Issue130 第6篇 同主题,拍就回

thminUID: 192642

请大家给我看看吧, 花了这么长时间,才写出来的烂文,555.好想哭啊......
Issue130  第6篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：thmin     共用时间：77分5秒     361 words
从2005年2月18日20时47分到2005年2月18日22时77分
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
The speaker asserts that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. I fundamentally agree with this contention mainly for the reason that every child will inevitably enter the society and he or she makes a basic element as an adult in the future society. However, I regard the speaker's view a rather pessimistic one to claim that it's unfortunate for us not have yet learned how to raise children who can help bring a better society.

Why I put such a great concern on how children are socialized today when the issue of our future of society is raised lies in the fact that it is the human beings as individuals who constitutes of the whole society. According to a sociological definition of my college textbook, the society is brought about by a group of people who have all kinds of intricate relationship to one and another. That means, the human beings and their relationships makes the whole meaning of a society's existence. In the meantime, no one will argue that every adult has the days when he or she was a child learning to how to negotiate and cooperate with other children, how to lend a helping hand when others are in difficulty, and how to behave like a good social members and even respectful leaders in the future. All these lessons in their childhood have played indispensable part in forming their characters and personalities which better bring different individuals together to make a society.

Admittedly, the education system for our children today is not perfect yet and the speaker's viewpoint has some sagacity in seeing the flaws of it. Our ways of raising children have in a large extent defines how they are socialized today. For example, children who are only allowed to be home-schooled have seldom any opportunity to get in touch with peers, people of various occupations of society and some ordinary society phenomenon that they cannot learn from their parents. Further, if the parents themselves have some shortcomings in personality, say a selfish mother or an unmerciful father, the children brought up and home-schooled in such families would probably take for granted that they should grow up into adults just like their parents. These children will hardly understand the meaning help and sympathy until they are assumed a social responsibility by having ample contact with the society.

On the other hand, the school education doesn't ensure a definitely sufficient and the best socialization of the children. Especially in some countries and districts, with the increasing emphasis put by teachers and educators on facts in textbooks, the grades of examinations and job hunting prospect, children are allowed less and less opportunity for communication with the real society rather than piles of books, never-ending tests. The socialization of children for one important goal of education has been severely ignored. Children brought up in such environment may always experience a painstaking period to be aware of the harsh difference between reality and idealism. For example, many of my former classmates find it’s very hard, after they had begun their career, to effectively communicate their elder new colleagues.

However, the speaker has drawn a somewhat pessimistic conclusion to evaluate the education and the cultivation of children today. After all, nothing can be perfect at all. What we have discovered in the imperfectness of education system-- no matter in the home-schooled system or in school education system-- does not necessarily mean that we ought to lose confidence on how to raise children. On the contrary, the flaws that we perceived in them can make us do some amendment and improvement. As the old Chinese proverb has said, "Ten yeas is enough to plant a gigantic tree while one hundred years is only adequate to cultivate a person". Education is a task that needs all people in the society to pay their attention and bring their contribution to.

猫猫624UID: 171232

------正文------
The speaker asserts that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. I fundamentally agree with this contention mainly for the reason that every child will inevitably enter the society and he or she makes a basic element (这个词组有点怪，是字典上的吗) as an adult in the future society.（这一整句感觉像中文写法 children are dominators and constructors of the society in the further 你认为能不能表达你的意见） However, I regard the speaker's view a rather pessimistic one to claim that it's unfortunate for us not have （have not ）yet learned how to raise children who can help bring a better society.

Why I put such a great concern （put attention） on how children are socialized today when the issue of our future of society is raised lies in the fact that it is the human beings as individuals who constitutes of the whole society.(不明白你的意思) According to a sociological definition of my college textbook, the society is brought about by a group of people who have all kinds of intricate relationship to one and another. That means, the human beings and their relationships makes the whole meaning of a society's existence. In the meantime, no one will argue that every adult has the days when he or she was a child learning to how to negotiate and cooperate with other children, how to lend a helping hand when others are in difficulty, and how to behave like a good social members and even respectful leaders in the future. All these lessons in their childhood have played indispensable part in forming their characters and personalities which better bring different individuals together to make a society. 对socialization的含义没有进行足够论述

Admittedly, the education system for our children today is not perfect yet and the speaker's viewpoint has some sagacity in seeing the flaws of it. Our ways of raising children have in a large extent defines how they are socialized today. For example, children who are only allowed to be home-schooled have seldom any opportunity to get in touch with peers, people of various occupations of society and some ordinary society phenomenon that they cannot learn from their parents.（这样论证显得太泛泛，没有说服力，可以说家庭的一些因素例如divorce, lacking communication and understanding 导致父母没有指导孩子去适应社会，出现了少年犯罪，对网络，游戏的迷恋） Further, if the parents themselves have some shortcomings in personality, say a selfish mother or an unmerciful father, the children brought up and home-schooled in such families would probably take for granted that they should grow up into adults just like their parents. These children will hardly understand the meaning help and sympathy until they are assumed a social responsibility by having ample contact with the society.

On the other hand,（这段与上段没有转折关系，不要用On the other hand） the school education doesn't ensure a definitely sufficient and the best socialization of the children. Especially in some countries and districts, with the increasing emphasis put by teachers and educators on facts in textbooks, the grades of examinations and job hunting prospect, children are allowed less and less opportunity for communication with the real society rather than piles of books, never-ending tests. The socialization of children for one important goal of education has been severely ignored. Children brought up in such environment may always experience a painstaking period to be aware of the harsh difference between reality and idealism. For example, many of my former classmates find it’s very hard, after they had begun their career, to effectively communicate their elder new colleagues.（这段比上一段论证的好一些）只是最后一个例子不要这样举

However, the speaker has drawn a somewhat pessimistic conclusion to evaluate the education and the cultivation of children today. After all, nothing can be perfect at all. What we have discovered in the imperfectness of education system-- no matter in the home-schooled system or in school education system-- does not necessarily mean that we ought to lose confidence on how to raise children. On the contrary, the flaws that we perceived in them can make us do some amendment and improvement. As the old Chinese proverb has said, "Ten yeas is enough to plant a gigantic tree while one hundred years is only adequate to cultivate a person". Education is a task that needs all people in the society to pay their attention and bring their contribution to.
（文章论述不够充分，可能是对题目的理解还没有透彻，论述当中感觉有点思维跳跃，前后句缺乏逻辑性，继续努力！）

gehaifengUID: 189090

我从文字角度看你的文章，文笔很好。[color]

------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
The speaker asserts that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. I fundamentally agree with this contention mainly for the reason that every child will inevitably enter the society and he or she makes a basic element as an adult in the future society. However, I regard the speaker's view a rather pessimistic one to claim that it's unfortunate for us not have yet learned how to raise children who can help bring a better society. 头两句是模板吧，好熟悉。我也用过

Why I put such a great concern on how children are socialized today when the issue of our future of society is raised lies in the fact that it is the human beings as individuals who constitutes of the whole society句子好长，我看了3遍才看懂，最好中间加点儿标点符号，让老美喘气 . According to a sociological definition of my college textbook, the society is brought about by a group of people who have all kinds of intricate relationship to one and another. That means, the human beings and their relationships makes make the whole meaning of a society's existence. In the meantime, no one will argue that every adult has the days when he or she was a child learning to how to negotiate and cooperate with other children, how to lend a helping hand when others are in difficulty, and how to behave like a good social members and even respectful leaders in the future好句子.  All these lessons in their childhood have played indispensable part in forming their characters and personalities which better bring different individuals together to make a society.

Admittedly, the education system for our children today is not perfect yet and the speaker's viewpoint has some sagacity in seeing the flaws of it. Our ways of raising children have in a large extent defines how they are socialized today. For example, children who are only allowed to be home-schooled have seldom any opportunity to get in touch with peers, people of various occupations of society and some ordinary society phenomenon that they cannot learn from their parents. Further, if the parents themselves have some shortcomings in personality, say a selfish mother or an unmerciful father, the children brought up and home-schooled in such families would probably take for granted that they should grow up into adults just like their parents. These children will hardly understand the meaning help and sympathy until they are assumed a social responsibility by having ample contact with the society. 写的好，句式很好，羡慕+学习！

On the other hand, the school education doesn't ensure a definitely sufficient and the best socialization of the children. Especially in some countries and districts, with the increasing emphasis put by teachers and educators on facts in textbooks, the grades of examinations and job hunting prospect, children are allowed less and less opportunity for communication with the real society rather than piles of books, never-ending tests好例子. The socialization of children for one important goal of education has been severely ignored. Children brought up in such environment may always experience a painstaking period to be aware of the harsh difference between reality and idealism. For example, many of my former classmates find it’s very hard, after they had begun their career, to effectively communicate their elder new colleagues.

However, the speaker has drawn a somewhat pessimistic conclusion to evaluate the education and the cultivation of children today. After all, nothing can be perfect at all. What we have discovered in the imperfectness of education system-- no matter in the home-schooled system or in school education system-- does not necessarily mean that we ought to lose confidence on how to raise children. On the contrary, the flaws that we perceived in them can make us do some amendment and improvement. As the old Chinese proverb has said, "Ten yeas is enough to plant a gigantic tree while one hundred years is only adequate to cultivate a person"好例子，最好能加个说明。Which illustrate the importance of ….. Education is a task that needs all people in the society to pay their attention and bring their contribution to.
你的结尾写的不错。Pooh姐说好的结尾是高分的必须，不能草草首场。好结尾

xuding_godUID: 179213

请大家给我看看吧, 花了这么长时间,才写出来的烂文,555.好想哭啊......
Issue130 第6篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：thmin 共用时间：77分5秒 361 words
从2005年2月18日20时47分到2005年2月18日22时77分
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
The speaker asserts that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. I fundamentally agree with this contention mainly for the reason that every child will inevitably enter the society and he or she makes a basic element as an adult in the future society. However, I regard the speaker's view a rather pessimistic one to claim that it's unfortunate for us not have yet learned how to raise children who can help bring a better society.

Why I put such a great concern on how children are socialized today when the issue of our future of society is raised lies in the fact that it is the human beings as individuals who constitutes of the whole society.从句太长给人感觉反而不是那么好 According to a sociological definition of my college textbook, the society is brought about by a group of people who have all kinds of intricate relationship to one and another. That means, the human beings and their relationships makes the whole meaning of a society's existence. In the meantime, no one will argue that every adult has the days when he or she was a child learning to how to negotiate and cooperate with other children, how to lend a helping hand when others are in difficulty, and how to behave like a good social members and even respectful leaders in the future. All these lessons in their childhood have played indispensable part in forming their characters and personalities which better bring different individuals together to make a society. 这段是想论述什么呢?觉得就是因为TS太长了所以有点晕:)

Admittedly, the education system for our children today is not perfect yet and the speaker's viewpoint has some sagacity in seeing the flaws of it. Our ways of raising children have in a large extent defines how they are socialized today. For example, children who are only allowed to be home-schooled have seldom any opportunity to get in touch with peers, people of various occupations of society and some ordinary society phenomenon that they cannot learn from their parents. Further, if the parents themselves have some shortcomings in personality, say a selfish mother or an unmerciful father, the children brought up and home-schooled in such families would probably take for granted that they should grow up into adults just like their parents. These children will hardly understand the meaning help and sympathy until they are assumed a social responsibility by having ample contact with the society.

On the other hand, the school education doesn't ensure a definitely sufficient and the best socialization of the children. Especially in some countries and districts, with the increasing emphasis put by teachers and educators on facts in textbooks, the grades of examinations and job hunting prospect, children are allowed less and less opportunity for communication with the real society rather than piles of books, never-ending tests. The socialization of children for one important goal of education has been severely ignored. Children brought up in such environment may always experience a painstaking period to be aware of the harsh difference between reality and idealism. For example, many of my former classmates find it’s very hard, after they had begun their career, to effectively communicate their elder new colleagues.

However, the speaker has drawn a somewhat pessimistic conclusion to evaluate the education and the cultivation of children today. After all, nothing can be perfect at all. What we have discovered in the imperfectness of education system-- no matter in the home-schooled system or in school education system-- does not necessarily mean that we ought to lose confidence on how to raise children. On the contrary, the flaws that we perceived in them can make us do some amendment and improvement. As the old Chinese proverb has said, "Ten yeas is enough to plant a gigantic tree while one hundred years is only adequate to cultivate a person". Education is a task that needs all people in the society to pay their attention and bring their contribution to.有是转折,这样反复的出现转折关系的词会让人觉得你的观点站不住,让步出现一次就好.还有我不同意楼上的观点,结尾太长了,而且有些内容完全可以和上面的论述综合一下,太长了不好

我也是个菜鸟,水平也有限,有不当之处还望谅解.楼主的措辞句子用锝不错,比我好多了,就是写这么长花的时间也应该很多吧,我还是觉得言简意赅
楼主也看看我的吧,多提意见:

https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=257019