argument117 熊熊作业

duckyl35UID: 201612

117The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."
提纲：
1调查数据不具代表性，有多少人参与调查，被调查者的职业范围
2 即使数据有效，就意味所需办公用品的增加么？也许以前家里就有比较齐全的设备
3有必要所有的V商店都增加储藏量么？不同地区的状况不一样
4 一定确定利润会增加么？列举他因：展品质量，服务态度等。支出与收入的仔细调查（without a complete cost-benefit analysis……）


The arguer claims that the office-supply departments of the Valu-Mart stores will become the most profitable component of the stores when they increasing the stock of home office machines and supplies in all their stores. To strengthen the argument, the arguer provides a survey which illustrates that most of the respondents are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. After a careful examination, we will find several critics in this argument.

In the first place, the survey which cited by the arguer is not persuasive as it stands. Because we do not know the survey population, maybe the survey only conducts among a few people, while those people are just taking work home, then the survey can not be effective. In addition, maybe the respondents are complaining for their heavy work to the survey, so the result of the survey is suspicious.

Secondly, even though the survey can representative most population, does it mean that the need of those home office machines and supplies will increase? The arguer fails to consider that the workers have been in possession of home and office machines, in short time they need not purchase large amounts machines, or their company supplies the equipments to them. Then we can conclude that the arguer’s statement is too hastily.

Thirdly, the arguer’s suggestion that all Valu-Mart should increase the stock of the home office machines and supplies is unwarranted. To this point, the arguer provides no information about the distribution of the stores, maybe all stores are located in different areas of the state, thus, we are not sure whether the change is suitable for every store.
Last but not least, how does the arguer confirm that the profit will increase? The arguer claims that all stores should increase stock of home office machines, but he fails to consider the cost of stock. Except that, the arguer neglects other possible reasons for enlarging the profit, such as the quality of their machines, the service they supplied after sale etc. So without careful cost-benefit analysis, it is unfair to conclude that the store will have a boosting profit.

To sum up, the conclusion is not persuasive as it shows. To make it more convincing, the arguer should provide more information about the survey. Besides that, we should inform more about working conditions at those workers’ homes. In addition, unless the arguer considers the possible causes about the increasing profit, the conclusion is untenable.
感觉这篇是写的最认真的一篇了～:)
要狠狠拍哦～:hug:

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-8 at 17:41 ]

neo_athrunUID: 2111270

The arguer claims that the office-supply departments of the Valu-Mart stores will become the most profitable component of the stores when they increasing the stock of home office machines and supplies in all their stores. To strengthen the argument, the arguer provides a survey which illustrates that most of the respondents are required to take more work home这里语法有问题啊at home吧？ with them from the workplace than they were in the past. After a careful examination, we will find several criticsflaws比较的好 in this argument.

In the first place, the survey which cited by the arguer is not persuasive as it stands. Because we do not know the survey population, maybe the survey only conducts这里应该是被动吧？ among a few people, while those people are just taking work home, then the survey can not be effective. In addition, maybe the respondents are complaining for their heavy work to the survey这个想法很新颖！, so the result of the survey is suspicious.这一段没有深刻论述出提纲所列的调查代表性问题，而且没有提到representative，有点浅尝辄止的感觉，继续深入！

Secondly, even though the survey can representativerepresent most populationpopulation 这个词不好, does it mean that the need of those home office machines and supplies will increase? The arguer fails to consider that the workers have been in possession of home and office machines, 没有连词in short time they need not purchase large amounts ofmachines, or their company supplies the equipments to them. Then we can conclude that the arguer’s statement is too hastily根据什么做的推断草率了？这里缺少点东西，比如lacking such evidence that....

Thirdly, the arguer’s suggestion that all Valu-Mart should increase the stock of the home office machines and supplies is unwarranted. To this point, the arguer provides no information about the distribution of the stores, maybe 用一下perhaps更加的正式all stores are located in different areas of the state, thus, we are not sure whether the change is suitable for every store.

Last but not least, how does the arguer confirm that the profit will increase? 自我感觉用问句不正式，可以让步一下然后再说作者不能如何如何The arguer claims that all stores should increase stock of home office machines, but he fails to consider the cost of stock. Except for  这里也可以构造一个从句，把that换成which呵呵that, the arguer neglects other possible reasons for enlarging the profit, such as the quality of their machines, the service they supplied after sale etc售后服务！好！. So without careful cost-benefit analysis, it is unfair to conclude that the store will have a boosting profit.

To sum up, the conclusion is not persuasive as it shows. To make it more convincing, the arguer should provide more information about the survey. Besides that, we should inform more about working conditions at those workers’ homes. In addition, unless the arguer considers the possible causes about the increasing profit, the conclusion is untenable.
还少探讨了一个文中的错误论断，就是成为利润最高的部门，作者也没有提供足够的其他部门的信息可以看看我的，我的有些写得散了唉https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... type%26typeid%3D102

sebarinaUID: 2108158

The arguer claims that the office-supply departments of the Valu-Mart stores will become the most profitable component of the stores when they increasing语法 the stock of home office machines and supplies in all their stores. To strengthen the argument, the arguer provides a survey which illustrates that most of the respondents are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. After a careful examination, we will find several critics in this argument.

In the first place, the survey which cited by the arguer is not persuasive as it stands. Because we do not know the survey populationamount, maybe the survey only conducts among a few people, while those people are just taking work home, then the survey can not be effective.两个对survey的怀疑最好分开来说 In addition, maybe the respondents are complaining for their heavy work to the survey, so the result of the survey is suspicious.

Secondly, even though the survey can representative形容词吧 most populationquantity or amount, does it mean that the need of those home office machines and supplies will increase? The arguer fails to consider that the workers have been in possession of home and office machines, in short time难道这是连词？ they need not purchase large amounts machines, or their company supplies the equipments to them. Then we can conclude that the arguer’s statement is too hastily词性啊词性.

Thirdly, the arguer’s suggestion that all Valu-Mart should increase the stock of the home office machines and supplies is unwarranted. To this point, the arguer provides no information about the distribution of the stores, maybe all stores are located in different areas of the state, thus, we are not sure whether the change is suitable for every store. 恩这点不错

Last but not least, how does the arguer confirm that the profit will increase?TS少用问句 The arguer claims that all stores should increase stock of home office machines, but heor she fails to consider the cost of stock. Except that, Besidesthe arguer neglects other possible reasons for enlarging the profit, such as the quality of their machines, the service they supplied after sale etc. So without careful cost-benefit analysis, it is unfair to conclude that the store will have a boosting profit.

To sum up, the conclusion is not persuasive as it shows. To make it more convincing, the arguer should provide more information about the survey. Besides that, besides用的不错我都快忘了we should inform more about working conditions at those workers’ homes. In addition, unless the arguer considers the possible causes about the increasing profit, the conclusion is untenable.

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简单清晰是优点~注意小错误
PS.你拍我拍的好轻哦~下次狠点

叮咚UID: 202883

The arguer claims that the office-supply departments of the Valu-Mart stores will become the most profitable component of the stores when they increasing the stock of home office machines and supplies in all their stores. To strengthen the argument, the arguer provides a survey which illustrates that most of the respondents are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. After a careful examination, we will find several critics in this argument.

In the first place, the survey which which去掉也可以 cited by the arguer is not persuasive as it stands. Because we do not know the survey population, 确切的说应该是调查的人数吧~~可以这样写：the sample of the population surveyed maybeETS中常用perhaps the survey only conducts被动！！ among a few people, while those people are just taking work home, 这句改成people的定从更好些then去掉,because …,then…语法上不通啊 the survey can not be effective. 整句话改后是这样：Because we do not know the sample of the population surveyed, perhaps the survey only was conducted among a few people who just take work home, the survey can not be effective.In addition, maybe同样！！ the respondents are complaining for their heavy work to the survey, so the result of the survey is suspicious.个人感觉这个他因有些牵强
段评：攻击点找的挺准，但攻击的力度不够深入，另外感觉你是把“样本数量不足”和“选择性样本”这两个错误揉一起了？！

Secondly, even though the survey can representative动词形式！！ most population, does it mean that the need of those home office machines and supplies will increase? The arguer fails to consider that the fact that the workers 加who变为定从 have been in possession of home and office machines, in short time ， they need not purchase large amounts amount of machinesany longer, orand that their company supplies the equipments to them. Then we can conclude that the arguer’s statement is too hastily.
我觉得上两段并成一段论证会更有说服力，即：不知道有多少人参加了调查，调查的对象是不是特殊，也许他们正好都是在家工作的人，也许他们已经都有了自己的办公用品，无论是自己以前买的还是单位给配备的

Thirdly, the arguer’s suggestion that all Valu-Mart should increase the stock of the home office machines and supplies is unwarranted. To this point,不地道！As far as this point the arguer provides no information about the distribution of the stores, maybe all stores are located in different areas of the state, thus, we are not sure whether the change is suitable for every store.这段的批驳点不太明白，能再深入些么？

Last but not least, how does the arguer confirm that the profit will increase?注意段首句的形式要符合考试的形式啊！！ The arguer claims that all stores should increase stock of home office machines, but he fails to consider the cost of stock.. Except that,？？ the arguer neglects other possible reasons for enlarging the profit, such as the quality of their machines, the service they supplied after sale etc. So without careful cost-benefit analysis, it is unfair to conclude that the store will have a boosting好！！！ profit.这段批的到位，学习

To sum up, the conclusion is not persuasive as it shows. To make it more convincing, the arguer should provide more information about the survey. Besides that去掉that, we should inform more about working conditions at those workers’ homes.condition?这个和结论有关么？ In addition, unless the arguer considers the possible causes about the increasing profit, the conclusion is untenable.

总体感觉还行，尤其是最后一个逻辑错误批得不错，其他几个多注意深入就更好了
再接再厉！！加油！！