Argument145 第一次发帖求助，能帮我改改吗？写的是差了点

nick530UID: 203367

Argument145  第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：29分9秒     456 words
从2005年3月2日19时18分到2005年3月2日19时29分
------题目------
A new study collected data that shows that people who snore are more likely to gain weight than are people who do not snore. It is well known that many people who snore also stop breathing frequently during the night for a few seconds, a condition called sleep apnea. The interruption of breathing wakes the person—often so briefly that the waking goes unnoticed—and can leave the person too tired during the day to exercise. Anyone who snores, therefore, should try to eat less than the average person and to exercise more.
------正文------
In this argument, the arguer reaches the conclusion that people who snore should eat less and do more exercises than ordinary individuals. To justify the conclusion, the arguer points out a common sense that people who snore will have sleep apnea, the interruption of breathing wakes which may make people too tired in the daytime to exercise. In addition, the arguer cites the data collected in a recent study that people will gain more weight if they snore. Careful examination of this series of reasoning, however, I find that the argument suffers from several logical flaws which make it unconvincing.

To begin with, the arguer provides no evidence that this study is statistically reliable. For an accurate study, the sample must be representative of the overall population of people who snore. Moreover, the arguer should do more investigation to gather sufficient data. Yet, the number of the sample is not mentioned in the argument and we do not know whether the size of the sample is big or small. Lacking clear information about the representativeness and the size of the sample, the conclusion that people who snore will more easily be fatter than others is unwarranted.

Secondly, even assuming that the study is reliable, the arguer makes another assumption that sleep apnea which happened on the person who snores will let him too tired to do exercises. However, there is little credible evidence to support it. Perhaps these people who feel too tired are doing some heavy work or why they do not want to exercise is just the fact that they are too busy but not too tired. The arguer have to consider and eliminate these possible reasons which may undermine the conclusion, otherwise, what the arguer claims is too weak to make me accept it.

Last but not least, the arguer further unfairly assumes that the only way to change the situation in which people who snore are often too tired is to eat less and exercise more. Admittedly, this is a good way; nevertheless, it might hardly be the only one. Perhaps sleeping for more time and leading a healthier life by working and resting on time can also achieve the goal. Unless the arguer supplies enough information that there is no other better way, he cannot make such a hasty conclusion.

In sum, the argument lacks credibility because the evidence cited lends little support to what the arguer claims. To strengthen the conclusion, the arguer should give more substantial evidence that the study is reliable enough and feeling tired is the unique reason for less exercise. To better assess the argument, I would need to know whether there are other ways which can make the same effect as eating less and exercising more do.

nick530UID: 203367

能有人帮忙一下吗？

向日葵的孩子UID: 162587

In this argument, the arguer reaches the conclusion that people who snore should eat less and do more exercises than ordinary individuals. To justify the conclusion, the arguer points out a common sense that people who snore will have sleep apnea, the interruption of breathing wakes which may make people too tired in the daytime to exercise. In addition, the arguer cites the data collected in a recent study that people will gain more weight if they snore. Careful examination of this series of reasoning, however, I find that the argument suffers from several logical flaws which make it unconvincing.

To begin with, the arguer provides no evidence that this study is statistically reliable. For an accurate study, the sample must be representative of the overall population of people who snore.[可以继续说：可能夜间呼吸停顿的人只是少数，他们因这种症状而导致的少运动而肥胖不能代表所有打呼噜的人] Moreover, the arguer should do more investigation to gather sufficient data. Yet, the number of the sample is not mentioned in the argument and we do not know whether the size of the sample is big or small. Lacking clear information about the representativeness and the size of the sample, the conclusion that people who snore will more easily be fatter than others is unwarranted.[感觉说得不太具体深入啊，模版痕迹重，并且这道题攻击这个点不是很有力度。个人感觉要说也可以，但别放第一段]

Secondly, even assuming that the study is reliable, the arguer makes another assumption that sleep apnea which happened on the person who snores will let him too tired to do exercises. However, there is little credible evidence to support it. Perhaps these people who feel too tired are doing some heavy work or[这里断一下句好些，“，or perhaps”]why they do not want to exercise is just the fact that they are too busy but not too tired. The arguer have to consider and eliminate these possible reasons which may undermine the conclusion, otherwise, what the arguer claims is too weak to make me accept it.

Last but not least, the arguer further unfairly assumes that the only way to change the situation in which people who snore are often too tired is to eat less and exercise more. Admittedly, this is a good way; nevertheless, it might hardly be the only one. Perhaps sleeping for more time and leading a healthier life by working and resting on time can also achieve the goal. Unless the arguer supplies enough information that there is no other better way, he cannot make such a hasty conclusion.

In sum, the argument lacks credibility because the evidence cited lends little support to what the arguer claims. To strengthen the conclusion, the arguer should give more substantial evidence that the study is reliable enough and feeling tired is the unique reason for less exercise. To better assess the argument, I would need to know whether there are other ways which can make the same effect as eating less and exercising more do.

[首段末段写得太长，很多人的通病啊（包括俺，呵呵，努力改正ING）。语言没大问题就没细看了，anyway，逻辑思路最重要。 文章实际还犯了因果倒置的逻辑错误，是因为打呼噜而肥胖还是因为肥胖才打呼？！ 你还可以说作者的建议（对所有打呼的人来说都应该少吃多运动）不合理，有些打呼的人并不肥胖为什么要叫他们也少吃？有些人尽管肥胖但可能有心脏病高血压等不能多运动]

goodgoodstudyUID: 201753

既然向日葵也来了,hoho
刚写完篇issue
比较爽
睡不着

goodgoodstudyUID: 201753

A new study collected data that shows that people who snore are more likely to gain weight than are people who do not snore. It is well known that many people who snore also stop breathing frequently during the night for a few seconds, a condition called sleep apnea. The interruption of breathing wakes the person—often so briefly that the waking goes unnoticed—and can leave the person too tired during the day to exercise. Anyone who snores, therefore, should try to eat less than the average person and to exercise more.  
一项新的调查所收集的数据显示打呼噜的人比不打呼噜的人更容易长胖。我们知道很多打呼噜的人夜间也经常有数秒钟的呼吸停顿，这种现象被称为睡眠呼吸中断。这种呼吸的停顿导致本人醒来--通常十分短暂以至于不被察觉--并且会使本人在白天很累而无力锻炼。因此，所有打呼噜的人都应该比正常人少吃多锻炼。

谈点我自己对这道题目的看法,打呼噜是一种生理现象,而我觉得题目本身就弄反了,不是说打呼噜的人就天天睡觉必然打胡噜,而是说他们具备了这种潜力这种生理构造.至于到底是不是会发生,可能更多要看实际情况,经验告诉我人累了会很厉害地打胡噜.

基于此,我给你写的批改如下: 呵呵

goodgoodstudyUID: 201753

------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：29分9秒 456 words
从2005年3月2日19时18分到2005年3月2日19时29分
------题目------
A new study collected data that shows that people who snore are more likely to gain weight than are people who do not snore. It is well known that many people who snore also stop breathing frequently during the night for a few seconds, a condition called sleep apnea. The interruption of breathing wakes the person—often so briefly that the waking goes unnoticed—and can leave the person too tired during the day to exercise. Anyone who snores, therefore, should try to eat less than the average person and to exercise more.
------正文------
In this argument, the arguer reaches the conclusion that people who snore should eat less and do more exercises than ordinary individuals. To justify the conclusion, the arguer points out a common sense that people who snore will have sleep apnea, the interruption of breathing wakes which may make people too tired in the daytime to exercise. [句式不错]In addition, the arguer cites the data collected in a recent study that people will gain more weight if they snore. Careful examination of this series of reasoning,[语法上有误，应该是Through careful examination of this series of reasoning] however, I find that the argument suffers from several logical flaws which make it unconvincing.[第一段写的不错，开门见山，又不罗嗦，赞!]

To begin with, the arguer provides no evidence that this study is statistically reliable. For an accurate study, the sample must be representative of the overall population of people who snore. Moreover, the arguer should do more investigation to gather sufficient data.[感觉这里最好加上那么一句:然而,作者都没有提到这些可能的改进.同时可以进一步指出下面的关于样本容量的问题] Yet, the number of the sample is not mentioned in the argument and we do not know whether the size of the sample is big or small[big enough 好些,或者big or not,big or small看起来很别扭]. Lacking clear information about the representativeness and the size of the sample, the conclusion that people who snore will more easily be fatter than others is unwarranted.[推理比较有层次,好!]

Secondly, even assuming that the study is reliable, the arguer makes another assumption that sleep apnea which happened[此处为何要用过去时?叙述事实用一般时态就好了] on the person who snores will let[let比较生硬] him too tired to do exercises. However, there is little credible evidence to support it. Perhaps these people who feel too tired are doing some heavy work or why they do not want to exercise is just the fact that they are too busy but not too tired. The arguer have to consider and eliminate these possible reasons which may undermine the conclusion, otherwise, what the arguer claims is too weak to make me accept it.

Last but not least, the arguer further unfairly assumes that the only way to change the situation in which people who snore are often too tired is to eat less and exercise more.[文章中并没有说到eat less和exercise more是为了能够防止白天tired,这点上作者要注意不要牵强,必须顺着题目来,尽管你说的可能确实是有道理的] Admittedly, this is a good way; nevertheless, it might hardly be the only one. Perhaps sleeping for more time and leading a healthier life by working and resting on time can also achieve the goal. Unless the arguer supplies enough information that there is no other better way, he cannot make such a hasty conclusion.[就你的目的而言,论证的还可以]

In sum, the argument lacks credibility because the evidence cited lends little support to what the arguer claims. To strengthen the conclusion, the arguer should give more substantial evidence that the study is reliable enough and feeling tired is the unique reason for less exercise. To better assess the argument, I would need to know whether there are other ways which[that定语从句,呵呵] can make the same effect as eating less and exercising more do.

不错啊,写的,和北美范文的模版差不多,分数应该还可以.
语法错误也很少,改过的吧.

nick530UID: 203367

谢谢楼上两位的修改，必回拍