topic 166 by xizzhu 欢迎拍砖---大家改后留下琏接

lanccyUID: 2156906

原帖由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-16 14:39 发表


right now, i can tell you about that---不是必需.  把问题先说清楚第一位.  偶觉得"这些复杂的东东"特别适合于 "法典".  为了让别人找不到破绽.  only my persoanl opinion.

如果&q ...

哈哈，你有GMAT的OG！同道中人！什么时候考？还是已经考过了？

personally speaking, I prefer long sentences, which is I what I can't agree with you.

lanccyUID: 2156906

另外，小词用太多。例如look on，新东方老师说过，最好用一个动词来代替小词词组，此处可以换为consider之类

czj_swufeUID: 199954

原帖由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-16 14:06 发表
topic 166.
People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your ...

措辞非常规范流畅，但是句与句之间的感觉有点过于独立，虽然每一句都掷地有声，但给人感觉是散开的珍珠落到玉盘里。
文章总体推进很好，向你多学习;)

谢谢对我作文拍砖

loiswtfUID: 2177029

It is not only age but also experience that makes people adults.  The world looks at people as adults（people look one person as an adult,后面相应的人称改，另外世界看..是比喻的意思嘛？） when they have had certain experiences.  These experiences include graduating from school, having a job, and getting married

Graduating from college is like graduating（毕业到什么好像不通顺啊,但不知咋改） into adulthood.  When a person finishes school, she is no longer dependent on her parents economically.  She is prepared to earn her own living.  She is experienced enough to make decisions about what kind of job she wants.  She is ready to be on her own (前面这句话和划线处有点重复).

Getting a job definitely makes（turns） a person into an adult.  A person with a job supports himself.  He has responsibilities at work that he must fulfill.  Unlike a child, he can't cry or complain to his parents if he doesn't like something about his job.  He has to work it out with his boss and coworkers, or learn to tolerate it.  The world looks on a job holder(employee) as a responsible personWhen a person gets married, she has made a final step into adulthood.  She is no longer (not only) responsible only to herself; she is(but aslo) also responsible to her spouse and children.  She has to be mature enough to make sacrifices for them and to love them unconditionally.  She is also now considered old(用词不太准确吧，要老了才行吗) enough （前面这半句改成She is also now considered being ready ）to take care of her parents when(whenever) they need it(her)

The world looks on people as adults when they have had certain experiences.  (与首段重复用句呀！意思可以一样，但表达要改变啊，不是写中文呢)These are experiences that give people the chance to be independent and responsible.
总体感觉有点单薄了些，可能是因为句子之间的衔接不够紧密，另外人称用得比较混乱。建议润色一下语言，好多重复用词，尽量用同义词，虽然我也做得不好，不过提醒一下。

yogurt4UID: 198389

看了一下,文章的语言比较流畅,结构清晰,这些是优点.
如果我来挑刺的话,内容上比较单薄.
题目说People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult?
最好先论述下这些difference是什么,再写哪些experience相应的make a person an adult,这样感觉更深刻一些.
比如,你写的学校毕业,工作,结婚
三者分别从知识准备,经济独立,对社会或者其他人的责任,前面二个intro-personal, 后面一个inter-personal,分别区别孩子和成人.建议每一段都把这些清楚的点出来,不要写例子而不明确的点名中心,这样力度就比较弱.

看你的第一个BODY,学校毕业让人做好准备踏入社会,做出选择,这两点其实和学校毕业没有太直接的关系,后面的理由,给人的感觉有点情感化了.
:)