argument6 jazz club 同主题

小室黄瓜UID: 2155213

OPIC：ARGUMENT 6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."
WORDS：565          TIME：1:02:07          DATE：2006-3-18

In this argument, the arguer assumes that the new jazz club-C Note would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. To support his assumption, he points out several reasons to sustain that it would have many market all of itself and there are countless people  in Monroe enjoy  jazz. Nevertheless, these reason can not convince me and the analyzing process is not cogent.

To begin with, the it is questionable that whether the expenditure of the typical fan can reflect the state of people's enjoyment  in Monroe. On the one hand, a nationwide study could only tell us the average condition throughout the country. And the typical jazz fan may not be the one in Monroe but in other places where jazz is quite popular. On the other hand, it opens to doubt that how much of the 1000 dollars per year has been spent in jazz clubs? We all know that there are many ways for a fan to entertain himselves such as going to the concert and buying himselves CDs on jazz and so forth.  Maybe only a little deal of the money have been spent to jazz club.

Even if the typical jazz fan is just in Monroe and the 1000 dollars all give to the jazz club, we can not grant that the jazz club in Monroe is as popular as the arguer has said. The three reason sustaining  the fact that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe suffer from some flaws. Firstly, over 100,000 people attended its jazz festival doesn't mean that there are so many people like jazz. This kind of jazz festival may probablly be free to take part in so the large quantity of peole including the olds, the children can all been included, who may  not be the normal fans even in the attracting festival. And it is possible that they are just go out to have a look. Secondly, the jazz musicians live in Monroe, however, the arguer fails to testify that they will attend the jazz club to share joys with people in Monroe and they may have concert of their own even not in Monroe but other developed places. Thirdly, the highest-rated radio program is " Jazz Nightly" which airs every weeknight perhaps because that it is only broadcasted in weeknight and is the only entermaintal program of the radiou programs that many peple who wouldn't like jazz but throughout the whole week's extension of political radio programs they keen on the only entertainment from radio.

Finally, even if jazz club in Monroe is popular, to say that the location of C-Note can make profits. A good location is not always be far away from other clubs. Maybe there are not so many peole aroud this location and even ther are, we can not assure that they will choose C-Note only for the reason that it is near to arrive. Other more crutial factors will have impact on the popularity of the jazz clube. As an illustration, the location in the center of the city, population density, level of expenditure to entertainment  of that district and also the powerful advertisement and advanced equipment of the jazz club, without which any club may fall not be liked.

In sum, the arguer can not conclude for the mere facts which may not contribute to the assumption but should sustain the conclusion with more facts as illustrated above.

ciceUID: 2140424

In this argument, the arguer assumes that the new jazz club-(破折号好像不是一个-)C Note would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. To support his assumption, he points out several reasons to sustain that it would have many market all of itself and there are countless people in Monroe enjoy jazz. Nevertheless, these reason can not convince me and the analyzing process is not cogent. (稳重，谨慎的开头)

To begin with, the it is questionable that whether the expenditure of the typical fan can reflect the state of people's enjoyment in Monroe. On the one hand, a nationwide study could only tell us the average condition throughout the country. And the typical jazz fan may not be the one in Monroe but in other places where jazz is quite popular. On the other hand, it opens to doubt that how much of the 1000 dollars per year has been spent in(on) jazz clubs? We all know that there are many ways for a fan to entertain himselves such as going to the concert and buying himselves CDs on jazz and so forth.  Maybe only a little deal of the money have been spent to jazz club(s). (攻击典型jazz fan的花费。找出了两条大的漏洞。)

Even if the typical jazz fan is just in Monroe and the 1000 dollars all give to the jazz club, we can not grant that the jazz club in Monroe is(will be) as popular as the arguer has said. The three reason sustaining the fact that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe suffer from some flaws. Firstly, (the statistics that) over 100,000 people attended its jazz festival doesn't (necessarily) mean that there are so many people like jazz. This kind of jazz festival may probably(多余) be free to take part in so the large quantity of peole including the olds (old), the children can all been included, who may  not be the normal fans even in the attracting festival. And it is possible that they are just go (went) out to have a look. Secondly, the jazz musicians live in Monroe, however, the arguer fails to testify that they will attend the jazz club to share joys(joy) with people in Monroe and they may have concert of their own even not in Monroe but other developed places. Thirdly, the highest-rated radio program is " Jazz Nightly" which airs every weeknight perhaps because that it is only broadcasted in weeknight and is the only entermaintal program of the radiou programs that many peple who wouldn't like jazz but throughout the whole week's extension of political radio programs they keen on the only entertainment from radio.(这一段写得非常具体，很有说服力)

Finally, even if (the new)jazz club in Monroe is(感觉用将来时一些) popular, to say that the location of C-Note can make profits (may be too hasty). A good location is not always be far away from other clubs. Maybe there are not so many peole aroud this location and even ther are, we can not assure that they will choose C-Note only for the reason that it is near to arrive(多余). Other more crutial factors will have impact on the popularity of the jazz clube. As an illustration, the location in the center of the city, population density, level of expenditure to entertainment of that district and also the powerful advertisement and advanced equipment of the jazz club, without which any club may fall not be liked.

In sum, the arguer can not conclude for(from) the mere facts which may not contribute to the assumption(s) but should sustain the conclusion with more facts as illustrated above.

(很明显是模考，拼写错误和结尾不充实。重大漏洞全都挑出来了，而且按倒序攻击原文，很新颖。各段之间连接也很出色。)

宝贝小猪UID: 2135340

In this argument, the arguer assumes that the new jazz club-C Note would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. To support his assumption, he points out several reasons to sustain that it would have many market all of itself and there are countless people  in Monroe enjoy  jazz. Nevertheless, these reasons can not convince me and the analyzing process is not cogent.

To begin with, the（去掉） it is questionable that whether the expenditure of the typical fan can reflect the state of people's enjoyment  in Monroe（既然用了questionable了就可以不用whether了，我觉得好像重复了）. On the one hand, a nationwide study could only tell us the average condition throughout the country. And the typical jazz fan may not be（join） the one in Monroe but in other places where jazz is quite popular. On the other hand, it opens to doubt that how much of the 1000 dollars per year has been spent in jazz clubs? We all know that there are many ways for a fan to entertain himselves（himself） such as going to the concert and buying himselves CDs on jazz and so forth.  Maybe only a little deal of the money have been spent to jazz club.

Even if the typical jazz fan is just in Monroe and the 1000 dollars all give to the jazz club, we can not grant that the jazz club in Monroe is as popular as the arguer has said. The three reason sustaining  the fact that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe suffer from some flaws. Firstly, over 100,000 people attended its jazz festival doesn't mean that there are so many people like jazz. This kind of jazz festival may probablly be free to take part in so the large quantity of peole including the olds, the children can all been included, who may  not be the normal fans even in the attracting festival. And it is possible that they are just go（just go） out to have a look. Secondly, the jazz musicians live in Monroe, however, the arguer fails to testify that they will attend the jazz club to share joys with people in Monroe and they may have concert of their own even not in Monroe but other developed places. Thirdly, the highest-rated radio program is " Jazz Nightly" which airs every weeknight perhaps because that it is only broadcasted in weeknight and is the only entermaintal program of the radiou programs that many peple who wouldn't like jazz but throughout the whole week's extension of political radio programs they keen on the only entertainment from radio.（你这一段写的错误太多了导致这段很长，其实可以就写1－2个小错误具体攻击， 你看看能不能试着把他们分开写，写你觉得错的最厉害的，其实就你分析的关于100，000的都可以作为一段了，关于音乐家还可以分析成一段的说明显后面的两个reason分析的不够全面，其实受批驳的论据是完全可以写出一段的了）

Finally, even if jazz club in Monroe is popular, to say that the location of C-Note can make profits. A good location is not always be far away from other clubs. Maybe there are not so many peole aroud this location and even ther are, we can not assure that they will choose C-Note only for the reason that it is near to arrive. （为什么不去呢？除了远以外，还有没有别的原因呢？比如说其他的club价格低廉，服务态度好等等？分析一下）Other more crutial factors will have impact on the popularity of the jazz clube. As an illustration, the location in the center of the city, population density, level of expenditure to entertainment of that district and also the powerful advertisement and advanced equipment of the jazz club, without which any club may fall not be liked.（这个句子很长，导致我没有看懂，考试的时候尽量不要写太长的句子，太长了就把考官给弄晕了）

In sum, the arguer can not conclude for the mere facts which may not contribute to the assumption but should sustain the conclusion with more facts as illustrated above.

总的感觉你的语言还可以，用词也行，但是觉得你写的结构不是很好，感觉你把所有的错误都写了，其实只要分析其中的几个错误就行，我一般就是这样，3个论证段就写3个错误，即使有10个错误我也就写这么多，与其都写还不如把几个大的错误都写好呢
Ps：你的小错误太多啦，一看就是模考，不过模考了以后可以在改改在贴上来的啦

可能拍的太很了，这些只是我的个人意见，因为水平有限，如果有不同的意见还希望共同探讨，呵呵

[ 本帖最后由 宝贝小猪 于 2006-3-18 13:12 编辑 ]

wenyuZUID: 2113611

来晚了来晚了
把你的文章给你留下来了哈,晚上改了给你贴回来
对不起哈
大家一起加油!