issue56 0706G-[自由女神作文互改小组】第三次作业

seeseamailUID: 2208785

Problems to governments are just like diseases to human body, and once there is a disease, tiny or severe, most of us want to get rid of it as soon as possible. As the counterpart, "problems of society should be solved immediately", most students answered when I run a survey on campus. However, I believe that problems which arouse global or local attentions but connect with future interests should have higher priority to be solved.

Government plays an important role in the modern society, and is applauded by throng except few extremists. What's more important, governor’s primary job is to solve various kinds of problems, including acute and chronic ones. Actually, the ultimate aim of government is not just delete problems like delete viruses in computers; by contrast, it should improve the quality of individual's life and the stability of the society. Till now, the answer which should be focused more, acute or chronic problems, is answered by itself. Future problems which go like tea and feel bitter now but benefit us later should be given priority.

Furthermore, focusing more on immediate problems does no benefits from long view. Problems are endless. If we keep our eyes on the immediate problems, we will be easily misleaded. For example, a poor boy's immediate problems would be gaining more money and having a better life. He can choose to work now or be a student and work in the future. Any smart person will recommend him to go to school if possible because school can not only help him to keep a distance with poor life and at last kill it but also provide opportunity for him to be a full man who can help governments to solve kinds of problems. It is not easy to find the potential of problems of the future because most of us are easily confused by the face of a phenomenon. Only experienced persons can consider the issue from global view and then minimize the harm by paying more attention to the chronic problems.

Admittedly, acute problems are always important. People always argue that since human being cannot pursuit higher aim before basic requirements are reached, therefore we have to devote us into acute problems. As is mentioned, problems are endless. Indeed, we need to focus on immediate problems which always show as basic ones such as food, health, peace and so on. In fact, both these two kinds of problems are important, and neither of them can be delayed. But long term problems, such as education, humane care and so on, are more important than the others and can rudimentarily solved them. As a result, less attention would be payed to solve the immediate questions in order to meet basic requirements and sustain our societies.

It is vital to distinguish long term problems from acute ones and then treat them discriminatively. Children require education to meet their needs of both food and full life, so education, which is a future problem, is necessary and should be supplied as soon as possible. However, how to ensure that every child in schools can have a happy life without cold and famine seems to be an urgent question. Anyway, questions, no matter urgent ones or long term ones, refine each others. It is not only crucial to distinctive them, but also necessary to order them and ensure both of them.

huzhUID: 2268429

这两天有考试，过了就给你改，不好意思！先向你道歉！

hedou992UID: 2199425

Problems to governments are just like diseases to human body, and once there is a disease, tiny or severe, most of us want to get rid of it as soon as possible.(这个比喻用的很好) As the counterpart, "problems of society should be solved immediately", most students answered when I run a survey on campus. However, I believe that problems which arouse global or local attentions but connect with future interests should have higher priority to be solved.
[首段写的很漂亮，句子之间过渡的很好，观点明确，表达很清楚。]

Government plays an important role in the modern society, and is applauded by throng except few extremists. What's more important, governor’s primary job is to solve various kinds of problems, including acute and chronic ones. Actually, the ultimate aim of government is not just delete problems like delete viruses in computers; by contrast, it should improve the quality of individual's life and the stability of the society. Till now, the answer which should be focused more, acute or chronic problems, is answered by itself.(is answered by itself 怎么理解？) Future problems which go like tea and feel bitter now but benefit us later should be given priority.
[本段的论点有点不清楚，前面都在说政府应该怎样处理问题，直到最后一句才说对future问题应更重视。句子表达比较好。]

Furthermore, focusing more on immediate problems does no benefits from long view. Problems are endless. If we keep our eyes on the immediate problems, we will be easily misleaded.(misled) For example, a poor boy's immediate problems would be gaining more money and having a better life. He can choose to work now or be a student and work in the future. Any smart person will recommend him to go to school if possible because school can not only help him to keep a distance with poor life and at last kill(觉得这个kill不好) it but also provide opportunity for him to be a full man who can help governments to solve kinds of problems. It is not easy to find the potential of problems of the future because most of us are easily confused by the face of a phenomenon. Only experienced persons can consider the issue from global view and then minimize the harm by paying more attention to the chronic problems.(感觉这个结论句不好，应照应本段的中心意思吧：虽然有困难，还是要重视长远问题)
[本段基本表明了应该重视长远问题。例子用的比较贴切。]

Admittedly, acute problems are always important. People always argue that since human being cannot pursuit higher aim before basic requirements are reached, therefore we have to devote us into acute problems. As is mentioned, problems are endless. Indeed, we need to focus on immediate problems which always show as basic ones such as food, health, peace and so on. In fact, both these two kinds of problems are important,(本段主要说当前问题吧，怎么又说两者同样重要？) and neither of them can be delayed. But long term problems, such as education, humane care and so on, are more important than the others and can rudimentarily solved them. As a result, less attention would be payed to solve the immediate questions in order to meet basic requirements and sustain our societies.
[我觉得段落应该服务于你的段首中心句（Topic sentence），不然让人看起来有种混乱的感觉。]

It is vital to distinguish long term problems from acute ones and then treat them discriminatively. Children require education to meet their needs of both food and full life, so education, which is a future problem, is necessary and should be supplied as soon as possible. However, how to ensure that every child in schools can have a happy life without cold and famine seems to be an urgent question. Anyway, questions, no matter urgent ones or long term ones, refine(该词用在这什么意思？) each others. It is not only crucial to distinctive them, but also necessary to order them and ensure both of them.(这句话没说完？应该是保证他们顺利解决吧？)
[结尾段感觉太长了，可以分成两个段，前面的例子自成一段。不过这个结尾段和首段提出的观点好像有点矛盾。结尾段好像是在表达两者都很重要啊。]
[评论：文章的文法、句式都很好，表达也很清楚。逻辑方面有些地方略显混乱，我觉得那种经典的开头是中心句，然后整个段落都围绕这个中心进行论证还是比较好的。重要的东西放在前面，这是老美的习惯。那样组织显得更清晰。]
继续努力，加油。
huzh让我帮你改的。他最近有点忙，包涵下啊。

seeseamailUID: 2208785

谢谢。

评论得很好，受益匪浅。

关于我的文章的最后两段：
倒数第二段是让步段，承认当务之急和长远大计都是Important，但是相比而言，后者more important。。这个策略不正是追星剑里面推荐的么。

最后一段总结，原本是想拓展文章的深度。
refine用错了，应是confine
现在看来，最后一段的最后一句的确是有些问题。

前两天太忙了，这篇文章断断续续写了3天。

[ 本帖最后由 seeseamail 于 2007-1-15 00:32 编辑 ]