Issue130 【flamy July小组】第二次作业

fishydsUID: 2197003

130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

时间2小时，字数：518

    I agree with the speaker’s assertion that the destiny of society hinges on the socialization of children. I also admit that we have a long way to learn how to raise children in order to bring about a better society, though it might be hard to reach the optimum situation because of human nature that can be changed little by educ-ation.
  
    Firstly, it can not be denied that the destiny of society is determined by cherished values or moralities that are shared by individuals in the society, such as cooperation, tolerance, compassion and democracy. Indeed, the destiny of society sometimes is influenced by external factors, such as wars, starvation, plague or other things we can not predict. But these disasters occurred occasionally, and could be defeated and overcome eventually, especially in modern society in which human has more power than before. Thus it is cherished values of individuals that determine the destiny of society. At the same time, almost all of these values are formed when the individuals were children. So the socialization of children now determines the destiny of society. Consider how a child cooperates with others to participate in the football games, and how a child becomes tolerate and compassionate when he made a mistake and then others help them. The awareness of democracy is also cultivated when children feel their rights and privacy are respected by their parents or teachers. The cherished values are instilled into children’s minds through these experiences, and would influence the destiny of society when children become adults.
  
    Unfortunately, what we have done to raise children is not satisfying. We put too much emphasis on the examination grades and overlook the formation of children’s character. We always have the misleading perspective that high grades means high quality of education, instead of considering children’s interests. This education system has constrained children’s creativity and originality because the subjects tested in the qualified examination are too limited, and could not reflect children’s comprehensive aptitude and talent. Eventually, what we raise might be the machines for examination, not creative and qualified citizens. Moreover, our education introduces too much competition between children. Children have to contend for the chances to acquire higher education, which is essential for their later careers. Too much competition may compel children to discard valuable compassion and tolerance, and they would become indifferent to the suffering of others. We can not anticipate that the society would be better when most of our cherished values are discarded by children due to over competition that we impose on them.
   
    However, I have to admit that there is something education can not change or change little. Negative human nature, such as selfishness, avarice, and vanity, might be invariable. They can not be completely eliminated no matter how well we do. Thus we should not expect that raising children could resolve all the problems our society suffering.
   
    From what has been discussed above, children’s socialization determines the destiny of society and what we have done to raise children is to interfere the formation of their cherished values, other than help them to bring a better society.

[ 本帖最后由 fishyds 于 2006-7-7 21:01 编辑 ]

苯石UID: 2169611

I agree with the speaker’s assertion that the destiny of society hinges on the
socialization of children. I also admit that we have a long way to learn how to raise
children in order to bring about a better society, though it might be hard to reach the optimum situation because of human nature that can be changed little by
education. [这句看起来有'人之初,性本恶'的感觉. 好象人的本性是不好的. 一句中论点有两: 既谈了人的本性, 又涉及了后天教育是否有用, 是不是太多了?]  


    Firstly, it cannot be denied that the destiny of society is determined by cherished values or moralities that are shared by individuals in the society, such as cooperation, tolerance, compassion and democracy. [可以根据首字母的顺序写这几个词]   Indeed, the destiny of society sometimes is influenced by external factors, such as wars, starvation, plague or other things we can not predict. But these disasters occurred occasionally, and could be defeated and overcome eventually, especially in modern society in which human has more power than before. [actually war, starvation (noted here they are not natural disasters) are caused or provoked by human beings. Increasing human power does not eliminate wars at all. There are three major wars (WWI, WWII, and the Cold War) through out the 20th century in which science and technology have been growing fastest in human history.]           Thus it is cherished values of individuals that determine the destiny of society. At the same time, almost all of these values are formed when the individuals were children. [个人感觉这时另一方面了, 是不是该另起一段?]    So the socialization of children now determines the destiny of society. Consider how a child cooperates with others to participate in the football games, and how a child becomes tolerate [WF:tolerant]  and compassionate when he made a mistake and then others help them. The awareness of democracy is also cultivated when children feel their     rights and privacy are respected by their parents or teachers. The cherished values are instilled into children’s minds through these experiences, and would influence the destiny of society when children become adults. [排比句与前一部分4个词遥相呼应, 不错. 而且注意到了用词的变换.]  


    Unfortunately [用however转折另起一段更好?], what   we have done to raise children is not satisfying. We put too much emphasis on the examination grades and overlook the formation of children’s character. We always have the misleading perspective that high grades means high quality of education, instead of considering children’s interests. This education system has constrained children’s creativity and originality because the subjects tested in the qualified examination are too limited, and could not reflect children’s comprehensive aptitude and talent. Eventually, what we raise might be the machines for examination, not creative and qualified citizens. Moreover, our education introduces too much competition between children. Children have to contend for the chances to acquire higher education, which is essential for their later careers. Too much competition may compel children to discard valuable compassion and tolerance, and they would become indifferent to the suffering of others. We can not anticipate that the society would be better [better off]   when most of our cherished values are discarded by children due to over competition that we impose on them. [有competition不代表好的价值观念就被丢弃了呀. 这其中没有必然的逻辑联系, 需要论证一下吧? 感觉这都可以再写一篇ISSUE了.]    
  
    However [这个HOWEVER用得似乎不是很合适. 紧接着的前一部分并不是在将EDUCATION改变了很多, 而是现行教育的一些弊端, 不是吗]   , I  have to admit that there is something education can not change or change little. Negative human nature, such as selfishness, avarice, and vanity, might be invariable. They cannot be completely eliminated no matter how well we do. Thus we should not expect that raising children could resolve all the problems our society suffering [TENSE: are suffering from] . [教育的局限性只是这么一笔带过, 会不会显得论证力度不够?]   

    From what has been discussed above, children’s socialization determines the destiny of society and what we have done to raise children is to interfere the formation of their cherished values, other than help them to bring a better society.
[教育局限性的观点在总结中没有提到. ]

that's all.
希望多多讨论!
PLUS, 这题目挺深的, 感觉45分钟内几乎不可能写好的

[ 本帖最后由 苯石 于 2006-7-8 11:20 编辑 ]

fishydsUID: 2197003

呵呵，谢谢，批改得很到位