Argument180 —@浪迹北美 第一篇Argument.想知道存在那些问题

cynthialUID: 2269776

The following is a recommendation from the directors of personnel to president of professional printing company.

In a recent telephone survey of automobile factory workers, older employees were less likes report that having a supervisor compared to 12 percent increases their productive. Among workers aged 18 to 29, 27 percent said that they are more productive in their immediate supervisor, compared to 12 percent for those aged 30 or over, and only 8 percent for those aged 50 or over. Clearly, if our printing company hires mainly older employees, we will increase productivity and save money because of the reduced need for supervisor

Context:
In this recommendation, the arguer intend to make the president of professional printing company sure that if they hire more older supervisors they will increase productivity and they can save some money which is based on a recent telephone survey of automobile factory workers. He agrees that the older employees are more productive than the youngers when the supervisor is absent. But the result the survey shows is not so convincing that it can not persuade the president of the company to enforce what they recommend.

At the beginning, the personnel pointed that the report is a recent telephone survey .As I know ,people may lie to others on phone .I had done some telephone surveys for some companies yet ,from which I found that people did not tell you the truth at all. They did not want you to know how they thought exactly, so they just told you perfunctorily. For example, I once called a lady asking her what she thought about the benefits of protecting the environment. The lady was not patient enough to hold me finishing my question. She just ended the survey with “It is very useful”. If the telephone survey from the automobile industrial works was also accomplished in this condition we can not trust the data of the survey .On the other hand, the report did not compare the younger employees with the older ones about the productivity. If the two groups can complete jobs with the same quality at the same time, the survey will be more convincing.

Additionally, even we admit the survey, the workers who had taken the survey are working in a automobile factory, which is not similar with a printing company. In the automobile factory, the automaticity is mature .The more time you do this job, the more adroit you will be. After working several years, the older employees have been familial with the jobs, so they can do them productively whether the supervisor is present or not. But in the printing company, the procedure is complicated and the work is hard. So labors had to devote more time to adopt it. Experience is important but not critical whether adequate in jobs or not in the printing company .Thus in the printing company the older employees may be less productivity than the younger. The immediate supervisor can guide labors if they confront problems, in order to make workers complete their duties in a good condition .So it is safe to say that the study can not be used in the field of printing industries.

In sum, the study considers little about the very important factors such as the cost of hiring an immediate supervisor and how much the supervisor can produce for the company; the attitude of having a supervisor or not by the whole employees. It just takes part of the employees to represent the whole. If the personnel want to strengthen his or her argument, he should show the database with more details which is objective collected from the employees who are working in the printing company.
这是我的第一篇文，我知道也这篇写得比较有问题，大家帮我看看具体有哪些要改的．谢谢了．




[ 本帖最后由 cynthial 于 2006-12-21 18:15 编辑 ]

wiregrassUID: 2275096

In this recommendation, the arguer intend to make the president of professional printing company sure（ make sure 是确保…的意思，一般不这样用，这儿用make sb believe sth 更好一些，）that if they(用the company 来代替更好) hire more older supervisors（并不是supervisor，而是employer，否则会歪曲原论题的意思） they（指谁） will increase productivity and they can save some money（最好加一句解释Save money 的原因的话--由于不需要supervisor ）  which is based on a recent telephone survey of automobile factory workers. He agrees that the older employees are more productive than the youngers（不要s）when the supervisor is absent. But the result the survey shows is not so convincing that it can not persuade the president of the company to enforce what they（为什么用They， 原题里是说the director of personnel 写给批resendent的，应该是一个人才对）recommend. ( recommended用过去时)
原题是你自己打上去的吧，似乎跟真题不一样哟。原题一个明显的错误是把productivity 输成了produvtive，需要加强理解题意和准确复述原题意思的能力

wiregrassUID: 2275096

At the beginning, the personnel pointed（out） that the report is a recent telephone survey .As I know, （你怎么知道的，有什么证据表明）people may lie to others on phone .I had done some telephone surveys for some companies yet , from which I found that people did not tell you the truth at all. （如果是issue 的话，可以编个自己的例子来论证，可是这是argument啊， 在argument的原论证里面，凡是举例证明的你都可以认为只是个例，不能代表真实情况，在论证过程中可作为批判点，同理，你在证明你的论据时也不能这样）They did not want you to know how they thought exactly, so they just told you perfunctorily. For example, I once called a lady asking her what she thought about the benefits of protecting the environment. The lady was not patient enough to hold me finishing my question. She just ended the survey with “It is very useful”. If the telephone survey from the automobile industrial works was also accomplished in this condition we can not trust the data of the survey. On the other hand, the report did( 关于时态，用一般现在时) not compare the younger employees with the older ones about the productivity.  If the two groups can complete jobs with the same quality at the same time, the survey will be more convincing.（？？？没有表达出你想要表达的意思）
建议先看看孙远的GRE写作指导的Flash，里面有基本的issue， argument写作知识，包括原论证的一般错误，还有时态等，另外多参考别人的作品，比如老外的argument125篇pool）

wiregrassUID: 2275096

Additionally, even we admit the survey, the workers who had taken the survey are working in a automobile factory, which is not similar with（similar to） a printing company. In the automobile factory, the automaticity is mature .The more time you do this job, the more adroit you will be. After working several years, the older employees have been familial (familiar) with the jobs, so they can do them productively whether the supervisor is present or not. But in the printing company, the procedure is complicated and the work is hard.( 这个好像没有证据吧，你可以说may，但不能用肯定的语气来比较两种工厂的情况) So labors had to devote more time to adopt （少了to） it. Experience is important but not critical whether adequate in jobs or not in the printing company .Thus in the printing company the older employees may be less productivity （应该用形容词）than the younger. The immediate supervisor can guide labors if they confront problems, in order to make workers complete their duties in a good condition .So it is safe to say that the study（？？？the result of the survey） （study 和survey还是有区别的） can not be used (???) in the field of printing industries.(老觉得意思不对)
在写argument 的时候，没有论据证明的assumption往往是攻击的要点，你在论证的过程中，也不能出现assumption, 尽量多用may, possible, probably 这样的词汇，而不要用绝对的语气

wiregrassUID: 2275096

In sum, the study( not study, it is a recommendation) considers little about the (many) very important factors such as the cost of hiring an immediate supervisor and how much (profits) the supervisor can produce for the company;( 用逗号就行了，都是名词性短语，又不是句子) the attitude of having a supervisor or not by(??) the whole employees. It just takes part of the employees to represent the whole.（什么意思） If the personnel（??? Director of the personnel） want（s） to strengthen his or her argument, he should show the database（database ???） with more details( more detailed 更佳) which is objective collected from the employees who are working in the printing company.

wiregrassUID: 2275096

总结：总的来说，不能算很成功的文章把，但是难得的是迈出了第一步
继续坚持，你会发现你能达到原来没有想象过的高度
但是，想要走得更高更远，需要努力加巧力
建议再看看孙远的GRE写作指导，理清思路
同时，多参考参考范文，看看别人是怎么一步一步地论证地
这篇文章结构上是对的，但在论证上包括理解题意方面差了些
另外还需要增强语言表达能力

九九一十八UID: 2268548

argument还没研究过。先占个座。

cynthialUID: 2269776

谢谢组长的建议和评论,从中学到很多.对于Argument 这几天也有了新的体会.这篇文章是写的比较失败.另外我在用词和语言表达上有比较严重的问题,正在努力改进中!

wiregrassUID: 2275096

呵呵，你的issue写得很不错啊
但argument更容易得分，所以如果不追求很高的分数的话
都是保住argument，然后将issue写得平平的
不过argument比较容易上手，先不着急也行

原帖由 九九一十八 于 2006-12-18 23:31 发表
argument还没研究过。先占个座。