Argument147 [大杀四方mckinsey第一次作文贴]求砖头

mckinseyUID: 2285137

gter大杀四方作文互改小组第一次作业Arg 147

Topic:
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
“Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduce several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that [url=]the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months[/url][S1] .”

Analyze:（2006/12/30作）
At a first glance, the conclusion that new games with lifelike graphics, which be considered as the most important feature in a video game according to a survey, along with an extensive advertising campaign, will reverse the declining trend of sales of Whirlwind video games, seems logical. The arguer, however, fails to analyze the real reasons of the declining sales of Whirlwind video games.

First, the argument is based on an assumption that product is the most important factor effecting sales, however, which might not always be the case. There are several elements which might lead to down sales, for example, a ban not allowing guys under 18 to play video games which will make most part of the consumers lost, a new kind pastime which result in a shrink of video-game market, several companies involved in the market leading to a declining market share of each and a competitive competitor attracting many consumers.

Second, though an attracting product unavailable might be the real reason of the declining sales of Whirlwind video games, the arguer does not provide firm evident that a game with lifelike graphics will be a hot in the market. It is also possible that games providing lifelike graphics are favorite to players but not affordable. Because they require the most up-to-date computers, which also means high price, and, as mentioned in the argument, the age-group most likely to play video games is 10 to 25, most of which do not have much money to afford such computers. Therefore, it is quite possible that games with lower price and cost will sale well in the market.  

In conclusion, the real reasons of the declining sales of Whirlwind video games should be found before any decision made. Only actions taken based on the real reasons will be effective.

Argument 147（n久前写的）
The notion that the sales trend of Whirlwind video games is about to reverse itself, since Whirlwind has introduced several games, which would be widely accepted by video games players, along with an extensive advertising campaign, seems logical at the first glance. However, the author failed to analyze the real reasons of the sales declining during the past two years.

First, the argument is based on the assumption that the main reason of the sales decline is their failure to provide suitable production. Unfortunately, the author provides no evidence to prove that this is the case. Nothing is mentioned in the argument in terms of the products sold during the past two years, let alone the differences with the new video games.

Second, even if the video games are really different from the older one, the claim, based on a recent survey, that it is the preference of game players is not so convicting for several reasons. First, video games with lifelike graphics, which is the most important features in a video game according to the survey, may be a plus point of the sales of Whirlwind video games. However if the video games are with ugly characters and uninteresting story, which might be the second and third important features in a video game, it might be not so easy to attract more consumers. Also, as mentioned in the argument, the games with lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers which cost much money. However, it is people ten to twenty-five, usual with little pocket money, who are most likely to play the video games. Therefore it is quite possibly that they like the games but cannot afford the computers. In addition, while the aim of the extensive advertising campaign is the age- group of ten to twenty-five, the responsors are the entire game players. Obviously, the small difference is likely to lead to different result.

Finally, the author also fails to consider other possible factors that may also lead to the decline of the video games sales. It is entirely possible that the number of the video-game consumers is less than before, due to a special policy of government that individuals under the age of eighteen are not allowed to play video games or the entire economic environment is not so good like before, which makes people spend less money on leisure consummation. Even it is not true, it is also possible that some competitive companies, who provide the same or even more interesting games, entered this area and share most of the market in the two years.

In conclusion, the survey, according to which the lifelike graphics video games are the preference of most players, really provides important information. However, it is necessary, even desirable to analyze the real reasons of the decline of the sales, and more work should be done before any action made.


小组内负责批改的同学可以只批改12/30日写的那篇：）如果时间比较充裕，嘎嘎，谢谢

[ 本帖最后由 mckinsey 于 2006-12-31 00:55 编辑 ]

approachUID: 2101189

http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/thread-208286-1-1.html
请修改您的发贴格式,改好后回复此短消息,再将主题打开.
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yottaUID: 2176604

Analyze:（2006/12/30作）
At a first glance, the conclusion that new games with lifelike graphics, which be[is] considered as the most important feature in[of] a video game according to a survey, along with [这个词组好像用在这里不对，改成followed by ]an extensive advertising campaign, will reverse the declining trend of sales of Whirlwind video games,[逗号去掉] seems logical. The arguer, however[however用在句首较好], fails to analyze the real reasons of the declining sales of Whirlwind video games.[这个批驳偏离的重点，因为我们要分析的是他的预测是否有问题，而不是销量不好的原因。可以在这句后面加上 and therefore makes a questionable prediction of the sales in the coming months.]

First, the argument is based on an assumption that product is the most important factor effecting sales, however, which might not always be the case. There are several [other] elements [factors较好] which might lead to down sales[down sales???], for example, a ban not allowing guys [口语化的词汇少用为好，people]under 18 to play video games which will make [这里你似乎想用几个名词来和前文的elements相呼应，但是用成句子也不错，可以去掉which.后面的例子也一样，改成句子较好]most part of the consumers lost[lose many consumers], a new kind pastime which result in a shrink of video-game market, several companies involved in the market leading to a declining market share of each and a competitive competitor attracting many consumers.

Second, though an attracting product unavailable might be the real reason of the declining sales of Whirlwind video games, the arguer does not provide firm evident that a game with lifelike graphics will be a hot [hot没有名词用法]in the market. It is also possible that games providing lifelike graphics are favorite to players but not affordable. Because they require the most up-to-date computers, which also means high price, and, as mentioned in the argument[你是指题目本身吗？那个可不叫argument], the age-group most likely to play video games is 10 to 25, most of which do not have much[enough] money to afford[错误用法，buy] such computers. Therefore, it is quite possible that games with lower price and cost will sale well in the market.  

In conclusion, the real reasons of [of改为accounting for] the declining sales of Whirlwind video games should be found before any decision made. Only actions taken [taken可去掉]based on the real reasons will be effective.

评语：第一次写，啥都不说了。。。关键问题是你还不知道argument如何写，写什么（其实我也不知道 :）。本文最大的问题是没有抓住要点进行批驳，比如关于lifelike graphics的那个survey是否有效，后面的advertising campaign是否能发挥作用，你所考虑到的问题仅仅是作者是否注意到了影响市场的所有因素，但是这个毛病只能作为一个辅助的批驳点来用。写a的时候，最重要的一点就是“抓住重点问题进行批驳”，千万不能乱了方向。

guangminliUID: 2279999

哈哈，yotta已经捷足先登了。我也扔几块砖


At a first glance, the conclusion that new games with lifelike graphics, which be（is） considered as the most important feature in a video game according to a survey, along with an extensive advertising campaign, will reverse the declining trend of sales of Whirlwind video games, seems logical（我觉得和issue的句子一样 ，好像你很爱写从句套从句的句子:) ，我看的很辛苦，而且重要的是句子的意思好像不太清楚，结构有点乱：伴随结构放在非限定后面？？）. The arguer, however, fails to analyze the real reasons （是否可以在的一段点出来，用such as 来表示 ） of the declining sales of Whirlwind video games.

First（连词可以换一下）, the argument is based on an assumption that product（这里好像应该是 advertise吧？我也有些不太清楚？） is the most important factor effecting sales, however, which might not always be the case. There are several elements which might lead to down sales, for example, a ban （？）not allowing guys under 18 to play video games which will make most part of the consumers lost, a new kind pastime which result in a shrink of video-game market, several companies involved in the market leading to a declining market share of each and a competitive competitor attracting many consumers.

Second, though an attracting product unavailable might be the real reason of the declining sales of Whirlwind video games, the arguer does not provide firm evident that a game with lifelike graphics will be a hot（？） in the market. It is also possible that games providing lifelike graphics are favorite to players but not affordable. Because they require the most up-to-date computers, which also means high price, and, as mentioned in the argument, the age-group most likely to play video games is 10 to 25, most of which do not have much money to afford such computers. Therefore, it is quite possible that games with lower price and cost will sale well in the market.  

In conclusion, the real reasons（开头提到，结尾又两次提到，那什么才是real reason呢？我好像没有发现） of the declining sales of Whirlwind video games should be found before any decision made. Only actions taken based on the real reasons will be effective.

总结：你的论证的思路和我的几乎差不多。我觉得思路还可以（yotta的意见我还是有点不太明白？我觉得核心的逻辑问题就是影响产品出售的情况因素很多啊？费解中？？）
语言就是那个问题，简单句和长句交错可能效果更好（其实我也不太会用，嘿嘿），这是我的一点意见，仅供参考

yanglcUID: 2265921

Topic:
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
“Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduce several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.”

Analyze:（2006/12/30作）
At a first glanceAt first glance, the conclusion that new games with lifelike graphics, which be considered as the most important feature in a video game according to a survey, along with an extensive advertising campaign, will reverse the declining trend of sales of Whirlwind video games, seems logical. The arguer, however, fails to analyze the real reasons of the declining sales of Whirlwind video games. 我觉得两个declining之间间隔比较近，后一个可以换成decreasing或同义词

First, the argument is based on an assumption that product is the most important factor effecting sales, however, which might not always be the case. There are several elements which might lead to down sales, for example, a ban not allowing guys under 18 to play video games which will make most part of the consumers lost, a new kind of pastime which result in a shrink of video-game market, several companies involved in the market leading to a declining market share of each and a competitive competitor attracting many consumers.

Second, though an attracting product unavailable might be the real reason of the declining sales of Whirlwind video games, the arguer does not provide firm evident that a game with lifelike graphics will be a hot in the market. It is also possible that games providing lifelike graphics are favorite to players but not affordable. Because they require the most up-to-date computers, which also means high price, and, as mentioned in the argument, the age-group most likely to play video games is 10 to 25, most of which do not have much money to afford such computers. Therefore, it is quite possible that games with lower price and cost will sale well in the market.  

In conclusion, the real reasons of the declining sales of Whirlwind video games should be found before any decision made. Only actions taken based on the real reasons will be effective.

总评:我的感觉是写的过于综合,结尾比较仓促

Argument 147（n久前写的）
The notion that the sales trend of Whirlwind video games is about to reverse itself, since Whirlwind has introduced several games, which would be widely accepted by video games players, along with an extensive advertising campaign, seems logical at the first glance. However, the author failed to analyze the real reasons of the sales declining during the past two years.第一段我觉得这篇写得要好一点

First, the argument is based on the assumption that the main reason of the sales decline is their failure to provide suitable production. Unfortunately, the author provides no evidence to prove that this is the case this is the case 就不要了吧,感觉怪怪的. Nothing is mentioned in the argument in terms of the products sold during the past two years, let alone the differences with the new video games. 对比之下,新写的就有进步了,原来这段感觉什么都没说,空旷的

Second, even if the video games are really different from the older one, the claim, based on a recent survey, that it is the preference of game players is not so convicting for several reasons. First, video games with lifelike graphics, which is the most important features in a video game according to the survey, may be a plus point of the sales of Whirlwind video games. However if the video games are with ugly characters and uninteresting story, which might be the second and third important features in a video game, it might be not so easy to attract more consumers. Also, as mentioned in the argument, the games with lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers which cost much money. However, it is people ten to twenty-five, usual with little pocket money, who are most likely to play the video games. Therefore it is quite possibly that they like the games but cannot afford the computers. In addition, while the aim of the extensive advertising campaign is the age- group of ten to twenty-five, the responsors are the entire game players. Obviously, the small difference is likely to lead to different result. 可以用notwithstanding和nevertheless转折,不要老守着however

Finally, the author also fails to consider other possible factors that may also lead to the decline of the video games sales. It is entirely possible that the number of the video-game consumers is less than before, due to a special policy of government that individuals under the age of eighteen are not allowed to play video games or the entire economic environment is not so good like before, which makes people spend less money on leisure consummation. Even it is not true, it is also possible that some competitive companies, who provide the same or even more interesting games, entered this area and share most of the market in the two years.

In conclusion, the survey, according to which the lifelike graphics video games are the preference of most players, really provides important information 这句话没有什么必要啊,你从头到尾都没有怎么提到这个survey. However, it is necessary, even desirable to analyze the real reasons of the decline of the sales, and more work should be done before any action made.

总评:嗯,确实后面写的有进步,但是有时候不妨装点傻,再写点像原来第三段的这种更形象的文字,分数应该会更高.