Issue30 同提第十期，期待拍转，48小时内回

coweiliangUID: 195905

Issue30  让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：50分3秒     570 words
从2005年3月4日13时41分到2005年3月4日14时45分
------题目------
The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.
------正文------
We are living in an era when technology is progressing at an exponential velocity and greatly accelerating the efficiency of our work. Some people emphasize that technological advancement is the compelling driving force to the society. However, as far as I am concerned, although I concede that efficiency is one of the primary goals of the technological advancement in order to save time at work, it does not guarantee more leisure time for us.

To begin with, the progress of technology should take the precedence for efficiency which will sufficiently transform the way we live and work. We all have much experience that we can save much time with the modern intelligent machines and gain convenience while transportation. In the office, with the assistance of copying machines, people do not have to spend much labor to write the words one by one; with the help of the special software which is designed to process and administrate files, people can easily find out the exact information they are looking for. Moreover, owing to the arrival of internet age, it is possible now for an employee to work at home in stead of hurrying to offices every day. Time and energy are saved while formerly wasted in waiting for buses and in the traffic jams. In the foreseeable future, the development of technology will further better our living standards. In this way, technology should place the primary goal to increase people’s efficiency.

Despite of all the time saved, we should not lose sight of the fact that people are less likely to enjoy their leisure time nowadays. As I see it, the reasons can be attributed to two aspects. Firstly, people in the modern society are exposed to much more fierce competition than any period in history-- from the career market and increasing demands of the employers. The efficiency created by the intelligent machines, in fact, is reducing the numbers of people needed in the working place. The result is that, on the one hand, people who have jobs are worried about losing them; while on the other hand, millions of those, who have not found a job or recently lose it, are eager to get a position as to survive. Considering all the pressure in metal and physical, how can we comfortably enjoy our spare time, even if it originally aims to relax us from the tedious daily routines?

In a second place, most of our leisure time is actually devoted to keep pace with the modern technology and distinguish the useful information.  Although internet can serve to provide all relevant information, yet people have to spend more time to deal with the junk mail or useless information. Every technological advancement or update requires much time and attention in order to learn how to use the new technology. This is nowhere else more evident than in the field of computer science. Like it or not, people are using most of their spare time to take courses for updated computer skills. Also, they have to spend more time searching for relevant reference to refresh their knowledge. Thus, our leisure time is depleted, for the purpose of catching up with the ever-changing technological innovation.

In sum, it is true that we are experiencing the great convenience and efficiency by the modern technology. Nevertheless, there is still overwhelming evidence suggesting that people are actually having less leisure time, partly because of the serious competition everyone is facing today and partly because of the demands to keep up and refresh their knowledge. Therefore, the efficiency cannot necessarily guarantee more leisure time and the comfort of living.

:( 还是超时。写完后自己修改了一下。

thminUID: 192642

Issue30 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：50分3秒 570 words
从2005年3月4日13时41分到2005年3月4日14时45分
------题目------
The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.
------正文------
We are living in an era when technology is progressing at an exponential velocity and greatly accelerating the efficiency of our work. Some people emphasize that technological advancement is the compelling driving force to the society. However,这里,我觉得however前后没有很明显的转折关系,因为前面"有人说科技是社会发展的驱动力"和你后面的见解"科技让人们生活更便利但没有保证更多的leisure time"这两层意思不相矛盾. as far as I am concerned, although I concede that efficiency is one of the primary goals of the technological advancement in order to save time at work, it does not guarantee more leisure time for us.
开头写得真好,比我那些直接说speaker,assert的之类的不知道强了多少倍,汗啊...学习ing!

To begin with, the progress of technology should take the precedence for efficiency which will sufficiently transform我还是觉得这里用change比较好 the way we live and work. We all have much experience that we can save much time with the modern intelligent machines and gain convenience while transportation. In the office, with the assistance of copying machines, people do not have to spend much labor to write the words one by one; with the help of the special software which is designed to process and administrate files, people can easily find out the exact information they are looking for.这两个排比很好,但是我觉得第二个应该说得更清楚明白一些,直接指出来是在computer的应用和发展方面 Moreover, owing to the arrival of internet age, it is possible now for an employee to work at home in stead of hurrying to offices every day. Time and energy are saved while formerly wasted in waiting for buses and in the traffic jams. In the foreseeable future, the development of technology will further better our living standards. 提高生活水平与你这段意思的关系不大，这句可以去掉. In this way, technology should place the primary goal to increaseto当介词用,这里感觉应该用increasing较好些 people’s efficiency.

Despite of all the time saved, we should not lose sight of the fact that people are less likely to enjoy their leisure time nowadays. less likely to enjoy leisure time意思是与以往相比不太可能能够enjoy闲暇时间,与更少的闲暇时间是不同概念啊,我觉得这个TS需要修改.As I see it, the reasons can be attributed to two aspects. Firstly, 后面我找不到第二个方面了,是不是忘了啊?people in the modern society are exposed to much more fierce competition than any period in history-- from the career market and increasing demands of the employers. The efficiency created by the intelligent machines, in fact, is reducing the numbers of people needed in the working place. The result is that, on the one hand, people who have jobs are worried about losing them; while on the other hand, millions of those, who have not found a job or recently lose it, are eager to get a position as to survive. Considering all the pressure in metal and physical 后面少了个名词吧, how can we comfortably enjoy our spare time, even if it originally aims to relax us from the tedious daily routines?这一段我觉得你的原因分析得很好,很深刻,说出了深层次的东西,这一点很好,向你学习!但是你却没有事先把现象上的东西说清楚,即没有先论证到底我们的闲暇时间是不是更少了?

In a second place, most of our leisure time is actually devoted to keep pace with the modern technology and distinguish the useful information. Although internet can serve to provide all relevant information, yet people have to spend more time to deal with the junk mail or useless information. Every technological advancement or update requires much time and attention in order to learn how to use the new technology. This is nowhere else more evident than in the field of computer science. 看到这里,觉得这段前面的句子安排有点混乱,应该把internet那个例子放在几个说理的句子全部完成以后.Like it or not, people are using most of their spare time to take courses for updated computer skills. Also, they have to spend more time searching for relevant reference to refresh their knowledge. Thus, our leisure time is depleted, for the purpose of catching up with the ever-changing technological innovation.这段提供的证据比上一段多些,论证得不错.

In sum, it is true that we are experiencing the great convenience and efficiency by the modern technology. Nevertheless, there is still overwhelming evidence 这方面证据在你文章里出现很少suggesting that people are actually having less leisure time, partly because of the serious competition everyone is facing today and partly because of the demands to keep up and refresh their knowledge. Therefore, the efficiency cannot necessarily guarantee more leisure time and the comfort of living.

楼主的语言功底很强, 句式的变化和词语的选择都很丰富,比我是强多了...基本上不需要什么改动了. 只是有些论证方面的东西,需要再注意一下. 总之比我是强很多了,楼主可不可以介绍一下提高语言能力的方法?我和你一天考.

imjasonUID: 176604

To thmin:告诉你一个秘密哈，楼主是我的同学。你也觉得她语言好了吧！知道为什么么？
因为她是三语言者。第一为粤语，第二为英语，第三才是普通话，还是因为到北方来读书不得已的哈。:D   所以呀………………………………

coweiliangUID: 195905

呵呵互相学习了，我也在想剩下这几天怎么利用呢。
我想那些闪光句型和自己从前总结的好词好句复习一下会有帮助。以前看过的资料再复习下也应该会有用的。我觉得我的论证经常是逻辑不完整，段落之间一写爽了就很容易偏题。而且构思花很多时间。 :( 交流交流经验哦～～～～～～～～

btw, to imjason:你来讽刺咧？帮 i 改作文吧～～～～～～～ :mad:
再不改又叫你请吃饭！

imjasonUID: 176604

那我不是亮门弄斧哈！

imjasonUID: 176604

We are living in an era when technology is progressing at an exponential velocity and greatly accelerating the efficiency of our work. Some people emphasize that technological advancement is the compelling driving force to the society. However, as far as I am concerned, although I concede that efficiency is one of the primary goals of the technological advancement in order to save time at work, it does not guarantee more leisure time for us.

To begin with, the progress of technology should take the precedence for efficiency which will sufficiently transform the way we live and work. We all have much experience that we can save much time with the modern intelligent machines and gain convenience while transportation.说得笼统了，具体呢？ In the office, with the assistance of copying machines, people do not have to spend much labor to write the words one by one; with the help of the special software which is designed to process and administrate files, people can easily find out the exact information they are looking for.

Moreover, owing to the arrival of internet age, it is possible now for an employee to work at home in stead of hurrying to offices every day. Time and energy are saved while formerly wasted in waiting for buses and in the traffic jams.这句话优点突兀了，在这段中是什么意思呢 In the foreseeable future, the development of technology will further better our living standards. In this way, technology should place the primary goal to increase people’s efficiency.

Despite of all the time saved, we should not lose sight of the fact that people are less likely to enjoy their leisure time nowadays. As I see it, the reasons can be attributed to two aspects. Firstly, people in the modern society are exposed to much more fierce competition than any period in history-- from the career market and increasing demands of the employers. The efficiency created by the intelligent machines, in fact, is reducing the numbers of people needed in the working place. The result is that, on the one hand, people who have jobs are worried about losing them; while on the other hand, millions of those, who have not found a job or recently lose it, are eager to get a position as to survive. Considering all the pressure in metal and physical, how can we comfortably enjoy our spare time, even if it originally aims to relax us from the tedious daily routines?

In a second place, most of our leisure time is actually devoted to keep pace with the modern technology and distinguish the useful information. Although internet can serve to provide all relevant information, yet people have to spend more time to deal with the junk mail or useless information.这个有点远了，注意关键词是效率和空闲时间了 Every technological advancement or update requires much time and attention in order to learn how to use the new technology. This is nowhere else more evident than in the field of computer science. Like it or not, people are using most of their spare time to take courses for updated computer skills. Also, they have to spend more time searching for relevant reference to refresh their knowledge. Thus, our leisure time is depleted, for the purpose of catching up with the ever-changing technological innovation.这两段都论述得不错。

In sum, it is true that we are experiencing the great convenience and efficiency by the modern technology. Nevertheless, there is still overwhelming evidence suggesting that people are actually having less leisure time, partly because of the serious competition everyone is facing today and partly because of the demands to keep up and refresh their knowledge. Therefore, the efficiency cannot necessarily guarantee more leisure time and the comfort of living.
文章很好哈。只是觉得有的句子要注意了，显得突兀，而且说了后就没有下文了

davidjackyUID: 135962

No.1 Issue30 同提第十期，期待拍转，48小时内回
Issue30 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：50分3秒 570 words
从2005年3月4日13时41分到2005年3月4日14时45分
------题目------
The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.
------正文------
We are living in an era when technology is progressing at an exponential velocity and greatly accelerating the efficiency of our work. Some people emphasize that technological advancement is the compelling driving force to the society. However, as far as I am concerned, although I concede that efficiency is one of the primary goals of the technological advancement in order to save time at work, it does not guarantee more leisure time for us.
开头不错，能够明确指出自己的观点，效率是技术进步的唯一目标，但是它不能保证更多的leisure time。
To begin with, the progress of technology should take the precedence for efficiency which will sufficiently transform the way we live and work.
技术进步能够引起效率提高
We all have much experience that we can save much time with the modern intelligent machines and gain convenience while transportation.举身边的例子，很亲切 In the office, with the assistance of copying machines, people do not have to spend much labor to write the words one by one; with the help of the special software which is designed to process and administrate files, people can easily find out the exact information they are looking for. Moreover, owing to the arrival of internet age, it is possible now for an employee to work at home in stead of hurrying to offices every day. Time and energy are saved while formerly wasted in waiting for buses and in the traffic jams. In the foreseeable future, the development of technology will further better our living standards. 从现在到未来，实际生活的例子用的很好，真的值得学习In this way, technology should place the primary goal to increase people’s efficiency.有小段的总结，好

Despite of all the time saved, we should not lose sight of the fact that people are less likely to enjoy their leisure time nowadays.一个转折，进入不能有很多leisure time的原因的论述
As I see it, the reasons can be attributed to two aspects. Firstly, people in the modern society are exposed to much more fierce competition than any period in history-- from the career market and increasing demands of the employers. The efficiency created by the intelligent machines, in fact, is reducing the numbers of people needed in the working place. The result is that, on the one hand, people who have jobs are worried about losing them; while on the other hand, millions of those, who have not found a job or recently lose it, are eager to get a position as to survive. Considering all the pressure in metal and physical, how can we comfortably enjoy our spare time, even if it originally aims to relax us from the tedious daily routines?
现代社会竞争的压力使得人们不能轻松享受leisure time，无形之中，这个时间就等于不存在，论述的很好
In a second place, most of our leisure time is actually devoted to keep pace with the modern technology and distinguish the useful information.高科技也会带来垃圾和自身对高科技也要一定的时间来掌握，而这两方面恰恰也消耗了本该存有的leisure time
Although internet can serve to provide all relevant information, yet people have to spend more time to deal with the junk mail or useless information. Every technological advancement or update requires much time and attention in order to learn how to use the new technology. This is nowhere else more evident than in the field of computer science. Like it or not, people are using most of their spare time to take courses for updated computer skills. Also, they have to spend more time searching for relevant reference to refresh their knowledge. Thus, our leisure time is depleted, for the purpose of catching up with the ever-changing technological innovation.这里有个小问题就是junk mail和useless information的并不是人们keep pace with所要的目的，仔细想想，你所论述的无非是人们为了适应高科技而给自己充电，所以although那一句最好不要

In sum, it is true that we are experiencing the great convenience and efficiency by the modern technology. Nevertheless, there is still overwhelming evidence suggesting that people are actually having less leisure time, partly because of the serious competition everyone is facing today and partly because of the demands to keep up and refresh their knowledge. Therefore, the efficiency cannot necessarily guarantee more leisure time and the comfort of living.
文章流利、论述合情合理，能够讲身边的例子变为论述的有力证据，值得大家学习