issue142呵呵又迟到了,请大家帮忙看看,拉拉拉~~~~

yogurt4UID: 198389

限时失败,不过感觉还可以,欢迎拍砖!
One often hears about the need for individuals to take responsibility for their own lives. However, the conditions in which people find themselves have been largely established long before people become aware of them. Thus, the concept of personal responsibility is much more complicated and unrealistic than is often assumed.
------正文------
Responsibility, a seemingly simple concept which implies that people should be responsible for their actions, speeches, etc, has all along been confusing to the ordinary people and sociologists as well.  Since people, as social beings are greatly influenced by the circumstances in which they find themselves, and as individuals they vary distinctly from person to person, responsibility may also be roughly divided into two parts: one is the responsibility that an individual holds for the external conditions, and the other is the responsibility that one holds for the internal self.

When talking about the responsibility of the first kind, that is, the "external responsibility” for the environment outside, it is crucial to give a clear definition to the word-conditions. Conditions are attending circumstances where people find themselves, a combination of the nature and all the activities of the human beings, culturally, materially, and politically. To get a more comprehensible idea of what is conditions, though there is a slight risk of over-simplify, societies of different kinds are the most typical and common forms of conditions. It is in a specific society that external responsibilities are placed upon people. Take traffic rules for supporting example. All people are required to obey the traffic rules when they cross the roads, drive their cars, or ride their bicycles. Sometimes they can go to all the directions as they wish, other times they are forced to stop for a while or take a roundabout route. Without all these rules, or if people refuse to obey the rules, imagine, what will happen? Traffic congestion and disorder, of course, even serious accidents may be possible. Fortunately, the existence of traffic rules keeps all these from happening to the greatest extent. Other responsibilities, in terms of laws, duties, obligations, are of extraordinary importance in that they have promised the common benefit, safety, and security of the people in a certain society.

As it is a mutual promise to take the external responsibility to the circumstances, whether or not to shoulder it is as a result not decided by our own will. Since a child possesses his or her self- consciousness, he or she has been told what to do and what not, until he or she can behave properly to take the responsibility as mentioned. At the same time, however, the conditions in which people carry out their activities are dynamic. The interactions between people and the environment generally have a significant impact on the conditions, to which people bring about changes and alterations in one way or the other. For instance, when an existing policy does little help to promote the economy of a country, a new policy, which brings better economical development, may be advanced by government officials and political leaders, while the old one is abandoned. Numerous examples prove that: people in a sense can exert their influence on conditions to make them better places to live in..

Now that people take the same responsibility to the external environment, individually they vary greatly. What is the cause, however, of this not so strange phenomenon? The answer brings us to a examination of the second range responsibility, that is, internal responsibility. One who has such kind of responsibility is cautious and strict with his or her self development and personal fulfillment. Like the roses in a garden, while they share the same amount of sunshine and are watered by the same gardener, some flourish with beautiful flowers pleasant to the eye, some just wither before blossom. For individuals, people who claim that personal responsibility is an unrealistic concept are often ones who are willing to work hard, to devote their time and effort to cultivate themselves.

To sum up, responsibilities can generally be divided into two parts: external responsibility for outer conditions and internal responsibility for oneself. Usually the former are placed on people without their own will, but there are still possibilities that people change the conditions to make them better environments to live in. Moreover, to succeed in the big environment, one is fully responsible for his or her personal development.

laofoUID: 165673

呵呵

laofoUID: 165673

限时失败,不过感觉还可以,欢迎拍砖!
One often hears about the need for individuals to take responsibility for their own lives. However, the conditions in which people find themselves have been largely established long before people become aware of them. Thus, the concept of personal responsibility is much more complicated and unrealistic than is often assumed.
------正文------
Responsibility, a seemingly simple concept which implies that people should be responsible for their actions, speeches, etc, has all along been confusing to the ordinary people and sociologists as well.【 Since people, as social beings are greatly influenced by the circumstances in which they find themselves, and as individuals they vary distinctly from person to person, responsibility may also be roughly divided into two parts: one is the responsibility that an individual holds for the external conditions, and the other is the responsibility that one holds for the internal self.你这一句是不是这么长？你自己看看是不是有问题。】

When 【你这个应该是少点东西吧，如果这样的话，前后主语可是不一直的】talking about the responsibility of the first kind, that is, the "external responsibility” for the environment outside, it is crucial to give a clear definition to the word-conditions. Conditions are attending circumstances where people find themselves【？看不懂】, a combination of the nature and all the activities of the human beings, culturally, materially, and politically. To get a more comprehensible idea of what is conditions, though there is a slight risk of over-simplify, societies of different kinds are the most typical and common forms of conditions. It is in a specific society that external responsibilities are placed upon people. Take traffic rules for supporting example. All people are required to obey the traffic rules when they cross the roads, drive their cars, or ride their bicycles. Sometimes they can go to all the directions as they wish, other times they are forced to stop for a while or take a roundabout route. Without all these rules, or if people refuse to obey the rules, imagine, what will happen? Traffic congestion and disorder, of course, even serious accidents may be possible. Fortunately, the existence of traffic rules keeps all these from happening to the greatest extent. Other responsibilities, in terms of laws, duties, obligations, are of extraordinary importance in that they have promised the common benefit, safety, and security of the people in a certain society.

As it is a mutual promise to take the external responsibility to the circumstances, whether or not to shoulder it is as a result not decided by our own will. Since a child possesses his or her self- consciousness, he or she has been told what to do and what not, until he or she can behave properly to take the responsibility as mentioned【上边提到了？】. At the same time, however, the conditions in which people carry out their activities are dynamic. The interactions between people and the environment generally have a significant impact on the conditions, to which people bring about changes and alterations in one way or the other【s】. For instance, when an existing policy does little help to promote the economy of a country, a new policy, which brings better economical development, may be advanced by government officials and【用and 还是Or啊】 political leaders, while the old one is abandoned【前边一个状语从句，后边应该也是吧】. Numerous examples prove that: people in a sense can exert their influence on conditions to make them better places to live in..

Now that people take the same responsibility to the external environment, 【individually they vary greatly有点古怪】. What is the cause, however, of this not so strange phenomenon? The answer brings us to a examination of the second range responsibility, that is, internal responsibility. One who has such kind of responsibility is cautious and strict with his or her self development and personal fulfillment. Like the roses in a garden, while they share the same amount of sunshine and are watered by the same gardener, some flourish with beautiful flowers pleasant to the eye【s】, some just wither before blossom. For individuals, people who claim that personal responsibility is an unrealistic concept are often ones who are willing to work hard, to devote their time and effort【S】 to cultivate themselves.

To sum up, responsibilities can generally be divided into two parts: external responsibility for outer conditions and internal responsibility for oneself. Usually the former are placed on people without their own will, but there are still possibilities that people change the conditions to make them better environments to live in. Moreover, to succeed in the big environment, one is fully responsible for his or her personal development.


感觉读起来，吃力，
看来是偶水平差劲呀，
不过，我是不建议那种从句套从句
个人意见，纯属个人意见

yogurt4UID: 198389

是啊,是啊，不过我在下面检查的时候居然都没发现.下次一定多看两遍.
为什么觉得读的吃力呢?多给我说一说,你的任何建议对我都是莫大的帮助与鼓励.
还有,最重要的一点,你是第一个帮我改作文的人,超开心,我会记住你滴

laofoUID: 165673

长短句结合，
你的里边长的太长，
有的从句套从句，
如果关系不是那么紧密，可以考虑分开来写，估计考试时候也没有人愿意经常去分析每一句的主谓宾

arhooUID: 180462

Responsibility, a seemingly simple concept which implies that people should be responsible for their actions, speeches, etc, has all along been confusing to the ordinary people and sociologists as well. Since people, as social beings are greatly influenced by the circumstances in which they find themselves, and as individuals they vary distinctly from person to person, responsibility may also be roughly divided into two parts: one is the responsibility that an individual holds for the external conditions, and the other is the responsibility that one holds for the internal self.分开来，好的

When talking about the responsibility of the first kind, that is, the "external responsibility” for the environment outside, it is crucial to give a clear definition to the word-conditions. Conditions are attending circumstances where people find themselves, a combination of the nature and all the activities of the human beings, culturally, materially, and politically. To get a more comprehensible idea of what is conditions, though there is a slight risk of over-simplify, societies of different kinds are the most typical and common forms of conditions. It is in a specific society that external responsibilities are placed upon people. Take traffic rules for supporting example. All people are required to obey the traffic rules when they cross the roads, drive their cars, or ride their bicycles. Sometimes they can go to all the directions as they wish, other times they are forced to stop for a while or take a roundabout route. Without all these rules, or if people refuse to obey the rules, imagine, what will happen? Traffic congestion and disorder, of course, even serious accidents may be possible. Fortunately, the existence of traffic rules keeps all these from happening to the greatest extent.把rule和responsibility等同了？应该细说什么东西是responsibility Other responsibilities, in terms of laws, duties, obligations, are of extraordinary importance in that they have promised the common benefit, safety, and security of the people in a certain society.对定义condition着墨过重，而且忽视了在定义condition的时候就暗示responsibility的必要性，否着回合后面的例子脱节，仅仅一句It is in a specific society that external responsibilities are placed upon people我认为其实没说明什么

As it is a mutual promise to take the external responsibility to the circumstances, whether or not to shoulder it is as a result not decided by our own will. Since a child possesses his or her self- consciousness, he or she has been told what to do and what not, until he or she can behave properly to take the responsibility as mentioned.干吗拿小孩做例子，很大程度上小孩还不能称individual啊 At the same time, however, the conditions in which people carry out their activities are dynamic. The interactions between people and the environment generally have a significant impact on the conditions, to which people bring about changes and alterations in one way or the other.我觉得为了论述下来比较流畅和自然，你应该在reasoning的时候就要对interaction，impact这种东西specify一下 For instance, when an existing policy does little help to promote the economy of a country, a new policy, which brings better economical development, may be advanced by government officials and political leaders, while the old one is abandoned. Numerous examples prove that: people in a sense can exert their influence on conditions to make them better places to live in.有点被搞糊了，你说两者互动到底为了说什么？不能因为show你认识到complexity就把问题搞得很complex，你的线路还是要清晰的呀.

Now that people take the same responsibility to the external environment, individually they vary greatly.不懂…… What is the cause, however, of this not so strange phenomenon? The answer brings us to a examination of the second range responsibility, that is, internal responsibility. One who has such kind of responsibility is cautious and strict with his or her self development and personal fulfillment. Like the roses in a garden, while they share the same amount of sunshine and are watered by the same gardener, some flourish with beautiful flowers pleasant to the eye, some just wither before blossom. For individuals, people who claim that personal responsibility is an unrealistic concept are often ones who are willing to work hard, to devote their time and effort to cultivate themselves声称personal responsibility is an unrealistic concept的人往往有很强的internal responsibility的意识？.

To sum up, responsibilities can generally be divided into two parts: external responsibility for outer conditions and internal responsibility for oneself. Usually the former are placed on people without their own will, but there are still possibilities that people change the conditions to make them better environments to live in. Moreover, to succeed in the big environment, one is fully responsible for his or her personal development.没完全看懂，的确有点累。再去看看，再来给你细评。responsibility和environment、condition是不是有点混掉了？

yogurt4UID: 198389

我在写作文的时候,老在练习写长句子,结果一个短的都没有,别人说了我才注意到,看了觉得很好笑,当然也在反省.虽然就要考试了,但我的personal style还在建设当中,尤其是语言.有时候对一个题目有些想法,也完全不知道那是不是逻辑,分析.每次到同主题作文的帖子里看看斑竹的分析,才发现题目原来讲的是这个意思啊,唉....
虽然很不想看自己写的烂文章,但那些东东还是费了我很多心血的.为了不让它们付之东流,俺们要在最近把写过的作文(一共也就4,5篇的样子)修改一下,然后再发上来,大家还是一定要多多的支持我哦!
很容易就郁闷了,这时候就给人家拍拍砖,或许这样就能帮助那些原本和我同样郁闷的人重新点燃斗志!ETS,放马过来吧!!!