我的5T同主题写作第一期的正式修改稿！

lanccyUID: 2156906

哈哈，改过诸位gter的文章后，同时也吸取了大家给我提出的宝贵意见和大家的精华，隆重推出我的第二稿，希望各位继续给与关注支持！:handshake

When faced with the dilemma of whether to build a large factory near our community or not, quite a few may strongly oppose because of the potential threat of pollution. This may sound reasonable; however, it does not bear closer analysis when we find that a large factory can improve the living standards of local residents by providing more job opportunities as well as improving transportation system. In other words, a large factory is worth constructing.

To begin with, a large factory creates more job vacancies. For the factory to operate, not only managers, senior technicians are needed, but a portion of workers, as is known to us, are essential. Besides, these job opportunities go into other interrelated industries as well, including catering, lodging, shopping and so forth. With more jobs readily available, chances of better pay increase steadily. And with more income at hand, more diversified commodities can be purchased to enrich people’s life.

The second reason why a large factory is needed follows closely on the first one. A profitable factory leads to the expansion of the local transportation system, which will benefit inhabitants tremendously. As we know, both the input of the raw material and the output of the final products require an advanced transportation network that extends to cover most of the industrial and commercial regions. Hence the convenient transportation makes possible the long distance travel of residents with lower cost and less time.

Despite the merits listed above, nonetheless, I have to confess that the construction of a large factory does bring about some problems, among which pollution is possibly ranked first. Nothing can be more annoying, as I reckon, than having to breathe dusty air, drink turbid water, and bear loud noise. Yet, by appropriate regulation of the government, such as setting a limited amount of pollutant emission, such problems would not be so troublesome.

To put into a nutshell, the risks of constructing a large factory are outweighed by the benefits it will bring to us. Since the advantages that, the living standards can be propelled profoundly due to the new factory, are so evident, it is sagacious to approve the proposal of building a large factory in my neighborhood.

polymathUID: 179557

应邀过来看看，等会贴意见！;)

polymathUID: 179557

首先向猫猫表示感谢，荣幸之致。下面小谈一点愚见！:o
When faced with the dilemma of whether to build a large factory near our community or not, quite a few may strongly oppose because of the potential threat of pollution. This may sound reasonable; however, it does not bear closer analysis when we find that a large factory can improve the living standards of local residents by providing more job opportunities as well as improving transportation system. In other words, a large factory is worth constructing.

To begin with, a large factory creates more job vacancies. For the factory to operate, not only managers, senior technicians are needed, but a portion of workers, as is known to us, are essential. Besides, these job opportunities go into other interrelated industries as well, including catering, lodging, shopping and so forth. With more jobs readily available, chances of better pay increase steadily. And with more income at hand, more diversified commodities can be purchased to enrich people’s life.

The second reason why a large factory is needed follows closely on the first one. A profitable factory leads to the expansion of the local transportation system, which will benefit inhabitants tremendously. As we know, both the input of the raw material and the output of the final products require an advanced transportation network that extendsextending? to cover most of the industrial and commercial regions. Hence the convenient transportation makes possible the long distance travel of residents with lower cost and less time.这一段分析的很不错，赞！

Despite the merits listed above, nonetheless, I have to confess that the construction of a large factory does bring about some problems, among which pollution is possibly ranked first. Nothing can be more annoying, as I reckon, than having to breathe dusty air, drink turbid water, and bear loud noise. Yet, by appropriate regulation of the government, such as setting a limited amount of pollutant emission, such problems would not be so troublesome。很简练，真佩服猫猫还没有经过G的锤炼就写成这样的文章！

To put into a nutshell, the risks of constructing a large factory are outweighed by the benefits it will bring to us. Since the advantages that, the living standards can be propelled profoundly due to the new factory, are so evident, it is sagacious to approve the proposal of building a large factory in my neighborhood.

句式丰富，语言流畅，用词也很准确到位。用红色标出来的都是模版吧！:rolleyes:虽然行文很自然，但是arg味道过于浓厚，带有驳论性质，可不可以将模板类容简化，增添一些生动的细节描写，这是美中不足之处。

lanccyUID: 2156906

嗯，谢谢polymath!
红色标出的确实是模板撒！估计是上新东方的后遗症。当时老师一直强调文章结构的逻辑性，所以就小看了一下黄皮书后的模板，结果用出来以后无法得到肯定啊，难过的说……
以后会注意改进！多加点细节描写

duoduo1011UID: 2189810

的确写得很不错，学习！

[ 本帖最后由 duoduo1011 于 2006-4-15 12:08 编辑 ]

duoduo1011UID: 2189810

有时间帮我改改好么？多谢~

lanccyUID: 2156906

有没有人给评个分呢

lanccyUID: 2156906

把你的文章连接贴出来吧duoduo1011

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 lanccy 于 2006-4-14 19:46 发表
哈哈，改过诸位gter的文章后，同时也吸取了大家给我提出的宝贵意见和大家的精华，隆重推出我的第二稿，希望各位继续给与关注支持！:handshake

When faced with the dilemma of whether to build a large facto ...

的确写得很不错，学习！especially, your introduction.   when i write an essay, i often write "bodies" before "introduction" because it can save my time.  that is how come i always pay much attention to the introduction of an essay.   Good essay.

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-15 13:44 编辑 ]