Argument45 加拿大北极鹿数量下降，谢谢赏砖哈！！！

imjasonUID: 176604

------题目------
The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.
'Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea.'
------正文------
The notion that the declining of the number of the Arctic deer is due to the global warming seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion. After all, the global warming has become one of the most serious environmental problems, bringing about series consequences harmful to the creatures and the planet as well. However, close scrutiny to this argument, the conclusion may mask some other causes to the decline of the deer or even mistaken the decline.

First of all, as mentioned in the argument, the deer should live in warm areas where the plants can be sustained and also need cold weather at some of the year that they can travel to the other islands by the ice. It is true that if the global warming has affected the weather in the Arctic, which cannot form ice, the deer will be unable to travel over those islands. However, the arguer ignores an important probability that when the global warming affects these area, there will be many islands can sustain the plants on which the deer feed, resulting in that they might not need to travel over those ice-islands to search the food. Thus, the arguer should also supply the evidence to avoid the possibility that these plants are limited to only a small islands while these deer are at the other side of the ice waters coincidently, which the warm weather cannot form the ice.

On the other hand, the argument is also weakened by the reports of the local hunters. Although we cannot deny that the reports from these hunters are somewhat credible, we should also realize that they are not authorized. These hunters may, in fact, deduce the decline only from that they have captured less deer than the past, or even seen less than ever. In this case, the reports are dubious since the reports perhaps are subjective, which cannot draw out the conclusion. In other words, the arguer should provide us more strong and credible reports, which might be proceeded by independent experts and researchers with advanced apparatus.

Additionally, the arguer also points out that these reports 'coincide with' the recent global warming trends, which is to say that the decline might be a coincidence and exception. Or, on the other hand, there might be some other causes to the decline. After all, the global warming is just one of the series environmental problems our human beings bring about. The pollutions in the sea water, the air, even the snow, which are likely to affect the plants’ growth, are also able to lead to the decreasing of the deer population. Meanwhile, we should not neglect the possibility that the deer population results from a sever storm, which often happens in Arctic area; or the deer have over produced in the past, resulting that the number should decline for the ecosystem balance. Thus, the conclusion that the fact that the deer cannot migrate to the islands across the frozen sea leads to the decline is unconvincing as it stands. The author should also consider more causes to the decline, depending on more accurate researches.

In sum, the argument for the decline of the deer according to the global warming is untenable. Before drawing the conclusion, a more complete understanding of the number of the deer is needed. After all, a false confidence in the reports and the coincidence cannot support the conclusion.

weinUID: 190374

俺水平不高,不够一字一字指正.但是总的感觉是:

5分水平. 分析比较全面,但是欠缺透彻.尤其第2,3段, 基本上是前1/3是原文,后1/3是总结,中间给出一个可能方案作为对结论的批判, 感觉develop得不够. 必须给出更多的可能性来支持你的结论,让人一目了然,而不是你说啥就啥.

总的说来: 不够犀利.

见笑了. :)

imjasonUID: 176604

谢谢wein哈
努力改正

neverflyUID: 166610

为了修改，自己写一遍先
-------------------修改版本
看了两位大侠的修改，明白我的问题在
1开头，2说理不清
改了一遍：
------题目------
The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.
'Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea.'
------正文------
The explanation of the declining of deer population has to wait for a while. The statement in the wildlife journal just mentions two observations on the deer and global warming trends, but it provides convincing proof to neither the analysis of the observation nor the establishing of the relationship between deer population and the weather. Thus the conclusion that decline of deer population is the result of being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea is not solid at all.

First of all, the observation of decline in deer populations doesn't come from a convincing data source  but the local hunters，and no convincing statistics are announced to support the reliability of this estimation. This non-rigid estimation might be quite different from real fact due to many factors The deer might have been moved away from local hunters, or the local hunters haven't searched as frequently for the deer as before, or there are not local hunters as many as before so the population of the found deer decreased though the real population is the same. 好像少了点概括的词

Secondly, the statement arbitrarily holds that global warming leads to that local ice melt so much that the deer cannot travel over it. This is a hasty generalization from global warming to local ice melting. The global whether, reflecting of warming trends of the whole world, cannot guarantee that every part in the world is getting warm.  Especially, the temperature Canada's arctic region in winter might be warm too much since it is announced that the deer's choose places cold enough in winter as their habitat. There is a good chance that the ice in deer’s habitat might be hard enough for the deer to travel to the near island.

At last, the statement ignores the other factors to the deer population and wrongly takes the declining as a single cause-effect. As it is generally known, the relationship between the animals and the nature is complex, including not only weather but also other factors such as food, enemy, air, water, etc. are closely related to the living of deer that can be responsible for the declining of deer population. What's more, the human being's behavior should also be considered, especially whether the hunters have killed too many deer so that the numbers of deer decrease dramatically. Withthese factors neglected the statement is not an responsible explanation and might be just an excuse for the deer decreasing instead of the over-hunting of human beings.

In sum, the argument for the decline of the deer according to the global warming is untenable. To draw a solid conclusion, more facts should be explored such as the statistics of population of deer, the reliability of local hunters’ reports the situation of the ice melting in the winter, and whether there are the other factors that can be the influence of deer population.
---------第一遍
Argument45  第3篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
-------正文------
The explanation of the declining of deer population has to wait for a while. The statement in the wildlife journal just mention two observations on the deer and global warming trends, but it  provides convincing proof to neither  the analysis of the observation nor the establishing of the relationship between deer population and the weather.  Thus the conclusion that decline of deer population is the result of being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea is not solid at all.  

First of all, the observation of decline in deer populations doesn't come from a convincing data source. The only observation is due to the local hunters, and it is not announced what is the exact number of probability of this estimation will be true.  The estimation is far from rigid and the fact can be quite different from the estimation due to many factors. The deer have been moved away from local hunters, or the local hunters haven't search as frequently for the deer as before, or there are not local hunters as many as before so the population of the found deer decreased although the real population is the same.

Secondly, the statement arbitrarily holds that global warming leads to that local ice will melt so much that the deer cannot travel over it. This is a hasty generalization from global warming to local ice melting.  Since it is cold in the winter in the deer's habitat, and it might not be influenced much by the global warming so that the ice might be hard enough for the deer to travel to the near island.

At last, the statement ignores the other factors to the deer population and wrongly takes the declining as a single cause-effect.  As it is generally known, the relationship between the animals and the nature is complex, including not only whether but also other factors such as food, enemy, air, water, etc. are closely related to the living of deer that can be responsible for the declining of deer population.  What's more, the human being's behavior should also be considered, especially whether the hunters have killed too many deer. The statement doesn't give reasonable explanation why these factors can be ignored and we have enough reason whether the statement is an responsible explanation and whether the statement might be an excuse for the deer decreasing instead of the over-hunting of human beings.

In sum, the argument for the decline of the deer according to the global warming is untenable. To draw a solid conclusion, more facts should be explored such as the statistics of population of deer, the situation of the ice melting in the winter, and the other factors that can be the influence of deer population.

neverflyUID: 166610

imjason语言运用比我好很多，嗯，也不知道我的修改能不能有帮助。sigh
------题目------
The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.
'Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea.'
------正文------
The notion that the declining of the number of the Arctic deer is due to the global warming seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion. After all, the global warming has become one of the most serious environmental problems, bringing about series consequences harmful to the creatures and the planet as well. However, close scrutiny to this argument, the conclusion may mask some other causes to the decline of the deer or even mistaken the decline.

First of all, as mentioned in the argument, the deer should live in warm areas where the plants can be sustained and also need cold weather at some of the year that they can travel to the other islands by the ice. It is true that if the global warming has affected the weather in the Arctic, which cannot form ice, the deer will be unable to travel over those islands. it is true这句是不是可以去掉？好像没什么影响，而且去掉了也突出了我们的攻击However, the arguer ignores an important probability that when the global warming affects these area, there will be many islands can sustain the plants on which the deer feed, resulting in that they might not need to travel over those ice-islands to search the food. Thus, the arguer should also supply the evidence to avoid the possibility that these plants are limited to only a small islands while these deer are at the other side of the ice waters coincidently, which the warm weather cannot form the ice.

On the other hand, the argument is also weakened by the reports of the local hunters. Although we cannot deny that the reports from these hunters are somewhat credible, we should also realize that they are not authorized. although好像也没什么用These hunters may, in fact, deduce the decline only from that they have captured less deer than the past, or even seen less than ever. In this case, the reports are dubious since the reports perhaps are subjective, which cannot draw out the conclusion. In other words, the arguer should provide us more strong and credible reports, which might be proceeded by independent experts and researchers with advanced apparatus.

Additionally, the arguer also points out that these reports 'coincide with' the recent global warming trends, which is to say that the decline might be a coincidence and exception. 这句是中心句还是结尾的那句？感觉这段讲了两个意思。1可能是巧合， 2忽略了其他原因。1，2 好像不太一样啊Or, on the other hand, there might be some other causes to the decline. After all, the global warming is just one of the series environmental problems our human beings bring about. The pollutions in the sea water, the air, even the snow, which are likely to affect the plants’ growth, are also able to lead to the decreasing of the deer population. Meanwhile, we should not neglect the possibility that the deer population results from a sever storm, which often happens in Arctic area; or the deer have over produced in the past, resulting that the number should decline for the ecosystem balance. Thus, the conclusion that the fact that the deer cannot migrate to the islands across the frozen sea leads to the decline is unconvincing as it stands. The author should also consider more causes to the decline, depending on more accurate researches.

In sum, the argument for the decline of the deer according to the global warming is untenable. Before drawing the conclusion, a more complete understanding of the number of the deer is needed. After all, a false confidence in the reports and the coincidence cannot support the conclusion. 结尾的文采好像不如其他部分。特别是最后一句力量不足，可以去掉

imjasonUID: 176604

谢谢neverfly啊
这两天感觉自己的ARGU很不在状态了，我自己是想模仿ETS的范文的。

你也太客气了，大家互相帮助了（我是指你在你的ISSUE里说的）
语法拼写的错误以后多注意了，我说得有点重了，哈哈

imjasonUID: 176604

哦，你的明天再帮你看了，今天改了好多，花了两个小时，困了！呵呵

neverflyUID: 166610

没有重啊，拍得越狠我越高兴。
语法的问题我会注意的. :-)
恩，打算把你改过的issue再重新写写。我们两个好像是同一天考试。一起帮助哈
你别担心argue， 你的语言这么好，我觉得你可以把重点弄到立意，展开的结构上，累了的话写提纲就可以了，或者看看范文。
努努力，相信你考试的时候5.5都很有保证的

最初由 imjason 发布
[B]谢谢neverfly啊
这两天感觉自己的ARGU很不在状态了，我自己是想模仿ETS的范文的。

你也太客气了，大家互相帮助了（我是指你在你的ISSUE里说的）
语法拼写的错误以后多..

以下省略...... [/B]

imjasonUID: 176604

今天老头不远千里来到北京，陪他了一天，来晚了哈！
------正文------
The explanation of the declining of deer population has to wait for a while.很新颖哈！ The statement in the wildlife journal just mention老问题了，单复数 two observations on the deer and global warming trends, but it provides convincing proof to neither the analysis of the observation nor the establishing of the relationship between deer population and the weather. Thus the conclusion that decline of deer population is the result of being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea is not solid at all.开头还是罗嗦了点了，你看下范文不过三句话。而且IMONG兄也说了的，ARGU的开头和结尾作用不大了，如果是时间够用而且想凑字数就多写点。

First of all, the observation of decline in deer populations doesn't come from a convincing data source.这里为了简洁点可以接着说but the local hunters,这样后面这句话不就可以不要了么，而且不是单句，就显得稍微牛X了 The only observation is due to the local hunters, and it is not announced是does not吧，粗心了 what is the exact number of probability of this estimation will be true.这个从句有问题，好象把what换成whether要好点吧，而且表述上感觉不好，有很深的中文的痕迹，我也只是大概感觉到你可能是在说这种可能的真实性有多大，老外理解可能就为难他们了，建议修改下 The estimation is far from rigid这个词语好象是形容词吧 and the fact can be quite different from the estimation due to many factors这里用“可能”的词语要好些。. The deer 加个“也许”have been moved away from local hunters, or the local hunters haven't search语法 as frequently for the deer as before, or there are not local hunters as many as before可以用个逗号隔开，表明前面的都是原因了 so the population of the found deer decreased although记得although好象在句首用合适，句中的话就直接用though了 the real population is the same.

Secondly, the statement arbitrarily holds that global warming leads to that local ice will不需要will了 melt so much that the deer cannot travel over it. This is a hasty generalization from global warming to local ice melting. Since it is cold in the winter in the deer's habitat, and it might not be influenced much by the global warming so that the ice might be hard enough for the deer to travel to the near island.这个body没有说清楚了

At last, the statement ignores the other factors to the deer population and wrongly takes the declining as a single cause-effect. As it is generally known, the relationship between the animals and the nature is complex, including not only whether？单词拼写，天气weather but also other factors such as food, enemy, air, water, etc. are为什么用复数，前面的relationship不是单数么？ closely related to the living of deer that can be responsible for the declining of deer population. What's more, the human being's behavior should also be considered, especially whether the hunters have killed too many deer这句话换成：“特别是有可能这些猎人捕杀了很多鹿”要好些. The statement doesn't give reasonable explanation why these factors can be ignored and we have enough reason whether怎么又是whether，句子读得很不爽哈 the statement is an responsible explanation and whether the statement might be an excuse for the deer decreasing instead of the over-hunting of human beings.

In sum, the argument for the decline of the deer according to the global warming is untenable. To draw a solid conclusion, more facts should be explored such as the statistics of population of deer, the situation of the ice melting in the winter, and the other factors that can be the influence of deer population.结尾还行，清楚
觉得你对文章的错误是清楚的，但是有点急，于是剪不清，理还乱啊！别慌了

likeying27UID: 195699

The explanation of the declining of deer population has to wait for a while. The statement in the wildlife journal just mention two observations on the deer and global warming trends, but it provides convincing proof to neither the analysis of the observation nor the establishing of the relationship between deer population and the weather. Thus the conclusion that decline of deer population is the result of being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea is not solid at all.

First of all, the observation of decline in deer populations doesn't come from a convincing data source. The only observation is due to the local hunters, and it is not announced what is the exact number of probability of this estimation will be true. The estimation is far from rigid and the fact can be quite different from the estimation due to many factors. The deer have been moved away from local hunters [area] , or the local hunters haven't search as frequently for the deer as before, or there are not local hunters as many as before so the population of the found deer decreased although the real population is the same.

Secondly, the statement arbitrarily holds that global warming leads to that local ice will [去掉]  melt so much that the deer cannot travel over it. This is a hasty generalization from global warming to local ice melting. Since it is cold in the winter in the deer's habitat,[有点读不通] and it might not be influenced much by the global warming so that the ice might be hard enough for the deer to travel to the near island. [觉得应该把2句和1句换一下，因为2句是说作者犯了什么错误：Secondly, the author commits a hasty generalization from global warming to local ice melting; He provides no evidence to convince us that local ice has melted so much that the deer can not travel over it.  ]

At last, the statement ignores the other[possible] factors to the deer population and wrongly takes the declining as a single cause-effect. As it is generally known, the relationship between the animals and the nature is complex, including not only whether but also other factors(such as food, enemy, air, water, etc.) are closely related to the living of deer that can be responsible for the declining of deer population. What's more, the human being's behavior should also be considered, especially whether the hunters have killed too many deer [,so that the numbers of deer decrease dramatically]. The statement doesn't give reasonable explanation why these factors can be ignored and we have enough reason whether the statement is an responsible explanation and whether the statement might be an excuse for the deer decreasing instead of the over-hunting of human beings [这句还要改改,都不知道说了什么]  


In sum, the argument for the decline of the deer according to the global warming is untenable. To draw a solid conclusion, more facts should be explored such as the statistics of population of deer, [the reliability of local hunters’ reports] the situation of the ice melting in the winter, and[whether there are] the other factors that can be the influence of deer population.

neverflyUID: 166610

刚刚发现自己的文章被改了受宠若惊阿
多谢likeying27 和imjason
这两天打算看看范文，整理一下连接词和模板。根据各位大虾意见我之后会再看看改改的。多谢拉~
两位大侠的文章我会继续研读的。:-) 一起进步

枫丹UID: 166492

------题目------
The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.
'Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea.'
------正文------
The notion that the declining of the number of the Arctic deer is due to the global warming seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion. After all, the global warming has become one of the most serious environmental problems, bringing about series consequences harmful to the creatures and the planet as well. However, close scrutiny to this argument, the conclusion may mask some other causes to the decline of the deer or even mistaken the decline. 开头不错啊！！

First of all, as mentioned in the argument, the deer should live in warm areas where the plants can be sustained and also need cold weather at some of the year that they can travel to the other islands by the ice. （这句精简一下比较好吧？）It is true that if the global warming has affected the weather in the Arctic, which cannot form ice, the deer will be unable to travel over those islands. However, the arguer ignores an important probability that when the global warming affects these area, there will be many islands can sustain the plants on which the deer feed, resulting in that they might not need to travel over those ice-islands to search the food. Thus, the arguer should also supply the evidence to avoid the possibility that these plants are limited to only a small islands while these deer are at the other side of the ice waters coincidently, which the warm weather cannot form the ice.
这一段放到后面，毕竟和结论关系不是太大。
On the other hand, the argument is also weakened by the reports of the local hunters. Although we cannot deny that the reports from these hunters are somewhat credible, we should also realize that they are not authorized. These hunters may, in fact, deduce the decline only from that they have captured less deer than the past, or even seen less than ever. In this case, the reports are dubious since the reports perhaps are subjective, which cannot draw out the conclusion. In other words, the arguer should provide us more strong and credible reports, which might be proceeded by independent experts and researchers with advanced apparatus.

Additionally, the arguer also points out that these reports 'coincide with' the recent global warming trends, which is to say that the decline might be a coincidence and exception. Or, on the other hand, there might be some other causes to the decline. After all, the global warming is just one of the series environmental problems our human beings bring about. The pollutions in the sea water, the air, even the snow, which are likely to affect the plants’ growth, are also able to lead to the decreasing of the deer population. Meanwhile, we should not neglect the possibility that the deer population results from a sever storm, which often happens in Arctic area; or the deer have over produced in the past, resulting that the number should decline for the ecosystem balance. Thus, the conclusion that the fact that the deer cannot migrate to the islands across the frozen sea leads to the decline is unconvincing as it stands. The author should also consider more causes to the decline, depending on more accurate researches.
这一段放到前面比较好一些。
In sum, the argument for the decline of the deer according to the global warming is untenable. Before drawing the conclusion, a more complete understanding of the number of the deer is needed. After all, a false confidence in the reports and the coincidence cannot support the conclusion.
真的不错，你越写越好了， 就是位置问题，几个语法错误，另外让步不要太多啊。
看到你在进步哦！！！

枫丹UID: 166492

抱歉交晚了,最近在忙a时间好紧啊,加油!!

imjasonUID: 176604

没关系了，谢谢 枫丹 哈
大家都加油了