Issue19 社会繁荣与个人成功 欢迎大家赏砖哈！！！

imjasonUID: 176604

------题目------
If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens.
------正文------
In this era of rapid social changes in this world, the democracy has pervaded every aspect of our life, resulting in, at the same time, that the overall prosperous around us. It is undeniable that encouraging the individuals to pursue their own interests lead to the overall success of the society.

Historically, no society can reach the success without considering the individuals' well-being. Our society consists with thousands of individuals and a few of manipulators. Any society, following the willingness of the manipulators, neglecting the interests of the mass or even giving no pigeonholes to the originative individuals, seldom thrive to prosperity. We can look back at the time before the renaissance, when the individuals' interests were oppressed by the religion, when the originative and creative persons were imprisoned and burned to ashes by the Holly office; it is undoubtedly that people always regard this period as a black middle ages. In other words, a society encouraging the individuals' interests will gain sweet, which has happened after the Renaissance. The Renaissance produced many great scientists, philosophers, socialists and artists, giving great influences from then to nowadays. Only the short period in history can teach us that the overall society's prosperity is depend on the individuals' interests.

Additionally, an individual's success comes out more easily and quickly, relatively compared with the overall success of a society. It is similar in a heavy-loaded train and a single compartment. For the traction engine, common sense can tell us that, it is easier and swifter to track a single compartment than the whole train. What's more, the train is composed by series of compartments, saying that the speed of the train or whether the train runs fluently and comfortably rests on each compartment. Maybe that is the explanation to the supreme prosperity of the U.S.A., which holds the individualism as one of the American spirits. In a democratic society, a person's talents and knowledge can be fully utilized. Meanwhile, the individuals' well-being can also contribute to foster the overall success of the society. One that soon gets success by one's ability and labor will teach us the experience to the success, tax more to the society as well as earn much, provide more opportunities of jobs.

Admittedly, the society sometimes needs to limit some individuals' interests legally. We cannot deny the possibility that encouraging the individuals to pursue their own interests will accelerate the polarization in the society between the rich and the poor. It is also true that over polarization will lead to the unevenly-distributed wealth, which might result in a dangerous and unstable state of a society. And the society surely exists those disadvantaged person and the losers in the competitions. In these circumstances, the society should take some acts to find balance to some extent, especially to those monopolies and the wealth in illegal.

In sum, any society should rest its overall success on the individuals. After all, it is the primary goal of a society that each person live a happy and comfortable life. Only in the condition that every compartment does not lag down, the whole train will forward at the most speed in the world.

thminUID: 192642

imjason又写了啊! 支持一个,先去午睡,完了给你改,呵呵.

枫丹UID: 166492

zhanzhan晚上交,到时不要喊疼!

neverflyUID: 166610

In this era of rapid social changes in this world, the democracy has pervaded every aspect of our life, resulting in, at the same time, that the overall prosperous around us. 第一句话很酷，不过重点略显不突出。1.rapid social changes好像没什么用。2.resulting in其实就有at the same time的意思。另外，第一二句之间为什么没有联接词？It is undeniable that encouraging the individuals to pursue their own interests lead to the overall success of the society.

Historically,historically似乎有点勉强，光一个文艺复兴不能说明阿 no society can reach the success without considering the individuals' well-being. Our society consists with thousands of individuals and a few of manipulators这个这个....好像不能用这种划分吧。感觉像Matrix。另外manipulator是掌权者(hierarch)的意思吗？. Any society, following the willingness of the manipulators, neglecting the interests of the mass or even giving no pigeonholes to the originative individuals, seldom thrive to prosperity. We can look back at the time before the renaissance, when the individuals' interests were oppressed by the religion, when the originative and creative persons were imprisoned and burned to ashes by the Holly office; it is undoubtedly that people always regard this period as a black middle ages. In other words, a society encouraging the individuals' interests will gain sweet, which has happened after after还是during?感觉你想说在文艺复兴时期出现了很多科学家the Renaissance. The Renaissance produced many great scientists, philosophers, socialists and artists,这里建议加一句，还有很多杰出作品出现，以及科学艺术大发展。 因为前面说文艺复兴前也有很多人才(只不过被扼杀了)，我们应该突出成就 giving great influences from then to nowadays. Only the short period in history can only ...can teach us...那么其他时期就不能证明这个观点了？teach us that the overall society's prosperity is depend on the individuals' interests.

Additionally, an individual's success comes out more easily and quickly, relatively compared with the overall success of a society. It is similar in a heavy-loaded train and a single compartment. For the traction engine, common sense can tell us that, it is easier and swifter to track a single compartment than the whole train. 俺怎么觉得一辆车更容易跑呢？没了火车头，一节车厢怎么跑啊What's more, the train is composed by series of compartments, saying that the speed of the train or whether the train runs fluently and comfortably rests on each compartment. Maybe that is the explanation to the supreme prosperity of the U.S.A., which holds the individualism as one of the American spirits. In a democratic society, a person's talents and knowledge can be fully utilized. Meanwhile, the individuals' well-being can also contribute to foster the overall success of the society. One that soon gets success by one's ability and labor will teach us the experience to the success, taxtax是收税的意思吧，应该用被动语态 more to the society as well as earn much, provide more opportunities of jobs. 这一段用了类比证明和举例证明。但是好像后来一个用美国社会成功来举例证明的部分不能证明这段的中心思想"an individual's success comes out more easily and quickly, "

Admittedly, the society sometimes needs to limit some individuals' interests legally. We cannot deny the possibility that encouraging the individuals to pursue their own interests will accelerate the polarization in the society between the rich and the poor. It is also true that over polarization will lead to the unevenly-distributed wealth, which might result in a dangerous and unstable state of a society. And the society surely existsexist不及物，用engender怎么样。 those disadvantaged person and the losers in the competitions. In these circumstances, the society should take some acts to find balance to some extent, especially to those monopolies and the wealth in illegal.这段你是用让步角度来写的。但是我们同样用来证明我们的观点，因为要保证所有人的insterest,不能只顾及少数的interest。这些都不是overall的success

In sum, any society should rest its overall success on the individuals. After all, it is the primary goal of a society that each person live a happy and comfortable life. Only in the condition that every compartment does not lag down, the whole train will forward at the most speed in the world.结尾excellent!

imjasonUID: 176604

感动哈，这是我被拍的最详细的一次了。

最初由 neverfly 发布
[B]
这个这个....好像不能用这种划分吧。感觉像Matrix。另外manipulator是掌权者(hierarch)的意思吗？
[/B]

对，就是掌权者，统治者的意思。

[B]
only ...can teach us...那么其他时期就不能证明这个观点了？
[/B]

我本来想表达的意思是仅仅从这么一点就可以看出的，可能是没有表达好。再想想……

[B]
俺怎么觉得一辆车更容易跑呢？没了火车头，一节车厢怎么跑啊
[/B]

这个我要申冤哈，因为我前面说了对于牵引机车来说

imjasonUID: 176604

剩下的我再好好修改下，谢谢neverfly哈

neverflyUID: 166610

imjason太客气了，大家都是难兄难弟啊。:-)
我修改你的时候自己也学了好多。
这道题自己也写了一遍，要是有兴趣就看看.:-)
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?threadid=260131

枫丹UID: 166492

------题目------
If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens.
------正文------
In this era of（of 可以去掉吧？，我感觉这句好罗嗦） rapid social changes in this world, the democracy has (been）pervaded (to)every aspect of our life, resulting in, at the same time, that the overall prosperous around us. It is undeniable that encouraging the individuals to pursue their own interests lead to the overall success of the society.
我不太明白democracy和prosperous之间是什么关系？？为什么要在一起出现？你的观点提出的也很不明确啊

Historically, no society can reach the success without considering the individuals' well-being.十分绝对，看你下面怎么说 Our society consists with thousands of individuals and a few of manipulators. Any society, following the willingness of the manipulators, neglecting the interests of the mass or even giving no pigeonholes to the originative individuals,（前面三个状语不好吧，句子头重脚轻） seldom thrive to prosperity. We can look back at the time before the renaissance, when the individuals' interests were oppressed by the religion, when the originative and creative persons were imprisoned and burned to ashes by the Holly office; it is undoubtedly that people always regard this period as a black middle ages. In other words, a society encouraging the individuals' interests will gain sweet, which has happened after the Renaissance. The Renaissance produced many great scientists, philosophers, socialists and artists, giving great influences from then to nowadays. （什么样的影响呢？我感觉你的例子太抽象了，不太符合issue的习惯，这样会让你的论证缺乏 力度）Only the short period in history can teach us that the overall society's prosperity is depend on the individuals' interests.
还有你的现在分词用的很乱：做状语的时候，应该是原因状语，方式， 伴随程度，目的。 你自己对照一下

Additionally, an individual's success comes out more easily and quickly, relatively compared with the overall success of a society. It is similar(to) in a heavy-loaded train and a single compartment. For the traction engine, common sense can tell us that, (tell sb sth为什么要加逗号呢？？？)it is easier and swifter to track a single compartment than the whole train. What's more, the train is composed by series of compartments, saying that the speed of the train or whether the train runs fluently and comfortably rests on each compartment. Maybe that is the explanation to the supreme prosperity of the U.S.A., which holds the individualism as one of the American spirits. In a democratic society, a person's talents and knowledge can be fully utilized. Meanwhile, the individuals' well-being can also contribute to（the） foster (of)the overall success of the society. One that soon gets success by one's ability and labor will teach us the experience to the success, tax more to the society as well as earn much, provide more opportunities of jobs.
哎！我也不清楚这个比喻是不是合适，总觉的别扭， 似乎忽略了人的主观的能动性， 而且后面的半部分似乎再讲个人的成功对社会的作用，和这一段的主题偏离了啊！注意标点和介词。

Admittedly, the society sometimes needs to limit some individuals' interests legally. We（you deny but others do not , so “we ” is not proper） cannot deny the possibility that encouraging the individuals to pursue their own interests will accelerate the polarization in the society between the rich and the poor. （何以得出这个结论呢？至少那出个依据出来比如谁的著名理论）It is also true that over polarization will lead to the unevenly-distributed wealth, which might result in a dangerous and unstable state of a society. And（in）the society surely exists those disadvantaged person and the losers in the competitions. In these circumstances, the society should take some acts to find balance to some extent, especially to those monopolies and the wealth in illegal.
这一段缺乏有力的论证注意介词，及物动词的使用。

In sum, any society should rest its overall success on the individuals. After all, it is the primary goal of a society that each person live a happy and comfortable life. Only in the condition that every compartment does not lag down, the whole train will forward at the most speed in the world.
如果说话生硬了些，不要见怪，主要发现这篇我原来写过提纲，却是如此的简单而且不实用，真是来气了。 你要注意几个问题1， 介词的使用，2及物动词和非及物动词的使用，3 现在分词的使用4， 不要想当然的认为一个观点或一句话成立，拿出理由和依据来。

imjasonUID: 176604

谢谢 枫丹
这篇是很慌乱的时候写的，确实暴露了很多问题了，一定认真修改

thminUID: 192642

thmin姗姗来迟,昨天下午突然感冒了,好难过!今天才给你改出来,看看吧,看来你很幸福的样子哦,这么多人给改;我自从消失了几天以后来就没人给改了,555...

In this era of rapid social changes in this一个状语两次出现this读起来有重复之感 world, the democracydemocracy就可以 has pervaded every aspect of our life, resulting in, at the same time, that the overall prosperous around usthe overall prosperity around us. It is undeniable that encouraging the individuals to pursue their own interests lead to the overall success of the society.这一句的语气有点过强,而且总感觉像没有结束,因为我觉得it is undeniable that有让步的语气

Historically, no society can reach the success without considering the individuals' well-being.恩,这句话非常好,学习中… Our society consists withof thousands of individuals and用as well as吧,因为我觉得这个短语放在这里比较着重于前者 a few of manipulators. Any society, only following the willingness of the manipulators, and/thus/whileneglecting the interests of the mass or even giving no pigeonholes 请教:give no pigeonholes是什么意思to the originative individuals, seldom thrives to prosperity. We can look back at the time before the renaissance Renaissance, when the individuals' interests were oppressed by the religion, andwhen the originative and creative persons were imprisoned and burned to ashes by the Holly officeHolly office是?; it is undoubtedly that people always regard this period as a black middle ages. In other words, a society encouraging the individuals' interests will gain sweet可以说 great achievements/accomplishments/advances/progress in many respects of societal and psychological lives… sweet是形容词,而且不能表达成就这个概念., which has happened after the Renaissance. The Renaissance produced many great scientists, philosophers, socialists and artists, giving great influences from then to nowadays. 个人认为,Renaissance是个时代的概念,不能说R produced many great…你再想想这个句子怎么表达?Only the short period in history can teach us that the overall society's prosperity is depend on the individuals' interests.

Additionally, an individual's success comes out more easily and quickly, relatively compared with the overall success of a society. It is similar in a heavy-loaded train and a single compartment. For the traction engine, common sense can tell us that, it is easier and swifter to track a single compartment than the whole train. What's more, the train is composed by series of compartments, saying that the speed of the train or whether the train runs fluently and comfortably rests on each compartment. saying后边的没看明白啊.还有,从火车的例子一下到美国的prosperity,有点突然,中间应该加个什么过渡性的句子说明一下,否则你后边句直接说that is the explanation to就不太合适Maybe that is the explanation to the supreme prosperity of the U.S.A., which holds the individualism我觉得个人主义和以个体幸福为重还不太一样,这里有个概念上的区别,你应该继续用 admit and respect the individual welfare/interests/well-being这样的字眼,否则容易让人反驳 as one of the American spirits. In a democratic society, a person's talents and knowledge can be fully utilized. Meanwhile,后边说的是别一个意思了,建议从这里开始另起一段哦 the individuals' well-being can also contribute to fosterfostering,前面的to是介词 the overall success of the society. One that soon gets success by one's ability and labor will teach us the experience to the success, tax more to the society as well as earn much, provide more opportunities of jobs.这句与其这样模糊地表达,不如举个名人的例子比如Bill Gates

Admittedly, the society sometimes needs to limit some individuals' interests legallyin an appropriate and endurable range. We cannot deny the possibility that encouraging the individuals to pursue their own interests in any case最好加上一个限定语,不然这句话就又过于绝对了 will accelerate the polarization一般说widen the gap between A and B in the society between the rich and the poor. It is also true that overundue/excessive polarization will lead to the unevenly-distributed wealth, which might result in a dangerous and unstable statedanger/hazard/commotion and unstability,用名词就行了,a … state我感觉很罗索 of a society. And the society surely exists those disadvantaged person and the losers in the competitions.这句的表达有点问题 In these circumstances under such circumstances, the society should take some actsactions to find balance to some extent, especially to those monopolies and the wealth in illegal.find balance between A and B这段的表达也比较vague,与其这样费劲地说理,不如多举几个例子比较好

In sum, any society should rest its overall success on the individuals. After all, it is the primary goal of a society that each personperson有点mediocre了,你可以说member of it lives a happy and comfortable life. Only in the condition that every compartment does not lag down lag behind, the whole train will will the train as a whole,前面only开头,后面最好倒装 forward at the most speed in the world.


imjason:改过你的几篇文章,感觉你有几个常见的问题,现在集中给你说一下吧:
1 你的论述比较模糊,很多概念好象表达不清楚;原因在于你不太爱用例子去说明问题,而是纯粹的说理,首先这样对任何人都是比较困难的;其次,这样对你考试不利,ETS的思想(你可以去看看评分标准)就是要求考生能够用具体且合适的例子来表达思想,证明论点.那种被他们视作vague的表达是他们最忌讳的。
2 你的作文常常出现一些比较绝对的表达，这个问题比较小，你可以尝试用一些限定范围和程度的词或者短语来消除这种问题。
好了，就是以上两条了，你的时间还很充足，加油了！
最后，再请你帮我改一下我的作文，呵呵。

imjasonUID: 176604

谢谢 thmin
要注意身体啊，你现在好些没啊？