argument147 写了两次

alloyUID: 158669

The following appeared in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."


Argument147—391—35’—09/04
In this argument, the arguer claims that there will be a dramatic increase, in the next few months, of the sales of Whirwind video games. To justify the claim, the arguers points out the company have developed such video games provide lifelike graphics, which is the most important feature in the survey of the game players, and advertise the game at the people 10 to 25 years old, which is the age-group that most likely to play video games. As it stands, the argument suffers from several critical fallacies.

In the first place, though lifelike graphics is the most important feature, there are other features are important to a video game that can not be ignored. As to a video game player, the style, the story, the roles and many other points of the games are all important features; hence, the company will lose many customers if it is only care the lifelike graphics. Additionally, the survey is too vague to be convincible. There is no statistics about the number of the players in the survey. And different players prefer different games; maybe the survey is only at people who prefer lifelike graphics.

In the second place, it is wrong for the company to only advertise campaign directed at people who is between 10 and 25. As it is informed in the argument that the games require the most up-to-date computers, which is too expensive to the players between 10-25, most likely students, to buy such one. In addition, the age-group of 10-to-25 is only a portion of the players; the company will lose fans which are not in the age-group in 10-25 if it is advertising campaign directed at the age-group above. Moreover, in the former survey, the arguer does not points out they are the 10-25 years old players who prefer lifelike graphics, maybe these players care little about the lifelike graphics.

Finally, no evidence cited in the argument indicates that the sales will increase. Granted that the players like the games that the company sales, which does not mean that they will buy the games. And there are so many factors influence the sales. Fox example, whether the company is famous in the field of video games, whether players turn to new developed games such as computer games, all are not concerned.

In sum, the arguer should provide more evidence to strength the argument.

第一次写的时候觉得错误太多，思路很乱，
然后重新整理后写了第二次

结尾段以前是用孙远的模版，后来在版上看到说不是很好，就没有用了，现在不知道怎么写了，希望短小些

第一次发文，望拍

happyengleUID: 193824

In this argument, the arguer claims that there will be a dramatic increase, in the next few months, of the sales of Whirwind video games. To justify the claim, the arguers小错误 points out the company have developed such video games provideproviding lifelike graphics, which is the most important feature in the survey of the game players逻辑上有些不顺，我提供一种改法：which is the most important feature the game players take as their stands involved in the survey, and advertiseadvertised,与developed对应 the game at the people 10 to 25 years old, which is the age-group that most likely to play video games. As it stands, the argument suffers from several critical fallacies.

In the first place, though lifelike graphics is the most important feature, there are other features定语从句好歹有个引导词吧 are important to a video game that can not be ignored. As to a video game player, the style, the story, the roles and many other points of the games are all important features; hence, the company will lose many customers if it is only care the lifelike graphics. Additionally, the survey is too vague to be convincible. There is no statistics about the number of the players in the survey. And different players prefer different games; maybe the survey is only at people who prefer lifelike graphics.语言和句式上最好再改进一下

In the second place, it is wrong for the company to only advertise campaign directed at people who is between 10 and 25. As it is informed in the argument that the games require the most up-to-date computers, which is too expensive to the players between 10-25, most likely students, to buy such one. In addition, the age-group of 10-to-25 is only a portion of the players; the company will lose fans which are not in the age-group in 10-25 if it is advertising campaign directed at the age-group above. Moreover, in the former survey, the arguer does not points out they are the 10-25 years old players who prefer lifelike graphics, maybe these players care little about the lifelike graphics.攻击点没问题，只是有一点重复和啰嗦的感觉，不妨一个错误在一段里说明白了，个人意见

Finally, no evidence cited in the argument indicates that the sales will increase. Granted that the players like the games that the company sales, which does not mean that they will buy the games. And there are so many factors influence the sales. Fox example, whether the company is famous in the field of video games, whether players turn to new developed games such as computer games, all are not concerned.

In sum, the arguer should provide more evidence to strength the argument.

suggestions：pay more attention on your grammar and maybe reading others' good sentences to form your own moban :)

alloyUID: 158669

谢谢happyengle，呵呵：）

批评的很到位，语言我一直都很郁闷，经常一句话不知道怎么写，浪费大把时间

b2 我也觉得指出的错误太多，当时写第一次的时候就是觉得错太多，把思路弄乱了，并且觉得都是小错，单独一段有点夸张

salamander4.0UID: 180456

In this argument, the arguer claims that there will be a dramatic increase, in the next few months，（个人觉得这个插入语怪怪的） of the sales of Whirwind（拼错了） video games. To justify the claim, the arguers points out the company have（has） developed such video games provide(providing) lifelike graphics, which is the most important feature in the survey of the game players, and advertise the game at(介词好象不太对) the people 10 to 25 years old, which is the age-group that most likely to play video games. As it stands, the argument suffers from several critical fallacies.

In the first place, though lifelike graphics is the most important feature, there are other features are（多余的谓语） important（最好不要重复同一个词） to（for好象好一点） a video game that can not be ignored. As to a video game player, the style, the story, the roles and many other points（最好用表示“方面”或“角度”的词，而不用“观点”） of the games are all important features; hence, the company will lose many customers if it is only care the lifelike graphics. Additionally, the survey is too vague to be convincible（WB上查不到这个词，金山也用于形容人的通情达理）. There is no statistics about the number of the players in the survey. And different players prefer different games; maybe the survey is only at people who prefer lifelike graphics.

In the second place, it is wrong（这种词最好不要用） for the company to only（上面已用了，可用其他比如merely） advertise campaign directed at people who is between 10 and 25. As it is informed in the argument that the games require the most up-to-date computers, which is too expensive to the players between 10-25, most likely students, to buy such one. In addition, the age-group of 10-to-25 is only a portion of the players; the company will lose fans which are not in the age-group in 10-25 if it is advertising campaign directed at the age-group above. Moreover, in the former survey, the arguer does not points out they are the 10-25 years old players who prefer lifelike graphics, maybe these players care little about the lifelike graphics.

Finally, no evidence cited in the argument indicates that the sales will increase. Granted that the players like the games that the company sales, which does not mean that they will buy the games. And there are so many factors influence the sales. Fox（For） example, whether the company is famous in the field of video games, whether players turn to new developed games such as computer games, all（多余代词） are not concerned.

In sum, the arguer should provide more evidence to strength the argument.（可以再具体点）

有很多错误你自己检查一下可以发现的。多多检查。太多错误一看就降一个层次。

alloyUID: 158669

刚才看了以前的阿狗，有点心得
不过还是感觉很少
还是高频题

happyengleUID: 193824

恰好今天也写了这篇，只是没有发上来，就发在这里吧，跟alloy交流一下
你也批批我写的：）

Argument147  第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：30分2秒     371 words
从2005年3月9日11时9分到2005年3月9日11时30分
------题目------
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
'Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.'
------正文------
The author of the editorial argues concludes that Whirlwind(W) video games' decline trend will be reversed by making a good sale in the following months through the  introduction of new video games that contains the most important feasures to attract game players and with the effect of the great advertisement compaign.Yet,crutial logic relationship between the action and the desired result is lack in the argument that significantly undermines its persuasion.

The first evidence the author cits is the survey revealing that the element of lifelike graphics is prefered by the players in the video game.Nonetheless,essential information about the presentation of the people in the survey is lacked and consequently,the survey amount to nothing due to the pertinency of the survey. If the survey is just carried out to some children under 10 or people who is above 25,then the survey cannot be used as a support for the good sale of its new games which is advertised to people 10 to 25 years old.

Secondly,the author tries to convince us the great profit of the new games.However,the introduction of new games and advertising really requires a lot of moeny.Not only the design of the game with proficient skills in the field but also the extensive advertising campaign amount to great input.Without tremendous profit,I wonder why the output will outweigh the enormous input.

Thirdly,the author points out the game is directed to 10 to 25 young people and satisfactory lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers.To make his conclusion of the new games will make a good sale,the author has to first prove the premise that these people are willing and able to own such computers to play the games.However,it is plausible to conceive that these people are most middle school students or college students and consequently,it is highly possible mose of them cannot afford such computers.

All in all,the author's good will of the great sale of new games introduced by W is still underestimate to say that it will turn out to be true.To better support his conclusion,the author has better to make more convincing arguments with more substantial and logical evidences.

alloyUID: 158669

:) 好，今天来不及了，明天拍了

alloyUID: 158669

The author of the editorial argues concludes[多了一个] that Whirlwind(W) video games' decline trend will be reversed by making a good sale in the following months through the introduction of new video games that contains the most important feasures[feature] to attract game players and with the effect of the great advertisement compaign[这句觉得把and后面的放到to attract 的前面好一些 campaign].Yet,crutial[crucial] logic relationship between the action and the desired result is lack in the argument that significantly undermines its persuasion.

The first evidence the author cits[cites] is the survey revealing that the element of lifelike graphics is prefered[preferred] by the players in the video game.Nonetheless,essential information about the presentation of the people in the survey is lacked and consequently,the survey amount to nothing due to the pertinency of the survey[这句话有3个survey，我觉得把后半句去掉还要好一些]. If the survey is just carried out to some children under 10 or people who is above 25,then the survey cannot be used as a support for the good sale of its new games which is advertised to people 10 to 25 years old.[]

Secondly,the author tries to convince us the great profit of the new games[这句话从句是不是有问题？加个there will be].However,the introduction of new games and advertising really requires a lot of moeny[money].Not only the design of the game with proficient skills in the field but also the extensive advertising campaign amount to great input[这句话我觉得很简洁].Without tremendous profit,I wonder why the output will outweigh the enormous input.

Thirdly,the author points out the game is directed to 10 to 25 young people and [satisfactory lifelike graphics require] the most up-to-date computers.To make his conclusion of[that？] the new games will make a good sale,the author has to first prove the premise that these people are willing and able to own such computers to play the games.However,it is plausible to conceive that these people are most middle school students or college students and consequently,it is highly possible mose[most] of them cannot afford such computers.

All in all,the author's good will of the great sale of new games introduced by W is still underestimate to say that it will turn out to be true.To better support his conclusion,the author has better to make more convincing arguments with more substantial and logical evidences.

[觉得把2，3点换一下好些，另外注意标点后要加空格，没有说other features 除了lifelike graphics， 觉得这一点算重要的，另外看了很多提纲都写了profit，但是觉得这篇中题目并没有提profit，可以写sales 不一定会increase，因为说过以前decline而没有说过原因]

happyengleUID: 193824

谢谢alloy很贴心的批改
“另外注意标点后要加空格”好细心阿：）
other feasures的确是应该批到的点