Argument147 我的第一篇阿狗,欢迎猛拍![大杀四方第一次作业]

lrihUID: 2264506

题目
Argument147（2005年2-9月总频47次）
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
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字数：397 words
时间：未限时
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正文


The arguer declares that the decline trend of sales of Whirlwind video games are about to reversed according to the survey result which illustrate video-game players prefer to games that provide lifelike graphics. On the base of the fact that Whirlwind has introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the arguer concludes that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically. There are a series of flaws in this argument, which greatly undermine the credibility.

Firstly, the authority of survey is worthy doubting. Only showing the survey result , the arguer haven't provided any information about who conducted the survey ,how many people were investigated and how the simper data was settled. A small investigate company may have low sense of responsibility and are half-hearted to the survey. The little number of investigated people can't reflect the real situation. If the method how the simper data was settled is wrong, the survey must be invalid.

Secondly, the games that provide lifelike graphics and which require the most up-to-date computers may not lead to increase of sales. Providing lifelike graphics is one of feathers of a satisfying video game. Maybe other aspects of the Whirlwind video games don't satisfy players, for example, too expensive price. Moreover, the players may not be willing to spend money in upgrading own computers to play Whirlwind video games.

Thirdly, other competing companies probably attend the same market and introduce similar video games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old. If competitors' products attract more clients' interests and expand market share, the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to decline.

Finally, maybe people 10 to 25 years old are not able to afford Whirlwind video games, even if they are most likely to play video games. The most age-group people are students at school and have low purchase power.

In sum, the credibility of argument is ruined by these flaws. The arguer should provide more elaborated information about survey and Whirlwind video games. It is necessary to make a detailed comparison the Whirlwind video games with competitors' products . The arguer should avoid such over-exaggerated words like 'dramatically' in persuading readers.
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我的第一篇Argument,写得少了点,希望猛拍
附
Argument 147 提纲
（1）       安装高照度灯光和破坏公物行为减少没有因果关系。有可能Belleville事先安排了警察巡逻或者是采取了其他措施，减少了破坏公物的行为。
（2）       Amburg破坏公物的发生率没有变化有可能是警察骑自行车巡逻震慑不够，或者本来就非常低。
（3）       即使高照度灯光真的有助于减少破坏公物的行为，不一定是最有效的办法，有可能有更合适的方法；不一定对其它的犯罪行为有作用
（4）       在全市安装这种灯光会花费大量的电，不一定合适
（5）       犯罪减少了，本市不一定会重新繁荣起来



[ 本帖最后由 lrih 于 2006-12-30 23:08 编辑 ]

郁香那夜UID: 2249340

The arguer declares that the decline trend of sales of Whirlwind video games are about to [be]reversed according to the survey result which illustrate [illustrates that这是同位语从句，that不能省] video-game players prefer to games that[which前面用了that,为了不重复，换which] provide lifelike graphics. On the base of the fact that Whirlwind has introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the arguer concludes that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically. There are a series of flaws in this argument, which greatly undermine the credibility.
Firstly, the authority of survey is worthy[worth] doubting. Only [有only要用倒装句哦！]showing the survey result , the arguer haven't provided any information about who conducted the survey ,how many people were investigated and how the simper[什么意思？我只查到傻笑的意思哦] data was settled. A small investigate company may have low sense of responsibility and are[和have并列的吧？那应该用be哦] half-hearted to the survey. The little number of investigated people can't reflect [你想说“代表”么？用represent 会好点]the real situation. If the method how the simper data was settled is wrong, the survey must be invalid.
Secondly, the games that provide lifelike graphics and which require the most up-to-date computers may not lead to increase of sales. Providing lifelike graphics is one of feathers[是features吧？feathers是羽毛哦] of a satisfying video game. Maybe other aspects of the Whirlwind video games don't satisfy players, for example, too expensive price. Moreover, the players may not be willing to spend money in upgrading own computers to play Whirlwind video games.[这一句好像理解错了论据，论据说的up-to-date computer是指研发需要的吧？不是指用户操作需要的。]
Thirdly, other competing [vying 会好点]companies probably attend the same market and introduce similar video games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old. If competitors' products attract more clients'[客户？感觉不太好consumers’ 就行了呀] interests and expand market share[扩大市场份额，你sure是这个短语么？], the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to decline.
Finally, maybe people 10 to 25 years old are not able to afford Whirlwind video games, even if they are most likely to play video games. The most age-group people [什么意思？]are students at school and have low purchase [purchasing] power.
In sum, the credibility of argument is ruined by these flaws. The arguer should provide more elaborated information about survey and Whirlwind video games. It is necessary to make a detailed comparison the Whirlwind video games with competitors' products . The arguer should avoid such over-exaggerated words like 'dramatically' in persuading readers.
总评：
逻辑有点混乱哦，错误点是找到了，不过没有主次之分，建议去看一个贴子《argument应该这样写》：）
我列一下你的正文的提纲先：
第一段， 质疑调查结果。
第二段， 生动的图像和高科技电脑技术不是销售上涨的主要原因。
第三段， 对手公司的行为可能会有影响。
第四段， 10至25岁的人群可能买不起这游戏。
我觉得呢？第一段和第二段说的是一回事，因为对图像的喜好这也是调查结果之一。并在一起会好一点。
第三段和第四段的先后顺序应该调一下，不然对手公司的行为这一段放在这里有点生硬。
呵呵，语言问题就不说了，我发现的错误都标了，说讲一下逻辑吧~~~
评完~~~加油~~

[ 本帖最后由 郁香那夜 于 2007-1-2 21:37 编辑 ]