argument200 jalline 一天没写, 居然超时了... 留链回拍~

jallineUID: 2192970

减少工作量, 帮忙看看主体部分就可以了~~

TOPIC: ARGUMENT200 - Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients.
WORDS: 456          TIME: >0:30:00(超时3~4min)          DATE: 2006-8-9



First and foremost, the study invoked by the author is open to doubt. As the dental disease is related much to the people's conventional habits, like the diet construction, the eating frequency, the food preference, either of which will dramatically affect the incidence of the dental diseases. As a result, what really matters is not the gender. Chance is that, due to the distinctive customs, the men's possibility to develop such disease is in itself much lower than the women, and thus the number of them visiting the dentist is rather low. Whether the survey has taken into account the discrepancies mentioned above, and then conducted an overall comparison remains unknown. In other words, only when the living habit's difference are comparable, from one statistic’s viewpoint, then can the greater number of the men faint while visiting the dentist be validity. In this light, this survey is suspicious, let alone to function as the cornerstone of the author's reasoning.

Or granted the authenticity of this survey, all the same it is a simplistic notion that the advertisement should target the male. This is based on such a premise that the male patient’s number is larger than the female. Nonetheless, from this survey about the faint patients, we can not corroborate that premise. Given that the male incline to faint in the dentist; nonetheless, this is not a cause-and-effect relationship with the greater number of potential male patients. Contrarily to that, the female dental patient would be the majority. In this light, without an elaborate survey about the market, the author's conclusion is too risky and hasty.

In addition, to do some advertising may attest not to be the priority of the dentists. By contrast to the blind advertisement to claim that they own the effective anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff, is it true? Perhaps the patients go to their clinic with a trust, yet step out with a disappointment. Will they come back again? Definitely not. The priority of these dentists, therefore, is to invent more money in the renovation of their instruments, and the most pivotal, the discipline of more excellent medical skills. Only with these amelioration can guarantee the perpetual success of the dentalists. Moreover, common sense tells us that the dentist's reputation is spread more by the opinions the individual take from people around himself/herself than by the ad, whether the advertisement’s expectation can be met remains a variable. Simply put, prior to evaluate other alternatives besides the advertisement to bring in more customers, it is arbitrary to usher in the idea of advertising.

sarahzhanUID: 2111348

惭愧啊~

jallineUID: 2192970

提点意见吧, 或者留个链接也好: )

dicmiUID: 183392

seat:0
我来好了

dicmiUID: 183392

First and foremost, the study invoked by the author is open to doubt. As the dental disease is related much to the people's conventional habits, like the diet construction, the eating frequency, the food preference, either of which will dramatically affect the incidence of the dental diseases. As a result, what really matters is not the gender[这个句子不错~]. Chance is that, due to the distinctive customs, the men's possibility to develop such disease is in itself[in itself?] much lower than the women, and thus the number of them visiting the dentist is rather low. Whether the survey has taken into account the discrepancies mentioned above, and then conducted an overall comparison remains unknown. In other words, only when the living habit's difference are comparable, from one statistic’s viewpoint, then can the greater number of the men faint while visiting the dentist be validity. In this light, this survey is suspicious, let alone to function as the cornerstone of the author's reasoning.[呃，我觉得这段单复数上有些问题，还有一个感觉写的不是很清楚，我的第一感觉。赫赫一眼看上去。不似以前的风格哈：）]

Or granted the authenticity[good] of this survey, all the same[不是很合适把？] it is a simplistic notion that the advertisement should target the male. This is based on such a premise that the male patient’s number is larger than the female. Nonetheless, from this survey about the faint patients, we can not corroborate that premise. Given that the male incline to faint in the dentist; nonetheless, this is not a cause-and-effect relationship with the greater number of potential male patients. Contrarily to that, the female dental patient would be the majority. In this light, without an elaborate survey about the market, the author's conclusion is too risky and hasty.[这段是说晕倒的men比women多不代表men病人比women病人多么？那样的话不能算严格意义上的cause-effect了吧。只能算是差异概念]

In addition, to do some advertising may attest not to be the priority of the dentists. By[In] contrast to the blind advertisement to claim that they own the effective anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff, is it true?[这个问句打乱了语气，显的不连贯了] Perhaps the patients go to their clinic with a trust, yet step out with a disappointment[good]. Will they come back again? Definitely not. The priority of these dentists, therefore, is to invent[invest] more money in the renovation of their instruments, and the most pivotal, the discipline of more excellent medical skills[后半句话好像不通顺噢]. Only with these[this] amelioration can guarantee the perpetual success of the dentalists. Moreover, common sense tells us that the dentist's reputation is spread more by the opinions the individual take from people around himself/herself than by the ad, whether the advertisement’s expectation can be met remains a variable. Simply put, prior to evaluate other alternatives besides the advertisement to bring in more customers, it is arbitrary to usher[good~~] in the idea of advertising.[这段写影响因素，想的要比我多的多了。赞~，不过有些向reputation这些的一笔带过就好了，ms你过于详细了~~赫赫]

dicmiUID: 183392

我的在这里

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=511366&highlight=

jallineUID: 2192970

是啊, 写的时候, 一边在抗拒模板句子, 一边时间又逼迫着往下写, 所以A水平起伏很大啊

晴天丫头UID: 2225690

语言确实很不模板
学到了不少

不过模式化的真的挺实用的
北美范文里也经常用的是我们通常说的那些句子
搭配的好
文章一样有节奏

就像搭配衣服一个道理
华丽和繁复不一定让人觉得美

[ 本帖最后由 晴天丫头 于 2006-8-10 21:13 编辑 ]

晴天丫头UID: 2225690

First and foremost, the study invoked by the author is open to doubt. As the dental disease is related much to the people's conventional habits, like the diet construction, the eating frequency, the food preference, either of which will dramatically affect the incidence of the dental diseases. As a result, what really matters is not the gender. Chance is that, due to the distinctive customs, the men's possibility to develop such disease is in itself much lower than the women, and thus the number of them visiting the dentist is rather low. 多和少的关系好像反了，如果看病的男人又少，晕厥的又多，不是说明男人更菜了么？Whether the survey has taken into account the discrepancies mentioned above, and then conducted an overall comparison remains unknown. In other words, only when the living habit's difference are comparable, from one statistic’s viewpoint, then can the greater number of the men faint while visiting the dentist be validity. In this light, this survey is suspicious, let alone to function as the cornerstone of the author's reasoning.

Or granted the authenticity of this survey, all the same it is a simplistic notion that the advertisement should target the male. This is based on such a premise that the male patient’s number is larger than the female. Nonetheless, from this survey about the faint patients, we can not corroborate that premise. Given that the male incline to faint in the dentist; nonetheless, this is not a cause-and-effect relationship with the greater number of potential male patients. Contrarily to that, the female dental patient would be the majority. In this light, without an elaborate survey about the market, the author's conclusion is too risky and hasty.

In addition, to do some advertising may attest not to be the priority of the dentists. By contrast to the blind advertisement to claim that they own the effective anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff, is it true? Perhaps the patients go to their clinic with a trust, yet step out with a disappointment. Will they come back again? Definitely not. The priority of these dentists, therefore, is to invent more money in the renovation of their instruments, and the most pivotal, the discipline of more excellent medical skills. Only with these amelioration can guarantee the perpetual success of the dentalists. Moreover, common sense tells us that the dentist's reputation is spread more by the opinions the individual take from people around himself/herself than by the ad, whether the advertisement’s expectation can be met remains a variable. Simply put, prior to evaluate other alternatives besides the advertisement to bring in more customers, it is arbitrary to usher in the idea of advertising.

jallineUID: 2192970

谢谢晴天丫头, 学习学习你的文章~~~~~

困了, 睡去了, 明天修改
明天事情好多啊...

yvonnewhuUID: 2202979

TOPIC: ARGUMENT200 - Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients.
WORDS: 456          TIME: >0:30:00(超时3~4min)          DATE: 2006-8-9



First and foremost, the study invoked by the author is open to doubt. As the dental disease is related much to the people's conventional habits, like the diet construction, the eating frequency, the food preference, either of which will dramatically affect the incidence of the dental diseases. [这个写得很专业，看来楼主知识不少啊]As a result, what really matters is not the gender.[个人认为也不能完全否认gender，只能说还有很多因素影响dental fear] Chance is that, due to the distinctive customs, the men's possibility to develop such disease is in itself much lower than the women, and thus the number of them visiting the dentist is rather low. Whether the survey has taken into account the discrepancies mentioned above, and then conducted an overall comparison remains unknown. In other words, only when the living habit's difference are comparable, from one statistic’s viewpoint, then can the greater number of the men faint while visiting the dentist be validity.[这句话看的我晕啊，不过晕了回来的时候，不得不赞一个]In this light, this survey is suspicious, let alone to function as the cornerstone of the author's reasoning.[模板的感觉很少了，但是有点乱，看不清楚层次。]

Or granted the authenticity [这个衔接句写得不错～]of this survey, all the same it is a simplistic notion that the advertisement should target the male. This is based on such a premise that the male patient’s number is larger than the female. Nonetheless, from this survey about the faint patients, we can not corroborate that premise. Given that the male incline to faint in the dentist; nonetheless, this is not a cause-and-effect relationship with the greater number of potential male patients. Contrarily to that, the female dental patient would be the majority. In this light, without an elaborate survey about the market, the author's conclusion is too risky and hasty.[对female的内容可以加丰富一些，比如they prefer snacks, which may do harm to teeth and due to caries...]

In addition, to do some advertising may attest not to be the priority of the dentists. By contrast to the blind advertisement to claim that they own the effective anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff, is it true? Perhaps the patients go to their clinic with a trust, yet step out with a disappointment. Will they come back again? Definitely not. The priority of these dentists, therefore, is to invent more money in the renovation of their instruments, and the most pivotal, the discipline of more excellent medical[operative,牙医应该是以技术取胜的，用药不多] skills. Only with these amelioration can guarantee the perpetual success of the dentalists. Moreover, common sense tells us that the dentist's reputation is spread more by the opinions the individual take from people around himself/herself than by the ad, whether the advertisement’s expectation can be met remains a variable. Simply put, prior to evaluate other alternatives besides the advertisement to bring in more customers, it is arbitrary to usher in the idea of advertising.

[纵观全篇，楼主创新的写法的确是突破了传统模板，但是还是略显凌乱。另外，结尾似乎有些仓促，有点嘎然而止的感觉。
另附一篇本人的，希望多多交流。http://www.gter.edu.cn/bbs/viewt ... e%3D1#pid1768952105]