[跪求]高手们帮帮忙,不劳您架改,你就看看跑没跑题!

dfdf1141UID: 179263

Issue 130( 就是孩子的社会化程度是社会命运，但不幸的是我们还没学会教孩子怎样建设更好的社会！
There is controversial issue about the education of the children on a societal level, the extent to which children are socialized determines the destiny of the society, unfortunately we human beings have not yet learn how to raise children who may become the owner of the future better society. In my observation, this issue is complex one which involves the obligation and responsibility of the community, schools and parents.

The threshold problem involves this issue is importance of education. Few would disagree that the education is one of the most important task in any society. History is fraught with evidence of the importance of the education. One famous philosopher once said that ( I paraphrase ): it is better unborn than untaught, for the root of misfortune is ignorance. One of the presidents of the America also said that we can not prepare the future for our children, but we can prepare out children for the future. Both of these sentence reveal the importance of education. Consequently, we all should wary about the process of the advancement and development of our children.

However, there is a lot of problem with the current education system. The delinquency of the teenagers, the violence and drug abuse among the students, the psychological problem with the children, to name a few. How could these happened? Who are responsible for these phenomenon? In my opinion, community, professional educators and parents are responsible for these phenomenon.

First, the parents are the first teachers of the children. Not surprisingly, the influence from parents can affect the children greatly. A recent study conducted by some famous universities reflects that most children whose parents have divorced have some kind of psychological problems, which render them not only fall back in the process of normal study, but also generate the gap forbidding the communications with other students. So to let the children be more socialized, the parents must give the children a better domestic conditions.

Secondly, the professional educators are responsible for these heart rendering phenomenon. As the population increase dramatically, the need for the local professional educators can not be sufficiently meted. So even if the teachers try their best to educate every student in their class, there is always something  they did not noticed. Consider, for instance, the enmity toward each other among some students, the drug abuse in the school, or the mental problem with some children. For the dearth of the formal educators, most of the students feel that they are not liked by their teachers. And the skills required to communicate with other people is not obtained by most of the children.  Further more, if they found themselves not cared by any people, they are quite likely do something harmful not only to others but also themselves.  

Finally, the community is quite a important influence on children. After all, we human beings are nothing if not social animals. Nobody can survive without a society, every citizen who lives in the society are suggestible especially the children who can not distinguish most of the things in the society. By nature, when we are young, we like to imitate the conducts of the people around us, even we can not understand them all. Today, the television is replete with the violent and erotic scenarios, few would disagree that this is good for the children.

In the final analysis, the socialization of the children determines the destiny of the society. parents, teachers and society must cooperate effectively to raise children who can help bring about  a better society.

gusuwuUID: 200419

基本上没跑
但是threshold problem 应该是 socialization 社会化
教育框的太窄
另外建议稍微再改改动一下
让文意更加紧凑
有些空头的句子可以舍去不用

posUID: 190885

写的联系不够紧密
Issue 130( 就是孩子的社会化程度是社会命运，但不幸的是我们还没学会教孩子怎样建设更好的社会！
There is controversial issue about the education of the children on a societal level, the extent to which children are socialized determines the destiny of the society, unfortunately we human beings have not yet learn how to raise children who may become the owner of the future better society. In my observation, this issue is complex one which involves the obligation and responsibility of the community, schools and parents.

The threshold problem involves this issue is importance of education. Few would disagree that the education is one of the most important task in any society. History is fraught with evidence of the importance of the education. One famous philosopher once said that ( I paraphrase ): it is better unborn than untaught, for the root of misfortune is ignorance. One of the presidents of the America also said that we can not prepare the future for our children, but we can prepare out children for the future. Both of these sentence reveal the importance of education. Consequently, we all should wary about the process of the advancement and development of our children.

However, there is a lot of problem with the current education system. The delinquency of the teenagers, the violence and drug abuse among the students, the psychological problem with the children, to name a few. How could these happened? Who are responsible for these phenomenon? In my opinion, community, professional educators and parents are 最好加限定词如: partially等,较客观responsible for these phenomenon.

First, the parents are the first teachers of the children. Not surprisingly, the influence from parents can affect the children greatly用被动好简洁,Children are greatly influenced by…….. A recent study conducted by some famous universities reflects that most children whose parents have divorced have some kind of psychological problems, which render不要该用(rendering 简洁) them not only fall back in the process of normal study, but also generate the gap gap 已经很形象拉,这里该用which 限定拉forbidding the communications with other students. So to let the children be more socialized, the parents must give the children a better domestic conditions是家庭环境吧.最好写成有些成人对自身家庭事物的不完善处理,对孩子教育是有影响的,而指出我们的家长做为孩子的第一任老师,做的还不够,所以孩子的性格等方面受到影响.

Secondly, the professional educators are responsible for these heart rendering 指心理变化?好象表书有问题.phenomenon. As the population increase dramatically, the need for the local professional educators can not be sufficiently metedmeet?. So even if the teachers try their best to educate every student in their class, there is always something they did not 时态noticed. Consider, for instance, the enmity toward each other among some students, the drug abuse in the school, or the mental problem with some children. For the dearth of the formal educators, most of the students feel that they are not liked by their teachers. And the skills required to communicate with other people is not obtained by most of the children这句话用被动读起来不是很爽. Further more, if they found themselves not cared by any people还是不要这么说,还是集中讲 老师吧 they are quite likely do something harmful not only to others but also themselves.

Finally, the community is quite a important influence on children. After all, we human beings are nothing if not social animals. Nobody can survive without a society, every citizen who lives in the society are suggestible especially the children who can not distinguish most of the things in the society. By nature, when we are young, we like to imitate the conducts of the people around us, even we can not understand them all. Today, the television is replete with the violent and erotic scenarios, few would disagree that this is good for the children.

In the final analysis, the socialization of the children determines the destiny of the society. parents, teachers and society must cooperate effectively to raise children who can help bring about a better society.这里提到了cooperate显的很突然,不是很合适.而且对前面的段落没有一个好的总结.
可能说的过重了,但感觉点题不够.
可以这么说大致这样: children socialize 有关教育,而教育涉及家庭-家长,学校-老师,社会
但在这些方面 我们作的不够,存在很多问题 ,(就象你提到的那样),为此我们 作的还不够好,
最后,在这个基础上,你提出 要多方 合作!
个人意见 ,你可以保留个人 看法
有不对之处,请谅解!