Issue196 【0706G-自由女神作文】第四次作业

seeseamailUID: 2208785

"Technology creates more problems than it solves, and may threaten or damage the quality of life."  


Time 21:29

Schedule
1. Technology: improve the quality of life
2. Technology over problems
3. Technology over the quality of life
4. Detriment of technology
5. Conclusion
//没有严格按照提纲写，后来自己发挥了一下。。

21:32

Since the beginning of human history, people never stop seeking ways to develop and refine the environment and quality of life. And only decades before, various of technologies appeared and largely changed the styles of life. It is hard to compare the modern society with ancient times, but it is obviously that technology does good to ourselves.

The steps of technology disturb the tranquilness of our society. Myriad old problems disappeared while countless new questions are founded.  It is not easy to say which is greater: the number of old problems that were solved or new problems that comes because both the numbers of them are countless. However, it is recognized that a lot of new problems are considered to be solved, such as cancer, AIDS and so on, with a speed higher than any other ear. Furthermore, some problems come from new technology which is aimed to assimilate severe questions. For example, internet enables us to work more efficiently; meanwhile, it produces more security crisis. And global view shows internet cannot absent.

Nevertheless, the quality of human life changed much and we benefit a lot from new technology. The aim always does nothing with the number of problems we found on the road to that aim. Ancient people only want to have a delicious lunch and secure bed but modern people require much more. Few people may assert that ancient environment is advanced when we know that the average age of individuals is continuously rising. The more we have, the more we want, and thus the more problems we have to face.

Many diseases are founded such as SARS, and people thus get a conclusion that advanced medicine technology changed small problems into big ones.  Take a look at the disaster caused by black-death. The disease developed to a degree out of our control. By contrast, because of advanced medical care, death caused by severe diseases like SARS, is rare.

Admittedly, new technology creates problems that we do not want:  financial crisis, serious working pressures as well as potential nuclear war. However, it is hard to say that these problems are created or, only be accelerated thus be solved earlier. From the theory of dualism, everything, including technology, has both positive and negative aspects. It is more important to adapt to new challenge but not linger in the memory of "golden history". Only if we use or adopt the positive aspects of technology and avoid or solve the other side positively, can we enlarge and maximum the rights of human beings.

22:15
//这次字数写的比以前少了，才422。FT

nujnujoahzUID: 2287893

:) "Technology creates more problems than it solves, and may threaten or damage the quality of life."  


Time 21:29(强啊!这么短时间!)

Schedule
1. Technology: improve the quality of life
2. Technology over problems
3. Technology over the quality of life
4. Detriment of technology
5. Conclusion
//没有严格按照提纲写，后来自己发挥了一下。。

21:32

Since the beginning of human history, people never stop seeking ways to develop and refine the environment and quality of life. And only decades before, various of technologies appeared and largely changed the styles of life. It is hard to compare the modern society with ancient times(用society好吧,跟前面对对仗), but it is obviously that technology does good to ourselves.(最后一句,也就是but后面这句最好扣一下题,说technology does solve more problems than create)

The steps of technology disturb the tranquilness of our society. Myriad old problems disappeared (solved,是解决不是消失)while countless new questions are founded.  It is not easy to say which is greater: the number of old problems that were solved or new problems that comes because both the numbers of them are countless. However, it is recognized that a lot of new problems are considered to be solved, such as cancer, AIDS and so on, with a speed higher than any other ear(改成era +before,要是按原来的说法有点空前绝后的味道了). Furthermore, some problems come from new technology which is aimed to(换成at) assimilate (这个词是吸收的意思,用的不对吧,应该是解决之类的,而且要用进行时,因为是aim at)severe questions. For example, internet enables us to work more efficiently; meanwhile, it produces more security crisis. And global view shows that internet cannot absent.(INTERNET这个例子最好再展开一些讲,好处坏处都有很多具体的例子的,这样使得论述更加充分)

Nevertheless, the quality of human life changed much and we benefit a lot from new technology. The aim always does nothing(+to do) with the number of problems we found on the road to that(改成another) aim. Ancient people only want to have a delicious lunch and secure bed but(改成while) modern people require much more. Few people may assert that ancient environment is advanced when we know that the average age of individuals is continuously rising. The more we have, the more we want, and thus the more problems we have to face.

Many diseases are founded such as SARS, and people thus get a conclusion that advanced medicine technology changed small problems into big ones.  Take a look at the disaster caused by black-death. The disease developed to a degree out of our control(这个地方是不是展开说一下). By contrast, because of advanced medical care, death caused by severe diseases like SARS,(这个逗号多加了) is rare.

Admittedly, new technology creates problems that we do not want:  financial crisis, serious working pressures as well as potential nuclear war. However, it is hard to say that these problems are created or, only be accelerated thus be solved earlier(没看懂,是拼写错误?). From (改成According to) the theory of dualism, everything, including technology, has both positive and negative aspects. It is more important to adapt(+us,adapt是个及物动词) to new challenge but not linger in the memory of "golden history". Only if we use or(改成and) adopt the positive aspects of technology and(改成as well as,要是嫌and重复就用这个) avoid or(改成and) solve the other side positively, can we enlarge and maximum(改成maximize) the rights of human beings.
(这段应该技术的缺点)

没有写结尾段啊!!!似乎在上一段写了,但是结尾段一定要单独列出来一段,而且开头有明显的标志:In sum,to sumerize 等等.这个至关重要.

总结:
这篇文章总体上来说,用词还流畅,不过,还是有一下缺点:
1.结构并不严谨,尤其是最后一段,一定要紧扣主题
2.举例虽然恰当,但是说明不深入,应该把例子所能体现的哲理更加完整的说出来,这样字数就不愁了
3.在行文中,写到技术的优点时,应该集中笔墨写它的好,缺点少提,相反,写缺点的时候就少提优点,感觉每段都是在写"技术优点多,但是也有缺点".

不过,你用的时间相当短,可能时间比较紧张,如果时间延长到正常时间,一定会更好
希望我的一点建议能给你帮助 ^_*



22:15

[ 本帖最后由 nujnujoahz 于 2007-1-15 15:47 编辑 ]