issue59 强调偶像的正面观点，有拍必回！-yaoying

yaoyingUID: 2249342

issue59 "Too much emphasis is placed on role models. Instead of copying others, people should learn to think and act independently and thus make the choices that are best for them."

In modern time, many people support the speaker's assertion that people should think and act independently without copying models. Admittedly, this assertion is reasonable in some aspects, however, stubborn coherence to it will lead to some unwanted results.

In daily life, everyone get the information about the famous from time to time. Along with the information comes a deeply concern that to only copy models might cause that our new generation lose their own characters or thought. It is reasonable. If people act and think depending on others' behavior, the result will be disappointing. Our society will loose its energy to develop since every people may be afraid to make mistakes, because no precedents have been work out by models. Our new generation will lose their unique characters for they must obey what models said. In this terrible situation, the world will be just like dead water without development and human society will have no future. In this case, disobeying models is absolutely a useful approaches to emancipate human spirit to better develop.

However, do not forget all the above will happen based on an necessary presumption that people act and think only depending on models. Nowadays, it is absolutely not the case. On the contrary, it is necessary to emphasize models. In the whole history happened numerous things and lived a lot of people, but not every one will be remembered so clearly as models. Why? Because their great contribution to social development and/or human moral. Without Watt, people would have to work all by hands for more years. Without Darwin, the god would still be creator of the world. Without Ford, the assembly-line cannot benefit human for so many years. All the great contributions they do for human make them deserve the praise and emphasis. Moreover, besides the contribution we can see, they also provide human a method to succeed to eschew some dilemma. And people do not need to go further than the book market. Autobiography of the noted is always the bestseller for they can teach people how to handle with some difficulties, and people do benefit from them.

Aside from the instruction of dealing with difficulties, models inspire people from the bottom of hearts- their performance tell people what is right or wrong. When people read Helen's book, the desire for real and beautiful life will inspire people to treat their daily life in love. When listening to Lincoln's speech, people will understand the true mean of the nation of people, by people, for people, and be encouraged to performance better tomorrow. And of course, there are many models whose behavior won admiration and followed by many people. All these models emphasized in society provide people and new generation moral fortune and rule human behavior from their inner thought. To some extents, they do not restrict human thought but show a brighter future for human spirit. In this case, people cannot place too much emphasis on them.

In sum, I fundamentally disagree with the assertion held by the speaker, because of models' great material and spirit contribution.

超时10分钟，＋10分钟拼写错误纠正，郁闷！

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issue59 强调偶像的正面观点，有拍必回！-yaoying


issue59 "Too much emphasis is placed on role models. Instead of copying others, people should learn to think and act independently and thus make the choices that are best for them."

In modern time, many people support the speaker's assertion that people should think and act independently without copying models. Admittedly, this assertion is reasonable in some aspects, however, stubborn coherence to it will lead to some unwanted results.要说成Argument的模式拉.而且在开头段,要亮出你的观点,具体怎么样,别一句话就把人批倒了.

In daily life, everyone getgets the去掉 information about the famous from time to time. Along with the information comes a deeply concern 副词修饰名词?that to 去掉only copy要动名词做主语 models might cause that去掉 our new generation lose losingtheir own characters or thought. It is reasonable. If people act and think depending on others' behavior, the result will be disappointing. Our society will loose its energy to develop since every people may be afraid to make mistakes, because no precedents have been work out by models. Our new generation will lose their unique characters for they must obey what models said. In this terrible situation, the world will be 后面有like了,语法错误just like dead water without development都比喻成dead water了,without也应该说个和dead water 对应的呀,development和比喻不搭 and human society will have no future. In this case, disobeying models is absolutely a useful approaches to emancipate human spirit to better develop.


B1段点评
第一句和第二句之间逻辑关系不强,人们获得信息越来越多,和模仿之间联系不紧密.

the result will be disappointing. Our society will loose its energy to develop since every people may be afraid to make mistakes, because no precedents have been work out by models.

典型的中国人思维,先说结果不好,又分析原因.上面那三小句,最好顺序倒过来这样说比较符合美国人开门见山的行文方式
句式变换单一
各BODY段也是需要有支持本段的TOPIC,放在段开头比较好

However, do not forget 这样的语气不太好all the above will happen based on an necessary presumption that people act and think only
depending on models. Nowadays, it is absolutely not the case. On the contrary,这个短语是强对比的,on the contrary,在你的文章中,这个短语的前后并没有体现出强烈对比来.你的意思我是理解的,可是depending on models和emphasize models对比不明显,再说的明确些 it is necessary to emphasize models. In the whole history happenedthe whole history witnesses多看看范文,学点点睛词也是好的呀 numerous things and lived a lot of people, but not every one will be remembered so clearly as models. Why? Because their great contribution to social development and/or human moral. Without Watt, people would have to work all by hands for more years. Without Darwin, the god would still be creator of the world. Without Ford, the assembly-line cannot benefit human for so many years. 三个without用得不错All the great contributions they do for human make them deserve the praise and emphasis. Moreover, besides the contribution we can see, they also provide human a method to succeed to eschew some dilemma. And people do not need to go further than the book market. Autobiography of the noted is always the bestseller for they can teach people how to handle with some difficulties, and people do benefit from them.

Aside from the instruction of dealing with difficulties, models inspire people from the bottom of hearts- their performance tell people what is right or wrong. When people read Helen's book, the desire for real and beautiful life will inspire people to treat their daily life in love. When listening to Lincoln's speech, people will understand the true mean of the nation of people, by people, for people, and be encouraged to performance better tomorrow. And of course, there are many models whose behavior won admiration and followed by many people. All these models emphasized in society provide people and new generation moral fortune and rule human behavior from their inner thought. To some extents, they do not restrict human thought but show a brighter future for human spirit. In this case, people cannot place too much emphasis on them.不是一直在肯定偶像的作用的吗?怎么结尾突然这样一说?

In sum, I fundamentally disagree with the assertion held by the speaker, because of models' great material and spirit contribution.

几点建议

1.如果是两正一反的观点,建议把两正放前,最后说那个反的
2.后两段是支持偶像作用的,但是题目说的那个独立思考也要体现在后两段.后两段变成说偶像的好处了,和题目说的"因为过多模仿偶像而不能独立思考"有些偏
3.ISSUE写作和Argument有混淆,建议多看看范文是怎样的


https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... p;highlight=ISSUE59
这里有一篇前人写的,讨论的,可以去看一下.

yaoyingUID: 2249342

离开了这里好几天，这才算有了时间回来，看见斑斑的评语，那个心虚呀，没有几天就要上刑场了，结果我这个issue是有减无加啊！
咬牙坚持吧！

谢谢版主！