培养语感。）

Mars3000UID: 198477

laofo，看到这个帖子才想起你？你最近人呢，怎么消失了？
老兄你不会考完了吧？

Mars3000UID: 198477

终于等到anthrax的批改了，说声感谢是必不可少的了。
你批评的很对，当时写的时候就感觉怎么写都比较别扭，逻辑和语言上都有问题。
你提的意见很好，看来我真需要下点功夫好好学学范文。
在逻辑上我是这样设计的
在B2谈环境受限制，人们无法正确认识环境，进而存在无法明确自身责任的可能，如你所说，没有进一步支持为何没有全面认识环境，就无法明确责任，这中间存在逻辑断层。
在B3中应该进一步展开谈不能明确责任的直接后果便是无法履行责任，这由于当时思路不清晰，也没能通过事例进行清晰而有效的论证。
好意见全盘接受了，就剩下一个字“改”！
还请继续关注。