Issue130 同主题写作（本人第五篇） 砖头在哪里啊，砖头在哪里？

boancquUID: 165060

Issue130  同主题写作（本人第五篇） 砖头在哪里啊，砖头在哪里？
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：44分25秒     484 words
在word里面花了5分钟修改了有红线的错误。感觉论证深度不够，例子太少。
态度：A和B都不同意
提纲：
1.        socialization很重要
2.        但是不能忽略其他方面
3.        社会在培养下一代上面已经较为成功
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

------正文------
To build a prosperous and fair society is the objective of all human beings, and there are ceaseless efforts toward to the goal by generations. Children, regarded as the future of our society, will take on the responsibility when they grow up. In this sense, the education of children today determines the destiny of society. Although socialization of children is crucial, some other aspects, such as creativity, belief, should not be neglected. Fortunately, we have learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

Admittedly, the socialization of children plays a very important role in developing children's healthy viewpoints, abilities to compete, etc. Socialization generally includes interaction between human beings, cooperation as well as negotiation. As social animals, every person has only limited knowledge, envision, ability. Without the help of other social members through cooperation and coordination, a person can not achieve his goals. Through socialization, children will learn how to deal with various kinds of relationships between human beings, how to cooperate effectively, etc. Without socialization, children can not even earn a life, saying nothing of contributing to the society.

However, although socialization is helpful for children’s development, other factors, such as creativity attitudes, belief, can not be ignored by human beings when they are instructing children, and it is hard to discuss which is the most crucial one that will determine the destiny of society. Take Martin Luther King as an example, his strong belief of realizing society’s equality supports his political career. Without such belief, he would not devote all his life in realizing the black social right and women's vote right. Another factor we should emphasis is creativity. Technology advances propel society’s progress, and creativity makes various technology inventions possible.

Although there are many problems in today's world, such as war, inequality, drugs as well as violence, we can not owe these problems to the failure of human beings' teaching children, but, in my opinion, people are aware of how to raise children and our society is on the way to a better one.  Besides letting children enjoying there childhood, we have provide children a balanced instruction on arts, social science, natural science as well as humanity. The government knows the challenges of our society, and then make properly plan of instruction for children accordingly. For example, in our middle school, teachers will teach children the right attitudes toward to corruption as it has being an international problem. Although the society is constantly changing, human beings have learned to teach children new ideas while they are necessarily indispensable.

To sum up, although socialization plays a dispensable effect on children's growing up, other sides can not be ignored. The education of children determines the destiny of society. Fortunately, human beings have learned how to raise children who can bring about a better society. In this sense, our society is on its way to a better one!

圣光UID: 193720

没有时间很细的改了,就说一个主要的毛病
第二段中说socialization 很重要,但是好象与题目关系不大啊!
你说的都是教育中的社会化的重要性,但是这个重要性对于社会命运的影响在哪里呢?
是不是有点不切题啊?
其他好象还都可以.觉得你写得比我这个要考的人好多了~

boancquUID: 165060

回圣光：

最初由 圣光 发布
[B]没有时间很细的改了,就说一个主要的毛病
第二段中说很重要,但是好象与题目关系不大啊!
你说的都是教育中的社会化的重要性,但是这个重要性对于社会命运的影..

以下省略...... [/B]

我认为教育影响社会命运，socialization 指孩子的社会化，不是指教育的社会化。

圣光UID: 193720

不是不是,我说的不是这个意思,
而是你在B2中没有提到孩子社会化会给社会的命运带来什么,
不过是社会化对孩子的作用,与题目没有紧扣.

boancquUID: 165060

回圣光：
可能不是太明了的说明孩子社会化会给社会的命运带来什么。谢谢了哈！

圣光UID: 193720

不过看看你的主题和段落之间的意思，好象牵到这个主线上也未必合适.
反正你自己斟酌,那个不过是个人意见

boancquUID: 165060

鬼兄，帮改改吧！

鬼谷子UID: 159645

来了
占座

boancquUID: 165060

期待打击中！

鬼谷子UID: 159645

来了

鬼谷子UID: 159645

Issue130 同主题写作（本人第五篇） 砖头在哪里啊，砖头在哪里？
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：44分25秒 484 words
在word里面花了5分钟修改了有红线的错误。感觉论证深度不够，例子太少。
态度：A和B都不同意
提纲：
1. socialization很重要
2. 但是不能忽略其他方面
3. 社会在培养下一代上面已经较为成功
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

------正文------
To build a prosperous and fair 【这个词用的不太好】society is the objective of all human beings, and there are ceaseless efforts toward to 【去掉】the goal by generations. Children, regarded as the future of our society, will take on the responsibility when they grow up. In this sense, the education of children today determines the destiny of society. Although socialization of children is crucial, some other aspects, such as creativity, belief, should not be neglected. Fortunately, we have learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. 【开头还算可以，不过中间的衔接差了一点】

Admittedly, the socialization of children plays a very important role in developing children's healthy viewpoints, abilities to compete, etc. Socialization generally includes interaction between human beings, cooperation as well as negotiation. As social animals, every person has only limited knowledge, envision, 【and】ability. Without the help of other social members through cooperation and coordination, a person can not achieve his goals. Through socialization, children will learn how to deal with various kinds of relationships between human beings, how to cooperate effectively, etc. Without socialization, children can not even earn a life, saying nothing of contributing to the society. 【两个问题，一个是主语不停在换，一会儿说的是儿童，一会儿说的是people。另一个是，socialization和社会的关系不是太明确】

However, although socialization is helpful for children’s development, other factors, such as creativity【creative】 attitudes, belief, can not be ignored by human beings when they are instructing children, and it is hard to discuss which is the most crucial one that will determine the destiny of society. 【最后的这半句很多余，而且削弱你的论点了，你应该说是，这些因素对于社会命运都有影响】Take Martin Luther King as an example, his strong belief of realizing society’s equality supports his political career. Without such belief, he would not devote all his life in realizing the black social right and women's vote right. Another factor we should emphasis is creativity. Technology advances propel society’s progress, and creativity makes various technology inventions possible. 【首先我觉得belief这个表达模糊了一点，而且，后面的论述不是很清楚。这些因素怎样在儿童教育中起作用的呢？】

Although there are many problems in today's world, such as war, inequality, drugs as well as violence, we can not owe 【attribute】these problems to the failure of human beings' teaching children, but, in my opinion, people are aware of how to raise children and our society is on the way to a better one. Besides letting children enjoying there childhood, we have provide children a balanced instruction on arts, social science, natural science as well as humanity. The government knows the challenges of our society, and then make properly plan of instruction for children accordingly. For example, in our middle school, teachers will teach children the right attitudes toward to corruption as it has being an international problem. Although the society is constantly changing, human beings have learned to teach children new ideas while they are necessarily indispensable. 【论点是好的，但是论述差了一些。我觉得如果要证明我们教育的好的话，那么是否应该对应到你上面说的几个因素呢？是否应该找一些更有代表性，更能从大局说明问题的例子呢？】

To sum up, although socialization plays a dispensable effect on children's growing up, other sides can not be ignored. The education of children determines the destiny of society. Fortunately, human beings have learned how to raise children who can bring about a better society. In this sense, our society is on its way to a better one!

【思路是好的，不过注意论述，而且要注意的一点就是前后论点之间的过渡和衔接。加油！】

boancquUID: 165060

谢谢鬼鬼！